Global Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 I am interested in separating from my wife of 22 years, mainly because we have grown apart and just argue too, too much. I don't want it to end this way, but I want to separate for a few months so we can get peace and maybe try to work things out from a new beginning. If we make it back together, great! I really do love the lady, but she is just too much of a pain to deal with at the moment. If we end up not making it, at least we will know we have tried. Yes, we have been to marital counseling and I have been to individual counseling and this is the option that I want, but she does not see it that way. Have any of you been able to convince your spouse that separation may in fact be the best way to save the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 There is nothing to "sell". If you want out, you just need to pick up and go. You're looking for your spouse to agree to it so the burden of separation is not all on you. And this part doesn't make sense to me. If we end up not making it, at least we will know we have tried. Separating is not "working on it." It's separating to end it. Don't kid yourself that if you separate and it doesn't work out, you can sit back and say "well, at least I tried." Trying it working on the relationship. Separating is ending it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 The statistics of marriages surviving separations are few-and-far-between. If you truly want to work on your marriage, than separating isn't usually the way to do it. There is no "selling" another on this process. If you are tired of working on the marriage, than just move out. That will start a whole other process in your partner's mind and the relationship will change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Have any of you been able to convince your spouse that separation may in fact be the best way to save the marriage? Would you be doing this under false premises so you can ease your way out the door? Maybe if you were more specific about how you see the logistics of separating "for a few months so we can get peace and maybe try to work things out", you'd get more and better feedback... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 It sounds like what you really need is some space to process things and reconnect with yourself so that you can figure out what you want. You can do that in the marriage. Make time for yourself. Go out. Take on hobbies. Work out. Whatever you want to do for YOU. Explain to your wife that you are taking a break from arguing and trying to solve problems in your marriage, and that you aren't going to argue with her. Then don't. Listen to her, but don't argue back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Have any of you been able to convince your spouse that separation may in fact be the best way to save the marriage? Our MC opined that people separate to get divorced. That was one MC's opinion and generality. Separation isn't a car. One doesn't sell it. One does it. IMO, if you've been to MC and you're talking separation, just file for divorce. Why get bogged down in the emotional drama of who's doing what and 'the rules' of separation and oh baby I miss you, etc, etc, presuming you don't prefer dramatic relationships. I mean I enjoyed watching Liz (Taylor) and Dick (Burton) yell at each other and give each other the finger and then divorce and get back together later and remarry and divorce again but that was entertainment for me, not something I'd want to live. My parents marriage, strong and steady until death, was my ideal. No drama. Each person's needs are different. If you want to leave, do it. This weekend. Be decisive. Craigslist has hundreds of apartments and houses for rent. Maybe the space will be what you and she need. Maybe not. It's clear what's going on now isn't working, or you wouldn't be asking how to sell separation. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 I agree with the others, trying to "sell" the idea of separation is pointless. If you need to get away from her to let the dust settle and to clear your head, just do it. Don't try to get her to buy into it. I think the big thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself on what you want this separation to accomplish. If deep down you are wanting reconciliation and for the marriage to work and for you two to have a happy and healthy marriage, it is generally not a good idea to separate. Separation creates distance and teaches people how to live on their own and how to take steps to move on with their life without their spouse. Is that really your end goal??? If that is actually your end goal, are you just trying to get your wife to buy off on the separation so you can start moving on but while trying to sell her a Bill of Goods under the guise of "trying to save the marriage"???? If so that is dishonest, unfair, manipulative and fraudulent. If that is the case, she will be holding on to some hope and doing things in hopes of repairing the marriage while you are off starting to make a new life for yourself and moving on. Bad Ju-Ju. If you are wanting to repair and reconcile the marriage then work on repairing and reconciling the marriage from within the marital home. As an earlier poster said, you can draw a line in the sand on what you will and will not bicker and argue over but be clear on what you are fighting for and what you are wanting to accomplish. If you really are done with the marriage and wanting to get out, then start making an exit plan and get a lawyer and an accountant and start working on moving on with your life. .... but just start doing it, don't try to manipulate her into buying off on it and supporting it if she doesn't support it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Global Posted November 22, 2013 Author Share Posted November 22, 2013 Is that really your end goal??? If that is actually your end goal, are you just trying to get your wife to buy off on the separation so you can start moving on but while trying to sell her a Bill of Goods under the guise of "trying to save the marriage"???? If so that is dishonest, unfair, manipulative and fraudulent. [/Quote] No, that is not the goal -- and I agree that such a plan would be highly manipulative. Honestly, I don't know what the goal is. I just want to get away to think for a while. She likes to think while standing in my face, so there is almost no way to get peace and quiet while here at home. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to split yet, but I need time to sort it all out. Perhaps I need to rethink this altogether. Thanks for the advice, all. Link to post Share on other sites
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