Anyone here in an affair, not planning divorce?

[violet1]

 

I told her my biggest fear was not that MC would help the relationship, but that it may lead to him recognizing it is truly over. That forces my hand.

 

I want her to find a way to keep her marriage afloat.

 

I don't get this. Don't you want your MOW to be happy? She sounds so miserable from that email she sent you. Her situation is different than yours. You don't have to hide and lie to the extent she does. I'm sure that pretending to have the perfect family while being secretly in love with you is destroying her.

 

My exMM was a lot like you. He too was in love with me and wanted us to be together in the future. His children are number 1 and I completely understood that. He said that he wanted me to wait for 4 or 5 years until his youngest was older. I really thought I could do it, but it took it's toll on me in every way. I thought I could just continue my M for the sake of my step daughter, whom I'm very close to. I just couldn't do it because the bond between my exMM and I was so strong. The more I tried to pull back, the emotions would become more intense. I was so in love with him that it hurt. The stronger my emotions became, the more the A started effecting my home life. It effected by job and my step daughter started questioning if I was okay. My husband was telling his friends how wonderful of a wife I was. My affair was only a year old and I honestly don't know how your MOW has done it for as long as she has.

 

If your MOW and her H decide in counselling that it's time to end the dead M, I hope you would support her. It kind of bothers me that you want her to stay in her unhappy marriage just so you don't feel forced to make a decision on your end. If that's not the case then my apologies are in order, but that's my perception of your post.

Edited December 22, 2013 by violet1

[Realist3]

I don't get this. Don't you want your MOW to be happy? She sounds so miserable from that email she sent you. Her situation is different than yours. You don't have to hide and lie to the extent she does. I'm sure that pretending to have the perfect family while being secretly in love with you is destroying her.

 

My exMM was a lot like you. He too was in love with me and wanted us to be together in the future. His children are number 1 and I completely understood that. He said that he wanted me to wait for 4 or 5 years until his youngest was older. I really thought I could do it, but it took it's toll on me in every way. I thought I could just continue my M for the sake of my step daughter, whom I'm very close to. I just couldn't do it because the bond between my exMM and I was so strong. The more I tried to pull back, the emotions would become more intense. I was so in love with him that it hurt. The stronger my emotions became, the more the A started effecting my home life. It effected by job and my step daughter started questioning if I was okay. My husband was telling his friends how wonderful of a wife I was. My affair was only a year old and I honestly don't know how your MOW has done it for as long as she has.

 

If your MOW and her H decide in counselling that it's time to end the dead M, I hope you would support her. It kind of bothers me that you want her to stay in her unhappy marriage just so you don't feel forced to make a decision on your end. If that's not the case then my apologies are in order, but that's my perception of your post.

 

 

Of course I want her to be happy. I have always supported her in whatever she wanted that made her happy and will always do so.

 

If she wanted to leave her M she would not have agreed to MC. She didn't tell me about it until two weeks after the fact. She is calling her own shots.

 

Call it selfish if you will, but it is a realistic view. I want her marriage to find some level of goodness. It is only what I want, not what I am demanding. I know if she gets divorced our relationship will be on very limited time. She would be leaving to be with me, but I'm not in that position just yet. Her marriage has been what it has been for 11 years. She lives a great life, she just doesn't have a partner she is in love with. She also really cherishes her family unit very much. I don't want her to throw that away because she slipped up. As I said before she has always battled 'letting it show' with her husband and family. Over the years this issue as arisen many many times. This exact issue is what made me ask her for a break around this time last year. It is just this time she let it go too far for her. She didn't want to let it show because she didn't want to get divorced. I do not get any sense that she does want to get divorced, but right now it is her husband that is making that determination.

 

In regards to MC. I have read all of the statistics and musings of MC's. Most people wait far too long... like 6-7 years too long. Almost every couple rug sweeps until it just bursts. Then everything is laid out on the table and people are forced to make serious changes. In most cases people come to realize that it is a bridge too far once it is all laid out. The built up entrenched animosity is just too strong. 50% of people that go to MC get divorced. 25% are happier in their M, and 25% just continue to exist as before.

 

Here is the thing in this case. She is not disclosing her affair with me, and she is not going press him to disclose his, duh. So you have two huge elephants in the room that are never going to be addressed. This is an exercise in trying to make make things acceptable. I see it as a 25% chance they stay together and a 50% chance they get divorced.

 

You said she sounds miserable. I don't think she is any more miserable than I am. Yes, we both wish we could be together. We both know how great it would be together. But at this time we have not come to the point of where our wishes/desires outweigh the damage that would be done across many lives for our 'happiness'. To me that is the ultimate selfishness. I look at my kids, her kids and see what great experiences they are having. Then I think, "We can turn all of your worlds upside down because she and I love each other."

Edited December 23, 2013 by Realist3

[violet1]

Of course I want her to be happy. I have always supported her in whatever she wanted that made her happy and will always do so.

 

If she wanted to leave her M she would not have agreed to MC. She didn't tell me about it until two weeks after the fact. She is calling her own shots.

 

Call it selfish if you will, but it is a realistic view. I want her marriage to find some level of goodness. It is only what I want, not what I am demanding. I know if she gets divorced our relationship will be on very limited time. She would be leaving to be with me, but I'm not in that position just yet. Her marriage has been what it has been for 11 years. She lives a great life, she just doesn't have a partner she is in love with. She also really cherishes her family unit very much. I don't want her to throw that away because she slipped up. As I said before she has always battled 'letting it show' with her husband and family. Over the years this issue as arisen many many times. This exact issue is what made me ask her for a break around this time last year. It is just this time she let it go too far for her. She didn't want to let it show because she didn't want to get divorced. I do not get any sense that she does want to get divorced, but right now it is her husband that is making that determination.

 

In regards to MC. I have read all of the statistics and musings of MC's. Most people wait far too long... like 6-7 years too long. Almost every couple rug sweeps until it just bursts. Then everything is laid out on the table and people are forced to make serious changes. In most cases people come to realize that it is a bridge too far once it is all laid out. The built up entrenched animosity is just too strong. 50% of people that go to MC get divorced. 25% are happier in their M, and 25% just continue to exist as before.

 

Here is the thing in this case. She is not disclosing her affair with me, and she is not going press him to disclose his, duh. So you have two huge elephants in the room that are never going to be addressed. This is an exercise in trying to make make things acceptable. I see it as a 25% chance they stay together and a 50% chance they get divorced.

 

You said she sounds miserable. I don't think she is any more miserable than I am. Yes, we both wish we could be together. We both know how great it would be together. But at this time we have not come to the point of where our wishes/desires outweigh the damage that would be done across many lives for our 'happiness'. To me that is the ultimate selfishness. I look at my kids, her kids and see what great experiences they are having. Then I think, "We can turn all of your worlds upside down because she and I love each other."

 

Out of curiosity, does you wife know you have plans to leave her in the future for your MOW? If she doesn't, this is where I believe the arrangement with your wife is going to smack you in the face. She could possibly make life hell for you if/when you divorce.

 

I understand not leaving for the kids, I really do. I also believe that waiting until the kids are 18 or whatever is not healthy for them. If they find out the truth, they'll feel betrayed that their parents only stayed together for them. I know many don't agree, but all kids really want is their parents to be happy. My brother and his 2nd wife are a blended family. He had one, she had three and now they have one together. These children are ALL very happy and content with their lives. I'm glad my brother didn't stay in his miserable marriage for his child. His situation was not an affair though. He and his first wife divorced because they were unhappy. I do disagree with you that staying in an unhappy relationship just for the kids is not selfish. I understand why people do it. I think it's more fear based. I'm a child of divorce and it doesn't blow up a child's world like people think. Kids are strong and they heal from divorce in time. I don't always agree with you, but I do appreciate your honesty.

[Realist3]

Out of curiosity, does you wife know you have plans to leave her in the future for your MOW? If she doesn't, this is where I believe the arrangement with your wife is going to smack you in the face. She could possibly make life hell for you if/when you divorce.

 

I understand not leaving for the kids, I really do. I also believe that waiting until the kids are 18 or whatever is not healthy for them. If they find out the truth, they'll feel betrayed that their parents only stayed together for them. I know many don't agree, but all kids really want is their parents to be happy. My brother and his 2nd wife are a blended family. He had one, she had three and now they have one together. These children are ALL very happy and content with their lives. I'm glad my brother didn't stay in his miserable marriage for his child. His situation was not an affair though. He and his first wife divorced because they were unhappy. I do disagree with you that staying in an unhappy relationship just for the kids is not selfish. I understand why people do it. I think it's more fear based. I'm a child of divorce and it doesn't blow up a child's world like people think. Kids are strong and they heal from divorce in time. I don't always agree with you, but I do appreciate your honesty.

 

 

That has never been discussed, as I have never put it on the table. My wife knows full well she has me by the nuts. She knows that it would destroy a large social circle. We are all well known. Yes, she and I could handle it somewhat. You are right, the kids would accept it in time. But I don't think we would weather all of the fallout. That is 8 unique lives, and they are supposed to magically fall into our dream? Nope.

 

I too appreciate your discussions/input. If I could lay it all out you might have a different understanding. Your points are valid and I have certainly taken them into consideration.