My new Husband cheated on me when we were engaged.

[justwhoiam]

Hi ccwt,

 

I disagree with most people in here. A marriage is a marriage, like d0nnivain said, not a trip to Disneyland.

 

He started seeing this other woman when you were fed up of the relationship with him. Is it so? The relationship was running on thin ice, and all this while being separated by the ocean. Maybe he was dwelling on letting you go. You said it was on and off. It gave it a go with this other woman, but she meant nothing to him, he tried to give her hints, but did a lousy job with it. Being distant and cold, dropping communication... he led her to get out of his life. Maybe that's what they teach at these PUA sessions... if it's her leaving, you have more chances that she's out of your life for good. While if it's him leaving, she might still have feelings. If that were true, it really worked, because her feelings, if any, went away quite soon.

 

And something else you need to think of: it's not that she left him and so he got back to you. No, she was still trying to get his attention, he was just not interested. And he proposed to you. He probably thought he was going to lose you and it soon became unacceptable in his mind. And also, after 6 years, he knew he couldn't make it last for long like that anyway.

 

From the moment he proposed to you, he should have told her. He didn't. Maybe he was predicting drama coming from it, or she could think she was being used, or - who knows - for the reason I stated above.

 

I understand your concern now. I guess he needs to earn your trust.

Personally I would want to know how they happened to have sex. If she was all over him. And I hope he was wearing a condom. He already knows he made a mess by not backing off with her. But who knows what went through his mind, like: this is the last time I have sex with someone else that is not my wife, for the rest of my life.

 

It's up to you whether you can forgive him or not, but one thing I learned in life, that sometimes the unexpectable can happen to us and we make mistakes too. So if I was more prone to pointing my finger when I was younger, I don't feel like pointing my finger anymore, now that I am older.

If he were a player during marriage, then no, I wouldn't accept that.

Of course there are societal behaviors that are unacceptable to me: e.g. being a pedophile. But this is not your case.

 

I guess many men cross borders during their bachelor party and their spouse probably won't know what really happened that night. So that would mean that at least 30% of men should be rejected on the altar. The fact is people make mistakes, and even big ones. And he should be given a chance to prove his love to you.

 

He knows he's hurt you, and if he really loves you he'll try to be the best husband.

[soccerrprp]

I would like to say that remorse is not a sign of rehabilitation. If you're going to give your husband another chance watch things carefully and drop him when he makes another mistake involving infidelity. There have been way too many who have stayed in marriages only look back to a life of sadness and regret.

[Anitha]

Hi, here's my story, I'm new here, it's a little long and probably written in a terrible english (I am a foreigner)

 

We've been in a LDR for about 6 years, I'm french was studying, he's american and was working across the Atlantic. We met online through a friend and 1st IRL in London. we were both in difficult moments in our lives and we sort of helped each other. I fell in love pretty quickly, thought he was the prefect match for me ; he liked me but was more "cautious".

 

We've been on and off during all those years, the distance being a real hardship.But we kept going back at each other gradually, first talking to each other again on a friend basis, then saying we want to see each other again and getting plane tix.

 

One of those time, about three years ago, I came for three months, but discovered upon coming that he had become a pick-up artist. Basically it's groups of men mostly (there are a few women now) who try to apply systematic tactics to get women to sleep with them, for some men it's more than that, it's how to handle a relationship or a marriage...

 

When I was in the US with him I discovered more of this new thing of his and hated it. It seemed to me that he'd become hateful and revengeful toward amercian women that he called spoiled, a cold blooded player. Well that was my opinion at the time.

 

We came around that, it took me long, but with time he convinced me he wasn't that horrid man I pictured but just a lonely man who didn't really understand women or relationships.

 

We were again talking about getting back together, he wanted me to visit but I was tired of this dynamic, then what? We'd break up again?

 

Then he proposed, out of the blue. I told him he didn't mean that. He said he was tired of the pick up artist game, he had needed that for a while, that it improved his social skills, that it helped him but that he was done. I was the one, he knew it all along but wasn't ready before, but now thanks to the PUA he realized I was exactly right for him etc.

 

I said yes. After that I went through many doubts toward this decision, not trusting him in my guts. But eventually I went to marry him.

 

NOW, yesterday I discovered at the time he proposed he was dating a girl. A nice girl to whom however he'd said he couldn't fall in love with her. Because at the time we were talking back to each other, still in love...

 

As I said he proposed on an impulse, so he ended up being engaged while dating another girl.

 

He told me he had tried to let her down gently, she was working in another state, but had planned to visit him, already bought the tix. He says he offered to give her a refund, she insisted on coming. And so she came to his house and he claims he was still trying to let her down gently, they had sex but he told her it didn't change anything. He never let her know he was engaged, or just, in love with someone else.

 

He swears at the time, as weird as it sounds, he thought it was the best way to handle the mess he'd put himself in. That the sex wasn't planned that he was trying to not hurt her feeling too bad bcs she was really in love with him.

 

As a result I am the one who bears the hurt and shame. He promises that it was the only time, that he is really commited to this marriage, that he loves only me and that he means to be faithful.

 

I used to believe he was going to be faithful and a good husband. I don't really know if I believe him and his story now. I wonder if I have married a disgusting piece of **** or if he's just a man with flaws...I just don't trust him at all now.

 

Before that thing, I thought this marriage was perfect despite disagreements here and there, quarrels... Couple stuff I thought. I thought he was a wonderful man, the best for me.

 

If you have any comments, we've been married 14 days. I am so sad.

 

It's not always easy to forget about someone you love so much, i guess most persons has not been in your shoes before. A friend of mine did experience a similar situation like yours and i think he got it sorted out by having to contact a spell caster and i will recommend same for you if you truely love him and do not want to let him go.. You can get back to me if you need the details of the spell caster..

[Iguanna]

I would take the hard road to contact this other woman and ask her what really happened from her point of view. Don't make fast decisions, you said the marriage is perfect and he loves you. You are the only one who in your heart knows if he is truthful when he says he loves you. And by the way technically he may have proposed to you but he had another relationship open so he had to stop it. I'm wondering why he told you that he had sex with her. It was something you would never find out. Maybe this means he wants to be honest, even now? Don't break your marriage for something like this. I see this as a technicality. At the end of the day he proposed to you, he married you and he's happy with you.

[Iguanna]

Oh after I wrote this post I read the response of the other woman. Hmm still, I don't know. What if he is truthful and he made a huge mistake for which he regretted?

[elementals]

what is HIS plan to handle this, now?

[Kelemvor]

It's hard to say... Honestly, I can't fathom why he's bringing this up 14 days after you got married. Talk about killing the honeymoon. I've cheated before. Sometimes, things happen and good people make mistakes. Others make those mistakes habitual. It all depends on the motives, the individual, and the circumstance. I don't believe in blanket rules where all cheaters deserve a kick to the curb, otherwise we'd have about a 20% or less successful marriage rate. Divorces are all too frequent these days, as are single affairs or indiscretions. If people aren't willing to work though their issues/mistakes together then soon enough there's just no reason to get married at all... to anyone for that matter. The risks would be way too stacked against you to be able to trust anyone.

 

THAT being said... After being married and going through a VERY painful and difficult divorce. I would say it's a very big red flag for him to be bringing this up now of all times. Is it a cry for help? Is it to drive you into wanting to anull/divorce because he's freaking out that he's now committed? I mean, the time to bring it up would have been during the engagement. Nothing but hurt and pain can come from bring it up on the honeymoon. I can't imagine a good person doing that. I would take that as a major red flag and I would say that the safest thing to do would be to get an annulment, work through this together, go to some counseling, and then remarry before a judge. The time to have talked about this was during the engagement, not now. Bringing it up now just sends off all types of alarms as far as I'm concerned. If I were engaged, I would want my bride to be telling me any indiscretions then... or even before the engagement. That would be easier to work through and would give time to heal, work through issues, put some ground rules in place, future expectations and establish some trust going into a "clean slate" marriage and new level of commitment. That's my 2 cents.

[justwhoiam]

NOW, yesterday I discovered at the time he proposed he was dating a girl.

She found out, I don't think he came up with that out of the blue...