It scares me

[Holden]

This may seem like a strange question to ask in a relationship site, but it does relate because it is putting a lot of pressure on my relationship with my byf. The thing is, he drives extremely fast and it scares me half to death. I ask him to slow down, but he just keeps the speed up and reassures me that he knows how to drive and he can handle it. I find this a very stupid male thing to say and do and I'm sick of it. I have no control when I'm in the car with him and I don't feel safe. And just note that when I say fast I mean extremely fast. I drive fairly fast myself so I'm not being 'girlie' when I say its fast - it is too fast!

 

Last week we had a massive fight because he was driving too fast and wouldnt slow so I demanded he stop the car, I got out and wouldnt get back in. He was furious and thought I was being ridiculous and trailed me for about ten minutes before I finally relinquished and got back in. Granted, he did drive me home slowly but the very next time I was in his car he was driving fast again.

 

I know some of you might find this a silly thing to ask for advice about, but please try to understand that I feel very scared every time I'm in the car with him and its already started to cause problems in our relationship. Apart from this one thing, we have never had an argument, so it is a big deal to me. How do you get men to slow down when they are driving? It seems to be a very macho chauvantistic arrogant male thing and I just don't know how to get through to him. I've tried to make it so I drive everywhere but he's very much a mans man and insists he drive. Other than driving in separate cars (which is not very practical or economic alot of the time) I don't know what to do. In advance, if you can help me, thank you very much, I appreciate your advice and your time.

[W.Girl]

It sounds to me like it is more about control than driving. If it upsets you that he drives fast, he should have consideration for your feelings. It is your life! Not to mention everyone else's lives that are at risk with him on the road.

 

Anyways, this sounds like it is the sign of a bigger problem. I had a couple of boyfriends like yours. Not only were they crazy drivers, they were just plain crazy. I would tell them to slow down. They would say the same thing your boyfriend is saying. Things like, "I know what I'm doing." They would try to drive a little better after I said something but I would have to keep reminding them every time I was in the car with them. They would get all pissy every time I said something.

 

How does your boyfriend act around other issues? There may be something else there. I would rethink everything. Does he ignore your feelings when it comes to other things also? Not good. If he doesn't listen to you when you are pleading for him to slow the car down, he may not listen to you when it comes to other things either.

This may seem like a strange question to ask in a relationship site, but it does relate because it is putting a lot of pressure on my relationship with my byf. The thing is, he drives extremely fast and it scares me half to death. I ask him to slow down, but he just keeps the speed up and reassures me that he knows how to drive and he can handle it. I find this a very stupid male thing to say and do and I'm sick of it. I have no control when I'm in the car with him and I don't feel safe. And just note that when I say fast I mean extremely fast. I drive fairly fast myself so I'm not being 'girlie' when I say its fast - it is too fast! Last week we had a massive fight because he was driving too fast and wouldnt slow so I demanded he stop the car, I got out and wouldnt get back in. He was furious and thought I was being ridiculous and trailed me for about ten minutes before I finally relinquished and got back in. Granted, he did drive me home slowly but the very next time I was in his car he was driving fast again. I know some of you might find this a silly thing to ask for advice about, but please try to understand that I feel very scared every time I'm in the car with him and its already started to cause problems in our relationship. Apart from this one thing, we have never had an argument, so it is a big deal to me. How do you get men to slow down when they are driving? It seems to be a very macho chauvantistic arrogant male thing and I just don't know how to get through to him. I've tried to make it so I drive everywhere but he's very much a mans man and insists he drive. Other than driving in separate cars (which is not very practical or economic alot of the time) I don't know what to do. In advance, if you can help me, thank you very much, I appreciate your advice and your time.

[Tony T]

It's totally unnecessary to go into a lot of analysis about what his motives are. You are in grave danger of losing your life. As a former newspaper and television reporter, I made it to the scene or more than my share of twisted, mangled automobiles containing bodies of human beings slaughtered beyond recognition because of HIGH SPEED.

 

No matter why your boyfriend is doing this, YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE HERE. YES, THE ONLY PRECIOUS LIFE YOU WILL EVERY HAVE ON THIS PLANET. HE COULD END IF FOR YOU VERY QUICKLY...AT ANYTIME!!!

 

Many young people who speed in their cars have no comprehension of death or its permanency. They don't understand that a driver crossing their path may not properly judge their speed properly and cross right in front of them. Death is a forever thing. Disfigurement is premanent. Brain damage is permanent. Being a veggie on life support is permanent until the plug is pulled. Death is lights out FOREVER, NO COMING BACK!!!

 

This guy doesn't care whether you are dead or alive mostly because he doesn't care about himself. Sure, it may not be his fault he doesn't care because he is just stupid. But after reading this, YOU DO KNOW.

 

So if you get back in the car with him, it is no longer his fault. It is yours and the consequences of his speeding to you with you in his car is YOUR responsiblity. If you die or become severely injured or permanently disabled, you will have NOBODY to blame but yourself because YOU got into his car after being duly warned...by your own inner senses and by these posts.

 

You are very right and proper in your fear. Death and disfigurement are REAL...not only to you but to innocent people who may be in a speeder's path.

 

A man driving his girlfriend at frightening, excessive, illegal rates of speed is not just a great reason to kiss is ass goodbye forever...it is THOUSANDS of great reasons to do so.

 

And forget about taking separate cars. That's a lot of bunk. Why would you be dating him? The guy's likely to be in jail for manslaughter or dead himself in a few years...or any minute in between. You don't need to share your life with a guy whose days are numbered because of his disrespect for his own life.

 

I'm so glad you posted here. If you don't have enough good reasons not to ever get in a car with this guy again, post again and I'll give it another go.

 

If he's got money, make sure you're in his will. It's too bad his organs will be too messed up to use for transplants.

[strawberry]

What a loser.. Call the cops and tell them there is a maniac driver on the loose. Does he ever get speeding tickets?

 

Honestly, how old is this guy? He should respect your wishes while your in his car, he's putting your life in danger. If he cant then i suggest you consider breaking up with him. Or at least threaten him. Ask him this.

 

How would he feel if he knew that his reckless driving was the cause of your death. Or in a wheelchair because your paralyzed, all because he feels the need to drive fast.

 

Maybe that will wake him up.

[Juds]

You say that this is the only thing you fight about. Well if the rest of your relationship is TRULY as good as you say it is, then I would simply REFUSE to get in the car with him AT ALL. At some point he needs to learn that what he is doing is life threatening to himself, you and other innocent people.

 

I would be quite concerned about his lack of consideration of your feelings. If he doesn't listen to you about something as important as your life and your safety, then is he REALLY listening to your other concerns?

 

Tell him to grow up!! I have been to several car accident funerals in my time, and it is a TRAGEDY that most of these deaths could have been prevented. Don't let your immature bf make you yet another statistic.

 

Stand up to him, for your own sake and his. If he wants to kill himself, then let him, just don't go along for the ride.

[Dragonflys]

Yes

 

This is the attitude to irresponsible idiots all should have.

 

I don't want my life or anyone elses destroyed by one of them.

[WGirl]

This post made me think of it. A girl I was friends

 

with a few years ago used to ride on the back of her

 

boyfriend's motorbike and he used to do like 90 down the highway and scare the hell out of her. I said, "girl you are crazy for getting on that bike." Once would be enough for me.

 

Her boyfriend turned out to be a real ass. They were supposed to get married and then he ended up cheating

 

on her.

This may seem like a strange question to ask in a relationship site, but it does relate because it is putting a lot of pressure on my relationship with my byf. The thing is, he drives extremely fast and it scares me half to death. I ask him to slow down, but he just keeps the speed up and reassures me that he knows how to drive and he can handle it. I find this a very stupid male thing to say and do and I'm sick of it. I have no control when I'm in the car with him and I don't feel safe. And just note that when I say fast I mean extremely fast. I drive fairly fast myself so I'm not being 'girlie' when I say its fast - it is too fast! Last week we had a massive fight because he was driving too fast and wouldnt slow so I demanded he stop the car, I got out and wouldnt get back in. He was furious and thought I was being ridiculous and trailed me for about ten minutes before I finally relinquished and got back in. Granted, he did drive me home slowly but the very next time I was in his car he was driving fast again. I know some of you might find this a silly thing to ask for advice about, but please try to understand that I feel very scared every time I'm in the car with him and its already started to cause problems in our relationship. Apart from this one thing, we have never had an argument, so it is a big deal to me. How do you get men to slow down when they are driving? It seems to be a very macho chauvantistic arrogant male thing and I just don't know how to get through to him. I've tried to make it so I drive everywhere but he's very much a mans man and insists he drive. Other than driving in separate cars (which is not very practical or economic alot of the time) I don't know what to do. In advance, if you can help me, thank you very much, I appreciate your advice and your time.

[sparkle]

Holden,

 

One thing I don't understand...WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS GUY? I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you and shake you and shake you until I knock some common sense into you. If there's anything..and i mean ANYTHING..that bothers you in a relationship, it is your responsibility to LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW and to get out of it ASAP if your partner will not listen to you.

 

About the driving, tell him once...and very firmly and seriously..the next time you drive faster than i like, it's over between us. No if's, and's or but's about it. You have to stand up for yourself.

 

I was there when a friend of mine's car flipped over a few times and crashed upside down after he was down about 90 around a curve. I was there when I walked up to his car and saw a big mess of my friend with a cracked skull and guts hanging out mixed with metal and glass and blood.

 

trust me, it is the worst thing i've seen. If you choose to ride with this guy even ONE more time, you are basically saying that you don't care if this same thing happens to you.

 

This disgusts me...

[Rachel]

Holden, I agree with many of the posts on here.

 

1. In life, you must pick your battles. Girlfriend, you need to PICK this one. This is not one to sit out on. This is not an argument on what to eat for dinner.

 

2. This guy is NOT showing you the respect you deserve. YOu need to ask yourself why you are not upset about this.

 

3. I think this is strictly a control issue. He is thinking he wants to prove no one can tell him what to do. That is pure bull***t.

 

4. Read ALL of the above posts several times again.

 

I think you need to ask for a few days time off and re examine this whole situation.'

 

Good luck. Your life IS in danger.

[Holden]

First off, thankyou to all the responses I received. I was extremely glad that you all agreed with me in that what he was doing was pathetic. Alot of your responses were very strong and definitely changed my thinking from that of the relationship to that of my life.

 

I did the one thing I could think of to do to get through to my byf. I showed him these posts. His first reaction was anger because he thinks I am over-reacting to what speed he drives, which I already knew. Just a note here, this is reinforced by his mates as they give him crap about his gf wanting him to slow down. But then they all drive like idiots too, as they are all a bunch of arrogant boys. Then he reread the posts and his second response was to say "I know all about road crashes, my friend died in a road crash, and I don't intend to do the same. I drive at the speed I'm comfortable with, and thats the speed I can handle the car at". So in other words, just the usual.

 

So I pointed out where you guys had mentioned that he doesnt care about my feelings, or have respect for me (because that was something I felt strongly about already and which hurt me), or how would he feel if he injured or killed me. That was the only thing that he hesitated at. We had a long talk and basically it ended up with me issuing an ultimatum - slow down or we break up.

 

He said he would slow down.

 

I don't know if he will. I mean, I've asked him so many times before to do this, but he ends up speeding again soon after. So, I'll give him one more chance - THE VERY NEXT TIME he speeds and I'm in the car, that is it, I know that I will break up with him immediately. I have no hestitation on this anymore. Your strong worded posts jolted my mind - it is my life! He has no right to have control over whether I live or die! No more second chances, and I've made this very clear.

 

The comment on whether he has ever got speeding tickets, no he has never got a ticket. He's very adept at knowing where all the speed cameras are, and seems to be able to spot a cop from miles away. Mores the pity, it would certainly teach him if he got a ticket! And I have thought about calling the cops on him, but my sister actually has and they were too understaffed to do anything about it. Besides as soon as they came into view, he'd slow down and they wouldnt be able to do anything anyway.

 

About the comments about maniacs on the road like him being a threat not only to myself, but to other people. Well, regardless of whether I'm in the car with him or not, of whether I'm his gf or not, he will still speed. Me breaking up with him will not cure his speeding, of that I'm sure.

 

The only chance of him slowing down is something I will find out soon. If he does make an effort to keep his speed down from now on, like he promised, then I'll know he has finally thought about why I'm scared and what other people think he is - ie: an idiot. After all, its one thing having one person, his gf, saying 'slow down', its another to have people who dont even know him telling him to slow down also. I think (I hope) that it has made him think more - because it certainly has made me. I don't want to end up dead because he was too arrogant to slow down around a corner. Thank you to all of you.

[Tony T]

I pray that this one last chance you are giving him does not cost you your life. This guy sounds like he may have an unconscious deathwish...or he may be suicidal.

 

People don't drive like he does if they are sane. His anger when he is shown these posts is very telling of a disturbance of some sort. I've been around a lot of crazy people.

[Rachel]

Holden;

 

I know relationships are complicated but don't make this issue one.

 

I think you need to set some ground rules, and in order to do that you need to be clear about one thing:

 

Slowing down, means the speed limit.

 

Ask him if he will drive the "SPEED LIMIT" when you are in the car. See what he says.

 

If he says, I'll drive safely, but the speed limit is a joke, then you have your answer.

 

That means again, that he is not paying attention to your wishes, and he is trying to impose "his" idea of what is safe. It also shows that he thinks the Law is a joke. The law is for everyone.

 

Please keep us posted.