Cheated on

[Heartbrokenwoman]

I have joined this site in hope that I will have some opinions on what I have been through. I met (let's call him Tom) back in November 2011. After two dates we were a couple. Within 5/6 months we had fallen in love. We had lots in common & had similar interests. Friends & family would always comment on how well suited we were together. We had never had an argument. We both lived at home with parents, we are both in out late twenties. By the end of 2012 we were discussing our future. We both wanted to move out together & start our life. So from the beginning of 2013 we started to save. He said to me "i have found the one" & even asked me what type of ring i would like, where to get married & we had even chose our fav child names. He kept saying he wanted a child but I kept saying I wanted to wait till we were more settled ie had our place. In May this year I started to notice some changes in him. When we were out together he would always comment on what other woman were wearing, that he liked it etc. This started to annoy & also make me feel quite insecure. I confronted him & he apologised but he did get quite fed up at the fact I found it to be a problem. I tried explaining it the other way round, if it was me making these comments & he just sigh & nodded. This never really resurfaced again. In August this year my sister got married & Tom was the usher. He was very much involved in it & got involved in family gatherings. But at the end of July before the wedding, he found out he was losing (one) of the jobs he was contracted to work for. This hit him hard & I supported him through it. I sat up till the early hours with him creating a CV & applying for jobs. I even managed to get him a job with a family member of mine, in the industry he was looking for. He was really happy & excited & I helped him with the application etc. He was offered the job.

Things changed again in September he became very cold towards me & almost angry. Yet we agreed to open up a savings account for our savings, which we did together. That following week we were due to go on holiday. I hadn't seen him the previous week due to me working days & him working nights (which was normal for us). The day we went away he was still cold towards me. He wouldn't hug me or hold my hand (which he would normally do). The first two days were horrible he would spoon me in bed & say night I love you. But when it came to during the day he wouldn't show me any affection or care. I once had to use his mobile to make a call & he gave me his phone set up to make a call. But at that moment the phone switched to texts & i saw a text from a girl called maria with a smiley face. I had enough & by the third day confronted him. He said he loved me but was not sure if he was in love with me. I obviously burst into tears & he sat & hugged me. We spoke for 4 hours where he said he can't see a future for himself, he sometimes feels like driving away in his car, he can't see me in a white dress etc & he broke down crying. When I questioned about Maria he said "maybe other people make me happy". We left the holiday to come back home, he dropped me at home, said sorry & zoomed off in his car. Two days later he asked to collect his stuff from mine which i agreed. We ended up talking again for a few hours. He said he was scared he was going cheat on me & that he fell out of love with me the end of August. I asked him if there was any chance of us getting back together & he shrugged & said "I just don't know, I won't be living here soon anyway & I know you won't move that far because of your mum". He hugged me (I didn't hug him back) & he stroked my hip before leaving. That's the last I have seen of him. Two days after that he removed me on Facebook. I was close to his family & was speaking to them at this time. They couldn't understand his decision either. His mum even asked me "to not delete her on Facebook & that she was not happy with Tom". Well I got a lame text excuse saying he deleted me so that I can decide if I wanted to be friends! My world was in turmoil & could not understand why everything had changed. In October I contacted him to sort out the bank account he was really moody & angry again. Asking for half of the money (when most was mine). He eventually backed down by saying "take it I actually don't care anymore". He even offered to come round & sign the letter for the bank which I refused as my mum was preparing for surgery to remove tumours & I couldn't handle seeing him again. I posted it to him, he posted it back & I sorted it.

I always felt something was not right about this Maria. (I don't know this person & he has never mentioned her) So I found her on Facebook (he added her after deleting me) & sent her a message. She said she met Tom in the first week of September & they started seeing each other. They slept together the weekend before we went on holiday. He told her he was single & had split up with me a few months ago. She was on a night out in our area, miles away from her home & was stuck waiting for transport to start at 3am. Tom pulled up & offered her a lift & it started from there. She said he was very clingy & within a week asked if he could move in in her student house (she lived 2 hours away from him). After he broke up with me he got himself a job down near her & she freaked out & split up from him. She was only 20. He met & spent 2 days with her & then came to my aunts house for a family meal the next day!! It worked out he dumped me & just over a week later she dumped him. We were both angry as he played both of us (me more so than her). He was my future he was planning with me. I feel there a lot of skeletons in his closet that I will never find out. When I realised he cheated I text him & his family. His family promptly deleted me on Facebook (even though the past 2 months they had assured me he feels strongly about cheating after being cheated on himself & that he never mentions Maria & there is nothing going on). He never replied to me & to this day still hasn't. I'm now unable to contact him or his family due to him reporting me. I just want to know why? How? Why would you throw away everything you had?? I have since found out he is on dating websites & is living back home near me. I don't think I'll ever get my answers but opinions or similar situations people have been through I would really appreciate. Thank you

[me85]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I do not have a similar story, but never-the-less I wanted to thak you for sharing your story.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't.

 

If nothing else brings you comfort during this time, try to find comfort with one thought...he WILL reap what he has sewn. What goes around truly does come around.

 

Hang in there.

[Heartbrokenwoman]

Thank you for your opinion. Yes I have heard that before & I hope it does come back around.

I feel so lost & confused. I cannot understand how someone can change so quickly.

[soccerrprp]

Thank you for your opinion. Yes I have heard that before & I hope it does come back around.

I feel so lost & confused. I cannot understand how someone can change so quickly.

 

It may not have been so quickly. He had you thinking he was committed while he dated this other girl, so you have no idea how long he's been putting up a front.

 

But, the upside is that you are not with this guy. So sad that people can be this way, but you need to move on and find someone who will really love you.

[emva07]

People like this always get obsessed quick....the problem being, that as soon as another object distracts him, he becomes obsessed with that new object, so on and so on.

 

This is a very heartbreaking story but as others said, you dodged a bullet, and in the future just take your time, have fun.

 

It's always funny how you can detect something is wrong by the change in a person's behavior towards you, I have learned after I was cheated on, to not ignore these hints, as crazy as friends and family may claim you to be.

[Heartbrokenwoman]

Yes I'm wondering what was truth & what was lies because of what has happened.

Yes my instinct always told me something was up with this girl on his phone. I just had to find out the truth. I'm glad I did because if he did come back, I would have took him back & wouldn't of known anything about it.

 

I really do think he was going to test the waters & leave me hanging for incase things didn't work out. As he never once said to me "I want to break up" "it's over etc". Even when I put to him I suspected him of cheating with her he always denied it & said "I wouldn't get into a relationship straight away, that's stupid use your head". After I found out the truth, I now understand why he snapped at me like this.

[me85]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I do not have a similar story, but never-the-less I wanted to THANK you for sharing your story.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't.

 

If nothing else brings you comfort during this time, try to find comfort with one thought...he WILL reap what he has sewn. What goes around truly does come around.

 

Hang in there.

 

OOPS! Spellcheck…

 

 

How are ya Heartbroken?? Feeling a bit better we hope! I'm heartbroken too. Just for different reasons. For all I know my ex may have been fooling around on me too. Because he NEVER wanted me to hold his phone.

[fixing]

So sorry for your absolute pain and devastation. Firstly, i want to tell you, that this is ALL his fault. The guy is a gutless, spineless, two faced unrelenting un repenting cheating scumbag. You are lucky, verrrrrry very lucky this happened now, and not when the little wanker got married to you.... His family are a bunch of wankers too who have no shame, they delete you after you tell them what foulness he just committed onto you? They probably condone his behavior.

ITS NOT YOU, NOR YOUR FAULT. BUT NEVER, EVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN. You have a long road ahead of you now in terms of recovering from such unforgivable betrayal. I will share with you my own horror to make you feel a little better hopefully...

I met a lovely, warm, motherly, beautiful foreign girl who came onto me very strongly. I thought i hit the jackpot. I let her move in with me, and we were literally 24/7 for the next 15 months. Im 27, and i would have married her, made a family etc. And she led me on to believe she was 100% feeling the same. Anyways, Sept 2012, she comes back from a christening, and she was a little off. She spent the next week, avidly facebooking what i had assumed another friend she met from the christening. Like you, i happened to see a 'kiss' in her last message with a new 'male' friend. I had to use google translate, but to my horror, i found that they were giggling like school girls about having had sex undetected. I was destroyed. Never in my wildest dreams could i have envisaged her do this to me. So i woke her up in a rage, told her i knew and ordered her out. Her reaction?? She said 'let me sleep and ill leave tomorrow' I kicked her out that night. She not once sincerely apoligised to me over the coming weeks, so i went no contact (13 months now) While i spent months in severe depression, pining over what i once loved. She had already moved in and stole her best friends husband. She lives with him still lol. I also, found out recently, that she had slept with a guy (A guy whom i let stay at my house many times after) when i was 6 months into our relationship. Im still not over her betrayal and remorselessness and i still have many questions LIKE YOU DO, BUT YOU WILL NEVER GET THEM, EVER!!! Dont do what i did and waste the next 6 months in depression.

STEP 1, NO CONTACT. Count the days off 1 by one and you will feel better. STEP 2, be around family and friends.

STEP 3, remember, this is not your fault, he is a kunt, always will be. Your a much better person.

STEP 4 NO CONTACT STILL! Dont ever give him the satisfaction by boosting his ego with calls. Post here instead.

AND LOL, my exe's family immediately cut me off too. Stay positive whenever possible, it will be hard though.

[LostConfused123]

Gosh I am so sorry for your pain! Sending you love, strength and prayers.

((hugs))