It's over

[jan2012]

Without reading the entire thread, I am expecting that you did move where you sit so you don't have to see her anymore??

[RickFox]

Holly - does the love from the OW go away so quickly ?? It's been a week today since we've had no contact outside work and she's laughing at work but I suspect she's dying inside too. Are all women able to multi-task so well ?? I sat at work most days this week sitting staring at my monitor knowing she's in the next cubicle but I can't quite reach over - not yet.

 

I've made my appointment with a therapist - first session is on Monday. I also told my sister about the affair - she's non judgemental but her advice is to keep my family intact.

 

I'm pretty sure people in the office know also - after all, we've been inseperable for the last year, we go out for coffee together, for lunch, I sit in meetings next to her. Someone sent a letter to her house a few months ago - only husband lives at the house - she had moved out at the start of the year. The letter basically stated that both of us had been seen leaving the office together after work and the intent of the letter was to warn the family that things may be amiss. The coward typed up the letter, didn't use their name and for some reason only sent it to her house. Her husband opened it and told her about it - he also told her he wasn't giving it over - he wanted it as a reminder of her ways.

 

I am struggling with the concept of telling my wife - I know this is totally going to destroy her. At the same time, I keep dreaming of how my life with this other woman would be. The back and forth - mental tirades are so physically exhausting. At the same time, I know, there is going to be so much regret for the rest of my life - damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

I haven't made love to my wife for close to a year. She hasn't cared - why not ?? Is my 3 year old son the only thing in her life that she truly cares about ?

 

I agree with the statement that the OW was sick of torturing herself over an unavailable man. I have been incredibly selfish - I wanted the stable concept of a marriage but at the same time, I wanted to be with this incredibly sexy, talented woman.

 

I'm not sure what my wife will do when she finds out - whether she'll want to stay for the sake of our son or go. She knows I've been acting weird this week - chalking it up to work and depression - I've told her about the therapist appointment. She is such a sweet girl and she doesn't deserve me.

 

Is it normal to have such bipolar thoughts after a week ??

 

Understand this: Women are masters of their emotions, men use strength to get what they want, and women are cunning, masters at playing the cards with their strength (emotion). I haven't read the whole thread because this caught my eye, but she is probably dying just like you but she will not show it to you, she can't, she can't let you see the pain.

 

My xmw women said, "what you see on the outside isn't necessarily how I feel on the inside." But it doesn't matter, it can take a long long time to move forward, God knows I'm not done yet...but it can be done. Focus on you, your wife, and your son...that is where your true happiness is.

[bconnor]

Jan2012 - No, we still sit in exactly the same seats - 1 cubicle apart. I'd like to believe I'm stronger now and not so vulnerable as we both have our reasons for not ever wanting to be with each other anymore. I hope I continue to remain strong going forward. Maybe, sitting where we are and not having this relationship will actually allow us to realize 6 months - 1 year down the road that we truly are done with each other. I don't want friendship or anything else from her - just for her to be civil/cordial/respectful to be in work matters

[Cinnimon]

Okay - it's been a month and I have to say that I am very slowly moving out of the fog. The OW and I said our goodbyes in an email this week. Her email stated that she wanted to live a life that was free and honest and didn't want to worry what her husband/boyfriend(me) would think. She also said she could never be with me anymore for 2 strong reasons - 1) she didn't want to be the reason for my marriage to fail, 2) she didn't want to jeopardize whatever relationship she had left with her husband as she didn't think he would ever forgive her if I was married to her and co-parenting their 2 girls. She also said that she knew the lesson that was learnt as a result of God fating us to meet - that is, that she could love so deeply and honestly another person.

 

I have to say, I felt a little relief when I read that for the reasons that follow. I took 2 days to email back as I wanted to make sure that whilst she had closed the door, that I wanted to honestly do that too and not just respond to be be vindictive or hurtful. You see, when we split, I thought of everything under the sun in order for us to be together - how we would co-parent, deal with family, co-workers, ex-spouses, where we would live, holiday etc; etc; But there was more than 1 occasion where I woke up early in bed knowing it was wrong. Coupled with the fact that I've been yelled at by close friends who now know what transpired, I can safely say that the fog of love has lifted. I guess it had too - I didn't know my head could hurt so so much - all the Ibuprofen in the world didn't take the pain away.

 

But, I finally realize unequivocally that our love was based on deception and deceit. The fantasies about being with the OW are subsiding quickly and I see now how much damage has been done - to both of our families, my work performance, my self-respect, my dignity and my belief structure. I can say it is such a humbling experience knowing you have done so much wrong for such a long time. I realize this might sound melodramatic or over the top but please just let me get it out.

 

So, in my email, I shut the door by stating that I could never love her again or ever want to be with her again because our love was based on a foundation of wrong. I told her that our love was based on deception and deceit and whilst she might think I was being self righteous and might be angry about it now - it was now with no time with her that I can truly see the impacts of our actions. I also told her that the only honest and true love that a person should have is with their significant other and that any love outside is neither honest nor true and that God would agree.

 

I wasn't trying to rebuttal her points in so much as providing her my viewpoint of what she had stated. You see, from her email and her reasons for not wanting to be with me, I don't get the impression that she understands that our love was wrong and that everything we did in it was wrong. Her illusion is that she loved someone so deeply and honestly but how can you say that now when one of the reasons you don't want to be with the person is being a home-wrecker.

 

I did tell her that the time for not being labelled a home-wrecker has come and gone - the time to not be labelled that term was before we crossed boundaries and fell in love. I'd like to hope that her husband feels some relief and peace with us not being together anymore but how is he going to feel when a new person enters her life, isn't he going to go through all the pain again and having to worry about someone else co-parenting her kids. Or will he just feel relief that it isn't me.

 

I tell you - 2 weeks, 2 weeks of excruciating pain is all she endured. After that, her life is now filled with happiness from friends, her 2 girls and strangers. Is that all I was worth ?? I know there was a lot of tears for the last year when she initially moved out of home, told her parents and closest friends but still. I mean we were together for 18 months.. Here I am still trying to find a way to be more focused / attentive at work knowing she is only sitting about 6 feet away from me.

 

Cinnimon - you'll be glad to know that I didn't return her items to her. As soon as I read her email, I took all her gifts, 2 shirts, cologne, pen, shirt+shorts for my son and put them in the clothing charity bin. I have a number of pictures of us together in an email format - I don't know whether to delete them forever or archive them.

 

The next step in my life is going to be trying to rebuild my marriage - that is going to be such a tough road. Likewise, I have to focus/concentrate at work - she is doing so much better and I have so much to catch-up on.

 

I have to say that the headaches have reduced but this emptiness, void, the feeling that life is somewhat over still plagues me even though I have a wife,son to support. I let her into my heart - let her live there for so long that it's going to take a while to let her go. I want to be angry at her - I want to push her out but I can't do that so easily either. I realize that we go through various phases, denial, anger, sadness, depression, acceptance and whilst I've reached acceptance (There is still that 0.000001% of me that wants everything to work out between us) - the sadness,depression are hitting me now.

 

Anyway, that's my update - I'd love to hear some thoughts.

 

You know, I have to say I find a bit of comfort in your words, probably for selfish reasons. I ended it with my MM because he made the decision to stay in his marriage . He told me right up to the end that he still loved me and still struggled with his confliction over me and being married. I have not heard a word from him yet I have wondered if in the almost 4 years that we had together if he felt a loss for me. I guess hearing you say you still feel a loss makes me feel a little better. I'm sorry , I know that is selfish but I am being honest. My question is (and I am asking sincerely) do you feel like you will be able to feel with your wife the kind of love you felt with the OW?

I wish you the best, I know this has been so hard for you. I know the sadness, the emptiness, the depression you feel.......I really do

[RickFox]

Upon reading your update, don't think she isn't feeling the pain, she is, she's just better at putting it aside than you are. She is focusing on her children and outside areas, it takes time away from feeling what she felt. While you say the love was wrong and deceitful, and you are right, you basically slapped her in the face with your response as the vast majority of women, they don't just jump in the sack and proclaim to be in love at the drop of a hat. She more than likely did love you, very much so, but when your worlds collided, it was a big push back and away. It can't matter anymore, none of it matters, you can wallow in self pity you can miss her, grieve, cry, do what you need to do... but do it without putting her on the pedestal. Accept the fact you loved her, but it wasn't the right time and focus on what you need and truly want in your life.

[Popsicle]

Upon reading your update, don't think she isn't feeling the pain, she is, she's just better at putting it aside than you are. She is focusing on her children and outside areas, it takes time away from feeling what she felt. While you say the love was wrong and deceitful, and you are right, you basically slapped her in the face with your response as the vast majority of women, they don't just jump in the sack and proclaim to be in love at the drop of a hat. She more than likely did love you, very much so, but when your worlds collided, it was a big push back and away. It can't matter anymore, none of it matters, you can wallow in self pity you can miss her, grieve, cry, do what you need to do... but do it without putting her on the pedestal. Accept the fact you loved her, but it wasn't the right time and focus on what you need and truly want in your life.

Yes, this is very well said.

[whichwayisup]

I can't remember but did your wife ever find out about the affair?

[Iguanna]

I have 2 thoughts: firstly I'm not convinced yet that this woman did not push things to the edge just to make you leave your family for her, she risked everything trying to make you hurt so much from her absence so that you would reply to her "oh no, I can't live without you, I'm gonna do whatever is needed for us to be together" and she just lost cause you didn't give this reply.

 

Secondly, I don't find it fair for your wife that you just decided FOR her that you will go back and work things with her. She needs to know the whole truth, the story as it happened, and then SHE gets to decide if she'll get you back or not. This is the fair thing to do.

[vanellope]

But, I finally realize unequivocally that our love was based on deception and deceit. The fantasies about being with the OW are subsiding quickly and I see now how much damage has been done - to both of our families, my work performance, my self-respect, my dignity and my belief structure. I can say it is such a humbling experience knowing you have done so much wrong for such a long time. I realize this might sound melodramatic or over the top but please just let me get it out.

 

So, in my email, I shut the door by stating that I could never love her again or ever want to be with her again because our love was based on a foundation of wrong. I told her that our love was based on deception and deceit and whilst she might think I was being self righteous and might be angry about it now - it was now with no time with her that I can truly see the impacts of our actions. I also told her that the only honest and true love that a person should have is with their significant other and that any love outside is neither honest nor true and that God would agree.

 

I have been the other woman, and here is my thought.

 

I think you did really in love with each other, this part is true, i don't think it's based on deception and deceit, human feelings can not be pretended.

 

you made your choice to stay with your wife, and I don't think her leaving is anything wrong. she did love you and actually I think she still love you. you don't give her commitment and dont plan the future with her is the reason she leave. think it in this way, do you think if you divorce with your wife and you wife will keep unconditinally love you and stay with you?

 

for the other woman, the feeling is like this, when one day they realized you are not going to divorce and have life with her, the feeling is just same as you told her you are divorce with her, so what you expect for?

 

in many case, other woman is single, loyal and truly love the married man for many years, but then the man make choice to stay in marrage but at the same time blam the other woman didnt keep stay with him. I must say, you don't love this woman truly, otherwise you would choice build the life with her and mature find a way to tell your wife truth and help her not hurt too much, and think about how to let your kids still know you love them unconditinally and accept it.

 

you are just selfish and not brave enough, that's why you feel pain now.

Edited December 18, 2013 by vanellope

[vanellope]

I have 2 thoughts: firstly I'm not convinced yet that this woman did not push things to the edge just to make you leave your family for her, she risked everything trying to make you hurt so much from her absence so that you would reply to her "oh no, I can't live without you, I'm gonna do whatever is needed for us to be together" and she just lost cause you didn't give this reply.

 

Secondly, I don't find it fair for your wife that you just decided FOR her that you will go back and work things with her. She needs to know the whole truth, the story as it happened, and then SHE gets to decide if she'll get you back or not. This is the fair thing to do.

 

I don't think the other woman make him pain on purpose or playing the game or manipulation.

 

nobody has power to control others feeling, you feel pain because your ideal plan that have two woman in your side to be used by you is fail.

 

I think the other woman choose to leave is because simply she want to leave, because she feel disappoint and pain for this no future love.

[beach]

I have been the other woman, and here is my thought.

 

I think you did really in love with each other, this part is true, i don't think it's based on deception and deceit, human feelings can not be pretended.

 

you made your choice to stay with your wife, and I don't think her leaving is anything wrong. she did love you and actually I think she still love you. you don't give her commitment and dont plan the future with her is the reason she leave. think it in this way, do you think if you divorce with your wife and you wife will keep unconditinally love you and stay with you?

 

for the other woman, the feeling is like this, when one day they realized you are not going to divorce and have life with her, the feeling is just same as you told her you are divorce with her, so what you expect for?

 

in many case, other woman is single, loyal and truly love the married man for many years, but then the man make choice to stay in marrage but at the same time blam the other woman didnt keep stay with him. I must say, you don't love this woman truly, otherwise you would choice build the life with her and mature find a way to tell your wife truth and help her not hurt too much, and think about how to let your kids still know you love them unconditinally and accept it.

 

you are just selfish and not brave enough, that's why you feel pain now.

 

He didn't really make the choice to stay with his wife - his OW made that choice for him by stating she didn't want the A anymore.

 

Big difference.

 

Solo - what is your plan to repair the marriage? What actions are you taking to make sure the marriage gets back on a healthy, loving track?

[Iguanna]

He didn't really make the choice to stay with his wife - his OW made that choice for him by stating she didn't want the A anymore.

 

Big difference.

 

Solo - what is your plan to repair the marriage? What actions are you taking to make sure the marriage gets back on a healthy, loving track?

 

We don't know why she did it. Sometimes it's the plan that mistresses have, to break up with a guy at the moment when he is really crazy about them so they are obliged to leave their wives.

 

And the OP is bconnor Not solo.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Iguanna

[beach]

We don't know why she did it. Sometimes it's the plan that mistresses have, to break up with a guy at the moment when he is really crazy about them so they are obliged to leave their wives.

 

And the OP is bconnor Not solo.

 

Oops, yes, sorry about that!

[jan2012]

Jan2012 - No, we still sit in exactly the same seats - 1 cubicle apart. I'd like to believe I'm stronger now and not so vulnerable as we both have our reasons for not ever wanting to be with each other anymore. I hope I continue to remain strong going forward. Maybe, sitting where we are and not having this relationship will actually allow us to realize 6 months - 1 year down the road that we truly are done with each other. I don't want friendship or anything else from her - just for her to be civil/cordial/respectful to be in work matters

 

That has got to be difficult, I would want to move to another side or face a different direction. Out of site, out of mind.

[blue963]

Perhaps she broke it off because he is unavailable, and since she is single she can give herself a chance at life that she desires.

[bconnor]

Rick - you are right - looking back at my response to her - I did slap her. I think what really hurts me is that I had previously said No to her 2 times prior in terms of wanting a life with her and I had also begged her not to leave her husband and to think of the kids etc; I'm more pissed at myself that even though I said what the boundaries were, I still feel into her lap every time after. I agree that our love and what we felt(feel) for each other is real but after we crossed boundaries, that love was tainted by deception & deceit, isn't it ??

 

Cinnimon, the relationship I have had with my wife is so different than the OW and this is where the high comes from. It was the fact that our emotional/physical attraction, compulsions were elevated by doing something that we both I'm sure knew was wrong at the time but logic took a back seat. I believe my wife & I can be stronger in the future but I need to find a way to not put the OW on a pedestal and have her occupy my thoughts every waking moment - I realize it's only been a month but boy - she probably occupies my thoughts for most parts of the day. I'm glad it gave you some comfort. I'm sorry you didn't hear from the OP. Do you know anything about his relationship with his wife now ??

 

Yes, she did end the affair because she was getting sick of waiting for me to commit and be available. She is not technically single (she's still married) even though she moved out of the house a year ago.

 

What actions am I taking. First things first, it was to close the door on any future/hope with the OW by sending that email. Secondly, I'm working through therapy on a weekly basis. Thirdly, my wife & I are starting to talk more openly. Someone asked if she knows about the affair. Put it this way, she told me my relationship with the OW was inappropriate, she knows I've spent time with her and my wife hates the mention of the OW's name. She also told me this week she's glad I'm going to therapy and talking - she also stated it's not always fair to burden someone innocent with details and make them feel miserable (My Translation: She knows about the affair but she doesn't want any details).

 

The OW is pretty much 110% dedicated at work - firing off emails and doing a lot of work to gain recognition and make herself more visible. I need to start getting focused in the New Year otherwise I am going to be left behind in the team.

[RightThere]

Congrats on the positive steps forward.

 

In regards to your wife, I'm not sure you two are communicating totally clearly on the affair. You may think she doesn't want to know, and in her head she may want to be in denial about it, but I don't think you two will be able to properly repair without being totally honest.

 

That is something I would definitely discuss in therapy. If you and your wife don't directly address the affair, it will get glossed over but remain under the surface of your relationship.

 

My two cents. An affair is very hard for the betrayed spouse to process if they haven't been exposed to something like that in their lives before. All the evidence in the world could be in front of them, but they still won't put the last piece of the puzzle together through their own denial.

[Iguanna]

I think that if I were in his wife's shoes I wouldn't want to know either. The important thing would be that he realized his mistake, he chose me and he is with me now. My mom always says "at whichever point you stop something wrong it's a profit".

[bconnor]

UPDATE After 2 months.

 

Well, Happy New Year to all and I hope 2014 brings you peace and happiness.

 

I have to say, I left 2013 not talking to the OW at work - being totally silent towards her and trying to move on with my life. At the same time, I still had these time inducing minutes/hours where I would think about her.

 

I can only say I have been completely run over by a semi-trailer.

 

We had a closure talk today. She told me her husband is filing for divorce, she's apparently not sad about it at all (it's been a year of living separately). She doesn't blame me for the end of her marriage either - after all, she did have short but multiple infidelities before us and she wants to take responsibility for her marriage breaking down and not pin it on me. I can't quite accept that yet but I hope I can get over it in time.

 

What floored me was when she said she has started seeing someone again already - he's 10 years older, different culture, old friend that's never been married and she's told him everything. What I am absolutely struggling with is that she reconnected with him about 1 month after we broke up and she's in love with him already. WTF ?? I mean we had a relationship for close to 2 years and in 1.5 months, she's already found someone she loves more than me.

 

I sat there smiling away when she was telling me this - and even though my head/heart don't hurt as much as the initial days after my break up, I am still incredibly hurt. That's why she's been looking so happy at work.

 

At this point, she also mentioned being friends again, it's like she has a new lover and she can have her friend back and her life is happy again.

 

I am so confused and hurt, angry by her. The other guy is living in a different city but he's already looking for a job in our city so they can be together.

 

I was only worth 1 month to her in the end !! Is that the way I read this ???

[experiencethedevine]

UPDATE After 2 months.

 

Well, Happy New Year to all and I hope 2014 brings you peace and happiness.

 

I have to say, I left 2013 not talking to the OW at work - being totally silent towards her and trying to move on with my life. At the same time, I still had these time inducing minutes/hours where I would think about her.

 

I can only say I have been completely run over by a semi-trailer.

 

We had a closure talk today. She told me her husband is filing for divorce, she's apparently not sad about it at all (it's been a year of living separately). She doesn't blame me for the end of her marriage either - after all, she did have short but multiple infidelities before us and she wants to take responsibility for her marriage breaking down and not pin it on me. I can't quite accept that yet but I hope I can get over it in time.

 

What floored me was when she said she has started seeing someone again already - he's 10 years older, different culture, old friend that's never been married and she's told him everything. What I am absolutely struggling with is that she reconnected with him about 1 month after we broke up and she's in love with him already. WTF ?? I mean we had a relationship for close to 2 years and in 1.5 months, she's already found someone she loves more than me.

 

I sat there smiling away when she was telling me this - and even though my head/heart don't hurt as much as the initial days after my break up, I am still incredibly hurt. That's why she's been looking so happy at work.

 

At this point, she also mentioned being friends again, it's like she has a new lover and she can have her friend back and her life is happy again.

 

I am so confused and hurt, angry by her. The other guy is living in a different city but he's already looking for a job in our city so they can be together.

 

I was only worth 1 month to her in the end !! Is that the way I read this ???

 

 

 

I would say so.

 

 

It looks as though she was not as invested as you might have thought.

 

 

Clever girl, very clever. Having it all exactly as she likes it, and it appears you have been involved with someone you really didn't know as well as you thought.

[Iguanna]

Well if you think about it the other way, what would you expect her to do? She had an affair with you for 2 years. You had her for granted. When she finally found the strength to break up with you, did you chase her? Did you leave your wife for her? NO. You stayed with your wife and you waved her goodbye. On what grounds would you expect her to stand by and hope you two will ever be together? I find you are selfish and indecisive. You chose to stay with your wife and she went on with her life. You didn't make any sacrifice for her and you showed her exactly how much she counts for you (not at all). I don't care that you say you still love her etc, your actions say "I love my wife more". You should be happy for her and pray that she will be happy with this new man she has. But most of all you should try and work things out with your wife instead of taking all your energy to care about what t he xOW is doing.

[GreySkyMorning]

UPDATE After 2 months.

 

Well, Happy New Year to all and I hope 2014 brings you peace and happiness.

 

I have to say, I left 2013 not talking to the OW at work - being totally silent towards her and trying to move on with my life. At the same time, I still had these time inducing minutes/hours where I would think about her.

 

I can only say I have been completely run over by a semi-trailer.

 

We had a closure talk today. She told me her husband is filing for divorce, she's apparently not sad about it at all (it's been a year of living separately). She doesn't blame me for the end of her marriage either - after all, she did have short but multiple infidelities before us and she wants to take responsibility for her marriage breaking down and not pin it on me. I can't quite accept that yet but I hope I can get over it in time.

 

What floored me was when she said she has started seeing someone again already - he's 10 years older, different culture, old friend that's never been married and she's told him everything. What I am absolutely struggling with is that she reconnected with him about 1 month after we broke up and she's in love with him already. WTF ?? I mean we had a relationship for close to 2 years and in 1.5 months, she's already found someone she loves more than me.

 

I sat there smiling away when she was telling me this - and even though my head/heart don't hurt as much as the initial days after my break up, I am still incredibly hurt. That's why she's been looking so happy at work.

 

At this point, she also mentioned being friends again, it's like she has a new lover and she can have her friend back and her life is happy again.

 

I am so confused and hurt, angry by her. The other guy is living in a different city but he's already looking for a job in our city so they can be together.

 

I was only worth 1 month to her in the end !! Is that the way I read this ???

 

I always feel a little blown away when I read mm saying this. Are you serious? She gave you 2 years of her life waiting for you. You didn't bother to fight for her even once. When she finally said she couldn't take being as your side piece and that if you loved her, you'd fight for her for a change, you simply.waved her goodbye and threw her two years of waiting and loving you in the trash. Just like that. She wasn't even worth a month to you. And now you play victim because she finally moved on to someone else that treats her with value. My xmm pulled the same line on me. "I see how much I was worth to you. It meant so little that you just moved on." Ridiculous. Maybe she has a chance now of.being with someone that will make her a priority to him.

[blue963]

Seems that some people tend to move from relationship to relationship and make big live changes. Perhaps she is one of these people?

[bconnor]

Re-reading what I wrote and what others have said after a night's semi-sleepless night, I can see I am being incredibly selfish.

 

It's just that the first month was so incredibly painful for me that I thought it was the same for her and that no person in that state could jump into someone else's arms so quickly ?? She told me she still has moments where she thinks of me and cries. I just thought when you are processing your feelings and learning those lessons that it would take longer than a month to be able to fall in love and more so than your relationship that just ended. And it was just such a shock to know that the guy is already looking for a job in our city to be with her.

 

I am trying with my relationship with my wife - it's just going to take a long time and certainly I didn't expect any large changes in affection to my wife within a month since I was hurting so bad.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts and I know I can do more to be happy for her.

Edited January 8, 2014 by bconnor

[Speakingofwhich]

I always feel a little blown away when I read mm saying this. Are you serious? She gave you 2 years of her life waiting for you. You didn't bother to fight for her even once. When she finally said she couldn't take being as your side piece and that if you loved her, you'd fight for her for a change, you simply.waved her goodbye and threw her two years of waiting and loving you in the trash. Just like that. She wasn't even worth a month to you. And now you play victim because she finally moved on to someone else that treats her with value. My xmm pulled the same line on me. "I see how much I was worth to you. It meant so little that you just moved on." Ridiculous. Maybe she has a chance now of.being with someone that will make her a priority to him.

 

^^^^^

This. I have just read your thread. Hadn't followed it earlier.

 

But, want to say that throughout your posts it seemed to me that you were trying to do the right thing while denying your strong feelings for OW and lack of passion for your W and this had you in turmoil. Your actions and emotions were diametrically opposed.

 

Yes, the right thing is to honor your marriage which is what you're trying to do. But, it's not possible to honor your marriage half way. You have to go all the way or it's not honorable.

 

To fully honor it you need to be honest with your wife about OW and about your feelings for your wife. I don't think you're going to have peace until you do that.

 

And you may find when you are honest with her that 1. either she leaves you or 2. her loving acceptance of you and forgiveness of you will open the door to falling in love with her again.

 

Right now you have a chamber in your heart that is locked to your wife. Open it up and let her enter if she wants to. If she does then the two of you may be able to find love together again. If she doesn't then you'll be free to find love somewhere else.

 

But, your wife deserves to know.

 

It seems to me that, given your temperament, you'll never be free of OW in some sense of the word until you open that chamber of your heart and let W enter and OW fly away!

 

It's wonderful that you're in IC! Good for you! I encourage you to stay the course in therapy.