She started crying suddenly.

[Universe]

quick details of my story: togeth 5 years, apart over 3 months, I tried to get back together after a month of NC and found out she had started sleeping with an older guy, she said she loved me and not him, I bolted, got my head together, got comfortable with myself, decided I still loved her and wanted her back, after a cooling off period we went on four dates in as many weeks but did not call them dates, we had a great time together and it was all fun and comfortable and I exuded a lot of confidence, I never contacted her during that time except mutually to make plans for our "dates", the forth "date" was fun and comfortable until the end of the night when we were both really drunk and were sort of out of sorts and I started to feel a little hurt and confused.

 

so...

 

A week before christmas I resolved not to contact my ex anymore unless provoked. Spending time with her had been really fun and comfortable, but it started to make me confused and hurt. So my instincts told me to stop. I was a little anxious about x-mas because I knew she'd probably want to exchange gifts. She called me a couple days before and we played phone tag through x-mas until yesterday when we finally met up. We had lunch together and it was very confortable and nice. We had a lot to talk about as usual.

Then we went out to her car to exchange gifts and said our goodbyes. After a good long tight hug, which is how we've been parting since the break, she started crying. My heart jumped out of my chest. I hated seeing her cry. But it was also the first real unprovoked display of her feelings for me since we broke up. She had said that she'd written me 8 letters since we broke up but could give me any of them. She had one with my x-mas gift but took it out at the last second and told me so when she started crying.

We didn't get back together and I didn't even bring it up. But we talked for a while longer then went and got coffee nearby and talked for another 3 hours or so. She mostly talked about her problems and stuff and I tried to give advice and insight. I feel very strong and wise right now. She told me that she can't talk to anyone else the way she talks to me and that she feels really alone. She feels like all her friends here are shallow and that her job is making her feel shallow. She does a fluff column for a weekly magazine. She's actually made quite a name for herself. But the content is pretty light for someone of her intelligence and education. She feels like it's making her shallow and it's stifling her fiction writing.

After she seemingly did not want to part for most of the afternoon and was prolonging the meeting more than I was, she kindof suddenly wanted to part. It was getting a little late and we both had things to do. But something definitely got inside her head and made her want to leave me. I took it in stride and did not try to make her stay.

Don't mean to overload you with details. But now I'm really getting the big picture and it's not comforting. Basically, she wants to leave this town soon. She doesn't know where she wants to go or what to do exactly. She wants to write fiction. But that's pretty vague. I think she really loves me and doesn't want to leave me, but she probably feels that she can't get where she's going in life while attached to me. I can understand that. I was even encouraging her, without hesitation, to quit her job and leave here.

But the other thing that hit me is that while I was sitting there with her, I starting falling in love with her all over again. Granted, I was already in love with her and already wanted us to get back together. But it felt intense like when I fell in love with her in the begginning. I don't think I had felt so intensely connected with her before. And yet, we're still apart. I really started to feel like we might get back together. But I did not, and will not bring up or press the issue.

I feel like if I really love her, I should send her off to wherever she wants to go; unattached so she can have all the experiences that she can possibly have. We're so young to be weighing each other down. But of course I'm afraid if I do that that we will never be together again. Lives take twists and turns and end up in places from which there is no return.

 

I plan to continue not contacting her unless she calls, but I'm just really worried about her. She's obviously very confused and hurt and doesn't quite no how to see her way through all of this. I want so much to help her, but I know I can't push. I don't want to confuse her anymore than she already is. I want to be there for her, but I don't want her to walk on me, even if she is doing so inadvertantly.

 

So I'm back to NC. I just wish there was something I could do. I guess I'm doing it by leaving her alone and working on my own issues.

 

What do you guys think? Does anyone care? or am I just rambling again?

[smile]

Wow you're right, our stories are kinda similiar. My ex did that same thing. He was warm and then just broke down. Said he didnt know if he wanted to play music anymore, if he wanted to live here anymore, didnt know who he was and had no idea if he even liked what he had become or who he was around. I thought it was a guy thing.... you know lacking that whole ritual into manhood thing too many options what do I do type of thing.That lasted the first 4 months of him being home. Now we are in month 5.

 

Anyway I just want to say that I commend you on being able to give her advice that focuses more on her well being than what you want from her. It seems like its gonna be hard when you think about it, but in the moment doesnt it seem like there is no other option? I dunno if that makes sense but it shows how much you care about her, I think she sees it too.

 

Like my ex, she goes to you for that emotional support. Some people call it a crutch but I am not sure I believe that. If you had a close relationship you probably know her better than anyone else and she feels safer with you .. being that honest. That kind of trust is the basis of any great relationship... friend lover or whatever.

 

I agree I think she cares about you, loves you even... but she needs to get herself together. You are so wonderful for seeing that. So many ppl want to punish their exs or want them to fee bad. Then they wonder why they arent getting back together. If you truly love someone I dont see how you could be cruel or unresponsive to their emotional needs..... she appreciates that.

[Universe]

Gosh.

 

Thank you so much for that.

 

I really appreciate your response.