For People who begged and Pleaded

[BC1980]

I think one big problem is that you have low self-esteem. I have read your threads before, and you stayed in what was clearly a dysfunctional relationship. Now, you seem to think that you deserve to beg and pine over someone. You do not deserve that, and your actions need to start reflecting that.

 

I've noticed that all of your threads are about the past relationship. You are in quicksand. Put one foot in front of the other, and break free from it.

 

I know how hard it is to move on, but your ex already has. We think that if we stay connected to the past by talking about it, anyzing it, fighting for it, those things somehow justify it and keep it alive. Its over. Cry, scream, do what you need to do to accept it because I really don't think you have accepted it yet.

[reddragon588]

Vin, I'm not sure what to tell you bud. But at the end of the day a lot of what you are struggling through right now is because you haven't let go of the fantasies yet. And you will only let go of those by acknowledging the truth. Even if you don't want to. Trust me, I don't want to acknowledge it any more than you. In fact, the thought of my ex hanging out with other guys (not even hooking up or dating, just hanging out) made me so angry this weekend I left a hangout with friends for a minute so I could find a quiet place to just yell and let out my emotions for a minute. But it's something I've had to face and I am. The tough parts are tough for a reason, but avoiding them because they are tough will not keep your feelings from getting hurt, they will only prolong the feelings of pain. Would you rather have a lot of pain for a short time or a bit of pain for a long long time?

[mtnbiker3000]

I think BC nailed it. And I say this as someone who is in the exact same boat. You suffer from very low self-esteem. You need to address, attack and work through this or nothing in your life will change.

 

A lot of people say get mad at your ex. I say get real with and about yourself. Take a long, hard look in the mirror and take note of what you see. You can lie to anyone and everyone... except yourself.

 

There's no shame in realizing self faults and flaws. But it's what you do about it that makes a difference.

[headinthecloud]

I agree with BC, Dragon and Biker. If you want to move on then you have to let go of the hope of what could have been.

[Haydn]

I agree with these guys Vin. It took me a long time to pick myself up and to truly do things for me! I agree with you to Red. I have times like that when i feel overwhelmed. Addiction to an ex is worse than any other. Keep your chin up and have a little smile at the world every now and then. You seem like a likable attractive guy so put yourself out there a bit. Take care.

[BC1980]

I think BC nailed it. And I say this as someone who is in the exact same boat. You suffer from very low self-esteem. You need to address, attack and work through this or nothing in your life will change.

 

A lot of people say get mad at your ex. I say get real with and about yourself. Take a long, hard look in the mirror and take note of what you see. You can lie to anyone and everyone... except yourself.

 

There's no shame in realizing self faults and flaws. But it's what you do about it that makes a difference.

 

I too realized that my self esteem was lacking. I stayed in a relationship with someone who clearly kept putting off commitment. If I had better boundaries, I would have walked away. I think a lot oft anger is at myself for allowing someone to run over me like that.

 

I think the sadness comes because you really wanted that person to be different. I kept talking myself out of leaving because I thought he would spontaneously combust into someone who wanted to commit. I thought something must be wrong with me, but it's low self esteem that tells us we deserve that.

[faithfully]

I too realized that my self esteem was lacking. I stayed in a relationship with someone who clearly kept putting off commitment. If I had better boundaries, I would have walked away. I think a lot oft anger is at myself for allowing someone to run over me like that.

 

I think the sadness comes because you really wanted that person to be different. I kept talking myself out of leaving because I thought he would spontaneously combust into someone who wanted to commit. I thought something must be wrong with me, but it's low self esteem that tells us we deserve that.

 

I soo gotta agree with this comment. think thats the problem, not enough self esteem

[mtnbiker3000]

I too realized that my self esteem was lacking. I stayed in a relationship with someone who clearly kept putting off commitment. If I had better boundaries, I would have walked away. I think a lot oft anger is at myself for allowing someone to run over me like that.

 

I think the sadness comes because you really wanted that person to be different. I kept talking myself out of leaving because I thought he would spontaneously combust into someone who wanted to commit. I thought something must be wrong with me, but it's low self esteem that tells us we deserve that.

 

I so agree. I am thoroughly pissed at her for not being upfront with me about her real feelings for such a long time. Pissed that she let me move across the state to create a life together. Pissed that she let me buy her 2 rings and propose. Pissed that she kept a sham of a relationship going for 3 years. The whole time knowing we were not going to go long term. Keeping me around for her own agenda. Watching me walk towards the ledge and not doing or saying a damn thing to keep me from falling. I knew what I was doing and how I felt, but what the hell was she doing. Damn it makes me mad. Selfish b*tch!!

 

But what's even worse than all of that is why I let this happen? Why I let my life end up the way it is now? Why didn't I address the red flags? Why didn't I demand more? Weak-ass boundaries, low self esteem, self worth, and terrible decision making.

[Haydn]

mtn biker, how could you see the flags??? Do you think we all did. Of course not! We were in love and we would have done whatever it took to make it work. Dont be so hard on yourself mate. We all ..... up big time. Now we are here. Lets stick together. Take care.

[mtnbiker3000]

mtn biker, how could you see the flags??? Do you think we all did. Of course not! We were in love and we would have done whatever it took to make it work.

 

Hmmmm. Well, to name a few:

1. She mentioned more than once that if 'I didn't like it', she could just leave.

2. She stated early in the RS that she didn't keep boyfriends for very long.

3. She stated that she just didn't want to be alone. WTF? I guess I am just a placeholder until something better comes along?

4. She never wanted to talk about our RS or fixing any of our issues.

5. She took much more than she gave. In fact she really gave nothing to the RS or me. Yet she always wanted me to provide certain things for her on a regular basis.

6. Took my kindness and generosity for granted and never even really acknowledged it.

Ok, that' s enough for now. Sorry, got started and it was hard to stop

 

Anyway, all red flags if you ask me. But I did nothing.

 

 

Dont be so hard on yourself mate. We all ..... up big time. Now we are here. Lets stick together. Take care.

 

I know. I know. It's so hard not to feel like a complete moron and fool when looking back. We were on such completely different pages, and I just didn't want to see it.

[BC1980]

I so agree. I am thoroughly pissed at her for not being upfront with me about her real feelings for such a long time. Pissed that she let me move across the state to create a life together. Pissed that she let me buy her 2 rings and propose. Pissed that she kept a sham of a relationship going for 3 years. The whole time knowing we were not going to go long term. Keeping me around for her own agenda. Watching me walk towards the ledge and not doing or saying a damn thing to keep me from falling. I knew what I was doing and how I felt, but what the hell was she doing. Damn it makes me mad. Selfish b*tch!!

 

But what's even worse than all of that is why I let this happen? Why I let my life end up the way it is now? Why didn't I address the red flags? Why didn't I demand more? Weak-ass boundaries, low self esteem, self worth, and terrible decision making.

 

I get angry just thinking about the red flags I ignored. They were very subtle for the first year though, so I can't blame myself there. However, for the next 2 years, WTF was I doing? Just ignoring red flag after red flag that was thrown in my face. Giving more and more to convince the other person I was committed.

 

It makes me made because if anyone should have left, it should have been me. I feel like I got the ultimate kick in the face.

[Haydn]

You are not mate. the hurt is the same. Red flags, blue ones? Its makes no difference. We are at this point. I am so glad i found you guys. You MTNbiker have stopped me more than once doing the wrong thing. Take care my friend.

Hmmmm. Well, to name a few:

1. She mentioned more than once that if 'I didn't like it', she could just leave.

2. She stated early in the RS that she didn't keep boyfriends for very long.

3. She stated that she just didn't want to be alone. WTF? I guess I am just a placeholder until something better comes along?

4. She never wanted to talk about our RS or fixing any of our issues.

5. She took much more than she gave. In fact she really gave nothing to the RS or me. Yet she always wanted me to provide certain things for her on a regular basis.

6. Took my kindness and generosity for granted and never even really acknowledged it.

Ok, that' s enough for now. Sorry, got started and it was hard to stop

 

Anyway, all red flags if you ask me. But I did nothing.

 

 

 

 

I know. I know. It's so hard not to feel like a complete moron and fool when looking back. We were on such completely different pages, and I just didn't want to see it.

[mtnbiker3000]

It makes me made because if anyone should have left, it should have been me. I feel like I got the ultimate kick in the face.

 

I think I was afraid to end it because she was so attractive to me and quite a bit younger. And when we first started dating she was so good to me, we had so much fun and she basically seduced me (another red flag ).

 

I'm sure I subconsciously thought I couldn't do better than her. And I, like you, made excuses and justified bad behavior left and right. Also the town we moved too is sketchy at best for potential romantic opportunities, and I didn't want to lose what I thought I had. I guess the reasons are many

[mtnbiker3000]

You are not mate. the hurt is the same. Red flags, blue ones? Its makes no difference. We are at this point. I am so glad i found you guys. You MTNbiker have stopped me more than once doing the wrong thing. Take care my friend.

 

Thanks!! Yes, I too have gotten a lot from this forum and the many wise people who post regularly!! Thank beer it's here, or I wouldn't have made it as far as I have!!

[Vinsanity1307]

Because of how tight you hold onto this. How tight you hold onto her. I don't think you've really let go of this. Particularly since you still see her in an almost superheroine light - she can almost do no wrong.

 

You don't have to think badly of her, but you definitely need to let ho if the notion of how utterly amazing she is. She's just an ordinary person, same as you and me. I feel a small part of you still thinks she might come back. If that's not the intended tone of your posts, fine, but it sure looks like it from here.

 

You are right I see her in a "super heroine light". Still on the pedestal if you will. I know she wont come back cause she knows I was guarded when she hurt me the first time and she came back around. She isnt going to want to "earn" my trust back as she had to do before. Just hard letting go cause with her those were some if not the best moments in my life during that 5 year tenure. Tough and painful

[organizedchaos]

You are right I see her in a "super heroine light". Still on the pedestal if you will. I know she wont come back cause she knows I was guarded when she hurt me the first time and she came back around. She isnt going to want to "earn" my trust back as she had to do before. Just hard letting go cause with her those were some if not the best moments in my life during that 5 year tenure. Tough and painful

 

In your life, so far.

 

You have a lot more time left on this earth to experience more best moments of your life with someone else!

 

This is for you:

 

[Vinsanity1307]

I hope you remain guarded, because a lot of what you post, including this thread, does trend towards an opposite mode of thinking. A belief that begging and pleading is constructive behaviour, I find to be extremely concerning. That points back towards your co-dependent nature, and that's something you need to resolve if you want to have a healthy relationship. If she did come back, I would be terribly concerned about how 'guarded' you could be if she turned on her best manipulative charms.

 

Something to watch out for...

 

 

No I was just vouging that when my ex begged I couldnt stand to see it. Cause I couldnt stand to see someone I loved in that pain. If that makes sense. Trust me I know she isnt coming back as much as I would like her too. Wont happen. what do you mean you would be concerned with my guarding? That i will lower it again?

[Vinsanity1307]

Trust me its been too long...4months...She long forgot about the good times ...So evenwith my guard the past few years I still stood by her during very rough times...and helped as needed...but it felt like I was wearing the pants..she would do or help me if needed....in and out of the bedroom...you still think it was her manipulating me though till things got better for her?

[BC1980]

You are right I see her in a "super heroine light". Still on the pedestal if you will. I know she wont come back cause she knows I was guarded when she hurt me the first time and she came back around. She isnt going to want to "earn" my trust back as she had to do before. Just hard letting go cause with her those were some if not the best moments in my life during that 5 year tenure. Tough and painful

 

I've had a very hard time with this myself. Maybe the hardest if anything really. Forcing myself to see the reality. It's very hard because you keep hoping that they really aren't who they turned out to be. We are up against so many emotions and realizations.

[headinthecloud]

I think I was afraid to end it because she was so attractive to me and quite a bit younger. And when we first started dating she was so good to me, we had so much fun and she basically seduced me (another red flag ).

 

I'm sure I subconsciously thought I couldn't do better than her. And I, like you, made excuses and justified bad behavior left and right. Also the town we moved too is sketchy at best for potential romantic opportunities, and I didn't want to lose what I thought I had. I guess the reasons are many

 

The fear of loneliness drives us to do accept things that we would normally not give a second thought to rejecting under different circumstances. The tough part is forgiving ourselves for being vulnerable and ignoring our self protective instincts.

 

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the compassion that you would show to a friend who did the same. That's what I try to tell myself.

[BC1980]

The fear of loneliness drives us to do accept things that we would normally not give a second thought to rejecting under different circumstances. The tough part is forgiving ourselves for being vulnerable and ignoring our self protective instincts.

 

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the compassion that you would show to a friend who did the same. That's what I try to tell myself.

 

I agree. You really love the person, and they usually aren't terrible people. My ex is, on the surface, a good person. He would give a lot of his money to charities, he always said the right things. Talked a good game. My parents adored him. You want to believe all of it is true.

 

At least we tried and put it all out there. Some people never even try or just become bitter.