Update on ex's car accident

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Thanks to all who posted. Yes I was crazy, but the news of the accident just blew me away.

 

Her mom needed a ride to the hospital, and she said she would rather ride with me than with one of her son's friends. And I WANTED to go see her, not because of anything but the simple fact that she was a person, and in pain, and whoever suggested sending just a card would have been an insult to me and my integrity.

 

While the accident could have been worse, she is doing ok, despite the magnitude of the wreck, her only major damage was that one leg below her knee will need reconstructive surgery, which is supposed to take place today. She did have a concussion, and minor hemoraging? in her brain, but it was nothing the doctors thought serious. Other than that, she looks like she was in a major brawl.

 

So I went with her mom to the hospital, and while I wasn't in the mood then to talk about the relationship, I could tell that her mom completely couldn't understand why things between us ended by what she was talking about.

 

I think she(my ex) was glad that I went and saw her. And while it was the first time I had seen her in a couple of months, I was glad too, despite the circumstances that occurred. I talked to her parents, and to her some, and for a while it was just me and her and the parents, who a lot guessed they still liked me, which I know. She asked me how my christmas was, which ironically it was christmas day when I went to the hospital.

 

When I was getting ready to leave, I wanted to give her some encouragement, and SHE reached out her hand to mine and for a brief time I held it, and looked at her. I felt this was very personal coming from her to me.

 

I went and saw the guy that replaced me, the one who was driving her car, the one who demolished a 2004 toyota, the 3rd car totaled by him in his life. He broke his leg and collarbone, but was going home the next day. I'm angry at him for putting her life in that much danger. They shouldn't have survived the way the car was described. I would have never put her life in danger like that going 80 mph on a curvy road. It was infantile stupidity, but I can't be thankful enough it wasn't worse.

 

Thanks for everyone's help here at LS. I appreciate it.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

It's been 4 months since we broke up. I am either getting along perfectly with the fact we are no more(just minor setbacks) or, I am still in complete denial, or better yet I still feel like we both have something waiting for the two of us.

 

I'm trying to work through my feelings. I didn't feel the need to call up to the hospital and see if her surgery went ok. I don't know what they, meaning the parents and my ex, think about me calling to check up on her. Might they see this is a vain attempt from me to try to get an emotional hold back on my ex? Or do they think that I still may be still very attached to her. I don't know. Since I haven't been too talkative, they might just think I'm doing a nice thing.

 

I was playing the NC rules pretty strict, but I'm conflicting myself by thinking of her at this time, which was brought on by the accident.

 

Sometimes I want to wait until she is at home recovering, and go talk to her, there are still some things left up in the air for me to say to her.

 

Other times, mostly after I think of the above, I get angry or frustrated, and I don't want to talk, think, or even dwell on anything that has to do with her. So I usually push the feelings of "want to talk" back, but what could I lose by talking to her? Maybe some dignity if things don't go well, but I have a feeling unless I'm just completely stupid about it, I could talk to her and she would be warm towards me.

 

I keep fighting with emotions that tell me she isn't the right one for me, but also I see a chance that in the future we could come back, start over in a ways, make sure both of our needs are met, and have a new chance in forming a lasting relationship. If that chance with her doesn't come about, I'm pretty confident I'll find someone else. I'm trying not be that dependent.

 

I wish I would have taken her to counseling when we were together. I believe this would have given insight to both of us about how to make our relationship stronger, and then if it didn't work out after that I could move on a be a happy person.

 

I don't love her like I used to, but I still feel that emotional connection, and I'm pretty sure she does deep down too. So I will admit that I care for her immensly, I just don't wanna give the impression that I'm just waiting around for her to come back, 'cause I'm not doing that...I think, unless I'm playing tricks on myself. What a tanglement of emotions.

 

So, should I resume back into STRICT NO CONTACT, and wait for her to make up her mind(I think she is lost in her thoughts as well).

 

OR, should I wait until she is at home recovering(for like 8 weeks) and go visit and talk about a few things that need to be spoken of?

 

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to ease these feelings that I have? Give me a timetable or something!!!

 

Even though I was the dumpee, I feel the reason we finally split was that I wasn't recognizing my problems, but I'm working on those everyday so that the next relationship will be stronger, and I can get all my needs met. But she doesn't seem to be the one to change, and that makes me feel she won't work on her problems, nor will she listen if I try to explain what made our relationship fail.

 

And since I know this situation on a personal level, I'm not looking for advice telling me to move on and what not; I have essentially moved on, but we had/have the potential to be life-long partners, if we solve some of our personal issues, me and her. Sometimes I have conflicts with my feelings..and I don't want to REGRET not doing something in the future. I would rather have hurt than regret, if that makes any sense. You can't change REGRET, but you can get over PAIN.

 

So what are your thoughts???

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I did validate my life through my ex, which is, and should be for anyone reading this, is that you shouldn't validate yourself or your life through anyone. Here is a great example of the crap that went through my head when we were together, one of my issues.

 

 

I told myself time and time again, that she was always going to be the one for me. "I can't live without her", "If I lose her then I might as well just give up totally". I didn't take the time to consider my self-worth in the relationship, hence it was always me backing down and walling up, and because of those behaviors, I never fully got my needs met, because I was giving my life validation, my integrity, and all the power I should have retained in the beginning to her. So she was eventually smothered.

 

Part of the process of living, learning, and loving is to recognize the problems that restrict you from doing each to the fullest. Its hard, but for me, the most major upsets in my life have always propelled me to change a failed pattern of behavior, and when I look back, the major issues I once had with something, is completely non-existant. That's what I've learned. You just have to seek, search, and find what is troubling you, find the source, then find a solution that doesn't cover the problem, but makes you change and realize why you made the mistake in the first place.

 

 

Now I'm off to clown school.

 

[GreenCap]

SilverDragon

 

Hang in there buddy! Great for the update as yours was (I think) one of the last posts I made for a while as I have gradually gained control of my life and had reduced my visits to LS. There is no easy answer to your confusion as everything is jumbled up at the moment - emotion, logic and sentiments all come together to a cocktail of despair.

 

After recognizing your role in the separation (always takes two hands to clap or two to tango so don't fault yourself for everything) what is it you are looking for with this woman? One hand you talk about moving on and on the other hand, you seem to appear to want reconciliation.

 

I am kinda impulsive so take this with a dose of sanity. At this moment, if you feel that there is no hope of reconciliation, no feelings whatsoever, do what you feel like and don't be tormented coz you are beating to your own drum. Who cares what others think; it is not like you hurting anybody by just visiting, dropping a line etc. You see, you are not expecting anything, hence you can be yourself and whatever transpires, does.

 

If you feel that you do want reconciliation (and you know that the bloke as left the hospital), I would suggest you going to visit and always be the last to leave - go late or close to end of visiting hours - so that you will be the last thing on her mind for the day.

 

Given the nature of the circumstances, NC is not the way to go coz she is recovering from a life threatening injury and you are a no show suggests that you really don't care. Even a friend would go visit, and you want to get back together and you never visit? Doesn't jive.

 

Someone can correct me, but women want to be taken care off and want to know when that they are old and ugly, the man will always be looking after her and loving her. This is your chance to show it to her.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

What a wonderful post. It's always a good thing when you can find some insight through basically strangers, but they have felt and gone through what you are doing.

 

To respond, I do feel hesitant about "reaching out" and trying to connect with her again. But you are right, deep down inside I would like to reconcile. But i'm also at the point where it isn't bothering me not to be with her, but I miss us being together. She engaged and moved me in ways I didn't think possible. But she also hurt me, and I can tell this bothers her, but its something she may have already come to terms with.

 

Because of my schedule I can't go and visit her anymore at the hospital while she will be there. But like I said, she will be confined to her house for about 8 weeks, and once I found that out, it seemed like it may be the opportune time to drop by and just chat. If she doesn't want to discuss anything about us, then I won't either, and that will probably be the last time I try. Either way to me it's only a personal choice from my standpoint. But at least I will know I did try, and that is what will make happy. I'm not expecting a big turnaround from her, as in I don't think she will suddenly realize she made a huge mistake and want me back. And as I hate to say this, if she did do the sudden, "i want to be with you again", thing, unless what she says completely throws me back, I wouldn't accept her request, at least not at this moment in time. That would tell me volumes about how she sees me.

 

Without wanting to discuss the problems and issues first, it would tell me she just wants something new, or is bored, or whatever the reason. It would mean she doesn't care about me as much as needed be.

 

Thanks GreenCap for your responses. Have a good one, and always keep your head up.