It's over

[WrinkledForehead]

I was the OW. I remember sincerely telling CM that if he wasn't going to be with me, that he needed to use the A as a lesson, something that pointed out the flaws in his R, and that he needed to make it worth it by putting forth a true effort to fix things with BS.

 

I recommend the same to you and I think counseling is an excellent idea.

[Baby123]

Please don't mess with ow or the bs.

 

Make your mind up once and for all. No going back and forth.

 

What do you want to be, a family man, or a man with a passionate relationship?

 

Don't just think short term- think long term.

 

Don't mess the ow around while you contemplate- make a concrete decision and then take action.

 

Try to minimise the hurt to both the ow and the bs.

[whatatangledweb]

Hi,

 

My work has suffered incredibly, lost focus, inability to concentrate, lack of willingness to work whilst she has moved from strength to strength this year. She's been given a lot of accolades and more responsibilities this year which recently led to a big blow-up from my side. I'm jealous as I am no longer the "teacher's pet" and I have made her life miserable by letting her know that.

 

I don't see where she is playing games by ending it. It sounds like you were jealous of her and made her miserable because she was doing well. When you love someone you celebrate their successes. You don't make them feel bad because they are doing better than you. She ended it because you are not good for her. It is an awful feeling to know that you can't share good news with someone you care about because they will make you feel like crap .

 

I know that being made to feel like that over time can kill love. I believe she does care for you . She hides her pain and puts a happy face on at work. When I found out about my husband's affair no one at work knew anything was wrong. I smiled and joked with them. They never saw my pain and heartbreak. While at home I was a complete mess.

 

Please don't try to get back with your OW now. You need to decide what you want. If you want to stay married than you can't give her anything but what she has already seen from you. If you want her. Get divorced first then try. You do need to talk to an IC. One is to find out why you were being emotionally abusive to the OW . Two is to help you find out what it is you want out of life.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

[maidai]

I'm not sure from the initial story described that this woman left her husband DUE to the OP or if he was just an excuse to leave an unhappy marriage. A clarification would be nice. But most of the times OWs don't quit that easily from a married man, especially if they left their husbands for him. This woman though seems to have quit really easily and show she doesn't care, I find it weird and makes me believe she is following a plan to make him leave his family (so typical women's tricks).

 

I dont hold with this. I think men in general leave if they have something else to run to. I think women invariably leave for *themselves*.

 

I would hasten a guess that making a brave move, leaving her husband, finding her own way in life, new interests, social circles etc has all boosted her confidence. A confidence boost enough now for her to realise that the MM is not what she needs in her life, that she can make her own way and possibly find someone who is able to join her fully in her next adventure. She may have indeed already found him after all she has been free to explore this possibility since leaving her husband. AP might well have been the original wake up call she needed where her marriage was concerned but during the move forward just been someone to lean on during this journey! Its called self respect some of us have it! She is free now to live and love and hurting herself over and over loving an unavailable man is not healthy and she has realised this.

Edited November 24, 2013 by maidai

[Iguanna]

I dont hold with this. I think men in general leave if they have something else to run to. I think women invariably leave for *themselves*.

 

If the mistress is there and ready to meet whenever a man wants, what is the reason for him to leave his wife? He has both relationships and he's satisfied. But if the mistress leaves him, then he realizes that he misses her, he lost what was meant to be his and the only way to get it back would be if he told his wife and he left her (something that the OP has admitted to start considering now while he hadn't considered it when he had the relationship with the OW). This shows me that he is more upset to lose what he considered his own than the person herself. It is a huge ego wound for him. Mistresses all around the world know that only if they leave the OM will he stop taking them for granted and he will realize that what he had is lost forever. Only then will he do something about it, if he wants to. Mistresses win towards the wives most of the times (at least for a short period of time) cause they haven't yet gone through routine in various aspects of life with the MM. They only share good moments (sex, going out, entertain themselves etc), while the wife asks for more from the man (money, various obligations for the house, the kids etc). A MM rarely understands that the OW will in time become a typical wife like the one he replaced to be with the OW in the first place.

[Cinnimon]

Cinnimon - I had tears when I read your post. I sincerely believe with all my heart that she's acting in the way that you've described. She's hurting like hell but she sacrificed for now and does not want to be tortured knowing I am unavailable.

 

I've got ask though - if he had come back 2 months later and told you that the time away had given him perspective and he wanted a life with you - would you have accepted a life with him ??

 

Someone else asked who I am in love with and it's the OW. Likewise, do I have any romantic inclinations to my wife - the answer is No. We haven't made love in something like 9-12 months.

 

I didn't go into this asking for anything other than friendship with a co-worker. But, we became way more emotionally attached than I could ever have imagined. I stand at the ledge wondering what to do now. My first reaction is to go to her and tell her I want a life. But.. that's what the heart wants - now I have to use my head - someone I haven't done for the better part of 1-1.5 years. So, I'll start by seeing a therapist next week and go through sessions to understand why.

 

The hardest part is going to be whether to tell my wife or not. Since she has already suspected something - it won't be a conversation starting from zero but I know it will destroy her and Yes, I clearly didn't show or think of these emotions when I started my affair - guilty as charged.

 

BC, he and I started out just friends and then the attachment came, the feelings and so it began, the guilt, the confusion , the standing on the edge as you stated. I stayed because he seemed to ALWAYS be standing on the edge. He claimed that he had no romantic feelings for his W he still felt an obligation to her. I was told he had been unhappy for many many years in his marriage, yet he had stayed because of his daughter, that after she had graduated high school, he would be leaving. When she did go off to college it then changed to well I don't want to ruin her memories of her first year of college with a divorce. This all took place over a period of about 3 years. I started to ask him some really hard questions and he finally answered them honestly which led me to walk away. I asked him, if you were to leave, would it be because you no longer wish to be married to her or would you be leaving for me? He said he would be leaving for me and that it would probably change who he is because of the guilt he would probably always feel. That was enough for me. Honestly, my thought was, if he had been struggling for so long with this, he obviously was STILL majorly invested with the heart and feelings of his W and family, and he would never be fully invested in mine. I do believe that people that are married can fall in love with another person, just as a person can fall love with someone who is unavailable, but just because this happens, it does not negate everything that you've invested in your marriage. I understand you have feelings for your OW, he told me he loved me right up to the very end, cried, text, called, asked me not to do this, but once I FINALLY realized that unless he was leaving his marriage because he was DONE with his marriage and not just for me, it would never work......So to answer your question, if he would have told me two months into it that he was leaving and wanted to be with me,and did so I probably would have believed that he was done with his marriage and wanted to be with me. Obviously he was not done with his marriage, and although he did love me, I was to high of price to pay for all that he felt he would lose.

I think you need to think about this too. Can you, could you live HAPPY and CONTENT with your OW after the fallout? Would you be the same person your OW fell in love with? Are you done with your marriage or would you be leaving for your OW? I think that your OW has asked herself the hard questions too and that is why she has chose to walk away from you.

I'm sorry, I know it is a very difficult situation and I definitely know the pain it brings from all sides.

[maidai]

If the mistress is there and ready to meet whenever a man wants, what is the reason for him to leave his wife? He has both relationships and he's satisfied. But if the mistress leaves him, then he realizes that he misses her, he lost what was meant to be his and the only way to get it back would be if he told his wife and he left her (something that the OP has admitted to start considering now while he hadn't considered it when he had the relationship with the OW). This shows me that he is more upset to lose what he considered his own than the person herself. It is a huge ego wound for him. Mistresses all around the world know that only if they leave the OM will he stop taking them for granted and he will realize that what he had is lost forever. Only then will he do something about it, if he wants to. Mistresses win towards the wives most of the times (at least for a short period of time) cause they haven't yet gone through routine in various aspects of life with the MM. They only share good moments (sex, going out, entertain themselves etc), while the wife asks for more from the man (money, various obligations for the house, the kids etc). A MM rarely understands that the OW will in time become a typical wife like the one he replaced to be with the OW in the first place.

 

Mistress gets into an affair whilst unhappy with her marriage. Or the Mistress uses the AP whilst getting out of a situation she is not happy with like a security blanket of someone to turn to, turns her life around and gains a bit of self respect, realises she is worth more and ends it.

 

Not all Mistresses are cruel, manipulative individuals out for self gain.

 

I wasnt a classic OW. We were together properly for 18mnths. He had been seperated from his wife for 3 years. When he chose to go back it took me one nano second to gather my self respect, see what I was worth and deserved more and walk away. I stopped myself from ever being the OW I could have fought and pushed for it to continue. I didnt.

 

I never once from that point on attempted to intefere with his marriage.

Edited November 24, 2013 by maidai

[bconnor]

Well -it's been just over 2 weeks and I have started my therapy sessions.

 

I just finished my 2nd therapy session today and I have to say, it's been great to let stuff out. Unfortunately, the therapy sessions (1 hour) aren't long enough but it will take some time to let everything out. The therapist was very good at suggesting things that I try with my wife.

 

Having said that, I still have sleepless nights and am woken constantly thinking of decisions. Do I go back to her or not ? Do I tell my wife or not. I was really moody over the last couple of days and my wife (bless her soul) told me that if we need to separate, then we should do that. My wife also made some comments along the lines that people shouldn't torture others with their sins. I have to say, I believe she knows all about the OW but is in denial and does not want me to bring it up. So, do I tell her tidbits and leave it at that or lock this secret away in myself and throw away the key forever. I worry if I do that it will resurface sometime in the future (maybe the OW becomes really bitter and lashes out ?).

 

I deleted the OW's emails and pictures over the last couple of days. I did move some emails that I wanted to keep hold off to my infrequent email account. Specifically, emails that the OW had with her spouse late last year when he knew what was going on. Even though they were living under the same roof, it came down to them emailing rather than talking. Honestly, I'm still shocked that the OW moved out within 6 months of the affair starting out - it's not like her husband is a monster - he's a very devoted father from what I understand and the OW just wanted more companionship, more romance, better sex. I don't get how I gave her more companionship - we were at work for most of the day and there was usually very little private time that we had.

I feel that I need to apologize to him someday in the future - face to face, not sure if that's a good idea though ?

 

I packed up her belongings - the shirts she gave me, the shirt/shorts for my son's birthday, a watch, perfume, a pen from overseas - packed it all up and have it stored in my locker at work. I figure I'll give this to her closer to our 1 month anniversary of NC - not sure if she's going to flip/break down but I don't want those belongings anymore - they represent a really dark chapter in my life.

 

We still work in close proximity - next cubicle over. It's tough, hearing her on conference calls, the occasional laugh. She's thrown herself into work. Considering how she's excelled over the last year, it's easier for her. I'm still struggling to get back to being a productive drone - this relationship took such a huge toll on my productivity.

 

It's not to say that I don't have dreams or visions of being with her - they are still there and strong. Even though I never committed to her in our 1-1.5 year relationship, I still feel incredibly responsible for destroying her life. I mean, she told me so many times that she wanted a life with me, she wanted to be married and there I was - being non committal.

 

Then, there's her kids - her 2 girls who she has for 50% of the time. Her oldest (7 year old) apparently doesn't listen to her mum, she's hit her mum and I wonder if I've played a large part in the misbehavior. At least, if she was living with her spouse, they could jointly parent the kids but now, it's 2 separate houses. I don't know if her spouse will take her back either - I mean, he's stated in an email that he waited around for 6 months for her to come back and she didn't. God - what a mess we created.

Edited December 3, 2013 by bconnor

[Cinnimon]

Bconner, if I may make a suggestion. Don't return the gifts to your OW. I can't imagine what that would do to me if my xmm did that to me, especially after 1 month of NC. What is she going to do with them, besides be tortured by the memories behind them. If they bother you, imagine what they will do to her. Just get rid of them if that is the way you feel. That's just my opinion. Good luck to you.

[Snowflower]

Having said that, I still have sleepless nights and am woken constantly thinking of decisions. Do I go back to her or not ? Do I tell my wife or not. I was really moody over the last couple of days and my wife (bless her soul) told me that if we need to separate, then we should do that. My wife also made some comments along the lines that people shouldn't torture others with their sins. I have to say, I believe she knows all about the OW but is in denial and does not want me to bring it up. So, do I tell her tidbits and leave it at that or lock this secret away in myself and throw away the key forever. I worry if I do that it will resurface sometime in the future (maybe the OW becomes really bitter and lashes out ?).

 

 

 

Why does everyone assume the BS is in denial? It sounds like she (your wife, remember her?) has a pretty good hunch that you have done something terrible.

 

Your wife knows something is wrong. She has even suggested separation. Why don't you take advantage of that?

 

And, the rest of your post (and pretty much all your posts) is all about the OW. I think that is where your feelings are.

 

Your wife and family are added as a footnote in your diatribe about the OW and her life and her marriage.

 

Take your wife up on her offer of marital separation. It sounds like a good idea.

[OldRover]

If the mistress is there and ready to meet whenever a man wants, what is the reason for him to leave his wife? He has both relationships and he's satisfied. But if the mistress leaves him, then he realizes that he misses her, he lost what was meant to be his and the only way to get it back would be if he told his wife and he left her (something that the OP has admitted to start considering now while he hadn't considered it when he had the relationship with the OW). This shows me that he is more upset to lose what he considered his own than the person herself. It is a huge ego wound for him. Mistresses all around the world know that only if they leave the OM will he stop taking them for granted and he will realize that what he had is lost forever. Only then will he do something about it, if he wants to. Mistresses win towards the wives most of the times (at least for a short period of time) cause they haven't yet gone through routine in various aspects of life with the MM. They only share good moments (sex, going out, entertain themselves etc), while the wife asks for more from the man (money, various obligations for the house, the kids etc). A MM rarely understands that the OW will in time become a typical wife like the one he replaced to be with the OW in the first place.

 

Iguanna,

 

I don't believe the OW will become the same as the original wife. There are reasons that the OW is there, and largely because she offers things that the original wife doesn't. So they are different. She may end up as a problem, but she can end up a bunch better.....

[Iguanna]

Iguanna,

 

I don't believe the OW will become the same as the original wife. There are reasons that the OW is there, and largely because she offers things that the original wife doesn't. So they are different. She may end up as a problem, but she can end up a bunch better.....

 

By "the same" I don't mean that she will have the same habits or she will treat him the same, but we all know that life in a marriage and also with kids has responsibilities, you have to pay bills, take kids at school, take them to friends or parties, buy them stuff, help them study, take care of the household, visiting relatives, all these things that are an obligation through marriage and having kids. The OW will do all these things eventually if she becomes the wife cause this is how things are. Unless they decide that they will win the lottery, not have kids and stay at home all day having sex and cuddle. In this case no, the OW will not become as the wife.

 

Regarding "There are reasons that the OW is there, and largely because she offers things that the original wife doesn't.". That's not always true. You are saying now that the wife is most of the times someone that MM did not love but he married her cause someone obliged him in some way (maybe threatened him or something), she is most of the times a total bitch and manipulator who is able to give the man of the house everything he wants but she is not willing to do this on purpose cause she is purely evil. We have to understand that after some years of dating and/or marriage, people don't remain the same as they were at the start of their relationship. They get older, they have more responsibilities at work and at home, they have less hours to spend with their spouses, and at the end of the day they are mostly tired and exhausted. I'm not even mentioning illnesses of themselves and/or relatives, deaths etc, sad events that have a bad impact on people. The OW has the advantage that her relationship with MM is not "ruined" with every day life or routine cause they have just started knowing each other. The OW has not yet heard MM snoring, being sick and moody, being angry, fighting, all these every day things that couples know about each other. The OW only spends ENTERTAINMENT TIME with MM while the wife is at home demanding from him to run errands and maybe be exhausted to have a sex life as it used to be.

 

I had read somewhere "no woman can get inside an ideal relationship" and it's true. BUT sometimes life can bring bad situations that will result for even a great relationship to have its "crashes". This does not mean that MM is justified to find another woman or that the OW will be happy to replace the wife.

[GG3]

We still work in close proximity - next cubicle over. It's tough, hearing her on conference calls, the occasional laugh. She's thrown herself into work. Considering how she's excelled over the last year, it's easier for her. I'm still struggling to get back to being a productive drone - this relationship took such a huge toll on my productivity.

 

I seriously doubt that she is NOT not hurting inside. I'm sure that she is. She probably wants you to hear her laugh. She wants you to think she is doing okay and she probably is throwing herself into her work to help with that.

 

I think you need to play the game back. Fake it until you make it. Suck it up and try to make it seem like you are doing just fine as well. Maybe after a while you will actually feel that way and it won't hurt as bad.

[bconnor]

Thanks CG3 - I'm the quiet type but you are right - I've heard about the fake it syndrome where after a while - you actually start genuinely believing in what you do. She's got it a little easier - she's the only Engineer with 20 guys around her and she's pretty and loud which makes it easier for people to want to interact with her.

 

Cinnimon - I thought long and hard about the gifts. Here's how I am rationalizing it. They were gifts she gave to me in a chapter of our lives where we were both extremely foolish. I thought about burning them in 1 big bonfire - not so easy to do. But, there's a watch ($100) and clothing for my son with tags on them. I thought she could either return some stuff or maybe donate to charity. It's like I need closure from these devilish items that she gave to me and the only way I get it is by giving them back to her. Whatever she does with them is irrelevant.

 

Snowflower - I realize most of my post was about the OW but hear me out. It's only been 2.5 weeks since this relationship came to an end. I let her be such an integral part of my life for the last 1-2 years that this attachment is not going to go away so easily - especially since I hear/see her everyday at work. There is nothing I can do about that - we work 1 cubicle apart and believe me, there are days when I just want to reach over and hug her. So, moving on is going to take a really long time. At the same time, I realize I need to fill this huge void with time with my wife/son but it's going to be a long road to recovery...

[Popsicle]

Women have exit affairs, but men always stay with their wives ( so long as she doesn't want to divorce him). I thought this was well known?

Edited December 4, 2013 by Popsicle

[Cinnimon]

I'm sorry you feel this way about the gifts, I'm sure you didn't think her gifts were devilish when she gave them to you and you excepted them. I understand that your upset though, it's not easy when someone you love and care about treats you like you don't mean a thing. I'm sure she felt the same at one point which led to her decision to leave the affair.

Good luck to you.

[Wambo]

Women have exit affairs, but men always stay with their wives ( so long as she doesn't want to divorce him). I thought this was well known?

 

 

Please don't take this the wrong way but my affair did serious harm to her primary relationship. Do you have any articles to support 'women has exit affairs?'

[Owl]

I'm going to say this point blank.

 

You don't love your wife. You're not attracted to her, you don't respect her enough to remain faithful nor honest with her.

 

Regardless as to whether or not OW is waiting in the wings for you, get off your duff and file for divorce. Your wife deserves better, and you'll never find someone else (OW or anyone else) if you stay where you're at.

 

Get your divorce going, get seperated from your wife, established on your own, and then see where things might be with OW or anyone else.

 

It's that simple.

 

All you have to do is stop looking for reasons not to do it.

[HollyGolightlly]

Holly - does the love from the OW go away so quickly ?? It's been a week today since we've had no contact outside work and she's laughing at work but I suspect she's dying inside too. Are all women able to multi-task so well ?? I sat at work most days this week sitting staring at my monitor knowing she's in the next cubicle but I can't quite reach over - not yet.

 

I've made my appointment with a therapist - first session is on Monday. I also told my sister about the affair - she's non judgemental but her advice is to keep my family intact.

 

I'm pretty sure people in the office know also - after all, we've been inseperable for the last year, we go out for coffee together, for lunch, I sit in meetings next to her. Someone sent a letter to her house a few months ago - only husband lives at the house - she had moved out at the start of the year. The letter basically stated that both of us had been seen leaving the office together after work and the intent of the letter was to warn the family that things may be amiss. The coward typed up the letter, didn't use their name and for some reason only sent it to her house. Her husband opened it and told her about it - he also told her he wasn't giving it over - he wanted it as a reminder of her ways.

 

I am struggling with the concept of telling my wife - I know this is totally going to destroy her. At the same time, I keep dreaming of how my life with this other woman would be. The back and forth - mental tirades are so physically exhausting. At the same time, I know, there is going to be so much regret for the rest of my life - damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

I haven't made love to my wife for close to a year. She hasn't cared - why not ?? Is my 3 year old son the only thing in her life that she truly cares about ?

 

I agree with the statement that the OW was sick of torturing herself over an unavailable man. I have been incredibly selfish - I wanted the stable concept of a marriage but at the same time, I wanted to be with this incredibly sexy, talented woman.

 

I'm not sure what my wife will do when she finds out - whether she'll want to stay for the sake of our son or go. She knows I've been acting weird this week - chalking it up to work and depression - I've told her about the therapist appointment. She is such a sweet girl and she doesn't deserve me.

 

Is it normal to have such bipolar thoughts after a week ??

 

 

 

It's strange getting your perspective- No the love does not go away. IMO If she truly didn't like you, she would be quiet and probably trying to avoid you in an awkward way.

 

Why can't you leave your wife? Do you still love her? If you love the OW so much, why not just work it out? Why do men do this thing where they stay with the wife for the kids? Can it even work that way?

[zevahc]

Suggest you start laughing and being fun too. Stop moping. Life is too short to be so melodramatic.

 

This is really good advice. I'll you waht though...much easier said than done...and initially you have to force yourself to enjoy life again and realize that we only have one life to live...dignity for yourself.

 

I still very much care and love my xAP. Wrong right or indifferent. Regardless of what she put me through...(many think it's dumb and should have been eye opening). The only thing that began to change for me is I started losing a lot of respect for myself...didn't like me...or who i was...so I started actively doing other things. Dating, getting busy, and i found I started having some confidence by not just being there when it was conveninent for her. I quit answering her IM's, texts etc...started forcing her to deal with her own M. And in turn I gained respect for myself. i don't know where or what is going on with her M. I know she's battling. But I got to a point where I really don't care to make it my concern or problem.

 

I don't think every situation is the same whether people on here want to admit it or not. I don't think everyone is a habitual cheater or a narcissist. I also don't think every solution is the same. But I think the one constant is you have to care about yourself or nobody else will. Your current situation is causing you torture, and unless you take "action", and that isn't just venting on a board, things do not change. Seek therapy need be...when the time is right (i recommend talking to a professional first), talk to your W. Change jobs, but be proactive...if something isn't working after a few months...keep trying...but change the course.

[deponie12]

Bconnor,

 

In the end, it was HER choice to leave her marriage--do not take responsibility for HER actions!! You are beating yourself up over what SHE chose to do. ok? Therapy will work wonders, I go see mine twice a month- I have dealt with a crazy man for 3 years- got out recently- trying to build myself up again. went NC for 35 days now, he has reached out several times through my office voice mail ( although the coward waits until I am NOT here-- he calls here off hours!!) If he really wanted to try, he should call to chat when I am at work, he knows my schedule... ugh! But in the end, I am glad I am free of him-- hang in there!! It will get easier.

[deponie12]

Thanks CG3 - I'm the quiet type but you are right - I've heard about the fake it syndrome where after a while - you actually start genuinely believing in what you do. She's got it a little easier - she's the only Engineer with 20 guys around her and she's pretty and loud which makes it easier for people to want to interact with her.

 

Cinnimon - I thought long and hard about the gifts. Here's how I am rationalizing it. They were gifts she gave to me in a chapter of our lives where we were both extremely foolish. I thought about burning them in 1 big bonfire - not so easy to do. But, there's a watch ($100) and clothing for my son with tags on them. I thought she could either return some stuff or maybe donate to charity. It's like I need closure from these devilish items that she gave to me and the only way I get it is by giving them back to her. Whatever she does with them is irrelevant.

 

Snowflower - I realize most of my post was about the OW but hear me out. It's only been 2.5 weeks since this relationship came to an end. I let her be such an integral part of my life for the last 1-2 years that this attachment is not going to go away so easily - especially since I hear/see her everyday at work. There is nothing I can do about that - we work 1 cubicle apart and believe me, there are days when I just want to reach over and hug her. So, moving on is going to take a really long time. At the same time, I realize I need to fill this huge void with time with my wife/son but it's going to be a long road to recovery...

 

 

I would EBAY all the gifts-- then take that money and buy your wife and child something for Christmas.

[Popsicle]

What's wrong with your wife? Why do you have to be with another woman? Can't you fix your marriage?

[Popsicle]

Please don't take this the wrong way but my affair did serious harm to her primary relationship. Do you have any articles to support 'women has exit affairs?'

 

what I mean is, they have affairs because they have already checked out emotionally and sexually from their marriage, and had contemplated divorce before the affair, but didn't have the emotional strength to do it. The affair emboldens them.

[bconnor]

Okay - it's been a month and I have to say that I am very slowly moving out of the fog. The OW and I said our goodbyes in an email this week. Her email stated that she wanted to live a life that was free and honest and didn't want to worry what her husband/boyfriend(me) would think. She also said she could never be with me anymore for 2 strong reasons - 1) she didn't want to be the reason for my marriage to fail, 2) she didn't want to jeopardize whatever relationship she had left with her husband as she didn't think he would ever forgive her if I was married to her and co-parenting their 2 girls. She also said that she knew the lesson that was learnt as a result of God fating us to meet - that is, that she could love so deeply and honestly another person.

 

I have to say, I felt a little relief when I read that for the reasons that follow. I took 2 days to email back as I wanted to make sure that whilst she had closed the door, that I wanted to honestly do that too and not just respond to be be vindictive or hurtful. You see, when we split, I thought of everything under the sun in order for us to be together - how we would co-parent, deal with family, co-workers, ex-spouses, where we would live, holiday etc; etc; But there was more than 1 occasion where I woke up early in bed knowing it was wrong. Coupled with the fact that I've been yelled at by close friends who now know what transpired, I can safely say that the fog of love has lifted. I guess it had too - I didn't know my head could hurt so so much - all the Ibuprofen in the world didn't take the pain away.

 

But, I finally realize unequivocally that our love was based on deception and deceit. The fantasies about being with the OW are subsiding quickly and I see now how much damage has been done - to both of our families, my work performance, my self-respect, my dignity and my belief structure. I can say it is such a humbling experience knowing you have done so much wrong for such a long time. I realize this might sound melodramatic or over the top but please just let me get it out.

 

So, in my email, I shut the door by stating that I could never love her again or ever want to be with her again because our love was based on a foundation of wrong. I told her that our love was based on deception and deceit and whilst she might think I was being self righteous and might be angry about it now - it was now with no time with her that I can truly see the impacts of our actions. I also told her that the only honest and true love that a person should have is with their significant other and that any love outside is neither honest nor true and that God would agree.

 

I wasn't trying to rebuttal her points in so much as providing her my viewpoint of what she had stated. You see, from her email and her reasons for not wanting to be with me, I don't get the impression that she understands that our love was wrong and that everything we did in it was wrong. Her illusion is that she loved someone so deeply and honestly but how can you say that now when one of the reasons you don't want to be with the person is being a home-wrecker.

 

I did tell her that the time for not being labelled a home-wrecker has come and gone - the time to not be labelled that term was before we crossed boundaries and fell in love. I'd like to hope that her husband feels some relief and peace with us not being together anymore but how is he going to feel when a new person enters her life, isn't he going to go through all the pain again and having to worry about someone else co-parenting her kids. Or will he just feel relief that it isn't me.

 

I tell you - 2 weeks, 2 weeks of excruciating pain is all she endured. After that, her life is now filled with happiness from friends, her 2 girls and strangers. Is that all I was worth ?? I know there was a lot of tears for the last year when she initially moved out of home, told her parents and closest friends but still. I mean we were together for 18 months.. Here I am still trying to find a way to be more focused / attentive at work knowing she is only sitting about 6 feet away from me.

 

Cinnimon - you'll be glad to know that I didn't return her items to her. As soon as I read her email, I took all her gifts, 2 shirts, cologne, pen, shirt+shorts for my son and put them in the clothing charity bin. I have a number of pictures of us together in an email format - I don't know whether to delete them forever or archive them.

 

The next step in my life is going to be trying to rebuild my marriage - that is going to be such a tough road. Likewise, I have to focus/concentrate at work - she is doing so much better and I have so much to catch-up on.

 

I have to say that the headaches have reduced but this emptiness, void, the feeling that life is somewhat over still plagues me even though I have a wife,son to support. I let her into my heart - let her live there for so long that it's going to take a while to let her go. I want to be angry at her - I want to push her out but I can't do that so easily either. I realize that we go through various phases, denial, anger, sadness, depression, acceptance and whilst I've reached acceptance (There is still that 0.000001% of me that wants everything to work out between us) - the sadness,depression are hitting me now.

 

Anyway, that's my update - I'd love to hear some thoughts.