I want out.

[starlet86]

So after my last post where I really was just looking for assurance that this was an "affair" I went away and thought about it. Good and hard. I didn't speak to him during the whole time and just took some me time. I decided to log on to trusty old facebook today and whilst browsing a friends post I came across some posts from his other half. She was gushing about how much she missed him and how she was looking forward to a family party there were attending together. Her display picture was of them. It kind of solidified what I had already been thinking, "I can't be the second choice."

 

The problem is, how do I get out?

 

Do I tell him why I am leaving?

Do I just stop speaking to him?

Does he deserve an explanation?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Part of me is afraid to tell him why I want out, because I will have to expose myself to him one last time. I will have to tell him, that I don't want to be the reason he doesn't see his daughter or worse the reason his daughter resents her father for cheating. (I was that daughter and sadly I didn't speak to my dad until 2 days before he died). I don't want to be the person who causes someone else pain. I don't want to get hurt and mostly because I can't control my jealousy and the person I become when he can be with her and not me.

 

What do I do?

[Snipercatt]

If you aren't worried that contacting him will weaken your resolve then I think extending him the coutesy of telling him it's over is the thing to do.

 

You don't need to tell him the "why" of it, really, you don't. Just telling him you are ending it because it doesn't work for you is sufficient. It helps cut down the protracted back and forth that doesn't change the situation.

 

Good luck and I hope you find peace.

[Quiet Storm]

Just tell him you are not cut out to be the OW. That you deserve more, and that you will never have more if you are involved with him.

 

Don't make it sound like a manipulation, just make a statement. "This is not the life I want for myself. Please respect that and allow me to move on."

 

Most women are not willing to be the OW and MM know this. They often go into the affair knowing that there will be an expiration date, and that OW will eventually get tired of being the OW. So it's likely that he already expects you to realize that you deserve more.

 

This is why most OW have to be the ones to end it. MM will happily take all that you are willing to give, for as long as you are willing to give it. They figure if you weren't OK with dating a married guy, you'd end it. So for him, this was inevitably going to happen anyway. He just didn't know when.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[imfine]

This . . . "This is not the life I want for myself. Please respect that and allow me to move on." Also agree about avoiding the back and forth. I applaud you for making the decision to end it. Walk on

[crederer]

I'd do what you'd do in any other relationship. Tell him it's not working for you and then do not fall for his pussy ass attempts to get back with you.

 

Also, good for you for realizing this.

[starlet86]

Well he hasn't spoken to me in a few days, so maybe it has just fizzled out?

I also don't really see it as a relationship (please just leave that at that) because well a relationship is not something you have to be scared of someone finding out about.

 

If he does get in contact or tries to initiate anything other than a friendly (our parents are old friends can't really ignore him for the rest of my days) "how are you?" etc chat, then I shall tell him.

[starlet86]

Well since my last post where I decided that I wanted out of this whole situation, I have not heard from MM (he isn't actually married) once. Which has kind of resulted in me not being able to tell him I want out. All weekend though I have been subjected to pictures of him and his OH at family parties. All coupley and smiling. He is aware I can see these, so he is aware I will be annoyed.

 

This however gives me ammunition for when he does get in touch. I can quite simply tell him to "go away."

 

I am hurt though, he's never done this before. There were no harsh words between us the last time we spoke. It seems that over night he has just stopped caring about me. That kind of sucks, especially since we have been friends all our lives.

 

I want him to get in touch though so I can send him packing, with a few harsh words ringing in his ear. Words I probably wouldn't have said if he hadn't behaved in such a horrible manner the past few days.

 

I know I probably have no right to feel so annoyed by this, but I can't help but feel he is trying to rub my nose in something, or test me in a cruel manner.

[Yayo]

I understand everything youre saying! First of all, seeing couple pictures is the worst! And Ive had moments where it seemed my MM (also not married haha) just lost interest. I understand your desire to want to yell at him, be the one to do the actual breaking up. But it might not feel as good as you think. I find that going MIA and blocking his number out of nowhere with no yelling match to be much more satisfying.

[starlet86]

I wanted to do that, but then felt he deserved an explanation. Then he went and done exactly that to me. I just want to tell him to "go away. You made your choice, I am done caring about someone who doesn't care about me!" and then I don't know, maybe I will feel some peace?

 

I wasn't ever cut out for this, I knew this would end badly. I don't even know why I let it get this far. Now I am hurt and angry and lost a friend.

 

I feel like a fool.

[Survivor12]

Is he texting or emailing the pictures to you? If not, you are subjecting yourself to the torment. Perhaps you're doing it intentionally to prove to yourself that you are making the right decision to break it off with him. If so, use the anger you are feeling to be strong & follow through, but DON'T give him the opportunity to even try to change your mind by confronting him. It will only make it harder for you. He'll either try to sweet talk you into staying around or turn the tables by telling you that you are over-reacting or somehow wrong to feel angry.

 

Look, I understand that you want him to know that ending it is your choice, but your silence and his inability to reach you will speak volumes. Harsh words will only serve to feed his ego and leave YOU still feeling unfulfilled. Instead, follow through with your decision to walk away for your own good--not to convince him what a jerk he is. He's cheating on his gf, right?--So, he already knows & obviously doesn't care.

 

Be strong.

[Yayo]

I agree with what survivor said. Your silence will speak volumes. Speaking from experience, giving him a chance to talk to you he will probably sweet talk you and you will give in.

[Mcle]

Due to the very nature of an affair you do not owe him anything nor does he owe you. He will likely respect you more if you cut him off with no explanation. Really what "explanation" wouldnt sound hollow. Men "go dark" when they are done with someone they don't care about. Send him the same message.

 

It's certainly possible that he is hurting you intentionally to go more control in the affair. If so, he is trying to manipulate and control you which is not a good sign. Stay away from him, he is not and never was your friend. You owe him nothing.

[Ziz]

You dont have to tell him you want to end it in person. Letting him know over the phone that you want out is enough imo. Even via text. But that's up to you.

Hope you really push through with your plan and I wish you all the best.

[Popsicle]

I doubt he is posting pics to rub something in. He is just living his life in public with his wife, like he always has. In fact, it's probably his wife posting pics, not him. Him being married is something the world knows, and is something you have to accept and just move on if you want no part of it anymore. You don't have to tell him a darn thing.