looking4_hope Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 My husband and i have been separated for about 5 months. During the first months of our separation, he addressed the state of our marriage but he rejected the idea of marriage counseling. I was hurt that he didn't want to try and i just felt defeated, however at the end of that conversation he did ask me.. "What should we do? i don't want to dictate what happens" but i felt like none of my ideas were working so i had no choice but to just agree with him. I think he got upset because it wasn't the usual response i'd give him regarding the divorce. I was always the one that cried and begged him to just keep working on the marriage. However, since i was home and around friends and family.. I felt like he can go ahead with the divorce and i'll be fine. I asked him if he was filing for the divorce where he's at and he replies with a "YES" and when i asks when he was filing for the divorce he said "between tomorrow and the end of the year" I was of course heart broken and i remember crying in my room and thinking "tomorrow my marriage can end" I was just devastated. The following weeks he insisted he was going to send my things. First and foremost.. My car. I didn't want him to send my vehicle because a part of me was holding on to hope that maybe he will turn around and that he'd turn around and tell me that he wanted to work on the marriage but nothing. Weeks came and went and i wasn't served papers for the divorce. I ended up shipping the vehicle to my home state with the help of my parents so he didn't have to spend a dime and just use the money on the divorce he was so desperate for. Our communication was very limited. We don't talk on the phone, all we do is text. I'd probably get random texts from him every two weeks or so and they'd be very short lived. Now it's been five months.. and we still haven't "reconciled" but i feel like things are changing but i'm not sure. I wanted to get some of your opinions on it. Before, when i asked him about the divorce, and when he was filing it.. he'd be so quick to answer with something sarcastic like.. "tomorrow" but i still haven't been served. Now, when i recently asked him… he answers with "i guess" and tells me that the has no time to file it and no money and too busy. However, during summer.. he had enough money to send my vehicle home (1900) and enough time to file for the divorce because he didn't have classes then. One surprising text was: He even texted me asking me if i was filing it here in my home state since i've been here for 5 months already. Why would he tell me to file it when it was all his idea? He could've filed it in the state he's living the same week i left to come home! He's also been communicating with me more via texts and asking me questions about how i feel about the divorce like how it's effecting me. When i texted him and i told him i felt "helpless" about the divorce because he didn't want to try any of my suggestions… he replies with "nothing, idk what you want me to say to that" I don't understand why now he cares about what he says when before the separation he didn't care about what he said to me and how it would hurt me. Does it sound like maybe my husband is rethinking the divorce?? Does it sound like he really wants a divorce?? I'm so confused and scared to have hope. I'm trying to communicate with him in a positive way because i still want to work it out with him and maybe we can reconcile and work on our marriage but i just need to see if other people see his recent actions as a positive thing? Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Fluorescent may be right. Although it may not be laziness, it may be that he will feel less guilty if you file rather than if he files. Then it becomes "well you're the one who filed!" Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 This is one of those "sh*t or get off the pot" situations. What exactly are you two waiting for? The way you've been living and "communicating" the past 5 months certainly does nothing to repair a marriage. You're both being immature. Someone make a move! It sounds like he's just too damn lazy and can't make up his mind. I say YOU file and move on with your life! Because right now you both are wasting time and energy when you could be LIVING. Are you in IC? If not, get into it now, please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 21, 2013 Author Share Posted November 21, 2013 Thank you, everyone i appreciate y'all takin' the time to reply to my thread. I have been going to IC since the first week i got home. i knew I'd need it along with my friends and family for support. My IC feels my H has a hard time communicating and his pride is getting in the way of things and i should just hold on a bit longer. My IC feels he's very passive aggressive with his ways. We will see how it goes. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
EllyM Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 There's no need rushing into filing for divorce, if there is any possibility of working things out. However, for your own sanity, you need to detach emotionally from your husband. In your own mind, consider your marriage over, and start getting used to the idea. If he really wanted to stay married to you, he would be trying to get you to come home. He would be showing you he loves you and wants to work on the marriage. I don't want to make you feel worse, but it might actually be worse to have false hope for many more months, only to see those hopes come crashing down if/when he actually does file for divorce. I don't know your story. Is there someone else in the picture - another woman? It's possible he wants to explore another relationship and see where it's going before he makes a decision about staying in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 stop guessing. he maybe reconsidering or just as likely lazy. why not call and ask? why have you not filed? i am tired of holding back the ocean. either come home now or i will [file]. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4_hope Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 I haven't called to ask because… well.. tbh…. it seems he's still angry. Which is also another thing i don't understand-- i gave him the space he wanted and he becomes cold and angry with me. If i had stayed and things got rough... all he would've told me was "you need to go home" that's all he ever said…. but when i finally give him what he wanted and i go home.... i'm being given the cold shoulder. I feel like i'm being punished for doing something he always talked about. Even if i don't want the divorce, I've even offered to file for the divorce here in my home state because he's so "busy" he can't file it there (it's what he wanted right?) and i get the reply "it's up to you." I would've expected him to say "go ahead, how much is it?" but no. Before i left, the way he talked about the D (so adamant and sure) that i would've been divorced the next month… but here i am. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 i assume you are working with IC? their thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 If/when he meets the sort of woman who doesn't abide 'limbo', trust that your divorce will occur in an efficient and timely manner. He sounds like one of those guys who 'bumper cars' through life. What generally happens with these kinds of separations is that people's lives go on and the legal connection is forgotten as new experiences and new relationships occur. Whoever cares the least has the most control. My sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
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