For People who begged and Pleaded

[Simon Phoenix]

I will give you that....You may be right do I want to believe that....no.....But it wasnt just the sex. The convos the common interests, stuff like that all clicked as well....

 

Every dumpee on this site has had those things with their ex. But you have to accept that it's over and that those things were not enough to keep the relationship at bay. Instead of fighting us and trying to hold on to what is gone, it's time to fight and make yourself a better you, to come out of this sh*tty situation right side up.

 

Honestly, your spirit in this thread is progress. I'd rather hear you getting pissed and mixing it up then stories of you crying in the corner of a party and being completely helpless. Now we need to get you to fight for moving forward to the right things instead of fighting for holding on to things that don't exist anymore. This is the first sign of spirit I've seen in you -- now it's time to direct that spirit into something positive instead of something destructive. But baby steps...

[Never Again]

You confuse chemistry with relationship stability. Just because you have incredible sexual chemistry with a person, does not mean they are the person for you.

 

Next time, choose stability and maturity, over instant sexual chemistry. Compatibility in the bedroom can be developed. Developing moral compatibility is much harder.

 

Sometimes you're my hero...ine.

 

Vin, she's got it right. Look, there's a pretty interesting article about "love" that I'll link here: Sheryl Paul: The Truth About Love

 

Co-dependent relationships are borne of trauma and fear of loss.

 

It's addictive. It's also unhealthy.

 

The basic idea is that people in these relationships make the following associations:

 

- Love equals passion

- Passion equals uncertainty

- Uncertainty equals drama

- Drama equals possibility of loss

- Possibility of loss equals love

 

The thought that your partner could leave you at any time is what keeps you clinging. A shorter version of this is in the tips for surviving your breakup thread by oracle, where he says that "Possession and desire and mutually exclusive".

 

That's why the "spark" of intense sexual attraction sticks in toxic relationships and tends to fade or even out in stable ones. That's why dating advice often suggests you hold your partner at a distance, refrain from opening up completely and remain "a challenge". It's all about keeping someone chasing you. It's "love" based on anxiety and fear. It's an addiction, pure and simple.

 

That's why the sexual chemistry was amazing. That's why you're still addicted to her now, and that's why a majority of relationships built solely on attraction fail.

 

There's so much more to a real long term relationship because, eventually, the chemistry and attraction will disappear. We all get older and start to sag and forget things, after all. Substance and a deep rooted compatibility are way more important.

 

This relationship was no good for you and the effects of it are revealing themselves. You're going to be way better off without that drama in your life. Honestly, begging and pleading just STOKES that drama further, which is why it left you at her mercy. You fed your own addiction.

[Shaine]

When he loved u more than his family etc how did u feel about him...

 

I thought wow, this guy is really inlove with me.

But when he wont take me back after my begging and pleading, i got confused. He told me he didnt love me anymore after 2 days of breakup(it was his fault).

So begging really didnt do anything for me, it didnt make him realize anything or pity me.

It just pushed him away.

[reddragon588]

What pushed my button was coming out and saying she is dating

 

The sooner you accept this is happening, the sooner you begin healing.

 

Vin, I'm going to give you some tough love here. I don't mean it to be rude, or insensitive, only telling you the truth here, and sometimes the truth hurts the most. And I'm telling it to you because I care and want you to heal.

 

YOUR EX IS DATING OTHER PEOPLE.

 

Even if she hasn't already, she will be soon.

[mtnbiker3000]

^^Yup. It's a tough part of the recovery process but completely necessary. Not just dating, but having sex too. Make your stomach turn? Of course. But you must accept it.

 

So, what's the upside? Now you are free to do the same. And you will when you are ready. Did you think she is going to become a nun now. Nope. She's going to move on. Meet others. Date others. Bang others. Possibly fall in love with others. And so should you!

 

After reading through this a bit, the fact is... this is DONE. She knows it. Now you need to own it!!

[reddragon588]

^^Yup. It's a tough part of the recovery process but completely necessary.

 

Not just a tough part, but in my opinion, the toughest part period.

[mtnbiker3000]

Not just a tough part, but in my opinion, the toughest part period.

 

Yeah. That and the 'preceding' fact = The rejection. Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather meet someone else. I know what you have to offer and I'm not interested. Ouch. That shyte still stings me 8+ months of NC later. Just plain hard to swallow.

[Vinsanity1307]

Wow ya know I didnt see how dark and mean people can be until my ex left for the second time but I even see it more with some of your responses. I say that I am offended when your implying my ex has moved on or not thinking of me or doing god knows what and rubbing it in my face. Yet you still feel the need to do so and write it. Just cause I choose to not think about it doesnt mean I dont accept it. Its my way of dealing with it. The thoughts were lessening until some of you felt the need to write it, and I said that earlier in the post. So thanks for the setback. I dont need it rubbed in my face. Just cause something worked for you or someone else doesnt mean I need to hear it or see it, and that it is what will work for me. Again some have no respect!

[ks0985]

Wow ya know I didnt see how dark and mean people can be until my ex left for the second time but I even see it more with some of your responses. I say that I am offended when your implying my ex has moved on or not thinking of me or doing god knows what and rubbing it in my face. Yet you still feel the need to do so and write it. Just cause I choose to not think about it doesnt mean I dont accept it. Its my way of dealing with it. The thoughts were lessening until some of you felt the need to write it, and I said that earlier in the post. So thanks for the setback. I dont need it rubbed in my face. Just cause something worked for you or someone else doesnt mean I need to hear it or see it, and that it is what will work for me. Again some have no respect!

 

 

Listen man you seem like a good guy. Time to separate fantasy from reality. It really will help you move forward. Nothing they are saying is mean spirited. Its just life bro....sometimes life sucks but hey you gotta be strong. Learn from this past relationship and move onto a new one.

[mtnbiker3000]

Wow ya know I didnt see how dark and mean people can be until my ex left for the second time but I even see it more with some of your responses. I say that I am offended when your implying my ex has moved on or not thinking of me or doing god knows what and rubbing it in my face. Yet you still feel the need to do so and write it. Just cause I choose to not think about it doesnt mean I dont accept it. Its my way of dealing with it. The thoughts were lessening until some of you felt the need to write it, and I said that earlier in the post. So thanks for the setback. I dont need it rubbed in my face. Just cause something worked for you or someone else doesnt mean I need to hear it or see it, and that it is what will work for me. Again some have no respect!

 

You think any of us wanted to think about it when we were told the same advice? You think we like making you feel bad? Grow up, dude. We are trying to slap you across the face with some tough love. We are trying to get you to move forward. You are stuck worse than anyone else I have ever seen on this board (except one young person). Quit crying about respect so much and start taking some of your life back!

[Vinsanity1307]

Again what worked for some doesnt mean it works for all. It pisses me off when people dont respect how someone feels. You are not me I am not you. It doesnt help and offends me. So i will say it nicely one more time I dont appreciate those comments being said. I am hurt by my situation still but I am still here and dealing everyday, regardless what im feeling about her.

[mtnbiker3000]

Again what worked for some doesnt mean it works for all. It pisses me off when people dont respect how someone feels. You are not me I am not you. It doesnt help and offends me. So i will say it nicely one more time I dont appreciate those comments being said. I am hurt by my situation still but I am still here and dealing everyday, regardless what im feeling about her.

 

Well, post at your own peril. People are going to reply as they see fit. Upsetting to you or not.

 

And, what you're not realizing is that all of this tough love being given to you is designed to help you lessen these feelings of hurt you describe. Designed to aid in making you feel better. And it comes from experience. Much experience. The same scenarios with the same results. You and yours are not unique. Why are you pushing back so hard?

Edited November 21, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Vin....

 

You come on a site where you have FREE ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you cant take the truth, get out of the kitchen...not the saying but you get the idea haha.

 

Second, you create SOOO many threads about this situation that honestly, you are watering down EVERYTHING you are saying. Guitar, Simon, Biker, PF, dragon, etc have seen ALL of your post and ALL of your situation. You complain to us that we dont know how you feel. Dude, WE KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! You kinda wont let us forget haha.

 

You wont let ANY of this go. Everyday, its something else. The majority of people on here have told you the exact same thing on here for MONTHS, so why are you going against us now like its a wrestling match? Why dont you actually follow the advice for the better? You say we dont understand your situation, when in reality, WE ALL understand it. Its the same story, just different characters. You signed up for the site months ago, and I still havent seen any progress from you. Until you learn to help yourself, then why come on here? To vent? Maybe a journal would suit you better man. Not being harsh, but come on man.

 

Just my .02.

[faithfully]

You put a thread up and say comments n input appreciated and when people give their opinions, you dont like it or ur hurt by it if its something you dont wanna hear. We all need tough love, no point sugar coating anything. Doesnt get you anywhere.

 

I have read this post and my opinion which i am entitled is from reading. I have been both a dumper and now a dumpee. I begged pleaded still ran about after him when we broke up, adked to see him, the lot you name it done it.

 

The comments you r not liking my friend might be harsh, abbrupt, hard to swallow but its true. The begging pleading doesnt get anybody anywhere including myself. Am sure they r not to purposely hurt you but to help you. We all been there and only talking from experience.

[yorkie]

Again what worked for some doesnt mean it works for all. It pisses me off when people dont respect how someone feels. You are not me I am not you. It doesnt help and offends me. So i will say it nicely one more time I dont appreciate those comments being said. I am hurt by my situation still but I am still here and dealing everyday, regardless what im feeling about her.

 

vin,

 

i understand your pain, i really do mukka, i actually agree with some of what you say. i think its different people views as alot of people here have had experience of love and break ups yes it hurts and end of the day each to their own. everyone puts their opinion across because its a forum. for me i begged for two months and tbh it made me realise how insecure i am. its also showed me how awful my ex was as a person because yeah i still feel like begging now but i wont! but you know what, If yo9u ever do get back together you will have your chance to explain your actions and hopefully again if you do get back with your ex she will see actually how much you care for her. you need to do your own thing and cope how you want to cope. i have and tbh even though im no way over my ex i dont think i ever will be but i have accepted its over. i am now dating and i have met a woman who i have been friends with for some time now and you know what i like her alot and she likes me and we are taking it slowly. life does move on and hopefully you will heal and move on or get back together.

 

remember though do you own thing, its easy for others to tell you their advice but again you are the one that knows what you had and what you have lost. just dont regret anything life is a learning game in my eyes and if you dont learn you dont live.

 

all the best mate and chin up. i am seriously thinking of not coming on love shack any more as i feel this is now starting to hold me back. i got support from alot of people and there are alot of good people on here who give sound advice! they are only trying to help you!

[Simon Phoenix]

Vinny, I'm not sure what you want from us right now. You've obviously reached the anger stage, but instead of being angry at the ex that has put you in this situation and has no regrets about it, you are getting angry at people helping you. I don't get it dude, how can you idolize an ex who doesn't seem to care about you but lash out at people who don't know you yet are devoting their time to helping you?

 

What do you want us to say? Do you want us to lie to you? Do you want us to treat you like you are a child? Well, that's not going to happen dude. It's about time you started taking control of yourself. If you are going to get angry, get angry at the person who put you in this position and who broke your heart -- not at the people who are trying to point you in the right direction. Being coddled like an infant isn't going to help you. Being told what you want to hear isn't going to help you. People are telling you that your ex is hooking up with someone else (YES, SHE PROBABLY IS OR SHE IS INTERESTED IN SUCH THINGS) because it's something you have to confront. You've talked about how you can't move on because you feel you need to confront your feelings, but when posters bring up something you need to confront, you put up a temper tantrum. That's a bit hypocritical.

 

I mean, we know your story. All we can do is be honest. It's up to you whether you want to embrace it or whether you want to stay in the cocoon you have so carefully built for yourself.

[RDawg]

Begging.. yeah been there got the t-shirt. I had to do it so I could convince myself I had tried everything but it certainly didn't change anything in her mind. When they're done they're done and nothing you say is going to change it.

 

Now when my ex and I meet with each other I just pretend that I am moving on. The old fake it till you make it approach. What's weird is that we are able to communicate far better now than when we were together. I guess now we have the freedom to say all the things we should have been telling each other when the conflicts started.

[Vinsanity1307]

.....You can give me your experiences and opinions on the topic that is fine and dandy, and even on my situation. Its a forum/post on begging and pleading. Again what grinds my gears is for the first 5 pages nothing was said about my ex moving on or dating others until one poster. Then I stated it offended me so she continued to say it as well as 4 or 5 other posters...What does that have to do with this thread. I said I dont want to hear it and people say it anyway even when it really doesnt have to do with the point of this topic. I have seen threads where people ask to be kind or something along those lines and it is respected. Why when I say one comment I was offended by and did not want to hear/see it. It continued, and continued?? I already told you I accepted the fact that she "moved on" So I dont want to think about it and be reminded of it. Its my way of dealing. the thoughts of it subsided. Until that poster brought it up. I would even be ok with you guys stating she has moved on but you dont have to get into specifics of what shes doing ..Really? Thats adding insult to injury and again dont appreciate that. No situation is the same . None .. I am not saying my relationship was more special than anyone elses or vise versa. Heartbreak is prob the same or most of the same feelings but everyone is different so what you may think is good for someone and it worked with you doesn't mean its universal. And I do come on here to vent. Whats wrong with that?? I just expect people to respect my wishes. Bottom line. How do you guys know I am not akiing your advice?. Of course I have been but again im still in a ****ty spot. NO ONE PERSON IS THE SAME. I cant say that enough. So dont say I havent been trying cause I have. But apparently takes a different approach with me or longer I dont know..Just my feelings.

 

 

This anger isnt obviously at everyone so please dont take offense to it. Just the ones who fail to respect on something that offends me. As I stated I do appreciate most all responses who honor my request.

[RDawg]

Chill Vin.. we are all in this together. These other guys are trying to give you a little push in the right direction, they are not disrespecting you they are trying to help you. You know that brother. It flippin hurts like crazy to confront these things and I am in the same place as you. By not accepting these painful realities we keep holding onto false hopes and prevent our progress.. it's ok, if you're not ready to take that step just yet that's fine.. we all need to be gentle with each other and gentle with ourselves.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

.....You can give me your experiences and opinions on the topic that is fine and dandy, and even on my situation. Its a forum/post on begging and pleading. Again what grinds my gears is for the first 5 pages nothing was said about my ex moving on or dating others until one poster. Then I stated it offended me so she continued to say it as well as 4 or 5 other posters...What does that have to do with this thread. I said I dont want to hear it and people say it anyway even when it really doesnt have to do with the point of this topic. I have seen threads where people ask to be kind or something along those lines and it is respected. Why when I say one comment I was offended by and did not want to hear/see it. It continued, and continued?? I already told you I accepted the fact that she "moved on" So I dont want to think about it and be reminded of it. Its my way of dealing. the thoughts of it subsided. Until that poster brought it up. I would even be ok with you guys stating she has moved on but you dont have to get into specifics of what shes doing ..Really? Thats adding insult to injury and again dont appreciate that. No situation is the same . None .. I am not saying my relationship was more special than anyone elses or vise versa. Heartbreak is prob the same or most of the same feelings but everyone is different so what you may think is good for someone and it worked with you doesn't mean its universal. And I do come on here to vent. Whats wrong with that?? I just expect people to respect my wishes. Bottom line. How do you guys know I am not akiing your advice?. Of course I have been but again im still in a ****ty spot. NO ONE PERSON IS THE SAME. I cant say that enough. So dont say I havent been trying cause I have. But apparently takes a different approach with me or longer I dont know..Just my feelings.

 

 

This anger isnt obviously at everyone so please dont take offense to it. Just the ones who fail to respect on something that offends me. As I stated I do appreciate most all responses who honor my request.

 

Thanks for giving us permission to give you advice lol.

 

First, telling you she is dating other people probably has EVERYTHING to do with this thread. It has to do with EVERY one of your 33 threads created. Its called letting go! You are clearly not doing that. Instead, taking out of place ideas and theories to try and justify her actions and yours keep you in the SAME place man. I dont know how else you can see this. What I see is when you said that you have been trying and it takes you longer. I dont think you are any slower or different by any means in that....its again your refusal to really let go. Since you won't fully, its taking you WAY longer than it should. You said you accepted her moving on and what not, but you get angry when its mentioned about her possibly being with someone else.....so it doesnt seem like that man. Yeah, I know you dont like to hear it and honestly, I get that I really do....but it doesnt make it less true. Since you signed up for a free website to discuss your relationship, then you have to take what comes good or bad. Telling people what they should and should not really tell you isnt really taking advice is it?

 

No one here is being mean to you. Its called truth. Truth hurts brother.

 

We all WANT you to move on. To MOVE ON FROM THIS!!

[Simon Phoenix]

These situations are more similar than you want to believe. Everyone thinks their relationship and breakup is some unique snowflake, but in general, they play out the same. As for your thing on staying on topic, it was on topic. Topics tend to evolve -- you talked about how your ex begging was a good thing, people disagreed, the conversation meandered to that comment, you decided to go nuts over it. Honestly, if you had just taken it in stride and what it was meant for, it would have been dropped a lot quicker. I really have no idea why, of all things, you decided to take a stand against that. Take a stand against something that matters.

 

I mean, some people aren't going to tell you its sunshine and rainbows when it's not, me included. If that's what you want, then maybe you should vent in a personal journal and control who comments on it. But begging sucks and so does putting your fingers in your ears and saying "Na, na, na, can't hear you" when someone brings something up.

 

I just wish you put more energy into being angry at your ex and being motivated to finding ways to move forward than playing posting police.

[faithfully]

Best advice- learn from your own mistake. Not everyone listens to advice. Sometimes people need to see it for themselves to learn.

 

Good luck

[Vinsanity1307]

yeah i fought so long to get those images out of my head as I posted threads asking for help with this. So why would you want to put these images back in? Bringing this up does that. And mentioning stuff like that does that. I am pretty sure some of you responded to that thread for the help. So do you see my point now and does that make sense?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

yeah i fought so long to get those images out of my head as I posted threads asking for help with this. So why would you want to put these images back in? Bringing this up does that. And mentioning stuff like that does that. I am pretty sure some of you responded to that thread for the help. So do you see my point now and does that make sense?

 

I obviously get why you don't like it....but maybe you NEED to think like this because what you're doing aint working. In the words from the great cinematic feature 40 Year Old Virgin:

 

"Of course it don't feel right! What has felt right for you doesn't work! You need to try some wrong, dawg."

 

This and all other threads share the trait of not moving on. Like guitar said, the sooner you acknowledge the situation, the sooner you can move on.

 

Thats what we want to see.

[Vinsanity1307]

Nothing i have said can be considered offensive. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, we have now pinpointed the root cause of your inability to move on. You believe that your ex feels the same way about you, that you do her.

 

You should bookmark this thread. This is a breakthrough. The sooner you acknowledge this situation, the sooner you can move on. When we are dumped, we should assume the other person is moving forward without us. You can resist the tide and eventually drown, or you can follow the current and start swimming.

 

I urge you to swim. Right now, you're drowning. Stop this now.

 

 

 

No I KNOW she does not feel the same. If I thought she did she would be here with me right now. Where did you come up with that i thought that?