I don't want to be shy anymore

[greenfairie]

I feel like it's part of my nature and who I am but I'm tired of being shy, especially in group situations and in situations where I don't know anyone. I'm great when it comes to close friends and family. but with strangers and especially in classrooms... I find myself wanting to express myself so badly but I can't get words out.

 

How can I get over being so shy?!

[regine_phalange]

Im also a bit shy (family and people I know for years dont count.. at all!). And I prefer small groups of friends over large ones.

 

I always had a relative difficulty of just talking to random people in my classes or strangers. During my bachelor deegree I talked with some people but our chemistry was meh. Sometimes people just don't click much.

 

I was a lot luckier during my msc studies though. I had a great time then. Truth is, some people are more inviting than others. I started with seating my self next to a person who would be on his/her own and I like his/her vibe. After placing my self, conversation would happen most of times (not always though). The next day I would sit next to another lonely person, and invite the one I met the previous day... And so on... Two or three people are always better than one. At the same time each of these people would probably become acquainted with other people, and then you would get to meet them too.

 

Shy is fine, really, as long as you expose your self in things.

[todreaminblue]

what regine said si true exposure i was so shy as a girl...i couldnt speak to my peers there are reasons for that......one day i just decided i would try to get otu and meet people...so i did.....i volunteered at a radio station and the ses,i joined team sports rowing and softball...... i fund raised for an olympic local which involved way out of my comfort zone door knocking.....for sponsors.....i actually got in the paper for most money raised and the most sponsors........not bad for a shy introvert..........went in bikeathons....exposed myself....now that sounds wrong....this is better.....

 

 

 

i gave myself a chance i got exposure by pushing out my boundaries to involve others.........and i found a confidence in me and my ability to converse with people from all backgrounds.....it was always in me...mainly because people warmed to me......i was always goofy.....but i could always make people smile.......and i held onto that....the old grumpy ladies ...that other kids told me to stay away from .....invited me in ...found it hard to leave ......they were sweet...just lonely .......

 

 

so exposure is key ...start off with a hello to someone on a bus, waitign fro a bus, on the sidewalk ...just smile and say hey ...nice day huh...it gets easier......

 

 

i still get shy round certain people .......but i still try to push......even when i feel really unsure ill smile.......normally people always smile back..i have only ever been ignored a couple of times in the street when i say hey.....everybody has a bad day now and again ....so i just smile and say hey to someone else.....dont give up ......try to do it every day, soon it becomes second nature....part of your nature to do it and feel good doing so......best wishes from me to you .....deb

[d0nnivain]

Join a group called ToastMasters. They help with shyness. It's in the context of public speaking but they also work on basic social interaction.

[DrSimple]

The only way to get over being shy is to break your cycle of fear.

 

Shyness is the fear of how others may perceive you if you expressed yourself. The problem is, by being shy the only thing you are protecting is your own ego because if you express yourself you will actually lose nothing.

 

Scenario 1: Be shy, do not interact, no one bothers or thinks of you.

 

You gain nothing in this scenario. You learn nothing.

 

Scenario 2: Express yourself, people disagree, they don't become interested in you.

 

This is the same as scenario 1... You lose NOTHING. All you lost were people that wouldn't be your friends in the first place, so why be afraid of losing that?

 

Scenario 3: Express yourself, people like what you say or engage you in conversation/debate

 

You gain a lot!

 

 

So first think of your shyness as something that is unnecessary. Break your mold by overcoming your fear. It is hard, take baby steps by slowly showing yourself to the world.

[AnyaNova]

The only way to get over being shy is to break your cycle of fear.

 

Shyness is the fear of how others may perceive you if you expressed yourself. The problem is, by being shy the only thing you are protecting is your own ego because if you express yourself you will actually lose nothing.

 

Scenario 1: Be shy, do not interact, no one bothers or thinks of you.

 

You gain nothing in this scenario. You learn nothing.

 

Scenario 2: Express yourself, people disagree, they don't become interested in you.

 

This is the same as scenario 1... You lose NOTHING. All you lost were people that wouldn't be your friends in the first place, so why be afraid of losing that?

 

Scenario 3: Express yourself, people like what you say or engage you in conversation/debate

 

You gain a lot!

 

 

So first think of your shyness as something that is unnecessary. Break your mold by overcoming your fear. It is hard, take baby steps by slowly showing yourself to the world.

 

Please forgive me for being a little confrontational here, but this is spoken like a true non-shy person who has very, very little understanding of the mental worlds of shy people.

 

Not that there is anything untrue about what you say, per se. And someone with just shyness that hasn't gone into full blown social phobia or AvPD, perhaps this kind of light cognitive reordering might be beneficial.

 

But some of us, risked sharing ourselves with others, to be actually attacked either verbally or physically, before we were able to handle the intense emotions such attacks caused.

 

We began to blame ourselves for it, and to assume that we were at fault.

 

What we got by withdrawing was something rare, but priceless indeed, security and being left alone (read here, not shamed and/or hurt by someone else). It does build up into a negative cycle. I know. You seek relief from the anxiety of other people, you get that relief when alone.

 

But, you are alone.

 

For some of us, the problems run deeper than a simple bromide.

 

And shyness, in and of itself (not speaking of the more potent condition that I was referencing above) is not necessarily a bad thing. You need your warrior kings who charge right in, but you also need your watchful advisers, who can pull people aside and keep them from getting between the mother tiger and her cubs.

 

I am not saying that those of us who suffer from more pathological conditions don't need to work on getting well, however, most of the help that we need is best gotten in the hands of a licensed therapist.

 

But, for those of us with more serious rejection fears, telling that we have lost nothing is not actually true. In those situations, if we get publicly rejected, we lose a lot, and we get a whole heaping dose of internal shame.

[DrSimple]

Please forgive me for being a little confrontational here, but this is spoken like a true non-shy person who has very, very little understanding of the mental worlds of shy people.

 

Not that there is anything untrue about what you say, per se. And someone with just shyness that hasn't gone into full blown social phobia or AvPD, perhaps this kind of light cognitive reordering might be beneficial.

 

But some of us, risked sharing ourselves with others, to be actually attacked either verbally or physically, before we were able to handle the intense emotions such attacks caused.

 

We began to blame ourselves for it, and to assume that we were at fault.

 

What we got by withdrawing was something rare, but priceless indeed, security and being left alone (read here, not shamed and/or hurt by someone else). It does build up into a negative cycle. I know. You seek relief from the anxiety of other people, you get that relief when alone.

 

But, you are alone.

 

For some of us, the problems run deeper than a simple bromide.

 

And shyness, in and of itself (not speaking of the more potent condition that I was referencing above) is not necessarily a bad thing. You need your warrior kings who charge right in, but you also need your watchful advisers, who can pull people aside and keep them from getting between the mother tiger and her cubs.

 

I am not saying that those of us who suffer from more pathological conditions don't need to work on getting well, however, most of the help that we need is best gotten in the hands of a licensed therapist.

 

But, for those of us with more serious rejection fears, telling that we have lost nothing is not actually true. In those situations, if we get publicly rejected, we lose a lot, and we get a whole heaping dose of internal shame.

 

I can't argue with what you say, I can only say what I have experienced. For anyone that needs actual licensed help they shouldn't be on the forum but in the hands of a professional.

 

I was a virgin at 22 and had my own hangups. I eventually got through them by doing exactly what my body didn't want me to do. I put myself out there, got rejected more times then I care to remember, but also learned a lot by reflecting on the experiences.

 

Now I am 27 and in the prime of my life because I got there by doing what my body screamed not to do.

[greenfairie]

I've also heard the saying, "Fake it until you make it." but that usually leads to freezing on stage….. How do you prevent from freezing up in front of people!?

[d0nnivain]

I've also heard the saying, "Fake it until you make it." but that usually leads to freezing on stage….. How do you prevent from freezing up in front of people!?

 

You practice. Like anything else, it gets easier the more you do it.

 

Before you can overcome shyness you have to take baby steps. Start small.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you will say hello to a stranger today. Literally. Pick an approachable person at random. Smile & say 'hi'. That's it. Do that for a month or so until you feel more comfortable with it. Work you way up to saying something about the weather.

 

As you have successes with this -- meaning that no one attacks you for smiling or saying hello & this will be the shocker: the world doesn't open & swallow you & you aren't struck by lightening -- it will get easier. Then you can work on the harder stuff.

[ThomasD]

I feel like it's part of my nature and who I am but I'm tired of being shy, especially in group situations and in situations where I don't know anyone. . . .

It's interesting that this manifests itself in different ways. I was never especially afraid of speaking before a decent sized group - as long as it was a topic I was fairly knowledgeable about, but ESPECIALLY if there was something like a lectern or a raised platform between me and all of THEM. In a normal classroom, business conference, or just a dozen casual acquaintances at a party or around a lunch table, I'd clam up seriously.

 

To some extent, I have "overcome" it but at the same time I have accepted that this is part of what makes me, uniquely ME - and I understand the social and cultural consequences that come with it. Public speaking, conversation, and directed discussion techniques can be taught, and I have learned many of them through effort and practice (and occasionally been commended for using them well), but it's still something that I have to think about. I can't imagine it will ever come naturally for me.

[ThomasD]

....i volunteered at a radio station . . .

There's an old joke among radio people about somebody who meets an on-air radio personality and says "Gee - you don't look AT ALL like you do on the radio!".

 

I played around with dorm radio - and eventually a small-time, small-town, commercial station - when I was in college. Tucked away by myself in a studio, behind a microphone, I discovered that I could be a LOT of people that I really wasn't. Not sure it relates very directly to the shyness topic, but it was fun to do.

[ThomasD]

. . . I started with seating my self next to a person who would be on his/her own and I like his/her vibe. After placing my self, conversation would happen most of times (not always though). ... Two or three people are always better than one. At the same time each of these people would probably become acquainted with other people, and then you would get to meet them too.

I did much the same thing when I went from the gender-segregated housing at my undergrad school to the grad student dorm at a new school. Men and women lived on alternating floors but shared a cafeteria and other common facilities. More importantly, the majority of the people in that building were new to the school and the campus, so there weren't too many established circles of friends. At meal times you were pretty much forced to share a 4-seat table with at least one or two other people you hadn't met yet. Thinking back (this was 40 years ago!) I'd say that conversation happened just a little more than half the time, and of those maybe 1 in 3, or 1 in 4 , would be people you'd seek out and join on a subsequent occasion.

 

Shy is fine, really, as long as you expose your self in things.

I think it's more of a trait than a disease. And you can decide what, if anything, you want to do about shyness after you learn about its social and cultural consequences.

[Mr. Nibbles]

Everyone loves getting a compliment. Try to work with that. Say something nice to everyone you see.

[ThomasD]

. . . Scenario 1: Be shy, do not interact, no one bothers or thinks of you.

 

You gain nothing in this scenario. You learn nothing.

 

Scenario 2: Express yourself, people disagree, they don't become interested in you.

 

This is the same as scenario 1... You lose NOTHING. All you lost were people that wouldn't be your friends in the first place, so why be afraid of losing that?

 

Scenario 3: Express yourself, people like what you say or engage you in conversation/debate

 

You gain a lot! . . .

I tend to agree with AnyaNova: You haven't walked in the shoes you're trying to sell.

 

In scenario 1 you can learn a lot, especially if you are naturally observant (or train yourself to be so). In fact, you may actually learn more because you are NOT directly and personally involved in the back-and-forth discussion.

 

In scenario 2 you have at least the perception that you lost - or perhaps actually DID lose - some status and esteem of people who witnessed the encounter.

 

Scenario 3 actually IS profitable, especially if everybody wants that to happen. Shy people may feel - accurately or not - that the effort, and potential vulnerability, of achieving this outcome isn't worth it.

[Shepp]

I've also heard the saying, "Fake it until you make it." but that usually leads to freezing on stage….. How do you prevent from freezing up in front of people!?

 

This is it, this is the advice i'd of given.

 

I've never been shy, I comment on shyness because quite frankly I have no idea what it feels like.

 

I can comment on claustrophobia (bare with me here )...I've never liked small spaces anyway and after I was in a house fire In my very early teens I became very claustrophobic.

 

But I'm a firefighter - day in day out small spaces.

 

The thing is I've never let claustrophobia affect my life. When I make decisions I choose not to factor it in to the decision making process and then once the decisions made I stick with it and deal with the claustrophobia when it comes up.

 

It doesn't mean I don't I feel it, I do, its hard to explain if your not claustrophobic but its like a tightness that grips you from like inside to out.

(That's why I couldn't make myself get in a lift when theirs stairs right next to it, I couldn't do it...if theres no reason for it then I wouldn't do it to myself. But I know I can - be it to do my job or to get my nephews football out from under my uncles house.) but do I mention it to people - hardly ever, most people probably don't even know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to do something then focus on that, pretend your shy and just go do it. Eventually you'll get so good you can convince yourself - you'll still be shy but you'll also be able to base all your decisions 100% not on being shy.

[pink_sugar]

I have been shy most of my life and I'm sad to say I've even been taken advantage of because of it. I've been through a lot that has literally forced me to speak up for myself when necessary, although I am a bit shy sometimes. You'll overcome it eventually, but you have to give yourself challenges in order to overcome it. How old are you? Do you have a job? Getting a job in which deals with the public is a good start.

[Elliotte]

My experience is that you need to find a balance between being introverted, and being social.

 

Put yourself out there, for me it was having a retail job at a grocery store, being able to open up in a small art college where the social pressures weren't nearly as bad as high school, working in a career in which creative collaboration was the job, and hosting parties were ways I would get that much needed social interaction, formed close friendships, met my wife, and helped my career. But despite all that I know I have not "overcome" my shyness, I was a loner in high school, I am often very quiet in business meetings, etc.

 

The balance is that often I enjoy being alone, I love the 'recharge' I get with doing activities by myself, I accept that I am not a huge socialite who goes clubbing all the time or has the overwhelming need to always have people around. Well, the things I just listed come with a "mostly" at the end of each, there are certainly times where solitude is a bummer, that's when I get stressed and push myself to socialize, luckily I have enough good friends that coming up with something to do isn't that much trouble, usually.

 

Read up on what introverts are, it'll help you feel more at ease with being the shy one. We live in a world where extroverts are the majority, and the pressure to be one of them is big! But accepting that you are not wired that way certainly helps relieve some of the stress!

[Mariposa10]

Join a group called ToastMasters. They help with shyness. It's in the context of public speaking but they also work on basic social interaction.

 

Have you attended those workshops?? How was it?