Why blame the other woman?

[Natalie]

Why does the other person in a extramarital affair get the blame for breaking up a marriage? If it's not her or him it, it would be someone else right? If you're married, aren't you supposed to keep your eyes and mind straigth and your pants up?

[whichwayisup]

It takes two to tango.

[tiki]

Shifting the blame makes things less complicated.

[Leaf]

Nat, we are the easy target. The BS cant fathom that their beloved would betray them, thus they, and society blame us...

"The man strayed from his wife... he must have been working too hard.. needed some relief or something... poor thing.. BUT THAT WOMAN KNEW! SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED!"

 

Its a defense mechanism I think. If the BS and everyone else who wanted to render judgement REALLY knew what we are told by the MM/MW... I think they would be stunned.

[Naive]

I think they are both to blame when it comes to immorality but the one who is married is the one to blame for harming his/her spouse.

[Barby]

Why does the other person in a extramarital affair get the blame for breaking up a marriage?

 

Depends on the situation. A lot of times it is less painful for the wife I'm sure, not to mention that the "H" probably says something along the lines of "but honey she just kept after me, I tried to resist her and she wouldn't leave me alone, so finally I gave in" or some lame excuse like that.

 

 

Then again sometimes they blame the "OW" because the "OW" KNOWS he is married and should at least respect HERSELF enough to not allow a "MM" to get her goodies...no matter which way you slice it, the "MM" is at fault for allowing himself to go outside the marriage for pleasure and the "OW" is at fault for participating and aiding in the deception and the affair instead of sending him on his way and finding a single man to become involved with.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by Natalie

Why does the other person in a extramarital affair get the blame for breaking up a marriage? If it's not her or him it, it would be someone else right? If you're married, aren't you supposed to keep your eyes and mind straigth and your pants up?

 

Of course the married cheater should take a helluva lot of the blame, as they're the one who's made the lifetime commitment to their spouse to be loyal, faithful, etc........but that doesn't leave the OW or OM off the hook. It's irrelevant that if it weren't them it would "be somebody else"..........they are still knowingly making the choice to participate in the affair, disrespecting marriage and disrespecting the cheating spouse's innocent spouse.

 

If there weren't any OW or OM out there who were willing to participate in these flings and affairs, there wouldn't be any cheating spouses, would there?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Natalie

Why does the other person in a extramarital affair get the blame for breaking up a marriage? If it's not her or him it, it would be someone else right? If you're married, aren't you supposed to keep your eyes and mind straigth and your pants up?

 

Because no one wants to accept that monogamy isn't an 'automatic' sort of thing in marriages. People just assume that once the rings are on, that the spouse will automatically never be attracted to another person for as long as they live. Once a spouse strays, the OW or OM will pretty much always get the blame for 'luring the faithful spouse' out of an otherwise ironclad marriage.

 

The truth is - marriage isn't some magic button you can push which will negate all other natural human attractions to other people. Monogamy is a 'decision', not a 'given' in a marriage - and some spouses do not make the choices that keep them monogamous. The OW or OM usually just happens to be there when the spouse makes the conscious decision to not be monogamous. The reason the OW or OM catches the flack is because of the basic (mistaken) assumption that the spouse wouldn't have strayed otherwise.

[murasaki]

I agree with most of the responses already given, and will add this: even though a betrayed partner might fully recognize that their partner carries the lion's share of responsibility for the betrayal, the fact remains that the straying partner is loved by the betrayed partner. The OW/OM is not loved, often is not even known, by the betrayed partner. It's much easier to forgive someone you love than to forgive a wrong done specifically to you by a stranger who knew perfectly well what he/she was doing. Even if the wrong committed by the loved one is greater in magnitude than that committed by the stranger, I think most people will be more angry with the stranger's transgression.

 

Moreover, if the betrayed partner wants to reconcile with the straying partner, they will need to see their partner in the best light possible, in order to justify reconciliation. That doesn't diminish their hurt & anger though, which can easily be transferred to the guilty head of the OM/OW. And it makes sense when you think about it, because the OM/OW is an obvious threat to the prospect of reconciliation -- vilifying them completely makes it easier to justify removing them from the picture entirely.

 

When you look at the picture logically, it's not irrational for the betrayed partner to be much more hostile toward the OM/OW than to their straying partner, for the reasons I've just outlined. And the straying partner, if looking for an easy out (and they so often are) might well go right along with the vilification of the OM/OW. Seems to me like being an OM/OW is a good way to find yourself made into a scapegoat for another couple's relationship problems. But just as it's right to point out that the straying partner was involved in the affair -- and in fact bears the brunt of responsibility for hurting their partner -- so you must acknowledge that the straying partner bears the brunt of responsibility for the vilification of the OM/OW.

[HokeyReligions]

Every situation is different, but there are two in the affair and since they each are only in control of their own actions, they each hold responsibility.

 

Not all married people who have an affair are repeat offenders. One woman or man might do as a turn on for the married person, where hundreds of others did not. So he or she shares in the responsibility. Perhaps the Married person did not made a decision to have an affair, and then go looking for someone - perhaps the OM/OW was the right trigger for the decision.

 

Then there ARE spouses who decide to cheat and go looking for someone. Sure, if one person says 'no' another one will say 'yes' and the MM/MW will cheat----but the person they cheat with still holds some responsibility in the matter. They are, after all, the one that said 'yes'.

 

If my husband cheated on me I would want to know why and what about that individual did he decide he had to have, and I would hold her just as responsible.

 

People just assume that once the rings are on, that the spouse will automatically never be attracted to another person for as long as they live

This is certainly a sad commentary! A commitment to monogamy should be made long before the wedding vows are spoken! This was clearly understood in my relationship with my husband long before we were married. It was with every couple I've known.

 

marriage isn't some magic button you can push which will negate all other natural human attractions to other people. Monogamy is a 'decision', not a 'given' in a marriage - and some spouses do not make the choices that keep them monogamous.

It is so naive that some people think like this. People get married - they don't die. It's only natural to find other people attractive. So many people get jealous over this and drive a wedge between them and their spouse. Look, but don't touch. Looking at an attractive face or figure is not infidelity. I wish people would understand and discuss all of this before they make a commitment, and if they can't handle it - then don't commit.

[Adunaphel]

The cheating husband/wife is surely the one to blame the most, but it's normal to get mad also at the other woman/man and to place at least *some* blame on them.

 

Expecially if it was them hitting on the mm/mw in the first place.

Expecially if they were friends of acquaintances of the mm/mw's partner.

 

If the ow/om had no idea they were dating a married/not single person, it's a totally different situation.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

 

 

If the ow/om had no idea they were dating a married/not single person, it's a totally different situation.

 

Yes, I didn't specifiy that in my post. There are women (and men) who date for a long time and even fall in love before they know the person they have fallen for is married. Back in college I had a guy interested in me and we went out once and I found out he was married and I dumped him. When I first moved to Texas I met this guy and went out with him and he told me later that he was in a LDR and had a commitment (engagement) to a girl in another state. I told him where he could get off (on several levels!)

 

If hubby had an affair & I found out the OW did not know he was married & dumped him the second she found out, I would not hold her responsible or place blame on her in any way. She would be as much a victim as me. I'd hold hubby down and let her have the second shot at him!

[blind_otter]

The MM/MW is responsible for the harm they caused their partner. As for the OW/OM - I an see being angry at them, I wouldn't blame them. I would just be pissed that it happened. It would be kind of odd for a woman to be furious at her cheating husband and stay best pals with the woman he had an affair with. It's a territorial thing.

 

For me, I dumped a guy once I found out he was in a LTR with someone, even though I didn't know her. I thought he was an a**h*** for straying without ending the previous relationship. And I am not one to impede on the committment of another by my direct actions.

[Ladyjane14]

I think a good bit of blaming the OM/OW has to do with the fact that while a betrayed spouse and their partner might have problems in their marriage, the OP is someone who is an outsider....and yet inflicts great harm to a person s/he doesn't even know.

 

It's a deliberate pot-shot from out of the blue. For a BS, it's someone who never met you and has no personal issue with you....wrecking your life for their own selfish purposes. Your spouse might have a some internal reason for hurting you, but a stranger that you never committed a personal offense against.......

[Adunaphel]

Ladyjane14, that was very well put.

 

For me it would also be a "I respect other people's relationships, and I expect(yes, *expect*)other people to respect mine" kind of thing.

 

I have luckily never been cheated on but I get quite mad at girls who act in a very flirtatious way with other girls's boyfriends (expecially with *my* bf!)

[Leaf]

well... I am about to step in it...

 

I will only speak for myself here and not all OW/OM.. and every relationship is different.. but...

 

I never thought about her.. and the reason why, is that he acts if she doesnt exist. He always has made me believe that WE are what he wants, that the situation was impossible to get out of at the time. I honestly thought she was going to be out of the picture for good.

 

I have never met her, never talked to her... But I can understand that she hates me. I have no ill-will feelings towards her. My anger goes directly to him as should hers. He continues to betray her and she allows it, and I allow it too. We are all to blame... I would love it if he validated our relationship, I would love it he told her the real truth.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that If your spouse/bf/gf has cheated on you.. THEY DID THIS TO YOU.. no one else has. They werent lured into some den of sin by a siren.. they willingly left your bed/ your heart. Put the blame where it goes. Be pissed the eff off. You have every right to feel angry, furious, ect.. and dont let them off the hook.

[brashgal]

I expect more out of women. Maybe it's because I am one and I believe we are the stronger, more responsible sex. Maybe it's because I have sisters and I believe women should help one another, we should stick together.

 

Old fashioned and naive I guess. I have no respect for a woman who gets involved with a man that she knows is married or attached - she should be above that.

[izzybelle]

leaf -

many times they do get off the hook a little more easily than they should and we're left watching them walk away. i know there are some of those who have cheated, however, from reading on the infidelity boards, who really are beside themselves with guilt for what theydid. and i suppose for some, that's a difficult cross to bear. to know in their hearts that they've perhaps hurt not one, but two people who really loved them.

 

and yes....i did it willingly, i knew he was married and i fell in love anyway. i take my part of the blame for it. in some ways, what hurts the most is knowing that he's probably sat there listening to her bad mouth me and sometimes has agreed. i know he may have to, but that hurts.

 

but in the end, i'm here free to date when i'm ready, and they'll be the ones who have to look at each other every morning remembering what's happened.

[StillHurtin]

I blame both H and the OW for their A. Even though H had filed for a D and we were seperated b4 they actually slept 2gether (as far as he tells me). I guess what pissed me off the most about the OW is that for years she tried to be my friend (her and H worked 2gether and were friends). When H filed for a D and I kicked him out of our home the rumors started that they were messing around. I called her and confronted her. She denied having anything but a friendship w/ H. She told me that H was having doubts about the A and she would talk to him for me. She said she would try and see if she could make him change his mind about the D. She said he was very confused about what he wanted to do. All along she was waiting for the chance to sleep w/ him. After H and I had been back 2gether (he broke it off w/ her) he told me that b4 we were even seperated or he filed for a D she asked him if they could talk. They went riding around in his truck and she told him she had feelings for him and she leaned over and kissed him. He said he pushed her away and said it wasn't right. Well, I think that gave him the green light to go after her. He filed for a D shortly after that and started seeing her. She denied ever having feelings for him but that was all a lie. All along she was trying to be my friend, telling me she would talk H out of the D and all along she was trying to get down his pants. Talk about stabbing someone in the back. I guess that is why I can't stand her and put a lot of the blame on her. She was confusing dh's judgement by flirting and hitting on him.

[izzybelle]

StillHurtin,

i can see why you place a great deal of blame on her. in my situation, i place at least some of the blame on my MMs wife. and i'm not justifying his reason for having an affair but she had told him for years that she hated the sight of him and that their marriage was over. whether he took that as permission to cheat or it just pushed him into it, it happened. he sincerely thought that his marriage would be over this past summer. the marriage still may be over eventually, who knows, but if she continues on the same path using the same words, i hope for his sake and hers, he has the courage to walk away on his own this time.

[Leaf]

OMG Izz... Why didnt he leave her?

[izzybelle]

good question.... my best guess is that since his son is in a prep school that he has to do well in so he can get into where he wants to be next year, he'd forever blame himself if the divorce screwed things up. the original plan was that his son was going straight to his "final destination" after high school but that wasn't the way it worked out. at the beginning of his and my "end" he said that his W had asked him to "hang in there" for one more year. well that's up next summer and i'll be curious to see if she kicks him out the door at that point. if i'm still available we'll see what happens but i have no intention of wasting the rest of the time waiting and wondering. we've talked about it and he doesn't expect me to wait. and who knows, next year it may be a different excuse.

 

no football friends tonight leaf?

[StillHurtin]

Ya know Izz, I said similar things to my own H also. They were awful things to say and I shouldn't of done it but b4 the A we didn't have a good marriage. He was verbally abusive. He was always gone partying w/ friends or playing sports b/c he refused to grow up and become a husband and a father. We fought about it all the time and then the names started. So many times I wanted to leave but was scared to raise our children alone, scared to be alone, living off one income, ect. He made me so angry w/ the things he said. I couldn't take it anymore. If he was going to say hurtful things to me then I was going to say them back and I know now (went to counseling myself) that it was wrong, I should of walked away or told him I wasn't going to talk to him if he was going to talk to me that way. I don't recall ever say I hated seeing the sight of him, but I did tell him that the marriage was over and I wanted a D.

 

A part of me still loved him but I was sick of his verbal abuse. I had so many doubts about taking him back when he came crawling back to me. In fact, at first I wasn't going to take him back. For several weeks I told him no. He kept calling several times a day begging me saying how sorry he was, blah, blah, blah. I told him I was willing to work on the marriage if he went to counseling for his anger, which he did. We were seperated for about 6 months b4 he moved in w/ me (I moved away back to my hometown). If things go back to the way they were I will file for a D. I am not scared anymore. I lived alone for 6 months, I can do it again. I know that I will find someone that will treat me the way a woman should be treated.

 

I know that was one of the reasons he went to the OW b/c of the way the marriage was. If the stupid idiot would of treated me better I wouldn't of been such a bitch. If anyone should of went outside of the marriage it should of been me (even though I wouldn't of done it).

[Leaf]

Meh.. i am trying to watch it...trying...

 

You? You watching?

[izzybelle]

still,

 

i'm glad you've found the self-confidence and courage to stand on your own. it's a hard thing to do. i stayed in a bad (not as bad as yours) marriage for a lot longer than i should have. we each have our own breaking point. i too, was afraid to raise my kids on my own. we share custody but when they're with me, i'm very much on my own because my ex drops out of sight. but it's now been 3 years and as far as my life with my kids, it's better than i ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams!

 

as for my MM, the last time we talked, i asked him if he and his wife were in counseling. they're not. i know for years the anger was on both of their parts, but i know when she found out about me most of what he said he did was just let her rant. i'm sure he felt she had reason to. i think there are many, many problems with their marriage and the A was just one of the unfortunate side-effects. however, he says they're just working through their problems on their own. they've been down this road before and didn't quite get it "fixed" the first time, so we'll see if they can manage. so... that's their choice and on my better days, i hope they work things out. other days, i hope that one of the actually someday has the courage to leave so they can both be happy someday!

 

i wish you well and that you continue to have the strength to stand up for yourself when you need it. i know it's not easy, but dang it's a good feeling!