KissMyTiara Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 If/when I actually verbalize how I feel about him, what will he do? I'm sure he "knows," but as far as I am concerned he doesn't really KNOW, know what I mean? He's one of those people who every single freaking word has this big gigantic meaning. He speaks only with purpose (a lot like Sinner/Immoralist), and there's a hidden purpose behind everything he says - to get a reaction, to inspire action/thought, etc. He's hinted at his own feelings, writing "love" in the Christmas card, saying the word "love" in a sentence towards me more and more often, etc., but so far I have really held back as far as actually SAYING how I feel about him, but I want to. I really want to. Reason? Because once he really knows, really understands the depth of my emotion, that will be STEP #1 in really ending it...because once he knows and he doesn't make a move away from W, that's a HUGE sign that either the feeling isn't returned or ending the M just isn't worth it. But before we get to that... Will he fa-reak out and run? Will he be thrilled and declare love right back? Will he be stoked that he reeeealllyyy has me now, and in return, take advantage of me? Will nothing change? What are your experiences with this? I'd like to hear from both the OW and the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Will he fa-reak out and run? If he really loves you as well, I highly doubt it. Will he be thrilled and declare love right back? Again if he is truly in love with you then yes he will probably tell you that he loves you as well. Will he be stoked that he reeeealllyyy has me now, and in return, take advantage of me? If he wants to keep you around without having to "commit" to you and end his marriage then it's possible he might play off this and use it to his advantage, he may tell you what he knows you want to hear and work it to his favor... Will nothing change? Only time will tell...no one can actually tell you for sure (as you well know) but if it's "meant to be" then I doubt anything will change unless it changes to get better. I'm not an "OW" now but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents since no one had answered you yet (well as I type this). Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 kmt - so hard to say, and i'm not so sure it's completely just an MM issue, don't we fear this with all men? in any case, i don't know that i can be of much help, but, i'm bored and will respond anyway. my MM said it first, and pretty soon after we started our relationship. it had really only been a few weeks. shocked the crap out of me and i almost ran in the other direction...in retrospect i probably should have! and that resulted in some serious conversations about his marriage and how, at the time, he thought it was done and buried. it was probably a few weeks after that before i felt i could say it back. he's a warm, caring person and said it 'cause he felt it, but was very understanding that i wasn't ready to say it back. needless to say, when i did, he was thrilled! our relationship (which was mostly email and some phone at that point) changed, but for the better. we spent more time on the phone and talked a lot about our feelings and how much we looked forward to being together someday. but.... sometimes life just sucks rocks! and i agree that if he feels it too he won't run. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 I dunno KMT, When my MM and I said it first it was about 6-7 months into our relationship and he wasnt married yet. It was one of those things that I had heard him try to say many times before... It would be.. "I lo... uh.. miss you." So for a while we just said "I miss you" then one night, like I said about 6-7 months into our relationship we both said it... I will never forget that night... it was perfect. I am sure that if your MM loves you and you say it first, he will say it. He prolly is just nervous about saying it first. Chin up and go for it. Mine said it just a few hours ago.. everytime I hear him say it, it melts my heart just like it did the first time he said it. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Speaking with "purpose," allow me to respond on behalf of your MM. First, your MM is an intelligent, experienced adult. Given the length and intensity of your relationship most likely he will not panic and run. He's a big boy; he can handle professions of love from someone with whom he has been intimate for months. Second, he will be flattered by your profession of love. We all want to be loved--especially by those who have seen us naked. Third, your MM will recognize that the relationship, at least from your perspective, has moved from the completely carnal to serious emotional involvement and commitment. (Note: Few, if any, ongoing adult sexual relationships are completely carnal or, if they are, they don't stay that way for long. Fortunately (or unfortunately) life is not a porn shoot.) This may give him pause--especially if he does not believe he can provide you with the expected reciprocation. My best guess, depending on the setting, he'll reciprocate. Setting matters: You might not get the same reaction if you call him at work and tell him you love him than you would by expressing love after you both had some drinks and have just completed some monstrously good sex. Timing is almost everything. Last, and I'm sorry to say this, I strongly doubt that he'll be any more disposed to leave his family because you both exchange the "L"-word. Your relationship will become more romantic, which will add spice. Unfortunately, what won't be added is any impetus, on his part, to kiss his family good-bye when he can enjoy both hot mistress and a devoted (if occasionally irritating) wife. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
LiveLoveLaugh Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by immoralist (Note: Few, if any, ongoing adult sexual relationships are completely carnal or, if they are, they don't stay that way for long. Fortunately (or unfortunately) life is not a porn shoot.) thanks sinner, now you went and ruined it for me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by immoralist Unfortunately, what won't be added is any impetus, on his part, to kiss his family good-bye when he can enjoy both hot mistress and a devoted (if occasionally irritating) wife. What about the hot AND devoted MISTRESS and the ALWAYS irritating wife?! Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 What about the hot AND devoted MISTRESS and the ALWAYS irritating wife?! Absent minor children, I'd say, given the situation as you describe, there'd be a substantial likelihood of the MM trading spouses. If minor children are involved, however, I still believe that , at most, the odds of leaving, even in the worst of marriages, are about even. Yes, some men do leave wives and kids for other women. I suspect these brave (or desperate) souls are in the decided minority. Each situation is different. But I would be very, very surprised if your MM opts out of his marriage given the tender ages of his children. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 What about the hot AND devoted MISTRESS and the ALWAYS irritating wife?! add the word threatening to the wife part and you have my situation! and he stayed with her, and their kids are older....you just never know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by immoralist Absent minor children, I'd say, given the situation as you describe, there'd be a substantial likelihood of the MM trading spouses. If minor children are involved, however, I still believe that , at most, the odds of leaving, even in the worst of marriages, are about even. Yes, some men do leave wives and kids for other women. I suspect these brave (or desperate) souls are in the decided minority. Each situation is different. But I would be very, very surprised if your MM opts out of his marriage given the tender ages of his children. What age would they have to be for you to reconsider? Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Kids can make even a very bad marriage, sticky. The MM is excoriated on these boards for being the very paradigm of selfishness. Yet many MM are extremely reluctant to exit even a dead marriage when children are in the picture. No one wants their child to hate them for nuking their young lives. It's the children, not the spouse, who are usually the centripetal force. The older and more independent the children the less binding force they are able to exert. If the children are a relatively mature 15 or over, I believe many men are less inclined to remain in a dead marriage just for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Objection: Non-responsive. Move to strike. Need I repeat the question, sir? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 in my case, the kids did have a lot to do with it. they're 18 and 21, one would think that that's old enough. but they wanted the kids to be settled and not in a year of transition. i think they were both worried, and rightly so, that if they added divorce into the mix and one of the kids had a bad transitional year that they would never forgive themselves for messing it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara If/when I actually verbalize how I feel about him, what will he do? I'm sure he "knows," but as far as I am concerned he doesn't really KNOW, know what I mean? He's one of those people who every single freaking word has this big gigantic meaning. He speaks only with purpose (a lot like Sinner/Immoralist), and there's a hidden purpose behind everything he says - to get a reaction, to inspire action/thought, etc. He's hinted at his own feelings, writing "love" in the Christmas card, saying the word "love" in a sentence towards me more and more often, etc., but so far I have really held back as far as actually SAYING how I feel about him, but I want to. I really want to. Reason? Because once he really knows, really understands the depth of my emotion, that will be STEP #1 in really ending it...because once he knows and he doesn't make a move away from W, that's a HUGE sign that either the feeling isn't returned or ending the M just isn't worth it. But before we get to that... Will he fa-reak out and run? Will he be thrilled and declare love right back? Will he be stoked that he reeeealllyyy has me now, and in return, take advantage of me? Will nothing change? What are your experiences with this? I'd like to hear from both the OW and the MM. KMT~ Well, I can speak from direct experience here..... I first told my MM I loved him this past April, in Vegas, only 3 months after we had first met. We were in the midst of passion. I asked him, "do you love me?" He said yes. I asked him to say it, he did but it seemed as though he did not want to. I believe he was afraid to admit it to himself at the time. Now he says it on occasion but he is the type of person that does not express his feelings that openly. He told me that he has never really loved anyone the way that I do or can. Not even his wife. I believe the only ones he truly loves with all his heart are his children. He also signs notes with Love to me, but I understand that it is not a gateway to ultimately being with me. In my case, professing my undying love to him has caused me great pain as I know that no matter how much or how many times I say it, it will not change our relationship to the point that he will actually think about leaving his family. He did not freak out and run, as immoralist said "we all want to be loved". Thrilled.......hmmmm......don't really know, I'd say more like pleased. Take advantage of me..... only in the way that no matter how many times I tried to break it off, he would find a way to get to me. Song lyrics are/were our big downfall......He'd e-mail me songs, make my heart melt......he has a way of getting under my skin. But still......nothing has changed. It has been nearly a year now that we have been together and he remains steadfast in his conviction that he will not leave his wife. He does also have small children, but even if he didn't, I still don't think he would leave even though he says he would. He says he does not love his wife, but I think deep down he really does. We shall see (if I still know him), perhaps in 16 years when his children are off to college, he may decide to leave her. But you know what? I doubt it....... Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 What age would they have to be for you to reconsider? A mature 15, or 16, at a minimum. Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I know that no matter how much or how many times I say it, it will not change our relationship to the point that he will actually think about leaving his family. Patiently waiting aptly summarizes love's limits. Love often is not enough: An affair approaches other worldly perfection because of its unreality. What motivation would a MM have to transform his Princess of an OW into a Frog of a Wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Don't worry about what the hell he does. Rejoice in the fact by telling him you are in love with him and beign honest about what you want will FREE you-if he runs, then you hurt and move on. If he stays, then you work on that. My MM is out of town at the moment with his CLW's remaining parent. I get to call him when he's back at work later this week. I'm ALMOST considering not doing it-I asked the "question" if he would leave and he said yes-I'd rather just keep that in my head at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
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