Staying in contact to reconcile?

[RDawg]

Hello everyone

 

So my gf of nearly three years broke it off about 6 weeks ago. We were in a very serious relationship, we bought a house together a year ago and I think we both believed we would get married and have children. I won't go into the details of what caused the breakup, but I will admit I was mostly responsible. She fell out of love with me and in the end I did something very stupid that gave her the opportunity she needed to leave.

 

We have seen each other a couple of times since the breakup and spent a lot of time going over what we both did to cause the destruction of our relationship. When we met last week she said she was amazed at how well we've been able to communicate since the split and we both regret not having communicted properly with one another before things deteriorated to the point of break up.

 

She is open to remaining in contact and I would very much like to try and reconcile with her. Now I know everyone says go NC and that you will never reconcile by being friends but we both still enjoy each others company and it seems impossible to cut each other out of our lives completely. I accept that the chances of reconciliation are very slim so I am happy to see her occaisionally without any expectations.

 

So my question is this, have any of you ever managed to reconcile by staying in contact?

 

Thanks

Rob

[d0nnivain]

NC works to help one person heal when the other person is already out the door. If you two are comminicating amicably & you are seeing resolution of the problems that broke you apart, keep talking. In your case, you have to keep talking because you have to resolve the home ownership issues with the bank: who's staying on the mortgage? who's buying who out? can you afford that? etc.

[2fargone]

Yes, but that happened in a matter of days. Only then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello everyone

 

So my gf of nearly three years broke it off about 6 weeks ago. We were in a very serious relationship, we bought a house together a year ago and I think we both believed we would get married and have children. I won't go into the details of what caused the breakup, but I will admit I was mostly responsible. She fell out of love with me and in the end I did something very stupid that gave her the opportunity she needed to leave.

 

We have seen each other a couple of times since the breakup and spent a lot of time going over what we both did to cause the destruction of our relationship. When we met last week she said she was amazed at how well we've been able to communicate since the split and we both regret not having communicted properly with one another before things deteriorated to the point of break up.

 

She is open to remaining in contact and I would very much like to try and reconcile with her. Now I know everyone says go NC and that you will never reconcile by being friends but we both still enjoy each others company and it seems impossible to cut each other out of our lives completely. I accept that the chances of reconciliation are very slim so I am happy to see her occaisionally without any expectations.

 

So my question is this, have any of you ever managed to reconcile by staying in contact?

 

Thanks

Rob

[RDawg]

Thanks for the response. Yes the house is a major issue that needs to be resolved. I am hoping to get it transferred into my name at some point but I will need to raise additional finance.

 

Saturday is her birthday and I am so tempted to send her flowers but I know that's probably inappropriate. I think a short email will be better received.

 

As the dumpee one always assumes that the dumper is doing ok and that they are moving on quickly but I have found this not to be the case, I was surprised to see that she is also really struggling. When I put myself in her shoes I can see why though, it was also her hopes and dreams that have dissolved. All so unnecessary if only we had taken the time and effort to really speak to each other when things got rough.

[d0nnivain]

Saturday is her birthday and I am so tempted to send her flowers but I know that's probably inappropriate. I think a short email will be better received.

 

Flowers may be over the top but an e-mail is not enough. Send a snail mail card preferably a sappy one.

 

FWIW, men have been sending flowers to women for all eternity as a way of saying sorry & to curry favor. It's a cliche for a reason & the backbone of the florist industry.

[BC1980]

Don't acknowledge the birthday. She needs to be hit, again and again, with how life is without you to be able to rethink her decision. You do that by stepping out of her life. Let her feel how awful it is to get no card from you. It's necessary for her to feel that if she is going to rethink her decision. You have to allow her to be confronted with all of the emotions if losing you.

 

It will probably take a really long time for her to rethink any decision, which is why I advocate NC. You have got to heal. Don't play games with LC. Let time do its thing. Use LC at the cost of your own sanity and personal growth. Just a warning from someone who tried it.

 

The amazing thing about NC is that you can use it to evolve and get over her, which is the primary purpose.

[Canadiangirl78]

I think you should acknowledge her birthday, but how you do that is up to you. I get upset when I see people say that NC is the ONLY way, cut them off, don't do this, don't do that, cut them out completely.. Don't get me wrong, I think NC does work in many cases, but not every single breakup calls for NC because while every breakup has similarities, each one is also different. My ex (4yrs together) and I broke up almost 2 months ago and we still talk and hang out all the time. We hung out last night, took our 2 yr old son to dinner and the park. It's what works for us. We enjoy each other's company and we are still deeply connected just like you and your ex. Whatever feels right to you is what YOU have to do.

[LifeIsGreat]

I normally go NC after a break-up. But after my last one (she broke up with me) a therapist suggested going the LC route. So I did. For 3 months we stayed in touch and she told me she was really enjoying our time together since I ceased all conflict.

 

But for some reason, even without giving her reason, she just got more and more distant. Then she broke up with me again. Haven't spoke in almost 5 months.

 

I don't regret going the LC route. It just proved to me that I could be a better man by addressing some of the issues that broke us up. It also proved that her reasons for the break-up were simply excuses. Why would you break up with me again after things were so much better between us?

 

But anyway, go ahead with LC ONLY IF you can keep your **** together and if you feel you can do it with no expecatations. Continue to live your life and even seeing other women. IF staying in touch is going to make you crazy with hope or heart ache, then don't do it. Go NC instead, and once you have healed try to open up communication again. Start dating all over again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Flowers may be over the top but an e-mail is not enough. Send a snail mail card preferably a sappy one.

 

FWIW, men have been sending flowers to women for all eternity as a way of saying sorry & to curry favor. It's a cliche for a reason & the backbone of the florist industry.

 

Anything sappy is a bad play. In fact, he shouldn't send a thing. She needs to realize that once you break up with a guy, you don't get all the perks of having a boyfriend without giving him the perks of having a girlfriend. I'm going to have to disagree with you.

[Canadiangirl78]

Sometimes people break up with their significant other and sometimes they do realize how much they love that person after being apart. When the dumper questions their decision to end the relationship, they do not ALWAYS need to be "taught a lesson" by being met with silence. It does happen where people in the heat of the moment break up with their spouse and regret it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sometimes people break up with their significant other and sometimes they do realize how much they love that person after being apart. When the dumper questions their decision to end the relationship, they do not ALWAYS need to be "taught a lesson" by being met with silence. It does happen where people in the heat of the moment break up with their spouse and regret it.

 

It has nothing to do with teaching them a lesson and has everything to do with giving them what they want. If you don't want to be in a romantic relationship, that's fine, but that means you don't get the perks of contact. The choices you make have consequences. It's not being vengeful, it's giving them what they wanted.

[organizedchaos]

I think you should acknowledge her birthday, but how you do that is up to you. I get upset when I see people say that NC is the ONLY way, cut them off, don't do this, don't do that, cut them out completely.. Don't get me wrong, I think NC does work in many cases, but not every single breakup calls for NC because while every breakup has similarities, each one is also different. My ex (4yrs together) and I broke up almost 2 months ago and we still talk and hang out all the time. We hung out last night, took our 2 yr old son to dinner and the park. It's what works for us. We enjoy each other's company and we are still deeply connected just like you and your ex. Whatever feels right to you is what YOU have to do.

 

If you're happy just being friends and can handle this situation when your ex starts becoming romantically involved with someone else as you two are just buddies, then great!

 

If you can't handle that arrangement, then NC is the only way to keep your sanity and sleep at night.

[Canadiangirl78]

I was speaking specifically to this situation. The OP said that they are still enjoying their time together and are having a hard time cutting each other out each other's lives. It was also mentioned that since they've been apart they have learned to communicate with one another better and seem to have recognized where they were struggling before. In my opinion this seems like one of those times that there may be hope for them. I just wanted to point out the other side of things which is sometimes it does work out if you stay in contact with each other after the breakup

[Never Again]

It has nothing to do with teaching them a lesson and has everything to do with giving them what they want. If you don't want to be in a romantic relationship, that's fine, but that means you don't get the perks of contact. The choices you make have consequences. It's not being vengeful, it's giving them what they wanted.

 

Agreed.

 

Don't let them have their cake and eat it too.

 

Being civil, polite or positive if you're obligated to interact is one thing...but going out of your way to give them attention? They forfeited that privilege when they left the relationship.

 

In other words - they won't know what it's like to REALLY lose you until you leave. So create that void - they wanted it, so give it to them.

[Never Again]

I was speaking specifically to this situation. The OP said that they are still enjoying their time together and are having a hard time cutting each other out each other's lives. It was also mentioned that since they've been apart they have learned to communicate with one another better and seem to have recognized where they were struggling before. In my opinion this seems like one of those times that there may be hope for them. I just wanted to point out the other side of things which is sometimes it does work out if you stay in contact with each other after the breakup

 

It can, but only if both sides are clear that it's at least an option.

 

Otherwise it's really just limbo.

 

Starting fresh is great and I advocate for it 100%. Orbiting around one another with no clear direction to "see how it goes" usually just results in a mess.

[organizedchaos]

I was speaking specifically to this situation. The OP said that they are still enjoying their time together and are having a hard time cutting each other out each other's lives. It was also mentioned that since they've been apart they have learned to communicate with one another better and seem to have recognized where they were struggling before. In my opinion this seems like one of those times that there may be hope for them. I just wanted to point out the other side of things which is sometimes it does work out if you stay in contact with each other after the breakup

 

Yeah, OP and in your case, enjoy being in limbo, if that's what you want.

 

But be clear to each other that it's just that, limbo. If both parties are doing this clearly stating the intent is to see if reconciliation is possible, then go for it. But if you haven't had that conversation, then you're in the friend zone. Congrats!

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you very much for posting your story. I have been struggling for the last week with a possible break up and your post has helped me to stay strong.

 

My relationship suffered from neglect. I am a driven woman career wise and stopped taking the time to show my love, even though I loved my man very much. He finally snapped and withdrew emotionally. This was the most difficult thing for me to experience as we always had such an emotional connection. I still tear up thinking about it.

Anyway, when we had our blow up, he was an empty shell and I immediately knew what I had done. I did beg and plead, but I did so mostly to show him how much I still loved him. He finally decided he needed time to think and moved out for a one month break. When he left he made no commitments that he would come back to the relationship, but we are still officially together.

He asked that I leave him alone, and I have respected it by not contacting him.

It has been 6 days NC and a hell of a roller coaster, but I have come to realize that the NC has actually helped me to think more clearly about everything. And though I cry for him every night, each day I grow stronger as a person and have more respect for myself. Use the NC time to work on your mental and emotional state. To work out your co-dependent issues. Happiness can only come from you, you can't expect the other person to give you happiness.

LT relationships you often forget this and NC is used to help you clear the emotional baggage so that you both can be stronger together if it is meant to be. And if it is not, then you have made it so much easier on yourself.

 

With that said, I did leave him a vm message to today to tell him that I loved him and am committed to him. But only a message and that is the only contact until he is ready to contact me.

 

But the NC enabled me to be clear in my message to him without begging and pleading.

 

Hoping my experience will help others.

[Simon Phoenix]

It can, but only if both sides are clear that it's at least an option.

 

Otherwise it's really just limbo.

 

Starting fresh is great and I advocate for it 100%. Orbiting around one another with no clear direction to "see how it goes" usually just results in a mess.

 

It's pretty much the worst thing to do. And when orbiting does result in 'reconciliation' it's usually temporary and doomed from the start. If you are cool with being friends and capable of it without having any thoughts of more, then great, but that's rare in the immediate aftermath of the break.

[JourneyLady]

Agreed.

 

Don't let them have their cake and eat it too.

 

Being civil, polite or positive if you're obligated to interact is one thing...but going out of your way to give them attention? They forfeited that privilege when they left the relationship.

 

In other words - they won't know what it's like to REALLY lose you until you leave. So create that void - they wanted it, so give it to them.

 

Priviledge? Perks? This has all the evidence of a "power play" which is NOT what no contact is for....

 

My ex-bf pulled this one all the time, ignoring me for weeks whether he or I was the one who chose the break (he was abusive). The resentment that constant playing with power caused, created a breach and mistrust that cannot be overcome, leading me to stay away from him once and for all. It's a child's play "I'll take my ball and go home." rather than a reasonable response to difficulties in a relationship. Often I left because he was gaslighting and disrespecting me.

 

I stay in NC now because I know my own weaknesses and his ability to play contrition for a little while to get what he wants. I really did (and still do) love the guy, but his constant playing with power and being selfish like that did him in. In a 55+ year old man, it's very unattractive. In fact, it was his "teach you a lesson" mentality that finally made me see the relationship was never going to get any better.

Edited November 22, 2013 by JourneyLady

[Simon Phoenix]

Priviledge? Perks? This has all the evidence of a "power play" which is NOT what no contact is for....

 

My ex-bf pulled this one all the time, ignoring me for weeks whether he or I was the one who chose the break (he was abusive). The resentment that constant playing with power caused, created a breach and mistrust that cannot be overcome, leading me to stay away from him once and for all. It's a child's play "I'll take my ball and go home." rather than a reasonable response to difficulties in a relationship. Often I left because he was gaslighting and disrespecting me.

 

I stay in NC now because I know my own weaknesses and his ability to play contrition for a little while to get what he wants. I really did (and still do) love the guy, but his constant playing with power and being selfish like that did him in. In a 55+ year old man, it's very unattractive. In fact, it was his "teach you a lesson" mentality that finally made me see the relationship was never going to get any better.

 

If you are broken up, there is no relationship, therefore no reason to talk. If he pulls the silent treatment in the relationship, then yes, that is inappropriate, but if you are broken up, he's not obligated to talk to you, nor should he be.

[BC1980]

Priviledge? Perks? This has all the evidence of a "power play" which is NOT what no contact is for....

 

My ex-bf pulled this one all the time, ignoring me for weeks whether he or I was the one who chose the break (he was abusive). The resentment that constant playing with power caused, created a breach and mistrust that cannot be overcome, leading me to stay away from him once and for all. It's a child's play "I'll take my ball and go home." rather than a reasonable response to difficulties in a relationship. Often I left because he was gaslighting and disrespecting me.

 

I stay in NC now because I know my own weaknesses and his ability to play contrition for a little while to get what he wants. I really did (and still do) love the guy, but his constant playing with power and being selfish like that did him in. In a 55+ year old man, it's very unattractive. In fact, it was his "teach you a lesson" mentality that finally made me see the relationship was never going to get any better.

 

Here's the thing. NC is always about healing and protecting yourself. However, NC actually does have other perks that are part of the package. I would never advocate NC as a power play, but it does take power away from the dumper. NC is the best way for someone to rethink a breakup. That is just the truth.

 

However, if NC were used as a power play, only the dumpee is getting played by not moving on. In your instance, it does seem that it was used inappropriately.

 

I think this poster should not wish a happy birthday because he is too close to his breakup and wishing for reconciliation that isn't happening right now. He very much needs NC. I'm saying this as someone who made a mess of myself post breakup and am paying for it. NC is also needed for growth, so, if a second chance did arise, you would have evolved. NC forces you to get rid of hope, and that is what he needs right now.

Edited November 22, 2013 by BC1980

[Canadiangirl78]

I understand fully the argument being made, however, I don't see matters of the heart in the same sort of textbook way. I fully understand the concepts of what you are saying regarding NC, it's just not everyone's heart and mind work in the same way, not every couple finds NC to be the way to regardless of the outcome.

[RDawg]

Thank you for all your input.

 

I have had a shift in my thinking and I am pretty sure that it is in my best interests to just focus on myself for a while. I do not feel in control of my health or my job at the moment and I need to rectify this as my number one priority.

 

I do not want to push my ex to consider a reconciliation and whilst we enjoy each others company and have been able to understand our issues and communicate honestly and effectively I think that too much damage has been done. It is such a shame that she didn't tell me some months ago what she was feeling. This whole experience has proven to me just how important communication is in a committed relationship. If one party just withdraws and hopes things will get better it's never going to work.

 

So the way I feel now is that I am not going to initiate any more contact. The house we own together is still an issue that I need to resolve so there will be contact in the future on that. But for now I just want to feel physically well again and get on top of my job.

 

It has been 2 months since the split and I am feeling some acceptance starting to sink in. In all honesty it is too draining to keep giving it so much thought and energy.

 

Thanks again for all your advice.

[Canadiangirl78]

Fantastic on coming to a decision about the contact. I'm sure that in itself is a relief. I find these forums invaluable because of the different opinions and outlooks from each and every person that posts here, it really does help. I wish you the very best on your journey..take care of yourself.