My new Husband cheated on me when we were engaged.

[ccwt]

Hi, here's my story, I'm new here, it's a little long and probably written in a terrible english (I am a foreigner)

 

We've been in a LDR for about 6 years, I'm french was studying, he's american and was working across the Atlantic. We met online through a friend and 1st IRL in London. we were both in difficult moments in our lives and we sort of helped each other. I fell in love pretty quickly, thought he was the prefect match for me ; he liked me but was more "cautious".

 

We've been on and off during all those years, the distance being a real hardship.But we kept going back at each other gradually, first talking to each other again on a friend basis, then saying we want to see each other again and getting plane tix.

 

One of those time, about three years ago, I came for three months, but discovered upon coming that he had become a pick-up artist. Basically it's groups of men mostly (there are a few women now) who try to apply systematic tactics to get women to sleep with them, for some men it's more than that, it's how to handle a relationship or a marriage...

 

When I was in the US with him I discovered more of this new thing of his and hated it. It seemed to me that he'd become hateful and revengeful toward amercian women that he called spoiled, a cold blooded player. Well that was my opinion at the time.

 

We came around that, it took me long, but with time he convinced me he wasn't that horrid man I pictured but just a lonely man who didn't really understand women or relationships.

 

We were again talking about getting back together, he wanted me to visit but I was tired of this dynamic, then what? We'd break up again?

 

Then he proposed, out of the blue. I told him he didn't mean that. He said he was tired of the pick up artist game, he had needed that for a while, that it improved his social skills, that it helped him but that he was done. I was the one, he knew it all along but wasn't ready before, but now thanks to the PUA he realized I was exactly right for him etc.

 

I said yes. After that I went through many doubts toward this decision, not trusting him in my guts. But eventually I went to marry him.

 

NOW, yesterday I discovered at the time he proposed he was dating a girl. A nice girl to whom however he'd said he couldn't fall in love with her. Because at the time we were talking back to each other, still in love...

 

As I said he proposed on an impulse, so he ended up being engaged while dating another girl.

 

He told me he had tried to let her down gently, she was working in another state, but had planned to visit him, already bought the tix. He says he offered to give her a refund, she insisted on coming. And so she came to his house and he claims he was still trying to let her down gently, they had sex but he told her it didn't change anything. He never let her know he was engaged, or just, in love with someone else.

 

He swears at the time, as weird as it sounds, he thought it was the best way to handle the mess he'd put himself in. That the sex wasn't planned that he was trying to not hurt her feeling too bad bcs she was really in love with him.

 

As a result I am the one who bears the hurt and shame. He promises that it was the only time, that he is really commited to this marriage, that he loves only me and that he means to be faithful.

 

I used to believe he was going to be faithful and a good husband. I don't really know if I believe him and his story now. I wonder if I have married a disgusting piece of **** or if he's just a man with flaws...I just don't trust him at all now.

 

Before that thing, I thought this marriage was perfect despite disagreements here and there, quarrels... Couple stuff I thought. I thought he was a wonderful man, the best for me.

 

If you have any comments, we've been married 14 days. I am so sad.

[CherryT]

Leave him. You knew in your gut well before you married him that you couldn't trust him. He's shown you time and time again that he's not worthy of your commitment.

 

You need to increase the love you have for yourself and don't let someone who cheated on you play the victim. You deserve more than that. If he wanted to let her down gently, why have sex with her? If he honestly did not want a relationship, why lead it on to the point she invested in a plane ticket? Do not believe him. Find a man who is loyal.

[d0nnivain]

You married him. Getting out is not that easy at this point.

 

I think you two have a lot of talking to do. A marriage counselor may help.

I know I'd need a lot of trust & reassurance at this point: I would want to see his e-mails, & cell phone etc. He'd really have to work. If he isn't willing to do that, your next call should be to a lawyer.

[soccerrprp]

ccwt,

 

I am sooo sorry for your experience. This is guy is a creep. Everything you've shared indicates a habitual player and con-artist. He is playing you and I personally recommend that you end it now. Get a divorce or as soon as you can and don't look back. His past, his present shows a man of certain sleaziness. Before you have children or become even more invested, I would drop him. That's me.

 

But, for you, perhaps giving him some time to prove his words. Though he clearly already cheated on you. I say leave him.

[ccwt]

I hope that he hasn't got an evil core, that he has just made bad choices.

I invested so much of time, 6 years of my life. I cannot believe I have been such a complete fool.

 

I did something probably crazy, I wrote to the "other girl" Trying to reach her to talk to her. I told him I did. He said it was cruel to this girl. I told him he had been the one to be cruel and that she might, just like me, want to know.

 

I guess I am standing too close to see him properly bcs I cannot figure if he's just a man who did bad things without really realizing, or if he is just evil to the core.

[soccerrprp]

I hope that he hasn't got an evil core, that he has just made bad choices.

I invested so much of time, 6 years of my life. I cannot believe I have been such a complete fool.

 

I did something probably crazy, I wrote to the "other girl" Trying to reach her to talk to her. I told him I did. He said it was cruel to this girl. I told him he had been the one to be cruel and that she might, just like me, want to know.

 

I guess I am standing too close to see him properly bcs I cannot figure if he's just a man who did bad things without really realizing, or if he is just evil to the core.

 

This guy made conscious, voluntary choices to use this girl. Premeditated...He used her as he had other women within his sleazy group of players. No. this just about making mistakes. He cons, lures people for his enjoyment and ego. Come on, he told you that he slept with this woman and never told her he was seeing you. He's used her and conning you now....get out.

 

And yes, when you're too close, you don't see the whole picture....not objective enough.

[Spectre]

You should leave him, who proposes to someone while they are dating someone else? Completely disrespectful, this man clearly does not love you. You deserve better, be glad you haven't had kids or anything yet with him and go find a good guy, they do exist.

 

As for you saying you hope he doesn't have an "evil" core. I don't think he does, but I definitely think he can't possibly love you. That more or less makes staying married pointless.

[CarrieT]

He doesn't have an evil core. He has no spine whatsoever...

 

File for an annulment and don't look back. Sure, you've given six years - but how will it feel when you have given 16, you have a kid or two, and you find out he hasn't given up his philandering ways?

[soccerrprp]

As per "evil" core. None of us know for certain, but his actions were deliberate, to use, to hurt, to manipulate....I guess i don't know what evil is then.

[CherryT]

I hope that he hasn't got an evil core, that he has just made bad choices.

I invested so much of time, 6 years of my life. I cannot believe I have been such a complete fool.

 

I did something probably crazy, I wrote to the "other girl" Trying to reach her to talk to her. I told him I did. He said it was cruel to this girl. I told him he had been the one to be cruel and that she might, just like me, want to know.

 

I guess I am standing too close to see him properly bcs I cannot figure if he's just a man who did bad things without really realizing, or if he is just evil to the core.

 

His response to you telling the other girl is clear that he doesn't take accountability for his own actions. You are right, he is the one who is cruel. He hurt her and you.

 

When he told you that he wanted to let her down gently, why? What made him so caring all of a sudden when he formed, developed and nurtured a relationship he knew was wrong. He knew he was engaged and yet he developed a relationship where the other girl felt it was worth her investment of money and time to travel to him. When he wanted to let her down gently, he lured her in more by sleeping with her. This is exactly what he wanted to do and all his actions from years ago say that he is capable of consciously making these choices. They aren't "mistakes", he meant to do them.

 

To me, his antics shows that he has no respect, love, or much regard for you. To me, his responses show arrogance that he doesn't think you respect yourself to walk away. How can someone who created this mess say it's cruel of you to confront the other woman.

[ccwt]

I am copying the answer. Just erasing names.

 

c,

 

i don't think you're a lunatic.

 

i do recall w saying he fell in love with a woman from france some time ago, but he spoke about it in a very past tense nostalgic way. i had no idea he was still talking to you during our relationship - let alone that he had proposed.

 

we went on a trip with his friends to wisconsin in february and i visited him in atl in march. i ended things with him shortly after my visit to atl. we talked kids, meeting each other's families, and the future, etc. but he was still firmly against moving or changing his lifestyle - plus his level of communication with me, when i wasn't physically with him, was unacceptable.

 

reading your email, it now makes sense why he might've become so distant towards the end. as for him proposing, i'm just shocked he did so to any woman at all. he was staunchly anti-marriage whenever it came up.

 

i'm pretty happy with my life right now and just wish you and him the best. that said, if you have any burning questions i will answer them as best i can. i'm not sure it's a good idea to ask them, though. if you accepted the proposal, you must love him deeply. digging up the past likely won't change all that.

 

did he do us wrong? yes. am i surprised? not particularly. w is just w. he's an enormous ******* but he is also very charming and loveable. i'd chalk all of this up to one of his more assholic moments.

 

i hope you have a good day today inspite of all of this.

 

cheers,

 

d

[Woggle]

I would leave him and be done with it. If a person can't stay faithful before marriage they sure won't stay faithful after it. Don't waste anymore time on him.

[d0nnivain]

Wow -- she sounds like a very level headed women with her S**T together. You got lucky.

 

Somewhere in her response, I think you can see some level of commitment by him to you but it's microscopic.

 

There is some small chance that his infidelity is a function of distance. Because you weren't there it was easier for him to cheat. However, the fact remains that he cheated on his fiance, not just his GF. The legal status of the relationship doesn't change the pain for the person who was betrayed but sometimes the legal status may make someone think twice about their actions. There is enough activity on here about MM/MW & AP to know that a marriage doesn't change everyone.

 

Again, if you two are going to move past this you will need professional help & if it were me, I'd need to see a lot of work on his part to regain my trust. BTW, has he said he was sorry for this mess? Without that there is no point in going forward.

[Grumpybutfun]

ccwt:

I think that letter gives you all the proof you need to know that your H is a philanderer and a player. Annulment as soon as possible. Players do not change. They do not turn into good guys. They are always opportunistic and that is why marrying one went against your instincts. Listen to your instincts in the future and don't date players. I am a man and have known many men who are players and they are players regardless of a ring on their finger. When I was in the military I would see this all the time. They were the first ones on deployment to head for the brothels or to pick up hookers on the streets. They always had girlfriends and laughed about how their wives were stupid or duped while showing no respect for the mothers of their children. Don't spend one more day with this creep.

Talk to a lawyer, asap,

Grumpy

[soccerrprp]

he's an enormous ******* but he is also very charming and loveable. i'd chalk all of this up to one of his more assholic moments.

 

I am always w/o words to how people tend to dismiss CLEAR signs of negative character flaws by myopically trying to remind themselves of the characteristics that should be a mainstay of a good, decent person. Charming and loveable should be a given, an expectation...not something exceptional.

 

To ignore his crappy flaws is to place yourself in jeopardy.

[CherryT]

There is some small chance that his infidelity is a function of distance. Because you weren't there it was easier for him to cheat.

 

I don't believe this. As someone who is engaged and to be married and had our relationship started in LD… there's really no excuse for someone who thinks it is morally OK to cheat on their partner. Especially one they proposed to spend the rest of their life with. I'm also someone who could never look past that.

 

Yes there's a very slim chance that cheaters can change, but it's not like it happened so fast and it was a terrible mistake that he is extremely remorseful of. He deliberately created a relationship and spoke about his fiancé and now wife in the past tense when she was very much in the present. Reading some of the infidelity threads where people have admitting to making huge mistakes have, for the most part, been open about their marital status. The OM/OW were aware that it was an affair.

 

I agree with Grumpybutfun. The letter is really all you need to see. He clearly spent time nurturing that relationship and making her believe that there was a potential future. He talked to her about kids, marriage, etc. He was flakey with his communication when he was on with you and then came back and charmed her. Exactly like Grumpybutfun said… the men he saw in the military would laugh about how stupid their girlfriends and wives were if they didn't know or had any idea. You know. Make the right decision for yourself.

Edited November 20, 2013 by CherryT

[ccwt]

Well all of you say might be very true.

 

As for now I want to live it time before I make any decision. And as to how I plan to proceed. I asked a little more details to the other woman. To know exactly how things happened. I plan to confront him with his lies. Because he swore it was that one time with her, but it is clear to me it's a pile of BS.

 

I have abandoned everything to come live with him and now getting a normal life back will be a long battle for me. I basically screwed any potential career I had, for him. So building everything from scratch will be a LONG road.

 

However I think I haven't got much choice.

 

Had he actually come clean, I mean completely and honestly, he might have stood a chance. But it seems more likely he concealed the whole story trying to make it look like a big terrible blunder, rather than the plain betrayal it really is.

 

From what he said, she insisted on coming though he ended things, and he swore he only cheated one time. But just reading D's message make it clear that it's not exactly how things happened...

 

It is partly my fault, being insecure, I just ignored all the signs that he was a loss of my time. I always underestimated how a low self esteem can put you in such a terrible position... My bad. I could have avoided this and the shame of going back home divorced after not even a month of marriage, after announcing how happy I was to my whole family... Grrrr what a hdfskfghjghshk

[soccerrprp]

Well all of you say might be very true.

 

As for now I want to live it time before I make any decision. And as to how I plan to proceed. I asked a little more details to the other woman. To know exactly how things happened. I plan to confront him with his lies. Because he swore it was that one time with her, but it is clear to me it's a pile of BS.

 

I have abandoned everything to come live with him and now getting a normal life back will be a long battle for me. I basically screwed any potential career I had, for him. So building everything from scratch will be a LONG road.

 

However I think I haven't got much choice.

 

Had he actually come clean, I mean completely and honestly, he might have stood a chance. But it seems more likely he concealed the whole story trying to make it look like a big terrible blunder, rather than the plain betrayal it really is.

 

From what he said, she insisted on coming though he ended things, and he swore he only cheated one time. But just reading D's message make it clear that it's not exactly how things happened...

 

It is partly my fault, being insecure, I just ignored all the signs that he was a loss of my time. I always underestimated how a low self esteem can put you in such a terrible position... My bad. I could have avoided this and the shame of going back home divorced after not even a month of marriage, after announcing how happy I was to my whole family... Grrrr what a hdfskfghjghshk

 

 

SORRY, ccwt. Let us know how you fair and keep us in mind if you need a sounding board, advice, thoughts..

[nomadic_butterfly]

Well all of you say might be very true.

 

As for now I want to live it time before I make any decision. And as to how I plan to proceed. I asked a little more details to the other woman. To know exactly how things happened. I plan to confront him with his lies. Because he swore it was that one time with her, but it is clear to me it's a pile of BS.

 

I have abandoned everything to come live with him and now getting a normal life back will be a long battle for me. I basically screwed any potential career I had, for him. So building everything from scratch will be a LONG road.

 

However I think I haven't got much choice.

 

Had he actually come clean, I mean completely and honestly, he might have stood a chance. But it seems more likely he concealed the whole story trying to make it look like a big terrible blunder, rather than the plain betrayal it really is.

 

From what he said, she insisted on coming though he ended things, and he swore he only cheated one time. But just reading D's message make it clear that it's not exactly how things happened...

 

It is partly my fault, being insecure, I just ignored all the signs that he was a loss of my time. I always underestimated how a low self esteem can put you in such a terrible position... My bad. I could have avoided this and the shame of going back home divorced after not even a month of marriage, after announcing how happy I was to my whole family... Grrrr what a hdfskfghjghshk

 

WOW. This is ridiculous on a million and one levels. Please heed everyone's warning and get an annulment. After that, seek therapy to come to grips with this situation. It hurts to lose 6 yrs but it will hurt even more to "grin and bear it" only to find he continues his unscrupulous ways years down the line. He has absolutely no respect for himself or anyone else. It sounds like had she not dumped him, he might have possibly reneged his engagement to you.

 

People like this need a lot of help. First they have to admit that their behavior is unacceptable, then they have to desire to want to change it and then they have to take action. It takes time for change. He was planning to keep this from you until God knows when. If you won't annul, at least separate. He will not respect you if he does not have consequence. Human being need a sense of consequence to take responsibility and for restoration. Tell him you need time to think and separate. If you take him back, DO NOT do it right away and let him regain your trust first.

 

To be honest, she may have been one of many. Are you two in the same place right now? If not, I am sorry but the hope is very very very marginal. He has no empathy for anyone else but himself, lacks temperance, scruples, respect, honesty, integrity, etc. We all have propensity for good and evil but we choose what to let dominate. I am not the creator so I cannot judge his heart but we can certainly go by his actions and say he isn't exactly an exemplary man. Never ever marry again to someone whom you have doubts about and who exudes behavior that can be detrimental to a marriage like this guy who showed his ways even before engagement.

[d0nnivain]

Leave the poor OW out of it. Really, she did the classy thing by responding to you in a polite manner but don't press on her continued willingness to help you.

[FitChick]

I think there are specific rules for annulment vs divorce. Google the info and see if this is something you can do without a lawyer or from France. Even if it's divorce, since there is no community property or kids, it should be quick and easy. Legalzoom.com has all kinds of legal forms I think. Not sure but I always hear their ads on the radio.

[old]

Cut your losses.

[NoMoreJerks]

So she insisted on coming over despite his attempts at telling her she wasn't welcome? And then, she slipped and magically fell onto his penis?

 

RUN, don't walk.

 

The whole long distance thing (with the OW too) is a big red flag. This guy appears to be a jerk who plays with women via LD , and isn't really interested in actual commitment (hence why men like this only get "serious" with women LD, because they can keep you at arm's length ).

 

I'm surprised you actually married him after what seemed like only a few months spent together....

[Spectre]

I find your husbands story about cheating to be...well, bullsh*t. He says he told this woman not to come here and offered to pay to refund her plane tickets. But she still comes? That is weird, it makes me think he didn't really tell her not to come. Then she shows up at his house and he feels the only way to get rid of her is to have sex with her? Wow, what a brazen thing to say to someone you are supposedly in love with. If you are with someone then there is never ever ever a good reason to sleep with someone else.

 

So this is all pretty messed up, there is no way this man is in love with you. No way in hell.

 

I am curious though you said he claimed he only slept with her once, but then you talked to the other woman and now you believe he is lying. What did she say to you? Did she confirm it happened more then once? How many times did it happen?

[regine_phalange]

Don't even think about staying. If you stay, your gut and your dignity are going to punish you... for life. Deception (because that's what it is) is too great a burden. It will drive you crazy, because you will always expect the worse. You won't know what is true and what not. And when he cheats again, tragically, it will be something that won't shock you. Somehow it will seem natural. And this is very sad to allow to happen to your self. Don't stay. You were happy, now you are unhappy, and if you get out you will be very happy again. Be strong, do the best for you. We all make mistakes, we are only human. You are lucky there are no children involved in this.