For People who begged and Pleaded

[Arty54]

MoooOinkBaaa;

God help if you DID make a mistake because you'll apologize for that and every other thing you thought you did wrong. So you look weak and unnattracive AND you're reinforcing their decision by saying "yeah I did treat you bad".

 

Don't do it, don't get scammed.

 

IMO you are quite right but everyone's situation is different, hopefully you will know the Ex well enough to know whether by admitting your part or faults in the broken relationship it will carry any weight 'do you know what, I got it wrong and for that, I'm sorry' the OP may just admire you a little bit for your honesty, it may never make a difference to them but it may make you feel initially better by saying that maybe I got it wrong. Sometimes that is all that needs to be said.

 

I know it is never easy in the heat of the post BU and hindsight is a wonderful thing!

[Sugarkane]

I've never begged or pleaded like majority of people on here and I know how difficult it is after being completely blindsided. I'm not sure if it makes any difference though, so far it hasn't.

[Never Again]

I read that phrase the other day, about being the 'prize'. Damn straight!

 

I think people have trouble coping with the lack of control that happens when someone breaks up with you. I used to beg and plead when I was younger too. But as hard as it is, if you can zip the lip and remain quiet, the outcome will be better in the long run.

 

Short term pain, for long term gain. It's hard, but it does eventually work. You either move on, or they decide they can't live without you (metaphorically speaking, of course).

 

Yup.

 

This is also why it's best to avoid the "closure talk". Makes the dumper feel better, gives the dumpee another opportunity to look vulnerable and risk bad behavior. I learned that recently (never had a post-BU chat before....WAY more painful than the actual breakup, let me tell you).

 

My general rule of thumb has been: I don't even ask - asking while emotional is like begging. I don't plead or beg. I tell them, at the moment of the breakup, that I would like to give it another shot now that the problems are out in the open.

 

If they're not receptive to that, then I accept and move along. There may be some tears exposed, or maybe even many, but never ever begging. Begging isn't fighting for a relationship - the only way you can really "fight for" a relationship is if your partner (or recently ex partner) is willing to fight with you.

 

If they're not willing to stand by your side to face the onslaught, then the only thing you're fighting...is your ex. And there's no winning that battle.

[Never Again]

I've never begged or pleaded like majority of people on here and I know how difficult it is after being completely blindsided. I'm not sure if it makes any difference though, so far it hasn't.

 

It can.

 

Sometimes blindsides means "I ignored the problem"...but sometimes the dumper is just really good at hiding how they feel.

 

The further away you see a breakup coming, the easier both sides can cope.

 

I've only been blindsided by my most recent breakup (brief stale patch, things were actually getting better when the BU occurred).

 

I let a few things slip that I shouldn't have - like what I thought the real problem was, how my ex and I shared the blame and it could easily be fixed - but trying to use logic during a breakup is pretty close to begging I wager.

 

It's the intellectual's way to beg I guess. I didn't know that at the time, but hopefully anyone reading this will know better.

 

The faster you shut your mouth, get your ex to shut theirs and leave, the better all around.

[Sugarkane]

It also makes me laugh when if you don't beg/ plead, they sometimes complain that you didn't care about them enough and didn't fight for them!

[Vinsanity1307]

I am not giving advice to go beg and plead everytime all the time. I just disagree that begging and pleading is one of the worst things you can do. For example When your fighting with your ex or theyre fighting with you. Its the heat of the moment. Emotions are high. You may or may not say stuff you mean. For one someone says its over or whatever. Then the other begs. I think this CAN show or give reassurance how much you mean to that person. That they freely willingly beg to not end it or give it another chance or whatever. That CAN help a bad situation sometimes. It did for my ex with me.

 

How did it work out for me???? Yeah my heart ripped out I know as you all Know I am depressed and miss her/love her or w/e. BUT I dont regret doing it. I loved the girl and gave it time. The spark and everything came back. I was willing to try and give it a chance. I never thought how pathetic she was when doing so EVER. It proved to me that she was willing to do this for me. I mattered that much to her.The second time around regardless of my resentment or in-sensitiveness at times it was 100000X better for both of us the second time around. The second time around the bar was set so much higher. Love is unpredictable and can do things like this. I can hold my head high on that. Possibly wouldn't of experienced it if I hadnt begged or whatever. Who knows and whose to say that it would of or wouldn't of but its how I see it.

 

 

I am sure you heard its always darkest before the dawn. You cant sit there and tell me there has never been a case or situation of a relationship where there were more "red flags" or a more broken relationship at some point and someone begged and pleaded or both did and it ended up working out. You just cant say that cause im sure there are worse situations than ours and it worked out. Everyone is different. All comments on here are opinionsand or experiences. Doesnt make them right or wrong.

[Vinsanity1307]

It also makes me laugh when if you don't beg/ plead, they sometimes complain that you didn't care about them enough and didn't fight for them!

 

Least you can say you tried. Once that is all. Depending if its not a real serious reason for breaking up them cheating or w/e. Again i see it you tried and you showed them a real low and someone that truely loves you will see that and understand wow I really mean that much to them. Again just my opinion and how I feel. Again people are so quick to leave now when things arent good, and I hate that. There was something there between you and your ex and me and mine especially in a LTR. Things get stale, GIGS may happen, something rough happens in their life or your life. Its working through that that defines someone in a relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

You cant sit there and tell me there has never been a case or situation of a relationship where there were more "red flags" or a more broken relationship at some point and someone begged and pleaded or both did and it ended up working out.

 

Yeah, I've seen it plenty of times -- in movies. In real life, no.

[Sugarkane]

It's hard when they don't even have the decency of breaking up with you properly. And just dump you by social media, email, text and never bother to speak to you again.

It can.

 

Sometimes blindsides means "I ignored the problem"...but sometimes the dumper is just really good at hiding how they feel.

 

The further away you see a breakup coming, the easier both sides can cope.

 

I've only been blindsided by my most recent breakup (brief stale patch, things were actually getting better when the BU occurred).

 

I let a few things slip that I shouldn't have - like what I thought the real problem was, how my ex and I shared the blame and it could easily be fixed - but trying to use logic during a breakup is pretty close to begging I wager.

 

It's the intellectual's way to beg I guess. I didn't know that at the time, but hopefully anyone reading this will know better.

 

The faster you shut your mouth, get your ex to shut theirs and leave, the better all around.

[Vinsanity1307]

Yeah, I've seen it plenty of times -- in movies. In real life, no.

 

Just cause you dont know of a case doesnt mean it never happened.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's hard when they don't even have the decency of breaking up with you properly. And just dump you by social media, email, text and never bother to speak to you again.

 

Dumped is dumped. Who cares how they do it? The result is the same. If anything, a bad dumping should make you move on quicker. I really don't understand your thought process at all on much of anything. You seem to be angry, but I'm really not sure about what you are still angry about. I feel as if you are stuck in some weird stage of the breakup and refuse to do anything about it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just cause you dont know of a case doesnt mean it never happened.

 

You can use this logic on anything if you really chose. I mean, I've never heard of anyone jumping out of a plane and surviving, but I guess there's a chance it happened once. It still doesn't make it a very smart or productive way to go.

 

I'm sorry Vinny, the sooner you realize your relationship was flawed, the better you'll be. You are hanging on by a thread to something that doesn't deserve to be hung on to, and you are fighting everyone who is trying to help you. I guess it's good that you are starting to show some fire, as misguided as it is. I hope that you start to channel it in the right way though.

[Sugarkane]

Dumped is dumped. Who cares how they do it? The result is the same. If anything, a bad dumping should make you move on quicker. I really don't understand your thought process at all on much of anything. You seem to be angry, but I'm really not sure about what you are still angry about. I feel as if you are stuck in some weird stage of the breakup and refuse to do anything about it.

 

I find your answer weird considering people like to brag about being friends with their exes on this site. I just don't understand how guys act all macho, then act like cowards like this.

[Sugarkane]

Yeah, a break-up that is totally amicable and understanding, due to circumstance, and you can't be a little mad at the person because you know exactly the right thing is happening... I hope I never, ever, have to do that again. It's excruciating.

 

Give me a good old-fashioned 'Houdini' move any day. At least I can think "Jerk!" and move on.

 

It's not fun getting zero closure though. And you wonder why they don't do the same to the next person aswell.

[Simon Phoenix]

I find your answer weird considering people like to brag about being friends with their exes on this site.

 

They do? Where? I think you and I are reading different threads.

[Vinsanity1307]

If you need to beg and plead to someone to prove how much you mean to them and them to you, again, the relationship is not on the strongest foundation. You shouldn't need to do this. It might not be the worst thing in the world, and people might do it without thinking (everyone has at one point), but it's not a worthwhile tactic to get someone to change their mind. All it does, is continue to transfer power to the dumper. Look at your situation - you're completely unempowered, you continue to let your ex invade every minute of every day of your life, your entire happiness is ruled by her. And what's she doing? Probably dating, hanging out with her kids, and living her life.

 

If that's what begging and pleading gets the dumpee - thanks, but no thanks. I'll pass, and choose dignified silence every time.

 

 

Ok first of all I really think you lost your compassion or never had it and forgot what its like to be the dumpee. I dont want to hear you say oh shes out dating or implying that im forgotten or w/e. So you need to back off. Your probably right but I dont want to hear it...Not on here to make each other feel worse or whatever.That basically adding salt to a wound....This is how I feel and am sharing with people who have begged and pleaded or who can relate. I dont care if its not for one person or another. Someone will relate and see my side. Although all comments and opinions are appreciated and respected (for the most part). You can make get your point acroos or opinion without hurting someone more. I dont expect everyone to or even most to agree. Its my experience and how I feel. No right or wrong answer!

[Never Again]

Vin, there are right or wrong answers for HEALING.

 

I've done the wrong thing by trying to reason with my ex after getting dumped. It was a bad move and opened me up to loads more pain.

 

I learned that lesson.

 

You're not learning yours.

 

Yes, you begged and pleaded. No, it wasn't the worst thing in the world...but any relationship founded on that would've been unhealthy and fake.

 

Everyone slips up. People will relate to your post, but that doesn't mean this kind of behavior should be encouraged.

 

If you feel the need to say something during a breakup, a simple "I'd prefer to stay together, but I accept your choice" is all you can really put out there without hurting yourself worse.

 

Know what I did during my last breakup? I twisted the knife that my ex drove into my heart. I made it worse. I caused that pain. Not her. She may have driven it in slowly and in jerky motions because she wasn't sure of her decision, but it was my inability to cope in the moment that did the most damage.

 

I cursed myself for appearing weak, for giving her so much power over me, for putting myself in a position where I'd second guess every action I took. It was awful, and I did that to myself.

 

Folks can relate all they want, but they need to be learning from them pain, not rationalizing it.

[ks0985]

For one someone says its over or whatever. Then the other begs. I think this CAN show or give reassurance how much you mean to that person.

 

I look at it a different way, that gives they dumper more reassurance that they can continue to walk all over you and that you will take it.

 

How did it work out for me???? Yeah my heart ripped out I know as you all Know I am depressed and miss her/love her or w/e.

 

So you admit that begging and pleading did not work for you then?

 

 

BUT I dont regret doing it. I loved the girl and gave it time. The spark and everything came back. I was willing to try and give it a chance. I never thought how pathetic she was when doing so EVER. It proved to me that she was willing to do this for me.

 

Nice story and all but clearly begging and pleading did nothing but put a temporary fix on a failing relationship.

 

 

You cant sit there and tell me there has never been a case or situation of a relationship where there were more "red flags" or a more broken relationship at some point and someone begged and pleaded or both did and it ended up working out. You just cant say that cause im sure there are worse situations than ours and it worked out. Everyone is different. All comments on here are opinionsand or experiences. Doesnt make them right or wrong.

 

Sure maybe begging and pleading works for 1/100 people but ill take my chances on not begging and pleading than making myself look like a pathetic loser by begging a girl to be with me after she dumped me. Only way i ever return to a relationship in which i was dumped is if she does the begging and pleading.

[Vinsanity1307]

I'm going to excuse your rudeness, because it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with your depression. You need a whipping girl, go nuts. I can take it.

 

No I haven't lost my compassion. I was dumped this year. It was horrible. I cried non-stop for weeks, talked endlessly with my friends about it for months, Googled how to be friends with an ex, how to get back with an ex, and lost so much weight I had to buy new jeans because I couldn't get the old ones to fit even with a belt. So I haven't lost my compassion. It's simply that it is easier to deliver advice to someone separate from yourself.

 

So I understand falling apart after an ex leaves you. But in all that time, I made sure the ex didn't hear a peep from me. Not one. I was a glorified mess, but he had no idea.

 

No, you don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear about a solution, that perhaps your relationship was broken long before it got to the begging and pleading stage. That's why you're still writing threads with the same subject matter over and over again. That's why you're crying 4 months after the fact, whereas byt the 4 month mark, I was dragging myself out on dates even though I really didn't want to be there. That's why 4 months after the fact, I made some new friends, discovered a hidden talent, and reacquainted myself with an old one. I took healing seriously from day one.

 

I haven't said anything hurtful. You're just oversensitive. Your wounds are open and raw because you keep picking at them, over and over.

 

I never said that begging and pleading was a cardinal sin in break ups. I never said that people didn't get back together through begging and pleading - loads do. I did question whether it displayed a healthy mindset to continue a relationship, that if you have to beg someone to come back, that says a lot about co-dependency, which is incredibly dangerous in a relationship. And in this instance, I am correct - because you and your ex are not together? Begging and pleading, in your case, was far from a success story.

 

 

I wasnt being rude. Thats nice and all you find it helpful to you giving advice to others. I am not against this or you telling me about my already broken relationship, and advice on what to do . My original thread 99% of everyone said that. What pushed my button was implying ive been completely forgotten and coming out and saying she is dating. I know what she is doing well 99% sure and that she doesnt care. But Im trying to push those images out. They dont help. Thats what my gripe with you is. Thats not a solution to me as you put it thats adding insult to injury. of course i am sensitive. I admit it but who isnt at this stage.

[Vinsanity1307]

I look at it a different way, that gives they dumper more reassurance that they can continue to walk all over you and that you will take it.

 

 

 

So you admit that begging and pleading did not work for you then?

 

 

 

 

Nice story and all but clearly begging and pleading did nothing but put a temporary fix on a failing relationship.

 

 

 

 

Sure maybe begging and pleading works for 1/100 people but ill take my chances on not begging and pleading than making myself look like a pathetic loser by begging a girl to be with me after she dumped me. Only way i ever return to a relationship in which i was dumped is if she does the begging and pleading.

 

 

I wasnt using my begging as an example. i was using her begging as an example. What I thought of her when she was doing and it and how I felt. Cause I clearly loved the girl more than she did me. her tears destroyed me mine did nothing for her. I know. But as I said I begged when she first dumped me and she came back and I may of never had experienced some of the best moments in my life(indescribable sex,the romantic nites, the talks,) if I hadnt done that or just NC and healed after the first BU. The bar was set high the second time believe you me.

[ks0985]

I wasnt using my begging as an example. i was using her begging as an example. What I thought of her when she was doing and it and how I felt. Cause I clearly loved the girl more than she did me. her tears destroyed me mine did nothing for her. I know. But as I said I begged when she first dumped me and she came back and I may of never had experienced some of the best moments in my life(indescribable sex,the romantic nites, the talks,) if I hadnt done that or just NC and healed after the first BU. The bar was set high the second time believe you me.

 

 

I hear you my ex also cried her eyes out while she was telling me she was confused and i held it together and told her that i accept the break up and to not contact me ever again unless she wanted to work things out. Only been 9 days but i have used the last 9 days to focus on her negative qualities where as you seem to be focusing on your ex good qualities. Probably the reason were at different places post BU

[Vinsanity1307]

I wasnt rude believe you me. You offended me and its not the first time you doing so. If something offends me it offends me. So stop with the insult to injury I know whats going on I dont have to keep being reminded of it by you. Have some respect....

[me85]

Ok first of all I really think you lost your compassion or never had it and forgot what its like to be the dumpee. I dont want to hear you say oh shes out dating or implying that im forgotten or w/e. So you need to back off. Your probably right but I dont want to hear it...Not on here to make each other feel worse or whatever.That basically adding salt to a wound....This is how I feel and am sharing with people who have begged and pleaded or who can relate. I dont care if its not for one person or another. Someone will relate and see my side. Although all comments and opinions are appreciated and respected (for the most part). You can make get your point acroos or opinion without hurting someone more. I dont expect everyone to or even most to agree. Its my experience and how I feel. No right or wrong answer!

 

AGREED. I'm with ya.

I haven't begged and pleaded with anyone except my recent ex. I love him more than past bfs. I haven't begged and pleaded to get sympathy, I just know he truly loves me and IS in love with me, so it IS worth fighting for. I won't fight forever. Our break up is 2 weeks fresh & I've only reached out a matter of days and we are talking more because of it and I really think he thinks I just never cared because I went NC for a while out of confusion myself. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's not so much begging and pleading but letting them know you realize what you should have done differently and letting them know it's worth another shot and you can "man" up "woman" up to be better in the future.

 

As for my ex's Mother offering to help me, (it's due to a lot of stresses in my life not just the BU) I was close to his family and they love and care for me. I didn't ask her to help me, my ex did and that isn't a negative thing. He doesn't feel sorry for me. He was my best friend for 3 years. He isn't dropping me "just like that." Even if we don't get back together I know he deeply cares for me and wants me to be happy.

 

People on here need to put their pistols away.

[Vinsanity1307]

Her begging was a band aid. Nothing more. It should not be peddled as a solution for people. You took her back because you were the weaker one. She was wearing the pants. She was calling the shots, right up until the point that she walked out on you. Her begging sounds more manipulatve than heartfelt, and it makes me wonder just how long she was yanking your chain.

 

You confuse chemistry with relationship stability. Just because you have incredible sexual chemistry with a person, does not mean they are the person for you.

 

You clearly were both extremely emotional and irrational, experienced multiple break-ups, and she manipulated you pretty good. To the point where you cannot see her faults. There's no sexual chemistry or ability to 'talk', that makes up for those things.

 

Next time, choose stability and maturity, over instant sexual chemistry. Compatibility in the bedroom can be developed. Developing moral compatibility is much harder.

 

I will give you that....You may be right do I want to believe that....no.....But it wasnt just the sex. The convos the common interests, stuff like that all clicked as well....

[Vinsanity1307]

I am respecting you. I am giving you the utmost respect. Just because my advice isn't what you want to hear, doesn't mean it's not correct. And I'm not going to agree with what you're saying, to make you feel better.

 

You're not mad at me. Not really. You're mad at what I'm saying because you know it to be true. I'm a mirror for you right now, and it's making you uncomfortable. That's ok. Maybe it will get you to see the light. Right now, your denial is stopping you from moving forward. You need to let go of the denial, accept the end of this relationship, and start embracing the future.

 

 

There is alot of advice on here that people have given me that stings or isnt what i want to hear. But I respect it, and appreciate it. Your comment offended me. Bottom line. I am not looking to be coddled or 100% sympathized with. I do expect respect and understanding especially since most experienced it. Everyone is different. That was one thing that pushed my buttons...