Did i just fall for a serial cheater?

[MaryFrancine]

My story is long and i hope you are patient to read it because i need to make sense of what had just happened in my life.

I knew this guy from College but never had anything to do with him besides hello's.

He moved into a bigger city got a job, a good one and also got engaged. We kept in touch through Facebook and at some point i became his confidant. I lived in a small town, i was a teacher treated badly in the school and by my family at home. I lived with my parents. During some months i managed to put some money aside from other gigs i did. I am a foreign languages teacher.

anyway we kind of started an emotional affair and i supported him and listened to him complaining about his relationship, how he already checked out of it, how she is so cold to him, and we became more and more romantically involved. at least i was but he seemed too.

Months went by we met once after a gig i had in the bigger city. Another 2 months went by. he was sending me flowers and small presents. And we made plans of him moving out of this relationship he said was so bad and me moving in with him in the big city. We met again, but this time in his town, where his parents live, and we went to their home. he and the fiance were not officially over. but i was so in love, i thought our romance already started. our perfect future together. We had sex, i met his family. everyone was looking suspicious at me but he said not to sweat it. his girl called he ditched it, said he didn't care, called back when he wanted to.

Oh, i forgot to mention that one of the complaints was that he doesn't get to do any fun stuff with her because she is always watching for money, how they are spent, and that she doesn't want to work, just him.

So the plans about moving in were made on the money i had put aside.

He went back home, and in 2 weeks we moved in together. he said he is done with her, everything was over. i got so sad when his phone rang or texts were coming from her. why isn't she gone by now? we went to a holiday together this summer. 10 days. wonderful. after that holiday all her contact stopped. weeks went by and something nasty unfolded in front of me

 

i am in a big city with no job, all my money spent on the holiday, moving in (he's making nice money too, but my money were all spent on nice fun traits), i have a relationship with this wonderful guy, he is so relaxed now with me, and i am so in love and still.... i got punched in the throat

 

1. i was not the only online affair he started, just the one who acted on it

2. this was not the first relationship he cheated on . the excuse was that time too: she pushed me because of the fights and cold treatment

3. after we moved in he continued to have contact with the ex, it wasn't just her bugging him, he also responded and leading her on

4. they also had sex during this time

5. she did not knew about me for almost 2 months after they broke up. he said it was to protect her feelings

6.her contact didn't stop because he told her to. he never had the guts to do that. he lead her on with some " i don't know what i feel and i would like to work on our relationship" until she said STOP.

7. she didn't work because he was too jalous of her.

8. she is a sexy woman in a sexual way. very attractive to men so he sabotaged her living style until she gained weight so he felt more confident

9. i am not as pretty as she is (she lost that weight and now she's hot again)

10. she did not become cold because she was a b*tch but because in her mind she knew he was manipulating her life, and held her down, also initially mentally abused her and acussed her for being such a "sl*t" in her years. she is 5 years older than him so she had more relationships than him. dooh

11. i recently (as in today) found out that he contacted her again saying that he misses talking to her, as friends, getting her opinion on stuff.

12. i don't think he stopped talking to other women over the internet

 

Meanwhile i love him, he loves me, we have a great relationship and finding this out i just think my relationship with him is a big lie covered in shiny glitter just for now, as we are on the honey moon phase. or he treats me like this because i am the quiet girl in the back who gives him space and patience, and not call him on the things he does (the BS)

 

Am i naive to think this is going somewhere? And if it is going somewhere.... is it because i am this quiet patient girl that puts up with some crap and i represent a "good to be at home wife" material? Am i just a comfortable relationship to him?

Did i just put my heart in the hands of a really bad man?

[MaryFrancine]

i know how stupid i sound, but i am 26 and this is my second relationship. I am a hopeless romantic , always have been, and i honestly believe that .....i don't know.... in some twisted way i thout he would change his ways considering everyone said he is so relaxed with me and .... looks more peaceful than in his previous relationships. more caring, attentive

[Raena]

Do yourself a favor and get out of there as fast as you can before he hurts you too.

[Phantom888]

The thing with cheaters...you can never trust them. Without trust, you can't have a solid relationship. You shouldn't allow people to treat you badly, no matter how much feelings you have for them. You heart makes excuses for bad behavior, but your brain knows he's bad for you. It will be hard to get over him, but take care of yourself first, and when you are 100% healthy in mind & soul, you will see that he was never a good man for you.

[soccerrprp]

.... looks more peaceful than in his previous relationships. more caring, attentive

 

Did he tell you that or did you observe this? Classic line. I feel so different when I'm with you.....you're so different from the other girls.....ugh. Lines like these and the trusted I LOVE YOU words get you girls all the time....

 

Think, think, think....

[Yookie]

It's a good thing you wrote that out so you can read it back to yourself and see how it looks from the outside looking in. You knew he was a cheater from jump.

 

"... we kind of started an emotional affair and i supported him and listened to him complaining about his relationship"

This was your first clue about what kind of person you are dealing with and what kind of work YOU need to do on yourself.... Instead of working on his relationship, he starts an affair a woman like you who doesn't value herself enough to date an available man with his head on straight.

 

Now that the lies have unraveled for both you and the other women, you still chose to play his game. Good luck with that.

[MaryFrancine]

yeah, i know. i fell for him in the worst way possible. now i am in a situation where i have no money left, he's keping all the expenses, and i live with him in a city where i don't know anyone and have no job. Guess that i already got a big pile of Karma. and no, is not trolling. And the change in him was observed by others that knew him prior to me.

Not just my observation

[MaryFrancine]

The thing with cheaters...you can never trust them. Without trust, you can't have a solid relationship. You shouldn't allow people to treat you badly, no matter how much feelings you have for them. You heart makes excuses for bad behavior, but your brain knows he's bad for you. It will be hard to get over him, but take care of yourself first, and when you are 100% healthy in mind & soul, you will see that he was never a good man for you.

 

That's the thing.... he did nothing bad to me. Well except lieing and cheating that i made excuses for, of course. That he was still in the grieving process and didn't know what he wanted.

But as far as treating me ....

Oh hell i feel like crap. He did treat his ex bad at some point , but now i am jalous of her for standing up for herself when she found out she was cheated on, calling him on his BS, and ....getting a begging for their relationship like it was supposed to. not filled with lies.

[Grumpybutfun]

That's the thing.... he did nothing bad to me. Well except lieing and cheating that i made excuses for, of course. That he was still in the grieving process and didn't know what he wanted.

But as far as treating me ....

Oh hell i feel like crap. He did treat his ex bad at some point , but now i am jalous of her for standing up for herself when she found out she was cheated on, calling him on his BS, and ....getting a begging for their relationship like it was supposed to. not filled with lies.

 

Congratulations for being an accomplice/enabler for a complete douche cheat wad. You know this is all horrid. You know... because how could you not? Everything you posted numbered one by one is a deal breaker in any healthy/ stable relationship...every single one. You are a part of the reason most men on this site believes that girls love users and creeps.

 

All the pain and anger he will put you through is exactly what you signed on for. Have fun when he cheats over and over again because you will never be enough for someone who is so corrupt. See you on the infidelity thread if you get married.

SMH,

Grumps

Edited November 21, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[ExpatInItaly]

Your guy is a loser. Plain and simple. If you choose to stay with him, that's on you. Why do you want a cheating loser for a "boyfriend"?

 

By the way, I can guarantee he doesn't see you as patient, wife material. He sees you as a doormat who's very easy to manipulate and mistreat. Someone who will stick by him even when he's sticking it in some other girl.

Edited November 21, 2013 by ExpatInItaly

[MaryFrancine]

Yeah. I don't know why i keep believing that he will change his ways . The inner ways. MAybe because he's good to me in the day by day life. It's like a huge contrast between what i have found out and what i see in him day by day.

I have found all these things digging through his phone, talking to his sister till i got some stuff out of her (she kept in touch with the ex).

I also found out that he had some family issues at some point and started going through therapy but stopped after 5 or 6 sessions. His father cheated on his mom a lot, drank a lot, was abusive to his mom.

 

I guess he looks like a knight in shiny armour right now, because we are new and stuff like that, but at the end of the day, without addressing his issues .... he will get back to his old ways. And i have just been a naive girl thinking i am special and he will change for me. Now i only hope i can get a job , get back on my feet and try to make an escape at the first sign of bad treatment.

 

And yeah, i know it sounds dumb everything i said. I am just naive and see only the best in people and have this stupid tendency of believing beautuful lies.

[MaryFrancine]

I confronted him about the findings and here's what he said

1. He kept in contact with his ex and also had sex because he was confused. Really? So he leaves her after a bad relationship and moves in with me and still confused? Could this be? Did it happen to anyone else who got into a relationship after the affair?

2. he contacted her now and told her he misses her because she gives him some good and out of the box advices and showed me an email telling her that yes, he misses her but don't want to be together again. She replied: who said anything about getting back together with you? The thing she wanted was an honest conversation about what happened between them, and i can understand since she was led on and lied to. She said she wants the closure conversation. In the reply he was backing out on that and i think he does not want to assume responsability of cheating. She said something like: if you want to have an at least polite relationship with me, and call me your "whatever friend", you need to have that conversation with me. Otherwise, be on your way.

3. he said our relationship relaxes him more because our life views are more the same. And here where i started to see a lot of lights in my head. She is the kind of woman with an opened mind. I am more of a "good girl", just my second boyfriend. And this starting to sound like: i could not manipulate her as i can manipulate you

 

4. he even got angry for confronting him telling me that all is good betwen us, why should i think of what was in the past (was 3-4 months ago, so is still fresh)

But yes, he's right when he says that our daily life is good.

He told me that i have to understand that with her were a lot of ugly arguements, but with me he feels peaceful. That is because i do not get into arguements and i let him win it from the start.

 

he says he loves me, that our life is good, that now he feels he's on the right path of his life.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. I am devastated.

[KentuckyGent]

Did he tell you that or did you observe this? Classic line. I feel so different when I'm with you.....you're so different from the other girls.....ugh. Lines like these and the trusted I LOVE YOU words get you girls all the time....

 

Think, think, think....

 

And many of us "boys" too.

[Cinnimon]

It breaks my heart that at 26 you are mixed up in a mess like this

[MissBee]

i know how stupid i sound, but i am 26 and this is my second relationship. I am a hopeless romantic , always have been, and i honestly believe that .....i don't know.... in some twisted way i thout he would change his ways considering everyone said he is so relaxed with me and .... looks more peaceful than in his previous relationships. more caring, attentive

 

He hasn't changed his ways...he has already cheated on you!

 

What other evidence do you need?!

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but being a hopeless romantic will not help you if it means you hopelessly play the fool.

 

This man has issues, and you may too, if you are still hoping to be with him after your list. I responded to your other thread before seeing this, and now I'm even more appalled. Please run from him. He hasn't change and you loving him or him being "relaxed" or whatever won't make him change.

 

He has already disrespected you and cheated on you and a rule of thumb for life is: if before being with someone or in the early stage that should be rosy you find yourself having to make a list of all their negative qualities, you probably should avoid being with them.

[GG3]

He told me that i have to understand that with her were a lot of ugly arguements, but with me he feels peaceful. That is because i do not get into arguements and i let him win it from the start.

 

From my experience these types always blame the woman they have been cheating on with this excuse. If she dare raises any issue with anything he does, "It's not working out" and they have the right to check out and cheat. They don't care about someone else's emotional needs no matter how small or insignificant.

 

I'd be careful. He put it out there that you make him feel "peaceful" and let him "win it." To me that translates as "Don't you dare ever challenge me and be submissive. Let me do what I want...."

[OpheliaSong]

What are you getting out of this relationship? Really getting? Not just some love words and a pat on the head when you are submissive, but getting as far as him investing his time and affection in you?

[MaryFrancine]

What are you getting out of this relationship? Really getting? Not just some love words and a pat on the head when you are submissive, but getting as far as him investing his time and affection in you?

Someone on my other thread gave me a link and i think i am a codependent in a narcissist-codependent relationship in a way or many.

So, please, don't flip if i ask....why do you mean by what am i getting?

 

Being in just my second relationship, i am even new to this. What normal, not naive people are supposed to get? What should i look and ask for ?

 

And i ask this with all possible honesty.

[MissBee]

Someone on my other thread gave me a link and i think i am a codependent in a narcissist-codependent relationship in a way or many.

So, please, don't flip if i ask....why do you mean by what am i getting?

 

Being in just my second relationship, i am even new to this. What normal, not naive people are supposed to get? What should i look and ask for ?

 

And i ask this with all possible honesty.

 

Mary,

 

I don't think that it being your second relationship is a good reason for allowing this behavior. I'm sorry. But haven't you seen other people in relationships, watched tv, know what is right from wrong?

 

You don't need to have been in many relationships to know what pisss poor behavior looks like and certainly what it feels like!

 

But if you yourself don't even know what you should be getting from your relationships, that is a HUGE problem and I really would suggest you maybe talking to a counselor who knows a lot about codependency to help you figure it out...as it's not about your age or how many relationships you've been in.

 

Do you have any standards for what you want and need from a man or do you simply like any man who acts like he likes you? I'm seriously asking.

[MaryFrancine]

i don't know if i am in love with being in a relationship, in love with beind loved/liked/appreciated, or if i am just in love.

I seriously don't know. As far as movies and books.... Do you know those heartbreaking romances? That was my type of thing. I don't know anymore

[Mcle]

You need to worry about the type of person you are with before you worry about what to expect out of a relationship.

 

This guy is a loser. He has already cheated. He likes the fact that you are easy to manipulate. This is not good. He sounds like an abuser. Don't get pregnant.

 

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[hopewild]

You need to worry about the type of person you are with before you worry about what to expect out of a relationship.

 

This guy is a loser. He has already cheated. He likes the fact that you are easy to manipulate. This is not good. He sounds like an abuser. Don't get pregnant.

 

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Thanks for this link.

[MaryFrancine]

You need to worry about the type of person you are with before you worry about what to expect out of a relationship.

 

This guy is a loser. He has already cheated. He likes the fact that you are easy to manipulate. This is not good. He sounds like an abuser. Don't get pregnant.

 

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This sounds more like my guy and his ex. The beggining of the relationship i can relate to that, but as the development ..it sounds like their relationship.

Even to the point of her going crazy and violent towards him, and this here was the reason he complained about. That is that way. When we first started talking i thought that this was one of her personality traits, and didn't think for one second he could of made her that way.

 

After asking more questions about their relationship i found out that she was the kind to speak out, not take BS, but otherwise joyful, sociable, funny person, but later one she became more bitter and agressive towards him. Meanwhile she had to change her number because there were too many people from her past calling her, she stopped seing friends because they were telling her he is bad news and not suited for her.

 

This is what i know from their relationship.

 

For ours now, it's all the honeymoon phase but still i get to see some of these stuff. I did change my number and i actually believed it was just my decision. Looking back i remember i did this because we were talking about my ex and how he got upset he still contacts me from time to time, so i decided to change my number not to upset him.

 

Is true that when you are happier it shows on every aspect of your life. But at this point i don't know if me making him happy now will actually make him be a better man for the long run.

 

I read a lot on the subject on many forums, and i see people talking about how an easy relationship can make you better. And most of these persons were , at some point, the OW/OM or the CS.

 

On the other hand, specialists in human behavior say that easy relationships are those relationships that try and hide the bad parts under a rug, and at some point they will come out.

 

I am trying to make a sense of what i got myself into, and.... the more i read, the more i can see the not so bright future.

 

I know i should enjoy it right now and let it all unfold for me, but even though i am only 26, i wish for a family, and a healthy nice ... home.

I wasn't looking just for some fun.

[Mcle]

Abusers don't change because a relationship is "easier". Your relationship is only easier because it is newer and you sound weaker than his ex. Do not think that you can "save" him by being easier to deal with. If he is an abuser, that is who he is and who he will be with you.

[WrinkledForehead]

If something doesn't feel right in an R, then something is wrong in the R. Either they work together as a couple towards resolution or they don't. The latter option shows communication issues & may ultimately lead towards resentment, a gap in the couple bond, and likely the ultimate demise of the R.