izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 leaf, yes i'm watching! i'm glad you're trying to watch! Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by izzybelle still, i'm glad you've found the self-confidence and courage to stand on your own. it's a hard thing to do. i stayed in a bad (not as bad as yours) marriage for a lot longer than i should have. we each have our own breaking point. i too, was afraid to raise my kids on my own. we share custody but when they're with me, i'm very much on my own because my ex drops out of sight. but it's now been 3 years and as far as my life with my kids, it's better than i ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams! as for my MM, the last time we talked, i asked him if he and his wife were in counseling. they're not. i know for years the anger was on both of their parts, but i know when she found out about me most of what he said he did was just let her rant. i'm sure he felt she had reason to. i think there are many, many problems with their marriage and the A was just one of the unfortunate side-effects. however, he says they're just working through their problems on their own. they've been down this road before and didn't quite get it "fixed" the first time, so we'll see if they can manage. so... that's their choice and on my better days, i hope they work things out. other days, i hope that one of the actually someday has the courage to leave so they can both be happy someday! i wish you well and that you continue to have the strength to stand up for yourself when you need it. i know it's not easy, but dang it's a good feeling! Thank you izzy for the kind words. I never thought I could make it on my own and dreaded being on my own when H said he wanted out of the marriage. It was he!!. I cried, couldn't eat, was sick to my stomach, lost weight, it was the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone (well, except for the OW of course). Sometimes I wonder if this A was a blessing. Could it be possible that an A could actually be a blessing? To me in away I feel it was. I was in a job I hated. It was a stressful job and I wanted so much to get out of it. I missed being near my family and when I went to visit them and had that long drive back home I wished that I had lived closer. When he had the A my family stood by me and moved me back to my hometown to be near them for support (and I got a lot). A few months after I moved back I found a job that I love. I got a home in the country where I have wanted to live. My dreams were coming true. The only thing that was missing was being happily married. My family tried setting me up w/ single guys, even and ex BF but I still loved dh and I just couldn't bring myself to start dating again. Dh still worked w/ the OW and I told him I will never move back to that town again and I hated it that he still worked w/ her. He showed me copies of IM's that she sent him and from those I could see that she wasn't ready to let go of him. Luckily, a few months later she got him fired (a long story). I couldn't help but be thankful to her for doing that. Even though he took a big pay cut getting fired from his job and having to find another one it was the best thing. I feel things happen for a reason. I don't believe God made this A happen, I believe He allowed it to happen for a reason. Sometimes I want to write or call the OW and thank her but I will never do that. I wish you the best and happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 still, i remember parts of your story from before...and my heart goes out to you for hanging in there. as a cancer survivor there was a phrase i heard over and over again and came to hate but it does have a lot of truth to it... whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. while i'm not a religious person i do believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes the reasons just aren't obvious and we end up questioning why something so bad could happen to us. whether we do it to ourselves or our pain is caused by others once we are able to see through it, we often find the reason. we still may not like it, but we may understand why it happened. i'm still trying to find the good that came from my relationship with my MM, but i will say, right or wrong, i felt a love from him and for him that i will never forget. i will move on with my life and he will move on with his, but in many ways i will always be thankful that even for a brief period of time i experienced something that was remarkable. of course the down side to that is that the bar is now set pretty high for anyone who will be in my life in the future take care! izzy Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I think it's assumed that the OW gets involved with the MM because she loves him and wants to break up the marriage in order to be with him. Well, I wonder how many women get involved with MM for reasons other than love, such as, they just want a fling. It's hard to believe that all OW are out to break up marriages and create an explosive drama. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by SixthSt.Girl I think it's assumed that the OW gets involved with the MM because she loves him and wants to break up the marriage in order to be with him. Well, I wonder how many women get involved with MM for reasons other than love, such as, they just want a fling. It's hard to believe that all OW are out to break up marriages and create an explosive drama. I don't think all OW are out to fall in love w/ a MM to break up the marriage, but in the situation w/ the OW in my H's life she didn't care if a marriage broke up b/c of her A's w/ MM. Her A w/ my H wasn't the first for her, and I am sure she has been involved w/ MM in the past. When I confronted her about the rumors of her and my H having an A (which turned out to be true) she said that she went on a date and slept w/ another co-worker that was separated from his W. The W thought that she was out to break up their M. She said she wasn't b/c she became pg w/ another man's baby and was going to marry him (the man she was married to when she had an A w/ my H). She told me that she can't walk into a store w/o some woman glaring at her thinking she was trying to take her H away from her. She laughed about it. The OW has no morals. She doesn't care who she hurts as long as she is happy. She flat out told me that she doesn't care if a man is a MM, if she is interested in him she would flirt w/ him. Her flirting wasn't just verbal, she would grab men's crothches, stroke their legs, ect. She is a WHORE! Needless to say she doesn't have many female friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I reckon the reason OW catch much of the blame is because most OW covet more than the MM, they also covet the BS's lifestyle (money, social status, home, etc.) though they are loathe to admit this. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I reckon the reason OW catch much of the blame is because most OW covet more than the MM, they also covet the BS's lifestyle (money, social status, home, etc.) though they are loathe to admit this. i'm sure there are some out there like that but that sounds like we're making the assumption that only rich, well established men have affairs. i don't know if that's true or not, but i doubt it. my exH will someday inherit a sizeable amount of money, and i already had the social status and a 2700 sq ft. beautiful home. i gave all that up. i loved my MM. he could have been poor and he still would have been the same person. it wouldn't have mattered. oddly, his W was convinced that he was helping me out financially and that i'd gone on a number of trips with him. i hadn't. she also thought he was providing for me and my kids and paying part of our expenses. he wasn't and she had nothing that would have led her to believe any of those things. but you may be right that this is a common misperception by some as to what the OWs covet. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Whatever!!!!!!! I make more $ and have more "stuff" than the MM. I covet nothing that woman has... as far as I am concerned.. she can have him. She can take him and all of his whiney bull****. She 'wins'.. I quit. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 leaf- did you talk to him today? did something else happen or are you just really getting sick of being on the roller coaster? izzy Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by Natalie Why blame the other woman? Because it's easier. Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 [color=blue]Whatever!!!!!!! I make more $ and have more "stuff" than the MM. I covet nothing that woman has... as far as I am concerned.. she can have him. She can take him and all of his whiney bull****. She 'wins'.. I quit.[/color] Wow, I obviously missed out on this whole episode - sorry about your luck, Leaf. As far as the $$$, I could never get involved with anyone just for that, esp. a married man, although it's very nice and I'm in need of it now. Money alone isn't worth much - I'm not into the Sugar Daddy fantasies. Attraction or love would be the only things that would lead me to have a relationship with a MM, or any man for that matter. Yeah, the poor secretary sleeping with the rich, dirty, old boss stereotype is overplayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Both.. I am sick of this roller coaster and I want off of it. I did talk to him today for about 10 minutes.. Just long enough for him to use me as his emotional support system.. "My job sucks.. I am so frustrated.." Then he asked me how my day was.. I said "it was fi..." Only to be interrupted by "Oh babe.. 53,000 are dead in asia from the Tsunamis.. that is horrible.." Then.. he tells me that everyone has the week off or has half days this week soooo.. He doesnt think he can spend much time with me. Then he said he had to go... I just said. "Whatever." he has the nads to go... 'Oh great, now you are pissed because of something i have no control over." I said.. "you have all the control, you just dont see it that way." I said "later" and that was it. ya, I am gonna continue to wait around for you, you stupid stupid man! Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 stick to it leaf and be strong, you can make it through it! i know it's hard, i still have moments of weakness when i call or email and probably will for a while yet. but i do feel the coaster slowing down. sadly, the ride isn't quite over yet! and i've always loved roller coasters...funny i think the next time i ride one it won't be quite the same! Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 You are so sweet. Thank you. I told him I was just gonna do my own thing this week. We'll see how much ignoring he will take before he freaks out. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Change your way of thinking. Instead of We'll see how much ignoring he will take before he freaks out. Why don't you put YOU in the drivers seat. how much more are you willing to take? Link to post Share on other sites
lady Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 ok my 2 cents for what it is worth. I for one blame the cheating spouse. BUT there are those very insane moments when I want to take the OW off the face of the earth. No ultiamtely it was not his/her fault, but if he/she knew before hand he/she was married then are they not to blame for their part in the affair. Because no matter how you slice it if he kept his stiff d**k in his pants and she kept her legs together then it would not have happened. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 he has the nads to go... 'Oh great, now you are pissed because of something i have no control over." I said.. "you have all the control, you just dont see it that way." OK you have the control now. You decide when you both talk, see eachother. Don't give him that power over you. I bet it is hard to say no but saying no once in a while and not putting him first all the time will make jingle his head abit. He doesn't put you first and he seems to not really be too interested in how YOU are or what YOU need. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Thanks WWIU, I am doing that today. Trying to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 The dirty little secret is that almost every sexually healthy woman is potentially an OW given the right mix of factors. While demonizing the OW makes for fun reading, and definitely allows the critic to feel good about his/herself, your typical OW is your sister, mother, best friend, neighbor, senator, and need I say it, sometimes your own wife. (I copied and edited this from something Immoralist wrote...I cannot accept credit.) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara The dirty little secret is that almost every sexually healthy woman is potentially an OW given the right mix of factors. While demonizing the OW makes for fun reading, and definitely allows the critic to feel good about his/herself, your typical OW is your sister, mother, best friend, neighbor, senator, and need I say it, sometimes your own wife. (I copied and edited this from something Immoralist wrote...I cannot accept credit.) I don't necessarily agree with this. I've been in a position to be an OW and I flipped out and told the guy he was complete and utter trash. Ok, I went overboard and told him he was a waste of oxygen, but whatever. I couldn't ever, in good conscience, be an OW. I would think constantly about how my actions affected this other person's life, well being, emotional stability, faith in the goodness of people, trust in members of their own sex. Some people are so bound by guilt that they can't knowingly hurt someone that badly, even someone they know nothing about. I've been in bad relationships. I'm sure my ex has a f*ck ton of **** to say about me. But does that mean I am an evil harpy? not necessarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Yes, it is true that almost every sexuallyhealthy woman is potentially an OW just as it is true that any man with a dick can be a MM. The quote doesn't really say anything - except it could be anyone. However, what the quote fails to do is mention that even though anyone COULD be a OW/OM, it is a CHOICE to be an OW/OM. Don't forget that people CAN and DO control their own actions - no matter if it is the right mix of factors. Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I think the OW gets blamed for the same reason that women are the ones truly responsible for birth control. Eons of society have given men a standard excuse...they couldn't help themselves. And women, for whatever reason, are supposed to have more self-control than that. Fair, no. Accurate, yes. And in the end, looking at the situation the question has to be...Who was the person that actually did the persuing. If only the man asked, he is responsible. If only the woman asked, then she is responsible. But if they both took turns asking then they should both bear the responsiblity equally. And to be honest, the both the husband and the wife bear responsibilty for not communciating and resolving problems in the marriage openly. An affair, as I've said before, is a symptom that there is a problem in the marriage. So I think that the married person in an affair is doubly responsible...responsible for their lack of self control and committment to avoid temptation, and responsible for not facing the problems in the marriage and communicating with their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Monkeyonmyback Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Your right it does take 2 to tango, and if the other women knows he is married or has a spouse then she is just as much to blame, however if she didnt know...then how can you blame her. Link to post Share on other sites
veronese Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 I don't think the OW do get blamed. They seem to automatically think that when the wives give them a piece of their minds it means they are blaming them. Well I honestly think that you will never understand that we don't REALLY blame you. We blame our other halves and it will be them who actually live with the consequences. It's human nature to loathe your competitor though isn't it? Especially when so much is at stake? From the things I have read on this forum the OW are just as prone to displays of mela-drama as the wives. Being such sensitive creatures surely OW should have no difficulty imagining how the wives feel in the same position? Given time I believe a lot of wives get their heads round how OW feel in the situation - but OW appear to completely miss the wives' points. We don't blame you - we just hate your bloody guts!! Ha Ha (It was a joke, I knew you wouldn't get it!) Link to post Share on other sites
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