Long BUT take the time to read & offer ...

[lucky_but_lacking]

Hi to all, and thanks in advance for what I hope is suggestions that will help me get past this.

I am in my early 40's, and my spouse is in his early 50's. We have been together for 3 years, a beautiful relationship that had a tumultuous start, but has progressed to a joining of hearts that I did not think possible. He is the man of my dreams.

I am going to try to summarize the issue so you don't get bored because my post is too long so, long story short...

My spouse was afraid of commitment, having been burned too many times in the past. The result was that, when we first met, he essentially tried to "scare me off" by being a bit of a jerk. He said things to me about past partners that were sexual in nature - examples included telling me about wild sex-filled weeks in Mexico, comments on an ex's breast size (far more ample than mine), telling me he had already met his "sexual ideal", telling me he normally went for blondes with large breasts (sooo not me), making an insensitive comment about my "lady part" (I have had a child, and I do not resemble a playmate down there lol)...I could go on, but you get the gist of it.

In addition to this, after cohabitation, I discovered he was viewing singles on an online forum - when confronted, he said he was curious if anyone he knew was still on the website, but he was not "shopping". He stopped doing this immediately (I am computer-savvy, and have confirmed this time & time again in the past).

This was a man who had been divorced for approximately 20 years, and had not lived with another woman since marriage - until me. He did not "clean house" prior to my moving in. The result was I would inadvertently come across photos of ex partners, many unclothed and in obvious sexual situations. I found love letters, both emotional and sexual in nature. The computer became shared, and there was more of the same on the hard drive. I was exposed to things that I never should have been. Admittedly, I am quite naïve - I have had 3 sexual partners, my spouse being #3, and do have strong beliefs in regards to intimacy. My spouse has had a much more colorful past, and I have had to look at it.

Then he began to suffer from erectile dysfunction. At first, it was "the elephant in the room"-we never discussed it. BUT that, coupled with the beating my self-esteem had taken as a result of everything else, resulted in my feeling not good enough for him sexually. I internalized things.

Fast forward to now - I am currently waiting to have a surgery - a fecal diversion that will leave me with an exterior appliance - a 'poop bag". I will live with this bag for the rest of my life. I welcome it as I have been living in severe pain for close to a year, and this will make the pain go away...but I dread it as I already feel so undesirable and unattractive, sexually.

I will say that my spouse has (obviously) gotten over his fear of being hurt, and loves me unconditionally. I could not wish for a better husband. He continues to berate himself for what he did to me in the past, and would give anything to turn back the clock...but we can't, and I am having SUCH a hard time moving past all this, despite his daily efforts at redemption and his constant willingness to tell me & show me that I am everything he ever wanted.

I have forgiven him, but simply do not know how to regain my sexual self-esteem, especially with the surgery about to happen. I am afraid it will set me back further. This is compounded by the fact that, although he says he will, he has not spoken to his doctor about the possibility of getting some medical assistance for the continued erectile dysfunction.

What a tangled, convoluted plea for advice LOL...but if anyone can help...please do

[lucky_but_lacking]

PS...some may wonder (rightfully so) why the heck I stuck around through all this crap...my spouse certainly does, and thanks his lucky stars every day that I did. All I can say was that I was able to look past the "jerkiness" and see such a good man underneath the behavior. The online activity resulted in extreme anger, but I do believe him when he says he was just looking for people from his previous single circle of friends, and know he has not done so since. My BIG issues is getting the visions of the nudie pictures out of my head (they are stuck like glue, particularly when my health condition has caused major weight loss and I am now skin-on-bones - ugly when compared to the photos I have seen of his ex partners) and regaining my sexual self-esteem...he has tried so hard. I don't know how to make this go away.

[Zahara]

Lucky, I'm feeling so sad for you. You've had to endure so much in your life, and being in the same age range as you are, I'm sitting here as I type imagining how I would face life having to live with a colostomy bag. I admire you for your courage and your ability put things in perspective and welcome this life changing situation. I'm not sure I could do the same. And that alone is a testament as to how strong you are. And you probably don't even realize the extent of your abilities.

 

I can't understand why you stayed with him as well, but as you note, you are seeing that he is showing remorse and he is being the man that you so deserve at the present time. It would be best for you to put his indiscrections in the past and focus on your future and what you can build with him moving forward. Your husband loves you unconditionally, as you say. Embrace it. I understand that it's difficult to just switch off. It's difficult to not allow your past to dictate your future. But if the future is showing you potential to be better, don't tarnish it. You have to be mindful about the reality at hand, and not the past. The bad thoughts will come to bother you but you have to be mindful that they are only thoughts, it is not your reality and rein yourself back into the now. You have to focus on what you currently have infront of you.

 

Have you thought about going to couples counselling? Or even individual counselling to help you figure your way through rebuilding yourself again, not just from the dysfunction from your past with your husband but also in terms of the physical changes that you are facing that is causing you to question your value.

 

As for your husband's ED, my uncle suffered from this and it took him a long time to come to terms with it and seek help. It's such a hard hit on a man's self-esteem and sometimes it is easier to internalize and just shut it out then to deal with it. You could both actually benefit from counselling because there is a lot of unresolved hurt, pain and damage between the two of you.

[fixing]

Wow, just wanted to say you are an amazing and strong woman! Sounds like this guy is the one for you for sure. I think though, at this stage, its best to go to a professional councilor for sure. 100%. And your husband needs to come to terms with his ED, and get help from the doctors. Try now, to focus and be positive about the amazing future that lays ahead. Keep strong, and i think everything will work out great in the end. Keep posting here too, as i find it very helpful to vent and seek comfort. x

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like you both are living out quite a few inhibitions. He sounds like the partner for you though, and you both love each other very much.

 

By his actions he has shown that he loves you very much and continues to do so.

 

Make sure your actions show that you love him, so he really knows that you love him (that may help him regain his confidence).

 

The poop bag thing, you'll feel better after the surgery, but I have yet to meet someone who had pristine sex. By its very nature, sex is graphic. It is always messy (if it is any good). So I wouldn't fuss about the poop bag (though men are visual - so try to minimize how much he has to look at it 'in the moment')

 

Hugs and hope your surgery goes really well.

[Spectre]

I think some might be being a little harsh on the guy. Obviously what he did in terms of trying to push this woman away was wrong..that is something children do. Him looking at singles online was a no no, but he apparently never did it again so maybe he was telling the truth about why he was there.

 

I do think he was wrong and yeah I probably would of dumped this guy if I was a chick. I just wouldn't exactly be calling this guy a loser like some have. I think he has problems, hangups from past relationships. I can relate on that, sometimes when you get burned enough times you might do strange things in order to make sure it never happens again. I am in no way excusing his behavior, I just merely do not feel he is a loser, especially since it seemed he did get his act together.

 

One thing though I do not think the OP should be mad about the old stuff from the guy ex's. There was stuff on the computer, if you are indeed computer savvy like you said then you could probably see when the pics of his ex's etc were last accessed. As for the love letters and other stuff, I'm guessing he wasn't keeping these out in the open or anything? Just talk to him about it and ask him to get rid of them. Those relationships are over, he doesn't need to keep their love letters or anything, since why? There should never come a time in this relationship where he needs to go back and read old love letters or look at old pictures of their ex naked, etc.

[lucky_but_lacking]

I continue to try to come to terms with this issue, and your thoughts have certainly helped. I am going to continue to post, and hope that your insight and candor will help me get to where I want to be mentally and in my relationship prior to my surgery.

My husband and I have continued to have conversations about how I feel...some heated, some tearful. He knows he has damaged me, and claims it is the biggest regret of his life. He lives in fear that he will come home and I will be gone, unwilling to continue to attempt to handle this issue. I'm not sure if "retroactive jealousy" is an accurate label...it feels more like loss - of self, and of what I consider to be something that should be unique to my relationship.

Last night's "conversation" was about a time when I was attempting to "get frisky" in the hot tub...although he was willing to kiss & touch, things did not go any further than that. FYI, I have had a vagina my whole life, and am aware of the risks of intimacy in a hot tub, and was not looking to hit a "home run". Apparently he, too, was aware of those risks, as he informed me that sex in hot tubs could cause yeast infections, and he knew this as he spent a "hot night" in a hot tub with an ex girlfriend and that was the result.

I do not understand why he felt the need to elaborate the way he did. It formed mental pictures in my mind that I certainly did NOT require. I never addressed my discomfort and hurt at the time, and only did so around a year later. He simply doesn't know what the heck he was thinking, and kicks himself for being so callous.

What would cause a man who professes to love a woman to behave this way??

[lucky_but_lacking]

Spectre...it is not the fact that these photos exist, or when they were last accessed (although I did confirm it had not been for a very long time)...it is the fact that I have SEEN them and that, coupled with the callous things that have been said to me, have all been terribly detrimental to my sexual self-esteem. He removed these items without my even having to ask...but more kept on popping up, over and over, for a long time. Just when I thought I was making progress...a new picture would surface, and not only on the shared PC, but in a box in a closet I was organizing for example.

I just wish he would have "cleaned house" prior to cohabitation.

One step forward, two steps back, you could say.

[lucky_but_lacking]

...the majority of the things that were said to me that never should have been said were spoken within the first year to year and a half of our relationship. The continued surprises with pictures, etc. only stopped recently. I hope they have all found their way to the household surface as I simply am not equipped to handle looking at any more "T & A" in my current state...pain really interferes with one's ability to handle things. In addition, I used to be a strong, healthy woman, and I now do not like what I see in the mirror as a result of my illness.

[lucky_but_lacking]

jan_may...

"you can't make the images & words go away because you know the truth is he's distorting reality & you are rightly fighting against that."

He did so inadvertently and without malice, and has since bent over backwards to attempt to restore my faith in him. Our relationship is 90% wonderful, and 10% this terrible issue. What IS reality...what he said THEN, or what he says NOW? I find it so confusing.

[lucky_but_lacking]

-When we finally began to openly discuss the erectile dysfunction, he informed me it had occurred previously, but that the woman he was dating was patient and, when it was an issue, instead taught him very well how to please her without having actual intercourse. The result of this was that the issue handled itself, and his ability to get erections returned. This set me up to feel like a failure, as the ED remains an issue in spite of my patience and attempts to maintain loving and "fun" intimacy despite the lack of actual "sex".

-Informing me I remind him of the same woman as he had the ability to make us both achieve orgasm easily.

-Telling me he had only shopped for lingerie for a woman once and, although he did not exactly enjoy the experience, "it was worth it". He has never purchased lingerie for me.

-Taking me on a trip he lead my to believe was unique to us...a bike trip in the mountains, a trip he had taken with his buddies before but never a female. Informing me in the middle of the mountains, during a very personal, pivotal moment for me (I had never seen mountains), that he actually visited the same place on the same bike ride with his ex girlfriend...a bombshell that outed an apparent untruth and diminished the moment and, in some ways the remainder of the trip, as I discovered the destination was the same as that with the ex, but he had been disappointed on that trip as he never had the opportunity to spend enough time there.

-Weeks after our return home, I decided to go through our pictures - inserting what I thought was the correct memory card, only to discover dozens of pictures of the ex in the same locations we had just visited. Wrong card, wrong girl, wrong trip. It was numbing, especially considering he had taken maybe 5 pictures of me and, based on what I saw, dozens of her. I wished I had never inserted that card - it looked like a copy-and-paste trip, with the obvious exception being he seemed to enjoy photographing her far more than me. It was probably a good thing I was somewhat prepared for this discovery by the truth he told in the mountains.

-Taking the Christmas tree out of the closet in December only to have a box of photos fall on my head - of several women, and some in various states of undress, even nude and obviously "in action". It was not a "ho ho ho" moment for me lol

-We continued to discuss the erectile dysfunction, and decided to take steps to make things better. He informed me a few weeks later that he had asked a friend if he could "try" one of his Viagara pills - the friend provided him with a sample box. What he didn't know was that I had seen the same sample box he produced in his drawer (I do the laundry) looooong before this. He did, indeed, ask his friend for Viagara and his friend did, indeed, help him out...but this request was in relation to his ex girlfriend, and was NOT for me, us. He lied. The box had two pills missing...one for her, one for me. He admitted the lie, told me it had not worked with her, but thought he would try it with me again - without informing me. I was so hurt. His putting aside his "male bravado" to speak to his friend for us made me feel oddly special - but the truth was he spoke to his friend for another woman, and I received what I have termed "sloppy second Viagara".

 

This list is not inclusive - I could keep going. And I feel bad now as I wish I also had the strength to list all the GOOD things he has done - which far outnumber the bad BY FAR - but I am tired

Edited November 26, 2013 by lucky_but_lacking

[lucky_but_lacking]

Quite accidental - as usual. Went to burn a CD for the car - took out what I thought was a blank from a stack of about 10 in cases that all appeared to be brand new. Noticed only afterwards that there were 2 letters written in the notes of the sleeve. Noticed too late.

Had music set up, just needed to hit "burn". Popped in what I thought was new, blank CD. Pop up asking if I want to view files or run appears...I'm thinking WTF - how can there be something on a new CD?? I hit view files.

4 pictures, 2 women, all naked. One I had previously seen because, when he asked if I could clean out our now shared computer that used to be his, it was on the hard drive. The other 3 I have not. They were of a different woman - I have seen her clothed before. No clothes in these - an obvious sexual photoshoot.

My self esteem is already at an all-time low - the health, the pain, the weight loss, coupled with the previous issues I have told you about - he has not protected me from things I should not see and has said things I should not hear. I am fragile. This brought me to my knees. He told me he handled everything, that everything was gone. He was wrong.

I am numb.

Edited November 27, 2013 by lucky_but_lacking

[lucky_but_lacking]

jan_may...thank you for what you said. I am thinking really long and hard, especially after today.

I have more to add in regards to my reaction upon seeing these photos but right now the pain prohibits me from sitting to type. I will add more later.

[todreaminblue]

what a woman you are..:0)...huge smile atcha......i can see why your partner is lucky to have such a brave lady and such a forgiving graceful woman in his life.......why would he ever want it differently......

 

 

i don't know what to say about his past accept to say he needs to rid himself of any reminders including photos of an intimate nature where you might have to see them....they are nto needed in your life then now or future.......its not fair and you are only human....you hold yourself well...the only way to deal with erectile dysfunction is to pin point when it started and work from there.....with a professional doctor to guide you.......you need tlc ....i really hope yoru partner provides that tlc you deserve it so much........hugs.......with much respect given....deb

[lucky_but_lacking]

The pain of living with my illness until my surgery date...

The fear of the aftermath of the surgery itself...

The erectile dysfunction issues...

The constant barrage of images that were not intended for my eyes and are designed, with the combination of all of the above, to reduce my self-esteem to nil.

It IS a house of horrors...I never know what I am going to run into next, both literally and figuratively.

I am - after the discovery of the last disc containing pictures of an EXTREME sexual nature - also having a difficult time coming to terms with the man I thought I knew versus the man he obviously was. I have high moral values where intimacy is concerned. He did not demonstrate even a fraction of these moral values when these photographs were taken. I realize I did not exist in his life at this point in time, but still...these were images of a man I would not have liked.

How do I get past this? Can I?

[lucky_but_lacking]

Synopisis:

Meet married albeit separated woman while travelling. Spend weekend together. Say no intimacy occurred.

Begin a long-distance relationship with woman via phone & email.

6 months later, she mails him a camera containing highly provocative (I would actually call them disgusting) photos of herself. He places them on CD. I, unfortunately, get to see them.

Several months later, a trip together is arranged in Mexico. She suggests he bring the camera & he does. The result is a roll of pictures of an intimate nature...that, upon return to home, he places on CD. I get to see those as well

The relationship ends as she goes back to her husband.

He should have made sure the CD's were destroyed - he did not. He claims he forgot they existed. I have heard this one before.

He has begged me to forgive him and give him a chance to prove to me how much he loves me - I have granted it. Am I a fool?

 

PS - the stupid question that keeps running through my head...why didn't he ever try to take MY picture?? Am I not pretty enough? Sexy enough? Are my breasts too small? Why do I not incite this in me seeing as I have evidence that he has done this on an ongoing basis?

 

No one will want to photograph me intimately in January after I have an fecal pouch permanently attached to me

[Chi townD]

Okay, your posts are confusing me. At first, you're husband was a complete douche rocket. But, then he seen the errors of his ways and now is the best husband a person could ask for?

 

However, now he's suffering from ED and that just compounds those feelings from the past when you thought you weren't good enough? That he doesn't find you sexually attractive? And with this upcoming surgery of yours is going to make it worse?

 

Is that the jest of it?

[lucky_but_lacking]

...I have been having a very difficult time. The status of my health has been stressful enough without the added bonus of continuously finding photographic evidence of my husband's previous ability to get and sustain an erection with partners in his past. In addition, I have questioned his integrity AND his efforts in protecting me from being exposed to things that could - and have - been harmful to my already fragile self-esteem.

It has taken a huge blow - as has our relationship.

[angelcake]

I've never personally known a man to have that many pictures, CD's, photos on computer etc...it sounds like he would go crazy if he did get an erection and would take tons of photos to prove he.."it"..still worked. He's insensitive and sounds like a jerk. Sorry but he does. If he had respect for you he would have tried his hardest to make sure everything was destroyed before you had to view it.

 

People show you who they are.... which person has he shown himself to be to you? is he the one who inadvertently has these old photos and says obnoxious crap to you, or is he actually a gentlemen you want to spend the rest of your life with? Only YOU know that answer. If he's truly remorseful maybe you can make it work but this guy needs some serious therapy, and because of all of it, so do you.

 

I wish you the best with your surgery and hope all goes well. Take things one day at a time. your answers will come to you at some point.