Confession of Crush - 3 Questions

[Walker69]

Hi Ladies,

Take the story this way:

Your male married co-worker (who you like very much as a co-worker) has crush on you. You had flirted a lot until you knew his marital status, that has created this crush probably. Then you stepped back and tried to maintain good work relation.

 

After that he confessed to you about his hard crush and he said that he was trying to be within himself, and he would not act on the crush and wanted to keep you in contact.

 

You and him neither are depended on each other at the work, cutting contact wouldn't impact the work of both of you.

 

1) What action would you take after hearing the confession?

2) How would you feel about him?

3) Would you feel guilty for your act that caused his crush?

Edited November 21, 2013 by Walker69
To make title appropriate

[bentleychic]

1)If I'd already stepped back and tried to maintain a good work relation, I likely wouldn't do anything else except possibly stepped back even more.

 

2)Same as I did previously most likely.

 

3)No. If I'd flirted before knowing he was married and stopped once I knew, I'm not guilty for anything. Perhaps HE should have made it clear from the beginning that he was married. Flirting with someone doesn't automatically make someone have a crush on you, anyway. Perhaps he liked the attention and reveled in it, but flirting does not = instant crush. Those feelings and actions are on him.

[CarrieT]

1) What action would you take after hearing the confession?

Remove myself from his sphere of contact. He wants to remain friendly? That's because he is still garnering a fantasy that can't go anywhere and a "friendship" would be futile.

 

2) How would you feel about him?

I would feel sorry for him. And I would resent him for flirting back, once I learned he was married. I would feel like he lead me on...

 

3) Would you feel guilty for your act that caused his crush?

Not if I didn't know he was married.

[Walker69]

@CarrieT

1) Assume that you ask him not to contact you, he respects your decision - no contact for 1 month, 2 months...3 months or more passes. In the future if he says sorry to you, would you restore formal contact? Or would you just ignore him?

 

2) Would you think it's just resent or hate?

 

@bentleychic

1) Could you please be more specific about "possibly stepped back even more." Does it mean stop contacting him or completely ignore him forever?

[whichwayisup]

You back off and stop flirting and spending time together at work. Keep it clean and simple (no more flirting or touchy/feeling moments if there were any), and focus on work.

 

He is married and has a crush on you. Do you have one on him as well? Most of all, be honest with yourself.

[imfine]

I had a married coworker send me a written confession telling me that he had feelings for me. It was a very long & very intense display of deep feelings that ending by asking if I felt the same way. I was shocked.

 

(1) Here's how I responded, CRICKETS. I did not even acknowledge the note. As far as casual conversation, NO MORE. I only have contact with my coworker now when it's required for my job. I put an end to it before it ever had a chance to even get into a grey area.

 

(2) I felt sorry for him. Something must be amiss in his life for him to reach out like that. But guess what? I'm not the answer to what he's missing. He can go home & discuss that with his wife.

 

(3) I didn't feel guilty because I had good boundaries in place to begin with. My mind never even went there. As a single woman, I had never flirted with him. We had conversations, just like you do with coworkers, but they never were inappropriate. There were no one-on-one lunches, texting, or private phone conversations. Only office chit chat. This was all on him. I feel fine about my behavior with this guy. Now that you know he's married, if you do the right thing, you will too.

[Quiet Storm]

1) What action would you take after hearing the confession?

2) How would you feel about him?

3) Would you feel guilty for your act that caused his crush?

 

 

1) It would make me feel uncomfortable and I would distance myself from him.

 

2) I would feel that his confession was a test to see how I'd respond, and I'd feel offended that he thought I'd be interested in a married man. I'd feel that he was seeking attention & validation, and I would be grossed out to think I was being used as some married guy's ego stroke. I would also feel that he was being disrespectful to his wife by confessing this crush, and any respect for him that I'd had previously would be gone.

 

As a married person, it is normal to feel attraction for others. But to act on that attraction, by giving it a voice, is wrong. He contradicted himself- he said he would not act on the crush, but confessing the crush is clearly "acting on the crush". What was the point of telling if he was not going to act on it? He could have said he was married without mentioning the crush. Announcing the crush, and then pretending to be all noble about it, is clearly a manipulation- he was fishing to gauge your reaction.

 

3) No, I would not feel guilty (as I did not know he was married). I would feel that he was weak. I think as a married person, you should protect and respect your marriage. To allow the flirtations of one person to result in a "crush confession" seems overly dramatic and attention hungry.

 

 

 

To those that feel pity for these types... please do not feel sorry for these guys. They have mothers & sisters, wives & daughters. They KNOW women are sympathetic & nurturing and take advantage of that.

[bentleychic]

@bentleychic

1) Could you please be more specific about "possibly stepped back even more." Does it mean stop contacting him or completely ignore him forever?

 

Most likely cut out all contact unless absolutely necessary. Especially if he was blatant about blaming ME for the crush and the fact that he'd "fallen for" me. That would piss me off, quite honestly.

[Walker69]

Especially if he was blatant about blaming ME for the crush and the fact that he'd "fallen for" me. That would piss me off, quite honestly.

 

He is not blaming you at all, it's you who thinks that way. He has taken all blames absolutely on him. He is not contacting you for 2 months, nor you - no talk, no email, no text, no phone, no seeing/meeting each other. I wonder if you see him in the future would you say Hi or hello? If he says "Hi" or "Hello", would you respond? Would you turn your face away or would you talk?

[Walker69]

Do you have one on him as well? Most of all, be honest with yourself.

 

I don't think I have one on him. Perhaps I just feel him as a good person due to the fact that I found him gentleman, cooperative, and supportive. I realized his crush on me before his confession; stepped back only when he told me that he was married. After that he confessed.

[Walker69]

He texted after 3 months NC that he is sorry now. Should I contact back for work? It's inconvenient at the moment at work.

[cocorico]

He texted after 3 months NC that he is sorry now. Should I contact back for work? It's inconvenient at the moment at work.

 

What would you gain from the contact? What would you lose? Balance the risks and decide - but I'm not seeing what exactly you'd get out of it.

[whatatangledweb]

I would not feel guilty. Many people do harmless flirting. It is not anything other than a form of joking. If I did not know he was married than I would not see the harm in it.

 

If I found out he was married I would pull back from him. I would not want to be involved in that situation.

 

Knowing he had a crush on me when I did not feel that way, on top of finding out he was married, I would feel uncomfortable around him.