My ex boyfriend shows interest again

[lamaga]

I apologize if this is long, but I feel like sharing my current situation plus a bit of a backstory. It's been bumpy.

 

My ex boyfriend and me broke up in February.

(Prior to that we knew each other for 2 years and were a couple for 1 year.)

He ended it because he had gotten a job abroad and wasn't sure if he could make 'the commitment' given the fact that he was still figuring out where his career was going (at this point it was either putting his everything into us, or not at all - he can be quite dramatic). I knew he had some personal issues as well and that it had nothing to do with me. I was ok with the breakup, even though it hurt, but I knew he wasn't happy with his situation and he couldn't give me what I needed at that time anyway.

 

We didn't talk after that for 5 Months, even though he sent a few emails, tried to get in touch. I responded to a few of them but didn't write much about what I was doing, since I wanted some time for myself. I traveled and took care of my heart.

 

Then, in July, we met for breakfast in his city because I was passing through (we lived 9 hours apart at this point). He knew I had been seeing someone over the summer and he was very weird about it (jealous)... At this point I was single, though. We ended up spending the whole day together, took a trip to the sea and walked around, talked, had lunch, and later dinner, and I ended up spending the night (we slept together as well).

 

Two weeks later, we both attended a friend's party, and I stayed with him that night as well (yes, we slept together again, stupid me). The next morning, I told him that what had happened between us that night and the two weeks before was not a good idea and that we should rather be friends. He said that it felt very right, but that he agreed with me that it wasn't a good time to jump back into old patterns. It felt familiar being with him but I also felt like I still didn't know him, and that he was still searching for something. I decided to keep my distance again.

 

Two months later, in September, I moved about an hour away from him. He said he was happy I was so close now and came down to visit. We spent a day together just as friends and it was great. He told me that he was much better now and that he was working a lot, and traveling for his job, and he liked to get away every now and then and had worked on his personal issues. He seemed content and it made me happy to hear that.

 

Last month, October, he visited again and we spent the day. We had a great time and he ended up staying the night, however, nothing happened (not even a kiss). He made a move but I didn't react.

He said that he had a wonderful time and hoped to see me again soon.

 

These two times we saw each other things were really natural, seemed to be falling into place. We get along just as great as when we were a couple, but something is different. We both are much happier in our current personal situations, and it reflects on how we act around each other.

 

Last week I got a hand written letter from him in which he expressed how happy he is that we are still so close and that he thinks I understand him and that he is slowly but surely getting his life together.

 

Two days ago he visited again. He said he was disappointed I didn't reply to the letter. I said "But you were going to visit anyway"... He just smiled. "But you will still reply, promise?"...

We smiled a lot that day. Felt very comfortable with each other.

This time it felt like a real date, even.

At some point he put his arm around me and I knew that it felt right.

He spend the night and at some point during the night we kissed and slept together. It was über-romantic (yep). He said he had missed me. I told myself to not talk about anything emotional with him at this point, since I want it to come from his side and it to be sincere. I let him say these sweet things, let him strike my cheek and stare into my eyes, and enjoyed it to the fullest. There was no AWKWARD cloud hanging above us like that time in August. It was just pleasant, happy and wonderful.

He walked me to school and kissed me good bye, held my hand and said he hopes to see me more frequently now.

 

My issue: It's been 9 months since we broke up and I feel it hasn't been enough time passed... especially since we've engaged in sex back in August as well. But in August it didn't feel right, it felt like we were trying to hold on to something we once had.

 

Now it feels like something new, something fresh and real that's not corrupted.

I wonder if that can be.

 

I haven't contacted him since yesterday morning and I don't want to take the initiative, since I feel like it's his turn to make it right.

 

Do you guys think I should trust my instincts and start putting my heart into this, or should I keep my distance?

I still love him, and this weekend I even fell in love again, with a new man, someone who I wanted to meet my whole life, and now he is finally here.

Does that sound stupid?

He is a really great guy with a good heart and I feel we are onto something.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[greenfairie]

Sounds sweet!

If your heart feels right about it and you feel like you WANT him truly, I would never say no to the chance of love.

[xpaperxcutx]

Congratulations that you feel your ex is back with you. However I ask you to not jump too quickly into the water because you might eventually be disappointed.

 

As optimistic as I am for you, I would still ask you to be a little cautious with your heart and your emotions for this one.

 

For one, he is the dumper so he has to learn to fight for you again. Let him fight for you, it's part of the man mentality- giving him a chance to fight for you means he won't be able to easily let you go the next time around.

 

Two, don't play emotional mind games. Trust your instincts that you'll be calm and you'll be rational.

 

Three, don't be needy. You realize your time apart from him during the breakup has given you a time to be independent. Have hobbies and have a life outside of him. Not only will it come across as attractive but it will make him respect you.

 

Take it slowly. As you said, this is a new man you love therefore you must view whatever it is you have as a new relationship.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Aww I love stories like this!

 

I agree with the above post, take your time and do not rush into anything. You are right that 9 months is not too long, especially since you slept together back in August, so technically you have really been apart for 6 months. And since he is still working on himself, you need to give him more time while working on yourself as well. Then start to SLOWLY get to know each other as if you had just met, because you kind of are in a way! You will know when the time is right, and you know it's not now.

 

I am very optimistic for your future with him though! Best of luck

[lamaga]

Congratulations that you feel your ex is back with you. However I ask you to not jump too quickly into the water because you might eventually be disappointed.

 

As optimistic as I am for you, I would still ask you to be a little cautious with your heart and your emotions for this one.

 

For one, he is the dumper so he has to learn to fight for you again. Let him fight for you, it's part of the man mentality- giving him a chance to fight for you means he won't be able to easily let you go the next time around.

 

Two, don't play emotional mind games. Trust your instincts that you'll be calm and you'll be rational.

 

Three, don't be needy. You realize your time apart from him during the breakup has given you a time to be independent. Have hobbies and have a life outside of him. Not only will it come across as attractive but it will make him respect you.

 

Take it slowly. As you said, this is a new man you love therefore you must view whatever it is you have as a new relationship.

 

I know, I want him to fight for me, but I am not sure how this would work. We are already having sex, so i am not sure what else I can do to have him fight for me, other than keep my distance whenever we are not together.

I still haven't contacted him.

 

I don't play mind games, I am too old for that. And I am certainly not needy, that's something I left in the past. I am living my own life, have my own place, do my study, have a job, many new friends, and I enjoy it.

In fact, I think I have it maybe even easier than he does right now.

All of HIS friends moved away or moved in with boy/girlfriends, and pursue other interests now. The people he surrounds himself with are younger than us and he can barely connect with them. He says he feels happy with his job but a tiny bit unhappy with his social life - because most of his friends are in relationships. I want him to meet my friends and see if they like him and if

we can all hang out together... would that be too much already? I think he would get along with a few of them quite well... and I think it would be great way to integrate him into my 'new' life as well.

 

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[lamaga]

Could someone give me some advice as to handle this situation gracefully? I want him back so badly, but I don't want to make any mistakes.

Would it be wrong of me to ask him out for the weekend?

[lamaga]

So it's been 5 days and I haven't heard from him. He's not the communication wiz, but he said he wanted to see me this weekend. Should I make a move or wait? I feel like i am sitting on hot coals..

[greenfairie]

So it's been 5 days and I haven't heard from him. He's not the communication wiz, but he said he wanted to see me this weekend. Should I make a move or wait? I feel like i am sitting on hot coals..

 

Have you attempted to contact him since your last talk?

If you already have, then maybe just try and keep yourself busy. I know it drives me crazy too when waiting for a guy to call but I notice I get crazier if I sit around just thinking when that phone call is gonna come.. Best thing to do is to keep yourself busy

[lamaga]

Have you attempted to contact him since your last talk?

If you already have, then maybe just try and keep yourself busy. I know it drives me crazy too when waiting for a guy to call but I notice I get crazier if I sit around just thinking when that phone call is gonna come.. Best thing to do is to keep yourself busy

 

WE haven't talked since we said goodbye on Monday morning after he spent the night....

[Simon Phoenix]

So it's been 5 days and I haven't heard from him. He's not the communication wiz, but he said he wanted to see me this weekend. Should I make a move or wait? I feel like i am sitting on hot coals..

 

He broke up with you, he asks you out. You do not ask him out. And having sex with him before you are officially back together wasn't smart. But yeah, it's up to him to make the move. I would be making other plans if I were you -- even if he does call, you don't want to seem like you were sitting there by the phone putting your weekend on hold for him.

[BC1980]

He broke up with you, he asks you out. You do not ask him out. And having sex with him before you are officially back together wasn't smart. But yeah, it's up to him to make the move. I would be making other plans if I were you -- even if he does call, you don't want to seem like you were sitting there by the phone putting your weekend on hold for him.

 

You had sex with him before you were officially a couple again? Big mistake. You've greatly lowered your value in his eyes. I did that same thing with an ex in college. Never heard from him again after that.

[Simon Phoenix]

You had sex with him before you were officially a couple again? Big mistake. You've greatly lowered your value in his eyes. I did that same thing with an ex in college. Never heard from him again after that.

 

Yep, have a bad feeling about this. He got the goods, we'll see if he comes around again or fades back until he wants them again.

[lamaga]

Yep, have a bad feeling about this. He got the goods, we'll see if he comes around again or fades back until he wants them again.

 

I know that that was stupid of me. It's been 5 days and still no sign from him. He is a very busy guy but now I start to worry. Perhaps you guys are right and he won't call again and this was it for him. Maybe it didn't feel as right for him as it did for me, not sure. I am usually right with my intuition, so maybe this time around I am wrong.

[lamaga]

Then again, he was super sweet, like when we first got together. He is the one constantly looking for affection from my side, and smiling, and trying to prove to me how he's become a better person.

He even offered to take my cat over christmas so I can go visit my family. Would he do that if he wasn't seriously interested?

If he just wanted sex, he could get that anywhere else, he wouldn't have to get on a train for an hour and offer me to help caring for my cat over Christmas. he wouldn't write me letters saying he cared for me... He wouldn't walk me to school the next day and kiss me goodbye, telling me he wants to see me more often now? NO?

[BC1980]

I know that that was stupid of me. It's been 5 days and still no sign from him. He is a very busy guy but now I start to worry. Perhaps you guys are right and he won't call again and this was it for him. Maybe it didn't feel as right for him as it did for me, not sure. I am usually right with my intuition, so maybe this time around I am wrong.

 

Guys view sex much differently than women. Generally speaking that is. Women view it with commitment in mind, but most men are not that way. Sorry. I had to learn this lesson too. You can never assume that what you experience or associate with an experience is the same for the other person. That goes for anything really. It's really important to protect yourself and make wise decisions after a breakup especially. Most people advocate NC for that very reason- so you aren't faced with tough decisions that in all likelihood, you will not be able to make wisely.

[lamaga]

Guys view sex much differently than women. Generally speaking that is. Women view it with commitment in mind, but most men are not that way. Sorry. I had to learn this lesson too. You can never assume that what you experience or associate with an experience is the same for the other person. That goes for anything really. It's really important to protect yourself and make wise decisions after a breakup especially. Most people advocate NC for that very reason- so you aren't faced with tough decisions that in all likelihood, you will not be able to make wisely.

 

See what I wrote one post before.

[BC1980]

Then again, he was super sweet, like when we first got together. He is the one constantly looking for affection from my side, and smiling, and trying to prove to me how he's become a better person.

He even offered to take my cat over christmas so I can go visit my family. Would he do that if he wasn't seriously interested?

If he just wanted sex, he could get that anywhere else, he wouldn't have to get on a train for an hour and offer me to help caring for my cat over Christmas. he wouldn't write me letters saying he cared for me... He wouldn't walk me to school the next day and kiss me goodbye, telling me he wants to see me more often now? NO?

 

Sure, he cares about you, but is he committed to you? There are plenty of people out there who are content to keep one foot in the door with no commitment. It needs to be shut down. I did this with my ex, and it ended badly.

[lamaga]

Sure, he cares about you, but is he committed to you? There are plenty of people out there who are content to keep one foot in the door with no commitment. It needs to be shut down. I did this with my ex, and it ended badly.

 

 

I see. I know what you mean. I think he has no problems with committing to me per se. But I think the problem still persists that he might go abroad at some point, and he probably doesn't want to invest too much emotions to not get hurt or to not hurt. (He's very sensitive, and always extreme in his relationships, all or nothing). So I could totally see how he is aware of not making same mistakes again. But I told him a long time ago that there is also a grayscale and not all is black and white, and there are ways for us to be together we can't always be scared of what's going to happen in the future. I mean, I might go abroad as well in 2 years for my work and then what? But you can't think of that now, but I think that's what he is scared of.

 

Not sure how to get rid of this fear in a person.

[BC1980]

I see. I know what you mean. I think he has no problems with committing to me per se. But I think the problem still persists that he might go abroad at some point, and he probably doesn't want to invest too much emotions to not get hurt or to not hurt. (He's very sensitive, and always extreme in his relationships, all or nothing). So I could totally see how he is aware of not making same mistakes again. But I told him a long time ago that there is also a grayscale and not all is black and white, and there are ways for us to be together we can't always be scared of what's going to happen in the future. I mean, I might go abroad as well in 2 years for my work and then what? But you can't think of that now, but I think that's what he is scared of.

 

Not sure how to get rid of this fear in a person.

 

You can't get rid of that fear. Actually, leaving completely would be the only way to figure out what he really wants. By staying, he is comforted that you will always be there, in the background. There's no push for him to make any decision. He can simply meander through life without making a commitment.

 

This scenario is just all too familiar to me because I too delt with someone who had one foot out the door and one foot in for some of our relationship. You can't do or say anything to make them feel better and want to commit because you aren't the problem. They are the problem, and you are enabling their behavior.

 

They usually don't even realize they are doing this because they assume you are fine with the setup, and it doesn't force them to confront tough feelings or make any tough choices. I'm telling you, these situations always play out to script.

[Simon Phoenix]

I see. I know what you mean. I think he has no problems with committing to me per se. But I think the problem still persists that he might go abroad at some point, and he probably doesn't want to invest too much emotions to not get hurt or to not hurt. (He's very sensitive, and always extreme in his relationships, all or nothing). So I could totally see how he is aware of not making same mistakes again. But I told him a long time ago that there is also a grayscale and not all is black and white, and there are ways for us to be together we can't always be scared of what's going to happen in the future. I mean, I might go abroad as well in 2 years for my work and then what? But you can't think of that now, but I think that's what he is scared of.

 

Not sure how to get rid of this fear in a person.

 

Way too much overanalyzation here. If he wants to be with you, he'll be with you. If he doesn't, he won't. It really is that simple.

[BC1980]

Way too much overanalyzation here. If he wants to be with you, he'll be with you. If he doesn't, he won't. It really is that simple.

 

Exactly. It's so simple, but we love to twist it around to try and make it work for us.

[lamaga]

Exactly. It's so simple, but we love to twist it around to try and make it work for us.

 

 

Yeah, I know. I am at this point where I feel like neither of us are human enough to make it work. What's the problem here? Why can't two people who love each other just be happy together? Why all the drama?

It drives me insane ..

[BC1980]

Yeah, I know. I am at this point where I feel like neither of us are human enough to make it work. What's the problem here? Why can't two people who love each other just be happy together? Why all the drama?

It drives me insane ..

 

That's why I say leave him alone and do NC. In wasted invaluable time and emotional effort on someone who was similar. I regret it now. There's nothing you can do to encourage him to commit.

[lamaga]

That's why I say leave him alone and do NC. In wasted invaluable time and emotional effort on someone who was similar. I regret it now. There's nothing you can do to encourage him to commit.

 

He texted me today asks how I am doing. I think I should just ignore it?

[Simon Phoenix]

He texted me today asks how I am doing. I think I should just ignore it?

 

Easily yes. Not even a question.