Realist3 Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 When I post here in this section, I do so to seek information and not slam anyone. For those of you married and and not seeking to divorce... have you considered what if I get caught? I imagine you have. In other words what is your plan B? Try to save marriage? Give up AP? Go deeper underground? Accept divorce? NO JUDGEMENTS - just seeking information. When my affair first started we both pranced around like teenagers with their first love. And since I was ignorant and naive about affairs the thought of getting caught never really crossed my mind until... I got caught. No plan B, no nothing. But underground it went. From that point on the focus shifted to making sure MOW didn't get caught because her situation would be far far different than mine. If she did get caught she would try and save her marriage for the kids and appearances, but not a true R. Too much water under the bridge between those two and she doesn't love him anymore. That is not going to change because she got busted. Our affair would take a break for awhile because I can't imagine how much more underground it could possibly go. But we have decided we are in this for the long haul. If he decided to go public with it it would definitely impact my wife's position on the matter. My assumption is that she would file for divorce in that instance. I don't see any hopes of reconciliation between us. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 When I post here in this section, I do so to seek information and not slam anyone. For those of you married and and not seeking to divorce... have you considered what if I get caught? I imagine you have. In other words what is your plan B? Try to save marriage? Give up AP? Go deeper underground? Accept divorce? NO JUDGEMENTS - just seeking information. Good questions. I think though sometimes APs act like their feelings and choices are the only ones that matter and essentially the unsuspecting persons are forced to go along with what they've chosen to do behind their backs and they plan and plan with each other...then life happens! That is, it's all wonderful when it's just you two and the secret, but you cannot guarantee that one or both spouses won't find out and at that point, whether you want to divorce or not is no longer your choice, as now your spouse can choose to divorce you whether you like it or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 So , you and the rest of these folks who are married and in affairs are showing what exactly? Proud that you can get away with cheating , are you? Or is it that you have so little respect for your spouse? What do you want here, except to start a brouhaha? I think if the people that responded to this thread were the people it was addressed to, there would be no brouhaha at all.Don't believe I asked your for anything, did I? I am addressing the OP, your opinion means ......nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Yes to the OP and yes to this.^ When both AP's are married and not looking to divorce it creates a balance and understanding. It eliminates one of the main topics of strife in the A relationship that you see discussed daily on this board. Expectations and demands are almost nil, which in turn leads to a more peaceful relationship.Peaceful? Possibly. Honest , respectful and loving? Definitely not. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 This thread isn't about a realistic appraisal of infidelity, it is about justifying dishonesty, disrespect, and deceit, so I will back out of here. I was once a OM in an affair, and I never tried to delude myself that it was somehow a "good" thing, or even an acceptable compromise. Carry on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 This thread isn't about a realistic appraisal of infidelity, it is about justifying dishonesty, disrespect, and deceit, so I will back out of here. I was once a OM in an affair, and I never tried to delude myself that it was somehow a "good" thing, or even an acceptable compromise. Carry on. I think that is an excellent idea. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 This thread isn't about a realistic appraisal of infidelity, it is about justifying dishonesty, disrespect, and deceit, so I will back out of here. I was once a OM in an affair, and I never tried to delude myself that it was somehow a "good" thing, or even an acceptable compromise. Carry on. When I had my affair, I never felt like it was a good thing either. I always felt so much guilt. To answer the OP's question, there's a lot of people who have an affair with no intentions of divorce. The problem is, the only way to keep an affair up for long term is complete compartmentalization. I couldn't keep up with having a double life. I hated the constant worry of getting caught and hurting people. OP, out of curiosity how do you seriously compartmentalize so well with your H and best friend? Aren't you concerned that the spouses will notice the body language with you and your MM? Body language and chemistry come naturally and is very hard to hide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayleym Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 When I had my affair, I never felt like it was a good thing either. I always felt so much guilt. To answer the OP's question, there's a lot of people who have an affair with no intentions of divorce. The problem is, the only way to keep an affair up for long term is complete compartmentalization. I couldn't keep up with having a double life. I hated the constant worry of getting caught and hurting people. OP, out of curiosity how do you seriously compartmentalize so well with your H and best friend? Aren't you concerned that the spouses will notice the body language with you and your MM? Body language and chemistry come naturally and is very hard to hide. Yes I've wondered often about how we appear to others. People must see it since its so thick in the air. I used to think it must be written in our faces. And actually his wife was very aware of his attraction to me especially when we all first started getting close. We are aware of it and do our best to just put it out of our minds. It really is like living a double life and you think of people, yourself I included as kind of, characters, and I try to think of what we do together as a different couple of people. I'm not insane although I'm sure that makes me sound bat **** crazy. It's just the only way I can describe it. When we are not completely alone I try not to even think of him that way. I think of him like someone else. He's my friend and my friends husband, when he's my friend and my lover only when we are alone. It's taken time to get to this point. We have highs and lows and get too close sharing everything and talking all the time and then we both start drifting away from our partners so we dial it back. It's been over two years, the last year has been much easier than the first. Less fun and exciting but easier emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 If she did get caught she would try and save her marriage for the kids and appearances, but not a true R. Hayley, my apologizes for the thread jack. Realist, please tell me you're joking? Please tell me your MW is not a heartless and cold person that would do that to her H? Nothing sickens me more than a cheater who puts their BS through a fake reconciliation. My exMM and I never got caught. If we had and he put his W through a false R, I would have lost ALL love and respect for him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Hayley, my apologizes for the thread jack. Realist, please tell me you're joking? Please tell me your MW is not a heartless and cold person that would do that to her H? Nothing sickens me more than a cheater who puts their BS through a fake reconciliation. My exMM and I never got caught. If we had and he put his W through a false R, I would have lost ALL love and respect for him. It is a little bit more complicated than that. Her H had an affair for 7 years which he never admitted to and could possibly be still going on for all she knows. She just doesn't care anymore. She is in a fake reconciliation of sorts right now because he would never come clean even though a ton of people know about it. I had lunch with one of their former couples friends, and he said he knew that MOW's H was hiding assets, bought his OW a house and a business, etc. So, there really wouldn't be much faking on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Yes I've wondered often about how we appear to others. People must see it since its so thick in the air. I used to think it must be written in our faces. And actually his wife was very aware of his attraction to me especially when we all first started getting close. We are aware of it and do our best to just put it out of our minds. It really is like living a double life and you think of people, yourself I included as kind of, characters, and I try to think of what we do together as a different couple of people. I'm not insane although I'm sure that makes me sound bat **** crazy. It's just the only way I can describe it. When we are not completely alone I try not to even think of him that way. I think of him like someone else. He's my friend and my friends husband, when he's my friend and my lover only when we are alone. It's taken time to get to this point. We have highs and lows and get too close sharing everything and talking all the time and then we both start drifting away from our partners so we dial it back. It's been over two years, the last year has been much easier than the first. Less fun and exciting but easier emotionally. I was curious because our situations are the exact opposite. I met my exMM online. We didn't know each other's friends or family. When I was with him, it felt like he and I were in our own little world. I fell in love with him. We said the ILY and started future faking. That's when it had to stop. My little fantasy world started intruding on my reality. I thought about him night and day. It affected my work and my love for him started to hurt. I just couldn't keep the double life separate anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 It is a little bit more complicated than that. Her H had an affair for 7 years which he never admitted to and could possibly be still going on for all she knows. She just doesn't care anymore. She is in a fake reconciliation of sorts right now because he would never come clean even though a ton of people know about it. I had lunch with one of their former couples friends, and he said he knew that MOW's H was hiding assets, bought his OW a house and a business, etc. So, there really wouldn't be much faking on her part. Oh man! What a toxic situation. That can't be good for her kids. Why doesn't she just divorce? I don't think anything would make me stay in an M if my spouse was having a 7+ year affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Married men are getting a bad reputation. I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I'm a woman, I'm married. He's married. We are not planning to leave our marriages. We have no affair deadlines. My exwife did this. She got pregnant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 [quote Are you in an affair and don't intend to divorce...and are you ok with RISKING divorce to continue your affair? Yes. I've been risking it for two years. I don't have any regrets. We have played it pretty safe. Are you saying you are okay risking your marriage for the affair? Does this mean you want to be unmarried so you will be free to take your affair further? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Oh man! What a toxic situation. That can't be good for her kids. Why doesn't she just divorce? I don't think anything would make me stay in an M if my spouse was having a 7+ year affair. He kids are great and have no clue. He is out of town a lot so it is pretty easy to keep the discord between them away from the kids. She stays because she want the kids to have a two parent household, and she has a great life outside of him. Her choice. The big question mark for her is whether he would want her to stay. IMO, if he ever found out the whole extent of it and the duration he probably would not. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Yes. I've been risking it for two years. I don't have any regrets. We have played it pretty safe. Are you saying you are okay risking your marriage for the affair? Does this mean you want to be unmarried so you will be free to take your affair further? My wife already knows of the affair. She caught me about 3 months in. We just started year 4. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 My wife already knows of the affair. She caught me about 3 months in. We just started year 4. Open marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 He kids are great and have no clue. He is out of town a lot so it is pretty easy to keep the discord between them away from the kids. She stays because she want the kids to have a two parent household, and she has a great life outside of him. Her choice. The big question mark for her is whether he would want her to stay. IMO, if he ever found out the whole extent of it and the duration he probably would not. To each their own. I just don't see having an affair for many years as healthy. Affairs are fantasy relationships. Staying unhappily married gives a bad example to children on how a healthy relationship should be. I happen to be very against staying M for children though. I know my exMM wanted to continue for many years. I just didn't see the point in being love with someone who I realistically didn't have a chance to be with. I'm planning for divorce and he wants to stay till his youngest is 18. I refuse to be a single OW so I had to let him go. I'm not judging you btw. You're situation is just a very hard one for me to understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 To each their own. I just don't see having an affair for many years as healthy. Affairs are fantasy relationships. Staying unhappily married gives a bad example to children on how a healthy relationship should be. I happen to be very against staying M for children though. I know my exMM wanted to continue for many years. I just didn't see the point in being love with someone who I realistically didn't have a chance to be with. I'm planning for divorce and he wants to stay till his youngest is 18. I refuse to be a single OW so I had to let him go. I'm not judging you btw. You're situation is just a very hard one for me to understand. It is not all that hard to understand. We both have fairly unsatisfying/unhappy marriages that we choose to stay in for most of the same reasons. We found each other and enjoy a happiness within our situation that we didn't have before. It is really just that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Open marriage? I don't know if that is the correct term, it is more like an agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 I would actually say our marriage relationship is much better than before the A. We are spending Christmas in NYC, and then taking the family to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary in January. It is not in any way all doom and gloom at home especially in front of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 It is not all that hard to understand. We both have fairly unsatisfying/unhappy marriages that we choose to stay in for most of the same reasons. We found each other and enjoy a happiness within our situation that we didn't have before. It is really just that simple. I still don't understand how you and your MW can actually believe this is healthy for yourselves or children. That's definitely what the affair fog does to people though. I was also very deep into it. I thought the same as you for quite awhile. However, It's not my place to understand so I'm done. Best of luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bconnor Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 "We have played it pretty safe" - Thanks, that brought a chuckle. My co-worker and I just "finished" our affair 2 weeks back and I can totally understand what that means. I used to try and slink down in the passenger seat when we would leave work so nobody would see us. I'd kiss her in the office stairwell - hell, I made her climax with one hand in one of the small meeting rooms whilst having the other hand on the door. It finally comes down to expectations. My co-worker moved out after 6 months - her husband knew what was going on. For the next 9 months, I had my cake (I'm married too) and boy - we gave her bed frame a good working out. But, she wanted more eventually, more time together, time on the weekends, time at night for Google chatting. Eventually, she realized I wasn't committing and proceeded to tell me 2 weeks ago that we couldn't do this anymore as I was torturing her.. I don't know how in the world you manage to compartmentalize - my work suffered over the last year whilst she excelled and I have had some really bad mood swings. Best of luck to you - I hope it works out for you in whatever shape/form you want Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I don't know if that is the correct term, it is more like an agreement. Are you okay with your wife having her own affair on the side to for her happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Married men are getting a bad reputation. I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I'm a woman, I'm married. He's married. We are not planning to leave our marriages. We have no affair deadlines. Nope, because affairs are lame. If you want cake eating, just date and have lots of sex partners and don't get married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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