I slept with my room mate, so complicated

[youaremysunshine]

I just moved into a new place at the beginning of this month and my room mates are all really cool. I hit it off in particular with one guy. He's really fun and I noticed right away that he seemed to want to spend a lot of time with me, sitting with me while I take my meals, organizing craft nights, texting me just to chat.

 

Two nights ago we watched a movie in his room, and had a few beers. When it was over I told him some ****ed up **** about my home life that the movie brought up and had a little cry. I went downstairs to the kitchen to make a sand which and he came down a few minutes later and kissed me against the counter.

 

Stupidly I went back upstairs with him and we had sex. The sex was good, used a condom. We cuddled and made small talk for a while and spent the night in his bed. In the morning he gave me a massage.

 

I told him it can't happen again and he seems sad. There are three main reasons why this can't happen again: a) we live together b) he's moving to b.c in two months and c) I'm seeing someone

 

That's right! I'm terrible! I've been dating a guy from my home town for two months. We haven't talked about exclusivity and don't see eachother very often because of the distance, but he has been clear about his feelings towards me. I'm sure he'd be hurt if he found out. He's coming over Friday and I feel like and evil witch.

 

Last night my room mate was going on about how he feels like he's known be forever and we have a special connection. I do think we get along very well but I'm emotionally invested in this other guy, even if distance makes it harder.

 

 

I'm not even sure what my question is... I screwed up badly and I'm worried I'm going to hurt both of them

[jimloveslips]

Keep it to yourself, no one has to know, especially your bf.

Tell this other guy to cool it, it was great fun, he really made you feel good at a low point, but that's all it was.

If he keeps on at you tell him to man up.

If he's any sort of a good guy he'll respect your wishes, if not then you dodged a bullet, the guy is an ass and you can drop him as a friend to.

If he still keeps on at you you need to consider some more drastic remedy, like telling everyone else what happened and what an ass he is being.

It's not an ideal situation but you need to keep a level head - think what's best for you (you really have no allegiance to all these other roommates).

Worst comes to it, move again.

[youaremysunshine]

Thanks, I'm glad you don't think I need to break up with the guy I'm seeing. I feel like we have potential and I'm kicking myself for screwing it up.

 

The room mate hasn't tried to sleep with me again but has said everything short of he loves me and suggested I visit him when he moves

[yankees51988]

Sleeping with roommates is always a tricky situation, both your names are on the lease so there is a big problem if it ends bad because you are kind of forced to live with each other unless one of you can find a subletter and new place until the lease is up. It's better not to go there but I can see how it happens quite a bit. Probably wise not to sleep with him again, but as roommates you always drink a lot together so once it happens once it's a bit harder to not do again.

 

As for your boyfriend, I mean you didn't talk about exclusivity but still I think you should tell him. Two months ain't very long so you have a lot better chance him forgiving you now when things aren't very serious than if you guys stay together and he finds out down the line, especially if he becomes friends with the roommate, etc. I think he'd be pissed you didn't tell him then and it'd be a lot more of a deal breaker whereas now you've got a little more wiggle room. It's a coin flip- you can definitely hurt him a little now, or possibly way more later.

[youaremysunshine]

Call me a coward, but I'm not ready to deal with the fall out if I tell my boyfriend. I'm worried he'll dump me or want me to move, or just be constantly suspicious.

 

My room mate hasn't made another pass at me but he has continued to express that he has deep feelings for me (after 3 weeks!) that it's like he's known me his whole life, that even if we can't be together he will always care about me etc...

[Kate9292]

You said he's just someone you're seeing and not your bf yet, as in you haven't talk about exclusivity. Then don't tell him, it's none of his business and you didn't do anything wrong. You can even assume he does the same.

[yankees51988]

Call me a coward, but I'm not ready to deal with the fall out if I tell my boyfriend. I'm worried he'll dump me or want me to move, or just be constantly suspicious.

 

My room mate hasn't made another pass at me but he has continued to express that he has deep feelings for me (after 3 weeks!) that it's like he's known me his whole life, that even if we can't be together he will always care about me etc...

 

Lol, that is pretty selfish. You guys aren't even exclusive you said so what is the big deal? Don't tell him if you guys aren't like a couple, but if you haven't had the talk and things are still kind of serious between you two you should totally tell him. You're afraid he will dump you? So you can cheat but if he dumps you that is unforgivable? Geeze, some people... let the dude know, if you guys aren't serious/exclusive then he probably won't give a s*** and has been hooking up with other girls and it isn't even cheating. If he is really into you it's better to tell him now when it's in the beginning and he will care a lot less than if he finds out later. And if he does care, well then that is his decision if he dumps you, you'll get over it.

[youaremysunshine]

I'd say the fact that we haven't had "the talk" in this case is a cop out. I've known him for six years and know he's a one woman man sort. We've just been taking things slow because of the distance and the fact that I just got out of a relationship.

 

I get that he's totally justified in dumping me if he finds out, that's why I don't want him to find out! I screwed up. My boyfriend probably won't find out because we live in different cities and my room mate is moving cross country in two months.

 

My room mate is a sweetie though, I have the flu and he bought me NyQuil and soup and bathed my brow with a cloth last night when I had a fever.

[M30USA]

This post right here is why I don't get involved in dating anymore. Thanks for refreshing my memory. Happy Thanksgiving.

[greenfairie]

You both didn't make it exclusive so I honestly see no point of mentioning it to him. I feel like if I brought that up to any of the guys I'd be casually dating, they would just say, "Okay cool." or "Okay." lol I don't know what that means but it seems like they don't give a ****.

 

I had a friend with the similar problem. She still lives with the guy, poor gal!

He was pretty disrespectful, kind of compared to the way he's doing you but honestly, I would be uncomfortable if a guy I didn't have feelings for was confessing their feelings for me even after we had sex. I'd feel like I'd need to sit that guy down, tell him straight up, "Yo. We had sex. I feel like we're just friends and I want nothing to change that. I feel so uncomfortable every time you're sharing your feelings towards me because I don't feel the same…." He should respect that. If he doesn't, he's a douche and just try your best to avoid him and make small talk if necessary. He's leaving in a little bit, so you got plenty of time.

[PegNosePete]

You called him your boyfriend earlier. I think this is kind of evidence that you do consider yourself to be in a monogamous relationship even if you have some technicality that you would like to use. You feel bad for a reason: you feel you did wrong. If you didn't think you'd done anything wrong then you wuldn't be here.

 

You cheated and if you have any respect for your boyfriend or your relationship then you will tell him the truth.

[youaremysunshine]

"I'd say the fact that we haven't had "the talk" in this case is a cop out. I've known him for six years and know he's a one woman man sort. We've just been taking things slow because of the distance and the fact that I just got out of a relationship.

 

I get that he's totally justified in dumping me if he finds out, that's why I don't want him to find out! I screwed up. My boyfriend probably won't find out because we live in different cities and my room mate is moving cross country in two months."

 

I know I did wrong, that's why I feel guilty. I don't want to tell him cause it will surely end things at such an early stage. I will have the exclusivity talk with him soon.

 

Also I think the fact that I feel the relationship is/should be exclusive is a sign he's a good guy? I really have zero romantic feelings for him and only see him every week or so cause it's LDR but I keep thinking I just have to be patient and it will grow into something really great

[PegNosePete]

Also I think the fact that I feel the relationship is/should be exclusive is a sign he's a good guy?

You're really contradicting yourself here. You call him your boyfriend and say you want to be exclusive, yet you shagged someone else. That is not what people who want to be exclusive with someone do!

 

I really have zero romantic feelings for him and only see him every week or so cause it's LDR

Wait what? You have zero romantic feelings for your boyfriend? So why is he your boyfriend then? This is getting crazy now.

 

I keep thinking I just have to be patient and it will grow into something really great

Things don't just grow in their own. They have to be nurtured and nourished.

Shagging your room amte is not the best way to go about building a relationship with your boyfriend.

Neither is lying and keeping secrets from him.

[youaremysunshine]

It's hard because he's an old friend, treats me well and deserves a chance. He's a lot older than me and more serious/conservative than me. He's also from a rich family so he has this snobby air, although he doesn't mean to. I always wonder what the hell he wants from me, why he has likes me all these years when we are obviously so different. He's also better looking than me I'd say.

 

Anyway I didn't plot to go cheat on him. I was in a very emotionally venerable place, and I don't think that he would understand and would probably judge me for having a family member struggling with addiction. Also he is too busy to talk anyway and I hardly see him. My room mate understood when I became upset by the movie and was very comforting, even after sex. It shouldn't have happened and won't again.

[Debanked]

Wow. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Do the hometown guy a favor and break it off now. Don't string him along and eventually tell him and break his heart later. (He'll be another candidate for these forums.) We both know if he had slept with another girl it would be a deal-breaker for you!

[youaremysunshine]

I don't know if it would be a deal breaker, in previous relationships it never got serious so fast and I've known that they were seeing other people until we decided to commit (or not commit and then it ended)

 

It would bug me knowing that they were fooling around with their roommate though, since it means the other person is always around when I can't be and I have to interact with then occasionally when I go over.