For People who begged and Pleaded

[Vinsanity1307]

Ok so this is for everyone who has begged and pleaded for their exes after being dumped. I may get heat for some of this but just want to explain that begging and pleading isnt the worst thing. It may be a little long read but I feel I want to share it with you. To get a better understanding of my point of this thread here is my original story about me and my ex (you can read it or not). Ill summarize a little bit in the thread though.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

 

So hoping you know my story now. The second time around after all the stuff my ex put me through the first 2 years (when engaged and officially together; horrible horrible things) she dumped me when I bent over backwards for her and her kids during the first two years. I did the begging and pleading and buying her stuff while she was doing god knows what with whoever when she dumped me(not confirmed but yeah). She came back after 10 days of no contact (1 month post BU). Unfortunately she was still the same mean person in the relationship. So after 2 months back I told her I couldnt be with her anymore. Then it was a 360 on her behalf.

 

She did the begging and pleading (On her hands knees, crying everything) I was resentful of her realizing the hell she had put me through for two years and her breaking up with me for no reason. But you know what I couldnt stand to see her begging and pleading. No matter how angry I was, and hurt, and guarded. I knew I loved her. I told her we can date but she would have to earn my trust back and it was going to take work and time and she was going to have to show me. Over the next 2 years I was very guarded and insensitive at times but she continued to show me the change(even in all holiday cards she would end them with swearing she will show me for the rest of her life that she is sorry and will make it up to me). And there were times I couldnt even stand her touching me remembering that stuff she did to me but I was patient, and we continued to play the couple part.(seeing each other everyday in our spare time really playing the husband and wife part) We would have a few serious fights a year. And she did the begging and pleading, writing notes when I said enough at times (I even remember one time one night where I came back from the gym while she was at my apartment. And the fight continued I said that was it and said she better be gone for good when I get out the shower. She then jumps in the shower nude and begs and pleads and again I couldnt stand to see her like that, so I continued to give it a chance.

 

Eventually the resentment and everything passed. I was over it. She was still here after two years trying and showing me she changed. She gained everything back. And everything was good, but then unfortunately she breaks up with me few months later. Figures when I let my guard down and was over it.

 

Although this isnt a happy ending for me my point to this all is dont feel bad about the begging and pleading. Yes we are human people make mistakes. Some cant be forgiven I know, but if your ex or you really love each other the begging and pleading will matter. You wont be able to stand it to see someone you love in this pain. If you love someone and do this for them or they do it to you it just shows how important you mean to them or they mean to you. I know I will get heat for it but its not the worst thing. Some may think or say that maybe cause I did the begging and pleading before and I experienced it is the reason I was more sensitive and compassionate to it but thats not true I knew I loved her, and that connection, and chemistry was worth the patience in my eyes) When my ex dumped me 4 months ago she had no compassion. She was cold as ice and mean and she experienced the hurt and everything before so please put out that theory.

 

I am no where near over my ex I love her, still struggle almost daily, and think of her constantly even though she hurt me twice! I cry alot (which I admit) and still long for her). I just wanted to shed some light on the begging and pleading. If the person really cares in my opinion and loves you they wont be able to stand the sight of you going through it. Cause thats how I felt. The real test of love and a relationship is getting through the trouble the rough times, showing patience. Not leaving when the honeymoon phase is over or the spark goes low, or is even temporary gone. Cause this all happened to me but I worked through it for my ex even though I wasn't worth it to her. Seeing she left when she got her life together, and things were a little rough in my life. I know there are other people out there that will feel this way too as I did in my situation. Im not the only one. hope it helps a little

[xUnknown]

I am no where near over my ex I love her, still struggle almost daily, and think of her constantly even though she hurt me twice! I cry alot (which I admit) and still long for her). I just wanted to shed some light on the begging and pleading. If the person really cares in my opinion and loves you they wont be able to stand the sight of you going through it. Cause thats how I felt. The real test of love and a relationship is getting through the trouble the rough times, showing patience. Not leaving when the honeymoon phase is over or the spark goes low, or is even temporary gone. Cause this all happened to me but I worked through it for my ex even though I wasn't worth it to her. Seeing she left when she got her life together, and things were a little rough in my life. I know there are other people out there that will feel this way too as I did in my situation. Im not the only one. hope it helps a little

I hear ya on that Vin. I still struggle, but I'm around the 2 month mark...so I knew I had it coming. My ex too left me when things got rough. Perhaps she was looking for a way out?? I don't know. I tried to keep my dignity and not beg and plead, which I did, but sometimes I wish I had to maybe "fight" for her more. Idk. But you're not alone. Guys like us who put up with women like our exs, show them how much we care, do all the great things that most guys now a days would never do are the ones who will fall in love, find the right person and life a long happy marriage.

 

It sounds to me like your ex (as well as mine), were playing a little game of cat and mouse. We started physically, so as soon as I got that emotional side of her, she started pulling away (therapy helped me realize that). Much like with your ex, she finally knew she had you, and started distancing herself and ended it.

[redshift]

My ex and I were together for 5 years straight and she dumped me one day out of the blue. She was such a different person, mean and spiteful. I didn't beg for anything but a reason, and she gave me excuses but no true reason why we couldn't be together. If she ever tries to come back, I don't know what I'll do, on days where I can almost smile, I'd say f**k off, but on the days that I remember our love, I know I couldn't be that mean. How could I take her back if she could do this even once? I don't even know if I'll be able to trust anyone would stay after the 180 she pulled. I'm not sure whether she deserves forgiveness for the pain I've endured

[redshift]

Much like with your ex, she finally knew she had you, and started distancing herself and ended it.

 

QFT

 

My ex fiancee waited for 5 years and until I spent the last of my money to move to her and that 5 years included a 4 year LDR.

[sun1972]

QFT

 

My ex fiancee waited for 5 years and until I spent the last of my money to move to her and that 5 years included a 4 year LDR.

 

ouch...that is my fear as ive split recently..and have basically been told if u relocate then we can try again.

[Shaine]

My ex was head over heels inlove with me before. I was more important to him than his life or family.

 

We had a fight and i broke up with him but apologized after 2 days. He wont take me back. I begged, pleaded, apologized, made many promises but he wont take me back.

 

He was rude and spiteful. He deliberately wants to hurt me, he seems to be enjoying i was hurting. I begged for 3 days. And that just pushed him away.

[ks0985]

Why would you ever have to beg and plead for someone to stay with you? Have some respect for yourself dude. My opinion is if s girl breaks up with me she better be the one begging and pleading for me to take her back. Plenty of other women out there and you gifts have respect for yourself because if you don't no one else will.

[ponchsox]

Dude, grow a pair!

[Haydn]

Vinsainty, they are right. Its so ......hard but you have to do it. I am with you in the pain. but stop now mate.

[me85]

I agree with what you're saying.

 

Look, love makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. FACT.

 

I am a very smart, very rational person with confidence and a lot of pride but I'm absolutely shameless when it comes to winning back the love of my life (AKA my ex.) What can I say? I'm a true romantic. Bite me! lol

 

I miss him everyday. I still text him. He is showing concern for me and is even trying to help me (from a distance) get through what I think may be a nervous BD.

 

He always tells me he doesn't deserve my love and he's always been in such disbelief that I love & care for him so much. He's always asking how he got so lucky to have me & my love.

 

Truth is, everyone on this forum is giving their OPINIONS. No one knows what anybody's real motives are. We're not fortune tellers. We don't know the people, we really don't know anything for sure. Not saying advice on here is not helpful and useful and even DEAD ON at times but it's all opinionated.

 

I'm not too proud to beg for someone I need in my life who has been my everything for 3 years. Please. My RS was a lot like a marriage. We lived together. Did everything together. Made decisions together...

You don't just give up on something like that. Or at least I won't.

Edited November 20, 2013 by me85

[me85]

I did begging and pleading. I even talked to my ex's mom on facebook. A couple weeks ago I realized what was I thinking? A couple days ago I sent a message to his mom apologizing for my behavior. I actually deleted facebook after that as it has ruined relationships. I still have avoided my ex like the plague. But I felt like I had to send a message to his mom so she knows that I have grown and was sincere. My ex has PTSD written all over it. My therapist said we do the begging and pleading since we were emotional (not our selves). How the SO acted towards us is more emotion. I found that to be good that I wasn't the only one to feel like that and that coming from a professional.

 

 

My ex actually asked his mother to pay for my therapy! So I accepted.

 

My ex is being very very kind to me and I think he feels super guilty because he knows I don't deserve to be broken up with and that he is making a big mistake.

 

Idk...it may or may not be the right thing letting her help me but she loves me and wants too. So, I accepted because I don't have the $ & I really need to talk to a professional about life in general & I also want a therapist to teach me that love is not leaving someone behind. I make excuses for my ex at times because MAYBE a person CAN be confused and just needs time to figure out what they want...? I need a biased professional to get me through.

Edited November 20, 2013 by me85

[Jules78]

I agree with what you're saying.

 

Look, love makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. FACT.

 

I am a very smart, very rational person with confidence and a lot of pride but I'm absolutely shameless when it comes to winning back the love of my life (AKA my ex.) What can I say? I'm a true romantic. Bite me! lol

 

I miss him everyday. I still text him. He is showing concern for me and is even trying to help me (from a distance) get through what I think may be a nervous BD.

 

He always tells me he doesn't deserve my love and he's always been in such disbelief that I love & care for him so much. He's always asking how he got so lucky to have me & my love.

 

Truth is, everyone on this forum is giving their OPINIONS. No one knows what anybody's real motives are. We're not fortune tellers. We don't know the people, we really don't know anything for sure. Not saying advice on here is not helpful and useful and even DEAD ON at times but it's all opinionated.

 

I'm not too proud to beg for someone I need in my life who has been my everything for 3 years. Please. My RS was a lot like a marriage. We lived together. Did everything together. Made decisions together...

You don't just give up on something like that. Or at least I won't.

 

I'm glad you said this because I was beginning to think I was crazy. Well I am little maybe. I want to tell my ex some things but am afraid to. I think I need to accept the fact that he won't respond before I plan to send. But maybe he will? ugh.

[Simon Phoenix]

My ex actually asked his mother to pay for my therapy! So I accepted.

 

My ex is being very very kind to me and I think he feels super guilty because he knows I don't deserve to be broken up with and that he is making a big mistake.

 

Idk...it may or may not be the right thing letting her help me but she loves me and wants too. So, I accepted because I don't have the $ & I really need to talk to a professional about life in general & I also want a therapist to teach me that love is not leaving someone behind. I make excuses for my ex at times because MAYBE a person CAN be confused and just needs time to figure out what they want...? I need a biased professional to get me through.

 

It's absolutely the wrong thing. And a therapist will not tell you to hold on to something that is broken. I'm sorry, if you really want your therapist to tell you a certain thing, a thing that is almost certainly harmful to your well being, your ex's mom is throwing money away that she shouldn't be spending in the first place.

 

And no, you should never have to beg for someone to love you. You should want someone to love you without you begging, pleading, and trying to manipulate them. You want someone who wants to love you on their own, not someone who pretends to love you because they feel sorry for you or because you tricked them into doing so.

 

I realize you are hurting, but your mindset right now is awful.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[organizedchaos]

You want your ex to take pity on you and continue to perpetuate a relationship where she feels nothing, to make you feel better?

 

Dude...what kind of relationship is that??

 

A one sided relationship, that's for sure.

[xUnknown]

QFT

 

 

QFT? Sorry, don't know that one.

[Never Again]

QFT? Sorry, don't know that one.

 

Quoted for truth.

[Vinsanity1307]

Where is that coming from to pity me? My point in this thread is begging and pleading isnt the worst thing and may help sometimes. My ex begged and pleaded and it broke my heart and I couldnt stand to see her in that state..No matter how angry I was at the past. I gave it time..To me that shows I meant something to her. After a 5 year relationship love doesn't just disappear I dont care what anyone says. So many people just give up when "the spark" isnt there at a certain point or when things get rough for the other or both. And that is when "I just dont love you anymore" BS is said or whatever dumb reason. So this is when they bail. But this is when the work has to be put in. For people say where is your pride and dignity when I have begged. Its there....Its not like I am going and begging and pleading with everyone who has ever hurt me, or did me wrong. No matter what when you fall in love there was something there with that person that wasnt there with anyone else. And in my opinion its sometimes worth fighting for. Obviously this shouldnt be the case in some scenarios where significant other cheats once or numerous times and the the person that got cheated on should beg and plead. Im just saying sometimes it can help which it did when my ex did it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Where is that coming from to pity me? My point in this thread is begging and pleading isnt the worst thing and may help sometimes. My ex begged and pleaded and it broke my heart and I couldnt stand to see her in that state..No matter how angry I was at the past. I gave it time..To me that shows I meant something to her. After a 5 year relationship love doesn't just disappear I dont care what anyone says. So many people just give up when "the spark" isnt there at a certain point or when things get rough for the other or both. And that is when "I just dont love you anymore" BS is said or whatever dumb reason. So this is when they bail. But this is when the work has to be put in. For people say where is your pride and dignity when I have begged. Its there....Its not like I am going and begging and pleading with everyone who has ever hurt me, or did me wrong. No matter what when you fall in love there was something there and in my opinion its sometimes worth fighting for. Obviously this shouldnt be the case in some scenarios where significant other cheats once or numerous times and the the person that got cheated on should beg and plead. Im just saying sometimes it can help which it did when my ex did it.

 

How did it help? You took her back because you felt sorry for her against your better judgment, got hooked again and then were devastated when she threw you to the side. You should never beg someone to give you a chance, ever, ever, ever.

 

You would have been a lot better served to have let sleeping dogs lie for a while and move forward a bit before even considering such a move.

 

Work has to be put in during the relationship. Not after it's broken.

[sambo77]

Well Vin and Me85...your posts have really made me think (which is never a bad thing)...you raise such an important point Vin. Thanks.

 

The way I see it, we come into this world DESPERATE to be "loved" and as babies we are LITERALLY screaming the rooftops down in order to find someone (hopefully it'll be our parents) on this godawful planet who'll scoop us up, take away our fear, and make us feel like we matter. Just enough love to distract us from the pointlessness of life...that oughta do it.

 

In all honesty, that doesn't much change over the course of our lives. We're all, deep down, still desperate to be loved, scooped up, comforted, to feel like we matter. Only difference is that we've learned it "ain't the done thing" to show someone you'd like them to love you in the same way you did as a kid.

 

Apparently...it scares people off.

 

Apparently...it makes you that needy little child you were when you came into the world (actually, you still are, you just can't admit it or show it and you have to tone it down dramatically in the period of life between 18-death...it's one of those "unwritten rules").

 

Apparently...it makes you "undesirable" to the other person because it seems they were also hoping you'd scoop them up like a little kid (and how can you if YOU'RE asking them to scoop YOU up?!)

 

In the end, clearly, you gotta stop looking for love where it can't be found. Young children give up their desperate pleas for it when they realise it ain't happening. Just sit for an hour in a Romanian orphanage and you'll see that. They don't give up their desperate need for it...just their belief that it's worth expressing that need. The need sits inside, frustrated and festering...and eats away at their psyche.

 

Begging and pleading to be loved may well be unproductive and unfashionable...and you'll give up on it when you ultimately realise it isn't working. But I still think it's the most instinctive thing in the world to express it.

 

I know what you mean Vin. And I admire (and agree with) your idea that we are losing the ability to stomach hardship, bumps, and divots in the road...both in the context of our relationships AND our lives in general. LTRs spanning a lifetime become truly impossible in such conditions.

[organizedchaos]

How did it help? You took her back because you felt sorry for her against your better judgment, got hooked again and then were devastated when she threw you to the side. You should never beg someone to give you a chance, ever, ever, ever.

 

You would have been a lot better served to have let sleeping dogs lie for a while and move forward a bit before even considering such a move.

 

Work has to be put in during the relationship. Not after it's broken.

 

Exactly.

 

Someone should WANT to get back to you because they've changed and you've changed and you both want this. NOT because they feel sorry for you. Begging and pleading is WEAK and not attractive in the least bit.

[mtnbiker3000]

I've scanned this thread and it seems like some of the posters here are in desperate need of introspection. Instead of trying to figure out so much about other people (ex's), I think you would be much better served in trying to understand your own issues of co-dependency, boundaries, decision making, self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.

 

I believe this is where many people, including myself, are hung up. And if you don't attack these issues head on, you will simply repeat the behaviors that brought you here to LS again and again. Make changes in your own way of thinking and forget about the ex.

 

Make yourself better and stronger and you will receive what you seek. Don't and you will suffer similar consequences repeatedly.

[reddragon588]

Why would anyone want to beg and plead? Have some more self-respect for yourself. You are the prize, treat yourself like it.

[Simplysimon]

My ex was head over heels inlove with me before. I was more important to him than his life or family.

 

We had a fight and i broke up with him but apologized after 2 days. He wont take me back. I begged, pleaded, apologized, made many promises but he wont take me back.

 

He was rude and spiteful. He deliberately wants to hurt me, he seems to be enjoying i was hurting. I begged for 3 days. And that just pushed him away.

 

When he loved u more than his family etc how did u feel about him...

[mtnbiker3000]

I read that phrase the other day, about being the 'prize'. Damn straight!

 

I think people have trouble coping with the lack of control that happens when someone breaks up with you. I used to beg and plead when I was younger too. But as hard as it is, if you can zip the lip and remain quiet, the outcome will be better in the long run.

 

Short term pain, for long term gain. It's hard, but it does eventually work. You either move on, or they decide they can't live without you (metaphorically speaking, of course).

 

^^ It's because many of us have "issues of co-dependency, boundaries, decision making, self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence". I, for one, am focusing a lot of energy back in the mirror. I want to fix me rather than fix my thoughts about the ex, the RS or the BU...

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I agree with aspiringuitarheroine and I always had the belief if my ex ever dumped me I wouldn't say a word to her, I'd leave in a flash.

 

But reading everyone's stories and having experienced it for the first time I realize it's not that simple to just walk away.

 

When you first get dumped you don't truly know what the other person is thinking or feeling.

 

Nearly every person posting on here is so confused about how their partner could do this after all the time spent together. They usually dump you after you HAVE done something wrong so you feel like you can't just accept it and walk away.

 

This ties in with not knowing what they are REALLY thinking. So you are certain you made a mistake, because this person told you things were going to be very very different.

 

It's hard to just walk away like that because you feel you have to fight for them and show them you do care, you never knew how serious they were and they will play the victim to ease their own guilt.

 

If my ex had dumped me out of the blue I would of walked away no questions asked. But they wait in the wings for you and once that moment arrives they lay the smackdown so naturally you feel like if you apologize and even beg they will forgive you.

 

But it was never about that, if they truly loved you they wouldn't give you up over a fight. Maybe if you cheated or lied really bad.

 

No, they simply aren't attracted to you anymore or have feelings for you. Then we make ourselves even MORE unattractive with our weak begging and pleading. God help if you DID make a mistake because you'll apologize for that and every other thing you thought you did wrong. So you look weak and unnattracive AND you're reinforcing their decision by saying "yeah I did treat you bad".

 

Don't do it, don't get scammed.

Edited November 20, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa