Daughter is too soft hearted for her own good!

[CalamityJane]

Hi all

 

My daughter turned 21 a few weeks ago. She is in a situation that makes me want to throttle her, and I can't seem to make her aware of how unhealthy her circumstances are.

 

As background, she was with the same boyfriend from 14 until 19. He worships her, has a job, a car, etc. After they split up she started seeing Jason, and they moved in together a little over a year ago.

 

Here is the problem. Jason is addicted to video games, and will NOT I repeat *NOT* get a job. He is partially financially dependent on his mother who lives over 2,000 miles away. He calls her when he's out of cigarettes, and she transfers money into his bank account. Jason is 24 years old. She has him on an allowance (I have no idea how much) and she is very, very expectant of my daughter to pick up the slack, i.e., hair cuts, personal items, not to mention the rent and power and everything else. His mom totally enables him to be the way he is, and sees my daughter as his surrogate mother. It's sickening to me. I raised my daughter to be independent, I cannot conceive of a mother teaching their son to be so dependent on someone else!

 

My daughter stopped having feelings for him a long time ago. But his mom has guilt-tripped her into letting him stay and leaching off her income. In the meantime, the ex-boyfriend I mentioned previously is trying very hard to get her to kick Jason out of her apartment. He's serious about her, and he's getting frustrated, too. They are very compatible, and he would have my blessings if they started over again. She gets together with him about once a week or so, she does it behind Jason's back.

 

This is a totally unhealthy situation on so many levels. I have contemplated many recourses, such as going to her apartment while she's at work and kicking Jason out myself. Yeah I know, I can't, obnoxious mother. I take her out to a very nice dinner every other weekend, I've contemplated cutting that out with the explanation I won't anymore until she amends the situation. That seems petty. I have considered calling his mother and setting her straight, but I know I would end up angry and yelling at her, and I don't see how that would ultimately fix things. I have offered to pay Jason's bus fare back to his mother's. Dead end.

 

I've had many stern talks with her, but I'm beginning to think I need to just cut loose of the situation and let her fall flat on her face with this one. It just KILLS me to see her making such blatant mistakes with her life, but I'm thinking I need to just drop it, make peace with it. But I don't know how.

 

What would you do??

[Radu]

 

I've had many stern talks with her, but I'm beginning to think I need to just cut loose of the situation and let her fall flat on her face with this one. It just KILLS me to see her making such blatant mistakes with her life, but I'm thinking I need to just drop it, make peace with it. But I don't know how.

 

What would you do??

 

This has better chances of working tbh.

Just pray she doesn't get pregnant.

 

Have you tried involving her dad ?

[Outsider77]

You're her mom, she may not listen to you no matter what you say. If there is anyone else she might listen to I would involve them and see if they could talk to her as well.

[D-Lish]

Sometimes you have to let people be free to make their own mistakes. It's the best way for people to etch their own path in life.

 

Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions- even if you don't agree with them, and even if they break your heart.

 

It's natural to want to step in and take control, but she's an adult now. She has to come to terms with leaving him.

[d0nnivain]

Instead of telling her what to do, ask her why she does what she's doing.

[turnera]

Does she have a male influence in her life?

[Taramere]

Hi all

 

My daughter turned 21 a few weeks ago. She is in a situation that makes me want to throttle her, and I can't seem to make her aware of how unhealthy her circumstances are.

 

As background, she was with the same boyfriend from 14 until 19. He worships her, has a job, a car, etc. After they split up she started seeing Jason, and they moved in together a little over a year ago.

 

Here is the problem. Jason is addicted to video games, and will NOT I repeat *NOT* get a job. He is partially financially dependent on his mother who lives over 2,000 miles away. He calls her when he's out of cigarettes, and she transfers money into his bank account. Jason is 24 years old. She has him on an allowance (I have no idea how much) and she is very, very expectant of my daughter to pick up the slack, i.e., hair cuts, personal items, not to mention the rent and power and everything else. His mom totally enables him to be the way he is, and sees my daughter as his surrogate mother. It's sickening to me. I raised my daughter to be independent, I cannot conceive of a mother teaching their son to be so dependent on someone else!

 

My daughter stopped having feelings for him a long time ago. But his mom has guilt-tripped her into letting him stay and leaching off her income. In the meantime, the ex-boyfriend I mentioned previously is trying very hard to get her to kick Jason out of her apartment. He's serious about her, and he's getting frustrated, too. They are very compatible, and he would have my blessings if they started over again. She gets together with him about once a week or so, she does it behind Jason's back.

 

This is a totally unhealthy situation on so many levels. I have contemplated many recourses, such as going to her apartment while she's at work and kicking Jason out myself. Yeah I know, I can't, obnoxious mother. I take her out to a very nice dinner every other weekend, I've contemplated cutting that out with the explanation I won't anymore until she amends the situation. That seems petty. I have considered calling his mother and setting her straight, but I know I would end up angry and yelling at her, and I don't see how that would ultimately fix things. I have offered to pay Jason's bus fare back to his mother's. Dead end.

 

I've had many stern talks with her, but I'm beginning to think I need to just cut loose of the situation and let her fall flat on her face with this one. It just KILLS me to see her making such blatant mistakes with her life, but I'm thinking I need to just drop it, make peace with it. But I don't know how.

 

What would you do??

 

I would show her this post, and I'd ask her what she would do in your shoes.

[pteromom]

Forget "stern talks", and talk to her like a friend. She knows you aren't happy with her choices, so she has to be in defensive mode with you, rather than opening up with you.

 

If you have a friend, an aunt, or someone else she respects, maybe she would be willing to talk to them.

 

Also, let her know that you are there to help her out financially if she wants to leave Jason.

 

But... it's her life and her choice how to live it. The only thing you can really do is catch her when she falls.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah "stern talks" are just going to make you seem like a cold, hardass who doesn't get how hard this is going to be for her.

 

She feels obligated to this douche and now you are one more person with an expectation on her.

 

Jason expects her to put up with his crap

Jason's mother expects her to pay for stuff (she says).

Her ex-bf expect her to kick him out

And now you expect her to kick him out too

 

Has anyone asked her what she expects to happen in her own life? Why she continues to support him? How do you know the mother guilted her etc.? Has Jason confirmed that?

 

You've also mentioned cutting out dinner with her etc with no explanation.

 

This is only going to look like: "my mother doesn't want me around because she didn't get her way about controlling my love life. Why can't she just 'be there for me' like a normal Mom."

 

Let her know that you'll help in whatever level is reasonable to remove herself from this situation IF SHE WANTS.

 

She might even be staying in it because she doesn't want to capitulate to anyone outside of it. I've been there.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way. Over the next TWO dinners, don't even mention it. Bite your tongue so hard it bleeds.

 

Then ask her on the third how "things are going" with that. If it isn't a topic of focus or conflict, it's more likely to have some movement.

[CalamityJane]

This has better chances of working tbh.

Just pray she doesn't get pregnant.

 

Have you tried involving her dad ?

 

What do you mean by "tbh"? Yes her dad is aware of the situation, he has not gotten involved with it. To the best of my knowledge he has never talked to her about it, and doesn't seem to even have an opinion.

[CalamityJane]

Instead of telling her what to do, ask her why she does what she's doing.

 

Actually I haven't tried to tell her what to do, I've always told her that if she chooses to stay with Jason, fine, so be it. It's the sneaking around to see her ex once a week that is the biggest issue for me. I've told her several times that one of these days the situation is going to blow up in her face, and a lot of people are going to get their feelings hurt.

 

And, she's doing it out of guilt because of his mother. She feels like she owes her something. His mother calls my daughter more often than her son does, and lays big guilt trips on her. She's getting emotionally bottle-necked over all this.

[CalamityJane]

She feels obligated to this douche and now you are one more person with an expectation on her.

 

Jason expects her to put up with his crap

Jason's mother expects her to pay for stuff (she says).

Her ex-bf expect her to kick him out

And now you expect her to kick him out too

 

Has anyone asked her what she expects to happen in her own life? Why she continues to support him? How do you know the mother guilted her etc.? Has Jason confirmed that?

 

The only 'expectation' I have verbalized to her is to stop seeing her ex while she's living with Jason. I've told her if she stays with Jason then fine, but stop seeing the ex. She refuses.

 

Jason't mom does expect her to pay for things. I have talked with her many times, and she asks me why my daughter hasn't gotten him a hair cut yet, why he still doesn't have new jeans and underwear, etc. When she moved to the east coast she left her dog behind with the intention of having him flown out in a few weeks. My daughter was expected to feed the dog and totally take care of him (including scooping his poop, walks, etc) while Jason sat on the couch bug-eyed playing video games. His mother told me that if she wanted the dog out of her apartment, she would have to pay for his airfare herself! I heard Jason's mom on the cell phone from across the room yelling at my daughter, telling her she was selfish because she didn't want to take care of the dog, and yet would not pay for the airfare herself. I was absolutely livid, but remained silent.

 

She cries when she tells me how much she wants Jason out of her apartment, she just feels very guilty that he doesn't have anywhere to go but his mom's. I am very, very frustrated.

[turnera]

Offer to pay for your daughter's therapy appointments.

[dreamingoftigers]

The only 'expectation' I have verbalized to her is to stop seeing her ex while she's living with Jason. I've told her if she stays with Jason then fine, but stop seeing the ex. She refuses.

 

Jason't mom does expect her to pay for things. I have talked with her many times, and she asks me why my daughter hasn't gotten him a hair cut yet, why he still doesn't have new jeans and underwear, etc. When she moved to the east coast she left her dog behind with the intention of having him flown out in a few weeks. My daughter was expected to feed the dog and totally take care of him (including scooping his poop, walks, etc) while Jason sat on the couch bug-eyed playing video games. His mother told me that if she wanted the dog out of her apartment, she would have to pay for his airfare herself! I heard Jason's mom on the cell phone from across the room yelling at my daughter, telling her she was selfish because she didn't want to take care of the dog, and yet would not pay for the airfare herself. I was absolutely livid, but remained silent.

 

She cries when she tells me how much she wants Jason out of her apartment, she just feels very guilty that he doesn't have anywhere to go but his mom's. I am very, very frustrated.

 

So you've talked to his mother?

Honestly if I heard that over the phone thing, I don't think I could hold my tongue. His mother is actually abusing her from a zillion miles away. That's messed up.

 

God, Jason has a ton of apron strings to cut.

 

I think maybe telling Jason that they are broken up and that she isn't paying for anything anymore because she's in live with ex-bf.

 

Then he can whine and wail but he still has to figure out his own crap. He'll have no expectation of anyone buying him socks and jeans. He might have to *gasp* make his own money.

 

What a bizarre mother-son dynamic.

[CalamityJane]

So you've talked to his mother?

Honestly if I heard that over the phone thing, I don't think I could hold my tongue. His mother is actually abusing her from a zillion miles away. That's messed up.

 

God, Jason has a ton of apron strings to cut.

 

I think maybe telling Jason that they are broken up and that she isn't paying for anything anymore because she's in live with ex-bf.

 

Then he can whine and wail but he still has to figure out his own crap. He'll have no expectation of anyone buying him socks and jeans. He might have to *gasp* make his own money.

 

What a bizarre mother-son dynamic.

 

I agree with you 100%. I really, really want her out of that dysfunctional situation. His mother has gotten under her skin and seems to be willing to put her and Jason's well being before her own. That is NOT healthy.

 

At this point in time she is not in an emotional relationship with him. It is platonic, he's a glorified roommate. She just can't bring herself to kick him out because she feels sorry for him.

 

Kudos to my daughter for one thing ... after Jason is gone (someday, bah!) she doesn't want to move in with the ex. She wants to live by herself for a while to clear her mind, even though he really wants to move in. I have no idea how my independent, self-sufficient daughter wound up with a loser like him. Frustrating.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with you 100%. I really, really want her out of that dysfunctional situation. His mother has gotten under her skin and seems to be willing to put her and Jason's well being before her own. That is NOT healthy.

 

At this point in time she is not in an emotional relationship with him. It is platonic, he's a glorified roommate. She just can't bring herself to kick him out because she feels sorry for him.

 

Kudos to my daughter for one thing ... after Jason is gone (someday, bah!) she doesn't want to move in with the ex. She wants to live by herself for a while to clear her mind, even though he really wants to move in. I have no idea how my independent, self-sufficient daughter wound up with a loser like him. Frustrating.

 

These things happen little by little.

And they can happen to just about any youth who can't see it coming a mile away.

 

You'd be surprised how quickly things can erode if you just leave your vulnerabilities open a crack.

 

I know it's really hard to watch something so emotional trapping happen to your child.

 

In the end she most likely won't be with either at all anyhow. Life moves quick at that age. She has other friends, no?

 

I know it can cross boundaries but as her Mom, if I heard that crapola from Jason's Mom, I would have probably talked to her.

 

Even though your daughter is an adult, shes a young adult and older 'adults' like Jason's Mom clearly know how to be a total manipulative bit*h to a young adult still finding their footing.

 

Either way, she does need your support. Unfortunately it might not be in getting you to locate a locksmith.

[befriendlyplease]

Hi all

 

My daughter turned 21 a few weeks ago. She is in a situation that makes me want to throttle her, and I can't seem to make her aware of how unhealthy her circumstances are.

 

Sorry. I don't think my parents could make me aware of things when I was in my early 20's, but I picked up their wisdom here and there.

 

As background, she was with the same boyfriend from 14 until 19. He worships her, has a job, a car, etc. After they split up she started seeing Jason, and they moved in together a little over a year ago.

 

I think the ex boyfriend situation is way out of bounds for you.

 

Here is the problem. Jason is addicted to video games, and will NOT I repeat *NOT* get a job. He is partially financially dependent on his mother who lives over 2,000 miles away. He calls her when he's out of cigarettes, and she transfers money into his bank account. Jason is 24 years old. She has him on an allowance (I have no idea how much) and she is very, very expectant of my daughter to pick up the slack, i.e., hair cuts, personal items, not to mention the rent and power and everything else. His mom totally enables him to be the way he is, and sees my daughter as his surrogate mother. It's sickening to me. I raised my daughter to be independent, I cannot conceive of a mother teaching their son to be so dependent on someone else!

 

Jason sounds like a loser, but not a villain. I think you're over reacting.

 

My daughter stopped having feelings for him a long time ago. But his mom has guilt-tripped her into letting him stay and leaching off her income. In the meantime, the ex-boyfriend I mentioned previously is trying very hard to get her to kick Jason out of her apartment. He's serious about her, and he's getting frustrated, too. They are very compatible, and he would have my blessings if they started over again. She gets together with him about once a week or so, she does it behind Jason's back.

 

You think. Or she told you. It sounds like she's with both of them right now. That's not exactly being an innocent bystander in the situation.

 

This is a totally unhealthy situation on so many levels. I have contemplated many recourses, such as going to her apartment while she's at work and kicking Jason out myself. Yeah I know, I can't, obnoxious mother. I take her out to a very nice dinner every other weekend, I've contemplated cutting that out with the explanation I won't anymore until she amends the situation. That seems petty. I have considered calling his mother and setting her straight, but I know I would end up angry and yelling at her, and I don't see how that would ultimately fix things. I have offered to pay Jason's bus fare back to his mother's. Dead end.

 

I agree that this is an unhealthy situation. And part of it is how INTENSELY involved her mother is.

 

I've had many stern talks with her, but I'm beginning to think I need to just cut loose of the situation and let her fall flat on her face with this one. It just KILLS me to see her making such blatant mistakes with her life, but I'm thinking I need to just drop it, make peace with it. But I don't know how.

 

What would you do??

 

So, I kind of think you're right, but way too involved in this.

 

I think Jason doesn't sound so great. My guess is that ex-boyfriend isn't perfect either.

 

You're daughter isn't helplessly stuck in this situation, she's actively participating in it. So even if she's making poor choices it's not something you can or should save her from.

 

I believe that it's not easy to just drop it and make peace because of how it feels, but that it's the right thing to do. You can tell her how you feel about the situation and even that you think it will end badly. Then, you should focus on getting yourself uninvolved emotionally and mentally, because that will put you in the best position to actually make any helpful difference.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

What would you do??

 

 

 

If I were you, I would sit back and contemplate how it is that the blame for this is distributed around three individuals {the daughter, the boyfriend, and the boyfriend's mother} and how you remain untouched and unscathed by any of the responsibility.

 

If we analyze the former relationship, we can probably unearth some blame to heap upon the ex-boyfriend too.

 

 

After that, I'd go out and buy a lottery ticket if I were you.

[CalamityJane]

If I were you, I would sit back and contemplate how it is that the blame for this is distributed around three individuals {the daughter, the boyfriend, and the boyfriend's mother} and how you remain untouched and unscathed by any of the responsibility.

 

If we analyze the former relationship, we can probably unearth some blame to heap upon the ex-boyfriend too.

 

 

After that, I'd go out and buy a lottery ticket if I were you.

 

I have never shirked responsibility for mistakes and misdeeds, but I can't think of anything I did or didn't do to help foster her situation. I'm not a perfect mom, but always have done the best I can. Not quite sure where the snarky tone of your post is coming from. I'm just trying to do the best that I can

[CalamityJane]

calamityjane,

 

they are not a reflection on you of not raising her to be independent, so try to remove your ego from the situation.

 

j

 

Ego? I'm not a perfect mom, never claimed to be. I haven't really taken any kind of action with her, other than stern talks, and I haven't even done that for at least 2 or 3 weeks. I'm trying to prepare myself for if/when he's still there a year from now, and she's still seeing her ex every weekend.

 

My dad has been gone for a long time now, but if I was in my daughter's situation at her age, my dad would have gone over and kicked him out himself, putting the fear of God into him. However, I am not my dad, I'm trying to sort out what I believe to be right. It's not easy for me.

[CalamityJane]

 

 

Jason sounds like a loser, but not a villain. I think you're over reacting.

 

I agree that this is an unhealthy situation. And part of it is how INTENSELY involved her mother is.

 

He's not a villain, but I'm not over reacting about how bad her situation is, either. She barely makes enough to cover her own expenses, much less have to buy Jason clothes and haircuts and food and everything else, while he sits zombie-eyed in front of the Playstation. He will NOT do one single thing to help himself, in his mind his only responsibility in life is getting the highest score possible. Period. How am I over reacting to her situation?

 

I'm not intensely involved, I've had a few talks with her and that's about it. I came here to vent and ponder options, rather than going ballistic on her.

Edited December 2, 2013 by CalamityJane

[turnera]

The only thing you can do with her at this age is to stop enabling her. If she chooses this guy, fine. But you will voice your opposition and tell her WHY and then say if she chooses to be with him, it will be without your support. And tell her to look you up when she is done with him.

 

I'm watching this go on with DD23's pregnant friend, who picked a loser bipolar suicidal, abusive idiot who makes (a tiny bit of) money participating in anime card game competitions. They're living with his suicidal drug addict mother who just got out of prison.

 

She's there because her mother said she didn't want her daughter to be with this loser, so of course the daughter HAD to choose him. So the mother cut her off. Told her I'm here to talk if you want to talk, but you're on your own. Unless you want to come back here. By yourself. He is not welcome. It took several months of the daughter blaming the mother for everything, but she is just this week coming back to visit her mother (alone) again.

 

The mother doesn't reach out just to stay in her daughter's life. She is showing integrity by showing the daughter the right way to proceed, but stepping back to let the daughter figure out her own mistakes. Slowly but surely, the daughter is changing, maturing, realizing her mom just may be right.

[CalamityJane]

Thanks Turnera, I think my parenting style is more like your friends, the ol' tough love approach. I just haven't decided when to kick into that mode, considering she's 21 and on her own. I can at least take some consolation knowing her situation isn't as bad as your friends.

[CalamityJane]

 

why do people post their issue in an online discussion forum-- looking for advice-- & then become defensive to any offer of advice that doesn't keep them squarely in the problem position they came to remedy?

 

j

 

I'm open to any advice someone has to offer me. In certain areas of parenting I lack judgment and I'm very much aware of it. If I came across as defensive, my most sincere apologies. I didn't agree with everything the posters above stated (such as my being INTENSELY involved in her situation).

 

I have pretty much decided to ignore her situation to the best of my ability, and will keep out of it unless it escalates into something out of control. That's where I sometimes lack in judgment ... knowing when to step in, and knowing when to leave it alone.