ex and I are talking again what does it mean? Should I Stay NC or keep up LC?

[cavalier99]

Listen bro sorry to come down on you so hard. I know your hurting. I really just want to help. I know you did NC and that you can do itl It is just that your obejective is all messed up.

 

Your objective needs to be 100 percent complete indifference. This is the gold medal of recovery. It isnt getting them back. Why would you want her back anyway even if she was willing? She has dumped you twice.

 

Sometimes we need to give up the fight and accept a different path foward. I only say you seem like a tough case because ive seen many people here hold onto false hope for a long long time only to finally have to accept that it is over and go NC for the right reasons. They hold onto false hope Inspite of a ton of good advise.

 

It is up to you. It is just painful to watch posters who thinks that they might get their ex's back inspite of all evidence to the contrary and continue to delay true healing by thinking months of NC or LC will some how magically make it better. Read the last sentence of your previous post. This seems to be a recurring theme and is the reason for my concern.

 

REMBER INDIFFERENCE IS THE GOAL. Take back your power bro! She is nothing. Youll get a girl that wants to be with you and wont even be thinking of the ex. Cav

Edited November 25, 2013 by cavalier99

[Simon Phoenix]

Listen bro sorry to come down on you so hard. I know your hurting. I really just want to help. I know you did NC and that you can do itl It is just that your obejective is all messed up.

 

Your objective needs to be 100 percent complete indifference. This is the gold medal of recovery. It isnt getting them back. Why would you want her back anyway even if she was willing? She has dumped you twice.

 

Sometimes we need to give up the fight and accept a different path foward. I only say you seem like a tough case because ive seen many people here hold onto false hope for a long long time only to finally have to accept that it is over and go NC for the right reasons. They hold onto false hope Inspite of a ton of good advise.

 

It is up to you. It is just painful to watch posters who thinks that they might get their ex's back inspite of all evidence to the contrary and continue to delay true healing by thinking months of NC will some how magically make it better.

 

REMEMBER INDIFFERENCE IS THE GOAL. Take back your power bro! She is nothing. Youll get a girl that wants to be with you and wont even be thinking of the ex. Cav

 

Exactly. Even if your ex was to come back in the future, you don't want to go back to what you had before. Why? Because it didn't work -- TWICE. Even if your ex does come back, she needs to be a different person -- a different girl. Reconciliation isn't about you changing and evolving -- both have to change and evolve. The only thing you can control is how you do that. You need to control you and become indifferent to what you had before -- because what you had before DID NOT WORK.

[imessedupbad]

Yeah. I guess I feel that we had a special connection and I just take responsibility for my part. I tend to shoulder the blame because I do believe then often it is the man's responsibility to maintain attraction. I guess I dropped the ball and ultimately reverted to some old ways and the relationship ended. I feel that the issues could be resolved in the future, but I do think it will take a good deal of time to attain those goals on my end. We could both end up with somebody else in that amount of time. I guess its up to fate in a way, but I do agree that maybe this relationship was meant to end. She did dump me twice, and I do feel that I treated her well. I was very sweet to her but I think I let go on my end. So the love faded I guess. But maybe in the end a person should want to stay with you and be more willing to accept you for who you are.

 

I guess its just sad to feel that way. Indifference is almost a sad feeling, I guess it is the musician in me thinking about it like that. I think you are all right. I will go back to NC and at least try to believe that this happened for a reason. It is strange to be one of these people coming on here and arguing for an on and off again relationship where i got dumped twice. I guess I should be more angry on principle. But maybe I take a bit too much of it on my own shoulders. It definitely makes me want to improve some things about myself. Thank you all guys for listening to me. I have been reading these forums for a long time, and I only recently started posting.

[imessedupbad]

Exactly. Even if your ex was to come back in the future, you don't want to go back to what you had before. Why? Because it didn't work -- TWICE. Even if your ex does come back, she needs to be a different person -- a different girl. Reconciliation isn't about you changing and evolving -- both have to change and evolve. The only thing you can control is how you do that. You need to control you and become indifferent to what you had before -- because what you had before DID NOT WORK.

 

Honestly, I did not really tell her what didn't work for the relationship on my end. I guess she won't change from what I told her. I kind of let her tell me what didn't work on her end because she was the one who was unhappy and did not want a romantic relationship with any longer. I have a feeling you will say no, but would it help to tell her somehow?

[cavalier99]

Honestly, I did not really tell her what didn't work for the relationship on my end. I guess she won't change from what I told her. I kind of let her tell me what didn't work on her end because she was the one who was unhappy and did not want a romantic relationship with any longer. I have a feeling you will say no, but would it help to tell her somehow?

 

Hahaha NOOOOOOOOO lol Simon agrees with the NO

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, I did not really tell her what didn't work for the relationship on my end. I guess she won't change from what I told her. I kind of let her tell me what didn't work on her end because she was the one who was unhappy and did not want a romantic relationship with any longer. I have a feeling you will say no, but would it help to tell her somehow?

 

That would be another example of getting in your own way. That's something that she would have to realize on her own for it to really hold. So absolutely not.

[imessedupbad]

That would be another example of getting in your own way. That's something that she would have to realize on her own for it to really hold. So absolutely not.

 

Long term do you think that I ruined things a lot by talking to her sister and the phone call? I mean I know this is naive but the sister said she wouldn't tell her, because I told the sister honestly that I needed more space from them, it was too soon and thats why I couldn't talk to her or the rest of the family any longer and they understood. I was pretty honest with her. I just wanted to pass on the job offer to her. Its pretty random that those things came to pass and I guess I am kind enough that I wanted to pass on that opportunity.

 

I guess I just want to exit gracefully at this point. I guess I did make a few mistakes there.

[imessedupbad]

That would be another example of getting in your own way. That's something that she would have to realize on her own for it to really hold. So absolutely not.

 

And yah...that really does make sense. I guess thats the only way things would be different at this point. I am really going to try to let go...I probably read these forums almost too much, like nonstop for two months almost now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Long term do you think that I ruined things a lot by talking to her sister and the phone call? I mean I know this is naive but the sister said she wouldn't tell her, because I told the sister honestly that I needed more space from them, it was too soon and thats why I couldn't talk to her or the rest of the family any longer and they understood. I was pretty honest with her. I just wanted to pass on the job offer to her. Its pretty random that those things came to pass and I guess I am kind enough that I wanted to pass on that opportunity.

 

I guess I just want to exit gracefully at this point. I guess I did make a few mistakes there.

 

Dude, things are over. Don't worry about whether you ruined them. Worry about getting your self-respect back, because you've lost it. You just need to learn to do nothing, because everything you try to do right now sucks. Not because you suck, because that just tends to happen in these situations. That's why it's best to shut the f*ck up and leave things be. Don't worry about how your exit looks, just exit quietly and without saying a word and stop making a damn production out of everything. You can't control what you've done and said, all you can control is what you can do from here on out. And from here on out you have to STOP MEDDLING. No letting your ex know about job offers or gigs -- she's an adult, she can figure out that stuff on her own. She broke up with you, don't kiss her ass and keep doing things for her. You don't come off as nice -- you come off as an orbiting doormat.

 

And the sister is going to relay part of the conversation to your ex. That's just going to happen, especially since her loyalties lie with your ex and not with you. That's not to say the sister hates you at all (I'm sure she holds you in high regard), but when push comes to shove, she's choosing her sister over you every time. In my situation I described earlier, my friend had my back over all and my friend's wife had my ex's back. You need to find someone who is on your side and confide in them if you need that, not your ex's sister.

[Simon Phoenix]

And yah...that really does make sense. I guess thats the only way things would be different at this point. I am really going to try to let go...I probably read these forums almost too much, like nonstop for two months almost now.

 

These forums can be valuable and addictive. I'm long since recovered from my breakup, but I enjoy trying to help others avoid mistakes I've made in the past. Maybe you need to look at these forums from a different perspective. I'm guessing you've spent the last two months trying to find positive reconciliation signs/steps you can take to get your ex back. Now maybe look at it from the recovery angle. It might change your perception of what these forums represent.

[imessedupbad]

Dude, things are over. Don't worry about whether you ruined them. Worry about getting your self-respect back, because you've lost it. You just need to learn to do nothing, because everything you try to do right now sucks. Not because you suck, because that just tends to happen in these situations. That's why it's best to shut the f*ck up and leave things be. Don't worry about how your exit looks, just exit quietly and without saying a word and stop making a damn production out of everything. You can't control what you've done and said, all you can control is what you can do from here on out. And from here on out you have to STOP MEDDLING. No letting your ex know about job offers or gigs -- she's an adult, she can figure out that stuff on her own. She broke up with you, don't kiss her ass and keep doing things for her. You don't come off as nice -- you come off as an orbiting doormat.

 

And the sister is going to relay part of the conversation to your ex. That's just going to happen, especially since her loyalties lie with your ex and not with you. That's not to say the sister hates you at all (I'm sure she holds you in high regard), but when push comes to shove, she's choosing her sister over you every time. In my situation I described earlier, my friend had my back over all and my friend's wife had my ex's back. You need to find someone who is on your side and confide in them if you need that, not your ex's sister.

 

There aren't any other things for me to do for them. I am done helping and going no contact. I agree all my actions suck right now. I guess I was telling the sister because I guess I wanted her to know. I wanted my ex to know because its true. I can't really be in contact at the moment.

 

And if the sister relays that information to her is it that bad? I already cut all the cords, there is nothing left of hers in my place, no social media connections, everything is gone. If only I could forget her phone number hah. I guess its better than her trying to contact me more.

[imessedupbad]

These forums can be valuable and addictive. I'm long since recovered from my breakup, but I enjoy trying to help others avoid mistakes I've made in the past. Maybe you need to look at these forums from a different perspective. I'm guessing you've spent the last two months trying to find positive reconciliation signs/steps you can take to get your ex back. Now maybe look at it from the recovery angle. It might change your perception of what these forums represent.

 

Pretty much. I've read both but I definitely look for the diamond in the rough story about reconciliation. I guess its because I got back with her last time. but you know what? I focused so much on the reconciliation that I didn't actually work on myself and fix the things I needed to. Sad how that works.

[Simon Phoenix]

Pretty much. I've read both but I definitely look for the diamond in the rough story about reconciliation. I guess its because I got back with her last time. but you know what? I focused so much on the reconciliation that I didn't actually work on myself and fix the things I needed to. Sad how that works.

 

Yep, sometimes you just have to stop trying to plot, be patient, control only what you can control and let life take its course from there. Honestly, learning to let go, accept that I can't make certain things happen and learning to be patient are the biggest lessons I've taken from my personal situation -- and all of those things will be valuable to me in the future.

 

You've said quite a few times that you got her back before and you are trying to recreate those steps in a way. Don't. Why? Because what you did before was ultimately unsuccessful. Yes, you got her back, but you got back the same flawed relationship which died the first time. Therefore, it died again and you are right back where you were. And it sucks. So let's not repeat history.

[Simon Phoenix]

There aren't any other things for me to do for them. I am done helping and going no contact. I agree all my actions suck right now. I guess I was telling the sister because I guess I wanted her to know. I wanted my ex to know because its true. I can't really be in contact at the moment.

 

And if the sister relays that information to her is it that bad? I already cut all the cords, there is nothing left of hers in my place, no social media connections, everything is gone. If only I could forget her phone number hah. I guess its better than her trying to contact me more.

 

Yes, because it makes it look disingenuous to your ex. It comes off as a stunt, a hustle, a ploy. I'm not saying that's your intention, but that's the way it could easily be perceived, especially when using someone else as a middleman. You would have been better off doing nothing and fading to black. The only time you announce the need for space is if the other person keeps badgering you for contact and doesn't get a hint from your silence. That wasn't the case here.

[imessedupbad]

Yep, sometimes you just have to stop trying to plot, be patient, control only what you can control and let life take its course from there. Honestly, learning to let go, accept that I can't make certain things happen and learning to be patient are the biggest lessons I've taken from my personal situation -- and all of those things will be valuable to me in the future.

 

You've said quite a few times that you got her back before and you are trying to recreate those steps in a way. Don't. Why? Because what you did before was ultimately unsuccessful. Yes, you got her back, but you got back the same flawed relationship which died the first time. Therefore, it died again and you are right back where you were. And it sucks. So let's not repeat history.

 

Yah, I guess I need to let the old relationship die. I guess I never let it die back then, or now. I just believe we could make it worth, but Its true I need to do a lot of personal growth. Like you said I need to let things happen how they are going to happen, but I also need to seize this opportunity to improve myself.

 

I am going NC and I am going to try to forget her for now. There is a good line in the book Into the Wild which says, "Sometimes you need to feel strong, to be strong."

[imessedupbad]

Yes, because it makes it look disingenuous to your ex. It comes off as a stunt, a hustle, a ploy. I'm not saying that's your intention, but that's the way it could easily be perceived, especially when using someone else as a middleman. You would have been better off doing nothing and fading to black. The only time you announce the need for space is if the other person keeps badgering you for contact and doesn't get a hint from your silence. That wasn't the case here.

 

I definitely did not mean it as a stunt. But its unfortunate, I guess I said some fairly regrettable things to her when I think about it. Basically now she will know I am really upset still, but I guess in the long run it doesn't really matter. But I wish I had been more thoughtful about that phone call with her sister to fade away a bit better. Otherwise I thought i've done ok breaking the cords in this relationship. I just was setback. I guess I thought it would come across as more honest to say I needed more time...but it all started with the sister suggesting we needed more time.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yah, I guess I need to let the old relationship die. I guess I never let it die back then, or now. I just believe we could make it worth, but Its true I need to do a lot of personal growth. Like you said I need to let things happen how they are going to happen, but I also need to seize this opportunity to improve myself.

 

I am going NC and I am going to try to forget her for now. There is a good line in the book Into the Wild which says, "Sometimes you need to feel strong, to be strong."

 

You aren't the only one who needs to grow -- almost all breakups are a product of both people making mistakes. It doesn't matter if you think it can work if she doesn't, and vice versa. It takes two to make it work, not just you. And you probably won't forget about her, but use her as an inspiration to move forward. Figure out what you can do better, work on that and use that in the next relationship. What you want is a newer, better relationship with someone -- you don't want to reboot one that was flawed in the first place.

[imessedupbad]

You aren't the only one who needs to grow -- almost all breakups are a product of both people making mistakes. It doesn't matter if you think it can work if she doesn't, and vice versa. It takes two to make it work, not just you. And you probably won't forget about her, but use her as an inspiration to move forward. Figure out what you can do better, work on that and use that in the next relationship. What you want is a newer, better relationship with someone -- you don't want to reboot one that was flawed in the first place.

 

I guess the feeling is that a lot of those flaws are within me. I am just turning 30 and all of a sudden I'm finding the demands from women are so much higher than before. I guess I was travelling a lot in other countries and it was an excuse to not have things together, not building something to work with. I feel that with some of those changes in place this relationship would be better and different than before. I have dated a lot of women and this one was different than any before. I want want to lose sight of that. But it is true that she could have chose to stay around and try to make it work and somebody will be willing to do that with me.

 

Its just really hard not to think about all the mistakes that were made, its like I won her back and then managed to screw it up again! I had it exactly where it needed to be and then I quit my job and things spiralled out of control for me again temporarily. it was too soon since the last breakup. I just think I acted immaturely and maybe its more than 50% my fault. I will hold onto those regrets...at least right now. When i try to think of her bad faults, I do think there are some, but for the most part I take all the blame. It doesnt make it easy.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess the feeling is that a lot of those flaws are within me. I am just turning 30 and all of a sudden I'm finding the demands from women are so much higher than before. I guess I was travelling a lot in other countries and it was an excuse to not have things together, not building something to work with. I feel that with some of those changes in place this relationship would be better and different than before. I have dated a lot of women and this one was different than any before. I want want to lose sight of that. But it is true that she could have chose to stay around and try to make it work and somebody will be willing to do that with me.

 

Its just really hard not to think about all the mistakes that were made, its like I won her back and then managed to screw it up again! I had it exactly where it needed to be and then I quit my job and things spiralled out of control for me again temporarily. it was too soon since the last breakup. I just think I acted immaturely and maybe its more than 50% my fault. I will hold onto those regrets...at least right now. When i try to think of her bad faults, I do think there are some, but for the most part I take all the blame. It doesnt make it easy.

 

I think that's normal. But as you move forward, you'll realize that a lot of your "faults" are really not nearly as epic as you make them out to be and she's not nearly as perfect as you are making her out to be. You are overthinking and overanalyzing. You need to turn your brain off a bit.

[imessedupbad]

I think that's normal. But as you move forward, you'll realize that a lot of your "faults" are really not nearly as epic as you make them out to be and she's not nearly as perfect as you are making her out to be. You are overthinking and overanalyzing. You need to turn your brain off a bit.

 

Thanks Simon. You have kept me sane tonight. I made a lot of realizations in this thread. You've provided some good advice because I lost myself in the emotional drama of being contacted again. And I kept it up for a bit too. So it sort of spiraled.

 

What happened with your ex? Did you ever get her back?

 

And yes, my brain is my own worst enemy sometimes, but works great in my profession.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks Simon. You have kept me sane tonight. I made a lot of realizations in this thread. You've provided some good advice because I lost myself in the emotional drama of being contacted again. And I kept it up for a bit too. So it sort of spiraled.

 

What happened with your ex? Did you ever get her back?

 

And yes, my brain is my own worst enemy sometimes, but works great in my profession.

 

Not the one that brought me here. I went 5.5 months NC then broke it when I felt I was cool however she reacted (though i was very careful to make sure this was the case). Breaking it went fine, didn't set me back at all and actually every time I talked to her, I got more even-keeled than I already was. Hell, half the time I was leaving her with the last word instead of responding to things.

 

We talked sporadically over a few months, increasing in friendliness and content, and I heard from my friend (her brother-in-law) that she wanted to see me. So I asked her to a friendly lunch (not necessarily to rekindle anything, just to see how it'd be and go from there). She told me she missed me and wanted to see me, but then she went off on how we broke in the first place, rehashing stuff from the past that I had long worked past (basically it was a short relationship, I got attached, scared, withdrew in a drunken fit out of fear of my feelings. She didn't take it well, dumped me, yada yada bladda).

 

I had no interest in a weird, awkward, rehashy encounter (we had a weekend with myself, her, her sister and my friend six weeks after we broke up that was awkward as all get-out and I in no way wanted a repeat of that sh*t). I did a short bullet-point email (at her request) outlining my perspective on it to answer whatever questions she might be stuck on. I then told her I was done rehashing and harboring things and that I'd be cool with hanging with her when she had done the same. Haven't heard from her since (it's been a few months) and really couldn't care less. I don't dislike her by any means, but if she can't move forward, then we can't be friends, lovers, whatever. And I'm not going to sit around and implore/wait for her to do that. She either will or she won't. I would guess I'll see her again at one point, but I am not going to do anything to bring that about.

 

I have had others who have come back around (in fact, most do) a year or years later. Hell, one of the most toxic breakups I ever had tried to get me back after over a year of No Contact. I decided not to jump down that rabbit hole, but you never know what life will deal you when you stop trying to control it.

 

As for the brain thing, it's the same for me. Believe it or not, I'm an overanalytical son-of-a-b*tch. My noggin is always going. But in matters of the heart, that can be your worst enemy, which is another thing I've learned. Sometimes you have to turn the switch to off and look at things in the simplest terms.

[imessedupbad]

Well, my ex ended up calling me over thanksgiving and we spoke for an hour. It was a bit of a long conversation but I guess there was a lot to catch up on. It kind of made me feel better knowing that my ex does care. A part of me realizes that I messed up in a lot of areas, but I can't hold that over my head and beat myself up over it forever. I would like to make improvements to myself though.

 

I ended up getting her sister a job which is going really well for her. And otherwise I've disconnected my ex from my life. We were speaking a lot the past couple weeks, but since Thanksgiving, we have gone radio silent. I guess there isn't much for us to say at the moment. A part of feels better, and it starting to accept the breakup more and more. I just realize how it didn't really work out, and nothing messed up happened to cause the breakup. Just things not really working...

 

I wish they could have, but as they say, you don't know what you don't know, and I will definitely know those things for next time. I would be lying if I said I didn't want my ex to come back into my life, but in the meantime things are getting better day to day.

 

I went on a date tonight with a very cute woman who actually "held a flame" to my ex, and it made me feel a lot better. Still I wonder what my ex is doing and if she still thinks about me. Her sister literally contacts me like every 2-3 days however asking me what I'm up to and asking me for advice in social media. I guess I should ignore the sister too. What a roller coaster ride. I still think I'm off the ride mostly. Now just to keep living my life, and maybe she will come back one day to realize I was a great boyfriend. Either way she chose to leave and I need to accept that. Just wanted to vent since its been a few weeks since I posted last.

[imessedupbad]

I have been through many breakups but I guess how long does it take until I start to feel better? I still cry every couple days, although my eating has returned to normal, especially since regularly going to the gym again.

 

Its been since Thanksgiving since I've talked to my ex girlfriend and so its been a couple more weeks. I am wondering if I should contact her on New Years? We are both Jewish, so no worries about Christmas. But I do feel like sending something. Her birthday is also coming up later in January. I'm guessing I should say nothing? The only thing, is that she messaged me and called me on my birthday, so I'd feel bad about it.

 

Some days feel a lot better, and my sleep is getting a bit back to normal. I'm starting to wake up at a reasonable hour and go to bed late, but not 6am. I have also stopped drinking heavily. So its all good progress, but I am starting to really feel things now that its been over 3 months. It is really sad, but I keep replaying in my head the last moments we hung out last and she said "this is my choice... this is what I want." Its painful but its still the reality of the situation.

 

I have a million things going on, a career change, ran a marathon, changed my look, working out like a madman, reading relationship books 4 months straight for hours, going to seminars, networking events, played music shows, wrote new songs, taking hip hop classes, yoga, hebrew lessons, synagogue, working on building a new brand, basically things are going very well. But I still can't get her out of my head completely. I don't know what else I can do at this point, but maybe its just because its been 3 months?

 

We broke up in the past and we were already talking a lot after 3 months, though it was similar to now. We have been in some contact, but haven't spoken in a couple weeks, and probably a dozen times total since the breakup via short emails, a phone call, and texts. But only one substantial phone call. I still want her back, but I also realize there were a lot of problems in the relationship, and ultimately I need more time to realistically grow as a person.

Edited December 22, 2013 by imessedupbad
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