Speakingofwhich Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Re-reading what I wrote and what others have said after a night's semi-sleepless night, I can see I am being incredibly selfish. It's just that the first month was so incredibly painful for me that I thought it was the same for her and that no person in that state could jump into someone else's arms so quickly ?? She told me she still has moments where she thinks of me and cries. I just thought when you are processing your feelings and learning those lessons that it would take longer than a month to be able to fall in love and more so than your relationship that just ended. And it was just such a shock to know that the guy is already looking for a job in our city to be with her. I am trying with my relationship with my wife - it's just going to take a long time and certainly I didn't expect any large changes in affection to my wife within a month since I was hurting so bad. Anyway, those are my thoughts and I know I can do more to be happy for her. She was processing her feelings long before the month after the two of you broke up and she has indicated to you that she is continuing to process her feelings for you even now. Is it possible your relationship with her was ending while it was taking place but you were so comfy cake eating that you didn't realize it? And she may not have realized it, either. It's sometimes very painful to be an OW, just as it's most of the time painful to be a BS. When an OW is in pain due to loving an unavailable man and the disrespect given to the R (yes, I know OW bears part of the responsibility for that disrespect, but it still effects both her and the relationship) she may naturally, and even sometimes without realizing it, begin the process of disconnecting with MM as a means of self preservation even while she seems to be 100% into the A. Possibly that's what happened with OW in this situation. Again, glad you're in IC! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 bconnor, let me know how it goes with getting her out of your mind, I still haven't found the solution. I understand the kick in the stomach and I understand about being selfish, we are human... it happens... thing is no matter what she felt for you or you felt for her and whether she has truly moved on or is trying to hurt you a bit, it can't matter.... it has to become irrelevant 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 She was processing her feelings long before the month after the two of you broke up and she has indicated to you that she is continuing to process her feelings for you even now. Is it possible your relationship with her was ending while it was taking place but you were so comfy cake eating that you didn't realize it? And she may not have realized it, either. It's sometimes very painful to be an OW, just as it's most of the time painful to be a BS. When an OW is in pain due to loving an unavailable man and the disrespect given to the R (yes, I know OW bears part of the responsibility for that disrespect, but it still effects both her and the relationship) she may naturally, and even sometimes without realizing it, begin the process of disconnecting with MM as a means of self preservation even while she seems to be 100% into the A. Possibly that's what happened with OW in this situation. Again, glad you're in IC! ^^This! I 100% relate to this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Bconnor, Are you in love with your wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bconnor Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 Happy: Yes, I absolutely love my wife. We had to fight to get married in the first place as being from 2 different cultures, I defied my parents because I truly believed she was the woman for me at the time and she hasn't changed - all her shining qualities are still there. My family has accepted her now and they do love her but it was hell for a few years to be estranged from your own mum & dad but I did it - because I so strongly believed that a person's color/religion should never be a barrier to everlasting love/marriage. My wife and I did talk about our aspirations for 2014 this evening and what our 5 year plan should be. She wants an apology for the betrayal and we did talk about the OW but she doesn't have details about the relationship - I keep getting comments that she doesn't want to know. She told me that she's seen a change in behavior after starting therapy which she is happy about. RickFox - Thinking about it, I don't honestly know it's going to be about getting her out of my mind but I think the 1st and most important step is getting her out of my heart. I have to stop putting her on a pedestal and start putting my wife there - slow and gradual process. I still waste enough time during the day thinking about the OW but I have to consciously acknowledge when that's happening and redirect those thoughts. SpeakingofWhich: I get the fact that she waited 2 years for me and I didn't commit. You are right - my actions and emotions were completely opposite. The OW threw in the towel the day after my birthday but the month before, I was horribly jealous with her as she was in an acting position as a manager and it was one I was told I was going to be doing but got changed in the last minute. So, Yes, I do believe we started disengaging within that last month. I see how self defeating jealousy can be now, it took me to lose her to realize that. I do get so angry at myself from time to time that I let myself be enslaved in this love. She told me in our closure session that she was deeply in love with me and that she believed for me, it was just an affair. I did love her - deeply and stupidly, enough to tell lies to be able to spend time with her but my point is that our love was never honest/true to begin with even if she had moved out of her home - I sincerely believe that. I know I was all huffed up yesterday about her suddenly finding someone so soon that the guy is willing to move to our city for her - what hurt was that 1 month was all it took before she fell into someone else's arms. But another way to look at it is that she's not my responsibility anymore - she's his now ... My responsibility is to start rebuilding myself to be a better father and incredible husband again... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Happy: Yes, I absolutely love my wife. We had to fight to get married in the first place as being from 2 different cultures, I defied my parents because I truly believed she was the woman for me at the time and she hasn't changed - all her shining qualities are still there. My family has accepted her now and they do love her but it was hell for a few years to be estranged from your own mum & dad but I did it - because I so strongly believed that a person's color/religion should never be a barrier to everlasting love/marriage. My wife and I did talk about our aspirations for 2014 this evening and what our 5 year plan should be. She wants an apology for the betrayal and we did talk about the OW but she doesn't have details about the relationship - I keep getting comments that she doesn't want to know. She told me that she's seen a change in behavior after starting therapy which she is happy about. RickFox - Thinking about it, I don't honestly know it's going to be about getting her out of my mind but I think the 1st and most important step is getting her out of my heart. I have to stop putting her on a pedestal and start putting my wife there - slow and gradual process. I still waste enough time during the day thinking about the OW but I have to consciously acknowledge when that's happening and redirect those thoughts. SpeakingofWhich: I get the fact that she waited 2 years for me and I didn't commit. You are right - my actions and emotions were completely opposite. The OW threw in the towel the day after my birthday but the month before, I was horribly jealous with her as she was in an acting position as a manager and it was one I was told I was going to be doing but got changed in the last minute. So, Yes, I do believe we started disengaging within that last month. I see how self defeating jealousy can be now, it took me to lose her to realize that. I do get so angry at myself from time to time that I let myself be enslaved in this love. She told me in our closure session that she was deeply in love with me and that she believed for me, it was just an affair. I did love her - deeply and stupidly, enough to tell lies to be able to spend time with her but my point is that our love was never honest/true to begin with even if she had moved out of her home - I sincerely believe that. I know I was all huffed up yesterday about her suddenly finding someone so soon that the guy is willing to move to our city for her - what hurt was that 1 month was all it took before she fell into someone else's arms. But another way to look at it is that she's not my responsibility anymore - she's his now ... My responsibility is to start rebuilding myself to be a better father and incredible husband again... You're still blaming her for only taking one month to "fall into someone else's arms", but the fact is, YOU were never OUT of someone else's arms. Again, same words my xmm said...you guys really are all alike. I was so wrong for even thinking about dating someone else, but the entire relationship, he was sleeping next to another woman every night, just like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) [quote=bconnor;5453933 SpeakingofWhich: I get the fact that she waited 2 years for me and I didn't commit. You are right - my actions and emotions were completely opposite. The OW threw in the towel the day after my birthday (this was not when she began to disengage) but the month before, I was horribly jealous with her as she was in an acting position as a manager and it was one I was told I was going to be doing but got changed in the last minute. So, Yes, I do believe we started disengaging within that last month. Again, you started disengaging within that last month, she most likely began disengaging many months before that. I see how self defeating jealousy can be now, it took me to lose her to realize that. I do get so angry at myself from time to time that I let myself be enslaved in this love. She told me in our closure session that she was deeply in love with me and that she believed for me, it was just an affair. I did love her - deeply and stupidly, enough to tell lies to be able to spend time with her but my point is that our love was never honest/true to begin with even if she had moved out of her home - I sincerely believe that. I know I was all huffed up yesterday about her suddenly finding someone so soon that the guy is willing to move to our city for her - what hurt was that 1 month was all it took before she fell into someone else's arms. As GreySky pointed out, you are still keyed in on her just taking a month to get involved with someone else when you were sleeping with another woman every night for your entire R with OW. But another way to look at it is that she's not my responsibility anymore she never was your responsibility, your wife was your responsibility- she's his now ... My responsibility is to start rebuilding myself to be a better father and incredible husband again Right... ten characters Edited January 9, 2014 by Speakingofwhich clarity Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Women have exit affairs, but men always stay with their wives ( so long as she doesn't want to divorce him). I thought this was well known? What???? Not only is this "not well known", it is also not true! Link to post Share on other sites
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