I felt like i am dying!

[Pancake08]

I posted something here couple of times but i didnt shared everything.

 

I am from Philippines and i met my ex husband through internet and he visited me in Ph.and that time i got my immigrant visa going to US, so i moved there and lived with my mom and some of my relatives.

 

So my ex visited me couple of times in US and my aunt wanted me to pursue my Nursing career( i am a nurse way back inPH),since i love my him so much i disobey my family and stow away from home and lived in the hotel apartment and got married there, so i gave up everything i US and movediin his country.

 

when i came here i thought my live is gonna better because he is always there for me,but no. My life is like a roller coaster,its very up and down.esp if we are having problem he is always getting involve his family( mother). And he is always telling me he love me and he is matured enough but i dont see him as a matured person,we are always fighting and been living apart couple of times and his mom is always beside him like a baby boy.

 

we are fighting to the point it will end to physical abuse, we are both responsible for that, even when i was pregnant, i hurt him back to defend my self and my baby, last March 2013 we had a huge fight and thats the time i had enough to so i consulted to a lawyer.

 

I was like 8 months old pregnant, found out that i had gestational diabetes( even earlier of pregnancy i ad complication placenta previa) so i am in a vulnerable stage but i was also dedicated to give my son a complete happy family, so i asked him if we can work out our marriage and he agreed.

 

after couple of days i moved back in our apartment and then on the first night i woke up having pain on my head and then we went in emergency so they found out that i am having eclampsia. So i gave birth 1 month earlier. So i almost died( stayed 5 days in ICU).

 

.then when we came home from hospital i thought its gonna be better, but my ex husband wasn't sure if he is ready to be married and stands on his own without involving his family so much,sand that is not the only problem, aside from physical fight, he is always after a sexy body, since i just gave birth i felt so horrible on my self. One day i came home and i saw that he is always browsing some sexy girls with big ass and boobs, so i felt so insecure but i told it to him and asked him id he finds me attractive.

 

Until one day the end of june, i was so tired bcuz i woke up couple of times to take care of our baby.i was like in a healing process but i wanted to please my husband so i woke up so early and iron his working shirt and made him breakfast but what i got from him is a reaction as if i wasnt existing and not part of his life so i got frustrated and confronted him if there is a problem.so thats the start thats why we are legaly separated.

 

the child services was involve to our situation bcuz of violence, but we havent hurt our son its just that its not good for him to seen u fighting

 

before my son lived with me but the child services in this coutry is kinda strange, they are working not for the child sake but instead is to give job foe their people,one day without any reason they came into my house with a police and they said they weather i like it or not they will take my son and give it to my ex.i fought with them in the court because i felt they are treating me like not a human,but they won because the court weve been is having a sort of connection with them.so they gave me a very little visitations.

 

we have a very young kid and he lives with him and i only get to see him twice a week( it really breaks my heart everytime i am having visitation to him and he is crying bcuz he cant recognize me anymore).

 

weare living in a small town and my ex and his family making my life so hard, but i am stucked because i wanted to be part of my son's life,and i dont wanna abandon him, thats why i am doing everything just to see him.

 

for the last couple of months i thought i am getting better without my ex and i can be contented to at least see my son, but lately i felt so lonely and i am crying everyday.

 

all i wanted is a complete happy family but why i cant have that??? All i wanted is to give my son the best thing in the world, normal hapoy life, but since he was born he never had it.so as a mother its really painful, and now its extra hard for me because i am sitting alone in this foreign country without job and family.

 

I starting to hate my self because i still have feeling for my ex, i wanted to go on a date since he is having a new asian girlfriend already ( after 1 month of being separated) but my heart say no. I dont know anymore if i shall try to save my marriage or just move on.. its hard though and i am really tired of living in this messy life that i just wanted to die instead..

 

PLEASE tell me what shall i do.

[Yasuandio]

Have you been to the American Embassy? If not, then you must go there for help.