FnlyFrei Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Hi, I am new here. I have been in and out of an off-again on-again relationship for over two years. He is 8 years younger than I am, which might be the source of some insecurity, but an ongoing problem we have had...(I have had) is that he stares/ogles other women in front of me. From the waitress at a restaurant to whatever girl is sitting across the bar...he doesn't just notice a pretty girl. He visually absorbs her, to the point that the girl notices and starts flipping her hair about and giggling. I have tried to ignore it, we have broken up over it, and he has tried to convince me that he isn't doing anything wrong, and that I am just super-jealous. I know men (and women) look...but when does looking/staring become disrespectful? It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I have verbalized this to him many times. I am not ugly, and he is not a movie star either... Link to post Share on other sites
Outsider77 Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 It is very disrespectful and if he really cared about you he would take your feelings seriously. Both men and women are still going to notice attractive people when they are in a relationship, but it's not acceptable to ogle other people with your partner around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FnlyFrei Posted November 21, 2013 Author Share Posted November 21, 2013 Thanks for your input. This is probably a dead-end relationship, and there are more signs than just this one. I care about him so much that I almost hope that it is all me, and that if I just correct my behavior, it will work out happily ever after for us. But logic tells me otherwise. (duh) And there is no one I can talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 FnlyFrei: Honestly, your perception of the matter is what he should be taking into consideration. When we care about someone else we want to build them up, not tear them down. Two things concerned me about your thread...he is eight years younger so I am thinking maybe he is not at the same place emotionally, intellectually or experience wise as you. The other things is that you have verbalized this many times and he is ignoring your feelings. Yes, we all look at the opposite sex, but discreetly if in a relationship and we don't smile and flirt with our eyes after the waitress notices. Highly disrespectful. He may just be too immature to grasp the severity of how his behaviors make you feel. Move on, Grumps 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Outsider77 Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Don't ignore the signs. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. There needs to be effort from both sides of the relationship. If you let yourself be blinded by your feelings for him, you will only be hurt in the end. There are plenty of caring guys out there who want to be in a healthy relationship. So don't settle for someone who isn't going to treat you right. You deserve to be respected, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FnlyFrei Posted November 21, 2013 Author Share Posted November 21, 2013 A friend once told me at the end of another relationship, to write down a list of all of the good and the bad things so that I could visually put it into perspective. I know if I did that now with this relationship, it would be overwhelmingly apparent what my decision should be, I do not know what keeps me grasping at straws and small, miniscule vestiges of hope...insecurity? I would call it "love", but I have learned that in itself isn't always the best reason to hang on. It has been two years. Things are okay right now...I guess that my inner hope doesn't want to throw this away. How does one get over that? I wish I was logical. We have broken up numerous times, and always seem to get back together. Ugh. Why is this so hard? I wish I could just leave this where it is and enjoy the good parts, but I always seem to head for want of a commitment, when I know he doesn't want one. I guess it is okay to want that, if it is with someone who wants it to. Why am I stuck on this one person? Link to post Share on other sites
Outsider77 Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 I think it's a good idea to write a "good" and "bad" list. I'm sure you are emotionally attached to this guy. You've known him a long time. You are maybe afraid of losing the investment that you've put in. You are probably also afraid of being alone. All these things are normal, but in the end all that matters is whether or not you are going to be happy with this person. If he's not going to be able to offer the things you want in the relationship, you are not going to be happy. If you give up on the things you want, you'll most likely regret it later. It all depends on if you are willing to give up your dreams and your future happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
old Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Looking at other people is OK. Difficult not to do it. We have eyes and in a public place there will be other people we cannot fail to see. Looking at them for a second or two for whatever reason is OK. Visual absorbing (your phrase) could reasonably be considered disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I agree with the people who say noticing is okay but ogling is not. My husband takes a double look here or there when an extremely attractive girl walk by. I do the same so I can't really be mad. But to make it obvious and do it all the time? That shows a complete disregard for your feelings. This isn't about you being jealous or him maybe cheating one day. This is about him not carrying about your feelings. And that can turn abusive very fast. Work on you and making you someone who doesn't need a guy. Develop self respect, get some active hobbies. If you don't have close platonic friends, get them. When you have built a good self esteem and love yourself you won't tolerate someone treating you like crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts