mercuryshadow Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) My fiance and I are getting married in a few short months, and I am very, very lucky to have traditional parents who are helping us with the expenses. My parents have also been involved in the planning, but not to the extent where they are being overbearing (I'd say that the best descriptive word is "supportive".) My parents are not exactly wealthy, but are certainly average middle class. We are very grateful for their help. My fiance's parents, on the other hand (independently wealthy people), have not been involved in the wedding, have not asked to help, have not given any input... yet have asked about how much is being spent for this and that. I am feeling a bit irritated by this, as I don't feel it's any of their business, being that they are so disconnected from the whole thing. I'm trying to not take offense to their disinterest, as it is honestly just "how they are". My fiance offers up answers to these financial questions of theirs without hesitation, and I know this because he usually talks to them on the phone in front of me. I conveyed to him last night that I felt that it was inappropriate to share that kind of info, since they are not helping. I was gentle about it, but deep down, this stuff (i.e. these boundary issues) are pretty aggravating to me. I'm trying to be as patient as possible, but I don't think he was raised with proper etiquette about these things. Anyone have any suggestions/guidance? And am I over-reacting to him sharing costs and things with his parents? Edited November 20, 2013 by mercuryshadow Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 In the grand scheme of things, this is small. My advice for a happy marriage? Don't sweat the small stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Money matter can cause friction in the best of marriages. It's best to iron them out now. What was your FIs response to your request that he not share this info with his parents? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 21, 2013 Author Share Posted November 21, 2013 Money matter can cause friction in the best of marriages. It's best to iron them out now. What was your FIs response to your request that he not share this info with his parents? Thanks. He honestly seemed confused that I would feel that way, and did tell me that part of his thought process in sharing this was to assure his bro and SIL that they had the more expensive wedding. They are very concerned with such things, sadly, and I cannot understand that sort of mindset. Of course, his parents will tell them. I don't care about having an extravagant wedding. I'm just happy to have everything we need. I guess this issue is a bit more complex than what can be gathered from my OP. Boundaries are a big issue in regards to the dynamic between my FI and his parents. Even before we were engaged, he shared with them (upon their asking) what my salary is, and how much I get in child support for my son, as well as other things regarding custody. I came to find out by them broaching the topics with me during visits, leaving me feeling very uncomfortable and irritated. I guess the wedding cost thing was just the icing on the cake. I really wish my FI's family could step outside of their own little world and be supportive of us...just pleasant and supportive, no competition, no drama... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 I'd be upset too if my FI shared that kind of financial info with others. It's not their business. You do need to talk to him to get him to dial back the exchange of info. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 21, 2013 Author Share Posted November 21, 2013 I'd be upset too if my FI shared that kind of financial info with others. It's not their business. You do need to talk to him to get him to dial back the exchange of info. Thanks. I have to see them for a few days over Thanksgiving break. FI knows how stressful it is for me to be there, but because I love him, I am going to accompany him. Discussions that are initiated by them either entail some sort of drama or gossip, questions about money (as explained in my post), or invasive prying about the custody situation with my son (I have joint custody with his father). Any suggestions for how to handle situations where I'm put on the spot and/or cornered by them with these topics? I have actually asked FI to step in if they argue in front of us (which is one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable there). He agreed to. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 I'm a very direct person. If they asked me Qs about my personal info I'd deflect. Change the subject. Say something like along the lines of "why would you want to know something like that?" or turn it around on them. If pushed I may go as far as saying, "Look, I understand that your family talks about money but I don't. I'm not really comfortable discussing this with you. Can you please respect that?" Repeat the second sentence as needed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Any suggestions for how to handle situations where I'm put on the spot and/or cornered by them with these topics? Try asking them, "Why do you need to know that?" If they still don't back down, then just tell them you're not comfortable sharing that information with people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 I agree with those who say I need to be direct. And thanks, Nyla, for your insightful answers. Yes, I concur, it is a red flag. He is a great guy, though, in every respect. It's not enough for me to up and leave him, but it needs to be addressed. Our travel plans have been postponed due to bad weather until tomorrow, and it was very kind of his family to move our Thanksgiving dinner to Friday. That said, though, I know what awaits! And I'm seriously stressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Is this a first wedding for either party? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 Is this a first wedding for either party? Yes, it's a first for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 (edited) Not sure of your ages. What I can speak to is that "wealth" is a multigenertation planning factor. You seem blind to the social conventions of wedding ettiquette. Your family funds the wedding and reception. His family funds a rehearsal dinner. Many wealthy grooms families are loathe to make any embarrassing requests or offers to pay as not to offend a bride's father. In all honesty - I'd expect a generous wedding gift of cash or cash and investments. I think you are defensive and not used to open financial discussions. Wealth is a fact. Is your fiancé an only child? It's your wedding and in that-I'd expect you're sensitive to what they're expectations are? Is your groom funding a lavish honeymoon? Already purchased a residence? You casually drop the word "wealthy" but perhaps you're unaware of how relative a term it is. A substanti trust fund or soon to be transferred assets require some involvement w wealth advisers. Has your fiancé discussed these meetings with you? Edited November 27, 2013 by Balzac Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 Not sure of your ages. What I can speak to is that "wealth" is a multigenertation planning factor. You seem blind to the social conventions of wedding ettiquette. Your family funds the wedding and reception. His family funds a rehearsal dinner. Many wealthy grooms families are loathe to make any embarrassing requests or offers to pay as not to offend a bride's father. In all honesty - I'd expect a generous wedding gift of cash or cash and investments. I think you are defensive and not used to open financial discussions. Wealth is a fact. Is your fiancé an only child? It's your wedding and in that-I'd expect you're sensitive to what they're expectations are? Is your groom funding a lavish honeymoon? Already purchased a residence? You casually drop the word "wealthy" but perhaps you're unaware of how relative a term it is. A substanti trust fund or soon to be transferred assets require some involvement w wealth advisers. Has your fiancé discussed these meetings with you? I see what you're saying. In regards to the wedding, and coming from a traditional family, I understood what the etiquette was in regards to funding. The wedding in and of itself is one piece of this issue. I can see where you might surmise that a generous gift is going to be offered at the time of our wedding. To make it more clear, though, $ has been the only topic of discussion by his parents. When we became engaged, there were no congratulations, no input about the wedding, no questions about details, and I'll be honest, it took away from our joy. They are 100% monetarily focused. And by wealthy, I mean to say that they are in fact millionaires. We don't expect or want any of their money. An offer to host our rehearsal dinner would have been nice, but I am not holding onto hope for that. It did strike me as intrusive at this point, that the only point of concern for them was how much this wedding is going to cost. FI is not an only child - he has a brother who is married. We're both 30. I don't see either of them as being terribly close to their parents. However, when I asked FI why he maintains such loose boundaries with them, he did say to me: "I am supposed to honor my parents." After voicing to him that I don't enjoy being put on the spot about how much CS I receive for my son, or how much I make, I think he "gets" it, but didn't see it as an issue until I pointed out how it made me feel. He did tell me that his parents always ask questions such as those, and he was never taught that it was not proper. So I can't blame him. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 FWIW I find it laughable that anyone would inquire about child support. In general it's a minor cash contribution. Perhaps your child's father is wealthy and generous. From your telling of things it sounds to me that feelings about their son taking on the responsibility of a child is at play. On a positive note they wish to increase annual gifting so life will be easy. Perhaps they anticipate a grandchild and are eager to find more to their sons annual income. Odd that no venue is booked for a rehearsal dinner but perhaps in your area it's easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkruger Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 I have parents like his. It sounds like they're very traditional, old-school people. The reason they've been asking you very personal questions is probably because they're getting to know you better especially since you're marrying their son soon. It sounds like they live far away(??). Also, I hate to say this, but with traditional parents, they probably weren't thrilled about their son marrying someing who had a child from a previous relationship. Their concerns and questions are maybe indirectly stemming from disapproval(??). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 FWIW I find it laughable that anyone would inquire about child support. In general it's a minor cash contribution. Perhaps your child's father is wealthy and generous. From your telling of things it sounds to me that feelings about their son taking on the responsibility of a child is at play. On a positive note they wish to increase annual gifting so life will be easy. Perhaps they anticipate a grandchild and are eager to find more to their sons annual income. Odd that no venue is booked for a rehearsal dinner but perhaps in your area it's easy. It is a very minor contribution, Balzac. And no, my son's father is not wealthy, or generous. I've paid my own and my son's way for a long, long time. I ask nothing of my FI, except that he be a good role model and loving step-parent. He is excellent at both of those things. No venue for the rehearsal dinner is booked yet because we still have a few months to go and our wedding party is pretty small. Also, finding something in our area will not be difficult at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Focus on your joy, excitement and anticipation. Gift your fiancé the freedom to find his own way to handle his parents. Don't pick the before wedding period to engage in a power struggle. Weddings amp up the emotions of all involved. Try to relax about this. It's a journey to last many years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 I have parents like his. It sounds like they're very traditional, old-school people. The reason they've been asking you very personal questions is probably because they're getting to know you better especially since you're marrying their son soon. It sounds like they live far away(??). Also, I hate to say this, but with traditional parents, they probably weren't thrilled about their son marrying someing who had a child from a previous relationship. Their concerns and questions are maybe indirectly stemming from disapproval(??). Jen, it very well may be true. They haven't made much of an attempt to get to know me over the past couple of years, and it may be because they hold some disapproval. I can wish all I want, but things are not likely to change overnight. In time, I hope they can see that I am good to their son, and we have a fantastic relationship. At the very least, I hope they can see that I would never put him through what his ex put him through (with cheating, lying, drugs, and so forth). As for being traditional, in some ways, yes, they are. So are my parents. Though I have shared with my mom the kinds of questions that they ask, and she was pretty shocked. I just want to know how to handle myself better around them. Being that I'm an introvert (FI is too!) I tend to retract when I'm uncomfortable or put on the spot. Hopefully this time, I'll find the courage to politely decline answers to these questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 Focus on your joy, excitement and anticipation. Gift your fiancé the freedom to find his own way to handle his parents. Don't pick the before wedding period to engage in a power struggle. Weddings amp up the emotions of all involved. Try to relax about this. It's a journey to last many years. Yes, I have definitely been worrying about this too much. Not leaving much room for all the good stuff. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 That said, though, I know what awaits! And I'm seriously stressing. I think, for you own reasons, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It sounds like he's close to his parents. And that may be one part of his personality that makes him a good stepfather to your son. It's a package deal. What's going to be your reaction when you have a problem in your marriage and he discusses it with them? Pretty common occurrence... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts