Fixed* Ex Girlfriend being cold

[Phantomu]

Hello everyone, i am new to this site but I have some questions and i'm looking for help as I see many of you have much experience and advice to give so i will try my best to summarize things.

 

My girlfriend of a year and a couple months has broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. We lived together (too soon I think) and she has her own children who care about me very much. I tried my best to be there for them as much as I could and they looked up to me as a father. She is quite a bit older than me. We ended up moving out of the house we lived in because the house had some hidden problems that were not apparent when we moved in. we lived there for about 2 months. Well, we decided it would be best if we lived apart but stayed together when we moved out. I didnt necessarily have the finances to get my own place right away and even before I moved in with her I had a roomate. So I moved back in with my parents to save money and get back on my feet.

 

All was fine, I was okay with this. Well as we were moving out she told me she loved me and still wanted to be my girlfriend and I told her I would give her some space to get her house together and things. The night before she broke up with me her card wouldnt work at a restaurant and she was trying to get food for her and the kids so she asked me if I could give her $40. I did and she told me she would see me the next day to give me back the money and kiss me. Well I said you dont have to pay me back but ill take the kiss. She never came over the next day and so before I went to work I ask if I could swing by for like a minute to just kiss her (not even come inside the house) and she got really upset as she wanted to have her house and herself together. I asked if we were doing okay and she said that I was making her define our relationship. I apologized and told her i loved her and she did the same.

 

an hour later she text me and said she couldnt emotionally handle our relationship and she needed time to think about things. I was so upset, right before my shift and i basically pleaded with her that I was sorry and didnt mean to push her into thinking that. She said she just couldnt do it right now. So i gave her some space for some days and she said we can talk. She texted and told me that I could come to her sons birthday party but when it came to talking about us she said "Well i love you but I really wanna be alone, do you hate me?" I told her how much I loved her and that i wish we could just work things out instead of doing this. She said she was sorry. I gave it more time. The day before the party I ran into her in public and she saw me, we said hello and stared at eachother.She looked broken. She said she would talk to me later.

 

Later rolls around she asked if I wanted to come to the party early and that I looked very handsome today. I agreed and came to the party and put the gifts down. No one was there yet and she hugged and kissed me VERY passionately. I thought things would be good. I saw her son and daughter and they missed me SO MUCH. Well the party was fun and wasnt awkward but at the end i asked if I should leave and she said yeah just so things aren't awkward for you.She hugged and kissed me. I told her son happy birthday and he asked me when i would come see him again. I told him "hopefully soon buddy." I left. and then she text me an hour later saying "thank you for coming to the party, it was really nice to see you. Thank you for the hugs I missed your snuggles"

 

well I was incredibly confused because of her kissing me and I asked if I could speak to her. She called me and I asked if that kiss meant anything. She said "yes it did, I still care about you but I don't want to be in a relationship right now and you shouldnt feel obligated to me either." she told me she has NO plans on dating anyone else and she just wants to get her life together for her and her kids. I tried asking if there was anyway we could do this because I thought us moving apart was so we could fix our relationship with alot less pressure from living together. She wouldn't budge. She told me that she hasnt moved on from me and still loves me very much. but at the same time she isn't trying to fix this.

 

I have text her a few times and now she acts like she doesn't care and has begun ignoring my texts. I don't know if i've made it to where it would be impossible to ever get her back or not. She said it was wrong of her to kiss me but she couldnt help it. I have never once got mad at her during this break up and im hurting really badly because I really love this woman and I wanna be there for her and her kids. I coached her sons football team and everything.

 

She's going to go do fun things this weekend with our mutual friend who is a girl but I just can't have fun right now. It's all I think about guys...Not only did I lose my apartment, I lost her too and now Im living in my parents basement.I never wanted to move back with my parents as I have been self sufficient all this time. I am depressed and I feel like it's impossible to be happy right now. I don't understand why she could be so cold on me like that. Please help me with my situation everyone.. I would appreciate it.

[xUnknown]

I wouldn't wait around for her man. Start going NC. If you coach her sons team, do that, but keep her out of the picture. If you have to see her at practice, just say "hi", then keep NC. She has to realize what she is missing. NC will help you move forward and move on from her. It sounds like she cares, but is just confused. I feel eventually she will come around and get a hold of you, but you can't hope on that and wait for it to happen. If she is ignoring your calls/texts, then she is trying to distance herself and pushing you away. Stop all contact...she'll get worried and leave you a breadcrumb and text you asking how you're doing....don't respond. If she loves you and wants to be with you, she'll make the effort, thats on her. She has to miss you to realize what she had. Keep the mindset that it is over for good and its not just a break. Work towards getting over her.

 

Stay strong my friend. We're all hurting here. NC is tough...it is literally the hardest thing I think I have ever done before. So I'm right there with you. If you wanna chat PM me. I'm on here pretty frequently...it helps me escape.

[Phantomu]

Thank you, I don't know how to PM yet(could you tell me?). She contacted me the other day when I was 2 days into no contact and it was about a water bill for our last residence. I broke no contact and said, Why do you ignore me and then ask about money. This irritated her alot. I ended up paying the bill and saying sorry for making you mad, Have a good day. She replied with,"Ok. I got made because you called me up accusingly. I'm sorry I haven't had anything else to say to you, you know the reasons already" To that, I didn't respond and now i'm one day into no contact again. I know there is a final water bill in about 30 days. I'm not sure if I should let her know when I pay it or not. Maybe briefly? I have a feeling I have just pushed her further away by the other days incident.

[Phantomu]

also, her sons football is over so I don't see her anywhere anymore. She works at the place my friends hang out at on Fridays. It's actually where we first met. But im afraid she might work one of those fridays.. It's literally like the only place in town before the bars open to go to...

[xUnknown]

Thank you, I don't know how to PM yet(could you tell me?). She contacted me the other day when I was 2 days into no contact and it was about a water bill for our last residence. I broke no contact and said, Why do you ignore me and then ask about money. This irritated her alot. I ended up paying the bill and saying sorry for making you mad, Have a good day. She replied with,"Ok. I got made because you called me up accusingly. I'm sorry I haven't had anything else to say to you, you know the reasons already" To that, I didn't respond and now i'm one day into no contact again. I know there is a final water bill in about 30 days. I'm not sure if I should let her know when I pay it or not. Maybe briefly? I have a feeling I have just pushed her further away by the other days incident.

 

I think you have to get your posts past 75. Stick around and browse the forums...They'll help you. Post, comment, etc...it helps me. You'll get your posts up pretty quick, believe me. lol

[xUnknown]

also, her sons football is over so I don't see her anywhere anymore. She works at the place my friends hang out at on Fridays. It's actually where we first met. But im afraid she might work one of those fridays.. It's literally like the only place in town before the bars open to go to...

 

Keep NC. I would say avoid that place for a few weeks - 2 or 3 I'd say. You're friends should understand and you guys can make other plans, or drink at someones house before going out. After that time, chances are you'll be feeling better and a lot of the emotions will be dying down. Go there, keep NC, ignore her. Go out and have fun...let HER see you having fun and dancing/talking with other girls. Don't be vindictive about it, just show her that you can enjoy yourself with your friends without her.

 

As for the water bill, I'm sure you can estimate how much it will be. Just mail her a check and the memo put $ For Water Bill. Have her pay it, you gave her the money, she has no reason to contact you.

[Phantomu]

Keep NC. I would say avoid that place for a few weeks - 2 or 3 I'd say. You're friends should understand and you guys can make other plans, or drink at someones house before going out. After that time, chances are you'll be feeling better and a lot of the emotions will be dying down. Go there, keep NC, ignore her. Go out and have fun...let HER see you having fun and dancing/talking with other girls. Don't be vindictive about it, just show her that you can enjoy yourself with your friends without her.

 

As for the water bill, I'm sure you can estimate how much it will be. Just mail her a check and the memo put $ For Water Bill. Have her pay it, you gave her the money, she has no reason to contact you.

Okay sounds good. Only problem is, I don't really see her that much now as it is.. Like I said, I ran into her at the store the day before the party. Other than that I don't really know how she will see me having fun unless our mutual friends tell her which I don't see happening really.. So basically I just have to disappear and avoid her as much as I can?

[Phantomu]

also thank you for taking the time to talk to me. It means alot. love the pic by the way haha.

[Phantomu]

Ok I think i made a mistake. I told her I have her spare keys and stuff that I don't need..She also has something of my sisters that my sister wants back. I told her this didnt make it sound like I wanted to see HER or anything. But I messed up and broke no contact that way I am hopeless...She ignored my text..Why doesn't she want her keys back? and now should I just stop for good? I only text that 1 thing and left it alone. that was midday yesterday. I feel stupid for doing it now but I don't understand....Please help.

[Iguanna]

I read your story. My thoughts (even though I can't know exactly what happened) are the following: She seems to love you but she doesn't see a future for you, not because you are a bad person but 1) you are not capable to help her and the kids financially, which is really important for her, she has 2 kids and she feels she can't put her own happiness higher than theirs, 2) she saw something she didn't like while you were living together the 2 months, was it maybe some bad habit you have? maybe you pushed her a lot? maybe her kids reacted badly with you living with them? we don't know cause she didn't tell you cause she doesn't want to hurt you. She was honest with you, this will not work cause she will focus on her kids and I respect her greatly for that. About her ignoring you etc, she is trying to make you get over her and with seeing her and contacting her this won't happen. I strongly suggest that you start getting familiar with the idea that you will never be together again and start processing with this. Can you maybe ask your roommate if you can move back in with him again? This will be a boost of your ego. Concentrate on work and on meeting new people, having a hobby etc. Between us, and I hate to sound harsh but I got to tell you, maybe you dodged a bullet; it's not the best future to get married to an older woman with 2 kids...

 

Start caring for yourself and things will get better soon. Good luck, keep us informed.

[Phantomu]

hi Iguanna, well first off she told me before we even move in together that she doesn't want me to feel responsible for taking care of them. She said this many times that I shouldn't feel obligated, and even then I did everything I could for them because I wanted to. I don't know about the reacting badly because the kids loved me and depended on me.they wanted to be around me as much as they could. They even called me their step dad without me ever asking them too. They chose this on their own. I told them they could call me whatever they wanted to. We had so many adventures together, all of us and I really wish we never moved in together because I feel that ruined things. Not to mention the house we got was totally messed up from the

beginning which caused alot of unwanted stress for both of us. I miss her so much and I truly want them in my life. As for my roomate, I moved out and even though his girlfriend doesn't live there they are quite comfortable. It would be rude of me to try to ask such a thing

I also dont know why she ignored me about her stuff. They are things I shouldn't even have...i don't know why she is avoiding it whenever i was easily invited to her home and she kissed me like she wanted to work it out. I am a wreck guys.. Is there really no hope left for her and i?

[Iguanna]

Well she was pretty clear about her wanting to be alone and focus on the raising of the kids. Of course life is unpredictable and maybe some day she will ask you back. Can you put your life on hold though to wait for her? You have to focus on your job, make some money, find a place to stay and restart your life. It seems weird to have let you come so close to her kids (you are supposed to let some boyfriend close to your kids only if you are serious for this guy) and suddenly separate you from them. This shows me that there was something that was a deal breaker for her, I can't know what this can be. Don't you believe that you having financial struggles could be an important reason?

 

She is ignoring you (assuming we believe that she doesn't want to be involved with anyone at the moment and she has not found a new bf) to help you forget about her. I think this should help you. I know this period will be bad, but you will be strong and you will feel better soon.

[Phantomu]

Well see, I don't think it's about financial struggles though..We had a financial agreement before we even moved in together. I believe her mother even helped us decide. If that's the reason then that is very shallow.. She even asked for money that I didn't make her give me back before the break up. She wasn't clear on things and the fact that we were suppose to stay together after moving apart gets me really bad. She told me i'm willing to take a year of living apart and staying together so I can spend the rest of my life with you. Then after like 2 days broke it off with me... I don't see how I didn't support those children. I tried changing things about myself and she didn't meet me halfway. She never wanted to talk or work things out.... She just would avoid it..We were perfect for each other at one time and I feel like she resisted..

[Iguanna]

You have to understand that there is nothing more you can do. You made clear that you love her and her kids and you are willing to try to work things out, she refused. She doesn't want to try and fix things. She doesn't want to give any explanations. You can't do anything else, every thing more you do will just make you seem more and more a fool. She has been clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. With you repeating in your mind over and over again what happened and wonder why she did this or that there will be no result. Either you find her and demand explanations (which you will accept) or you will let it go. Sometime people's actions don't follow their words. She said some things but then she did something else. Don't beat yourself up for everything, you did your best, don't doubt yourself now. It was not meant to be.

[Phantomu]

You have to understand that there is nothing more you can do. You made clear that you love her and her kids and you are willing to try to work things out, she refused. She doesn't want to try and fix things. She doesn't want to give any explanations. You can't do anything else, every thing more you do will just make you seem more and more a fool. She has been clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. With you repeating in your mind over and over again what happened and wonder why she did this or that there will be no result. Either you find her and demand explanations (which you will accept) or you will let it go. Sometime people's actions don't follow their words. She said some things but then she did something else. Don't beat yourself up for everything, you did your best, don't doubt yourself now. It was not meant to be.

 

you're right Iguanna... I guess it's just really hard to accept.. There is so much invested into the time we had and it's hard to just let go... It's not so easy for me and i've been doing everything to focus but the memories are there and they are so painful. The thought of wishing I could have done it differently is really hurting me.. I wish I would have made a difference sooner. She really made it hard for me at the party by giving me hope and also telling her friends right in front of me about all these fun times we had and funny story. She even referred to the kids as "ours" when talking to her friend... It made me feel like there was hope and then she shot me down again, making my healing twice as hard... I still don't know why I have her keys... It makes me feel like shes doing it on purpose. I really respect you for being so honest with me and I want you to know that as painful as the reality is you have also been very helpful to me in making me realize what is going on. I guess it's just that powerless feeling knowing you can't do ANYTHING to make a difference at all is what is killing me inside.. I appreciate you.

[Iguanna]

I can totally understand you cause I've been there, I was feeling that it was my fault he left me, that if I had done this or that differently he may would have stayed, I was doubting myself for over a month, but at the end the only thing I had was me being miserable and him not caring about my feelings at all. It is hard to think that you have invested so many things on a relationship (with you it was even more difficult cause you accepted also the kids, that's not easy for some guy to do) and then realizing that it's over, all of your efforts had no result and you have to start all over again to find another person and make all these efforts again. I was feeling self pity, I was questioning myself "what if I had pushed him more? what if I had pushed him less? what if I had done this?", but you get to a point where you see that every effort you make is not appreciated cause at the end of the day the other person doesn't care. What I did was stop feeling self pity, I went to vacation with my mom to a place I had company, my mom and friends helped me enormously, I had fun (even though I was crying at night) and then I realized that he doesn't deserve me being that self destructive cause he DIDN'T CARE. I decided to start doing things for myself, meet new people, I started going to the swimming pool which is something I loved and after a year, having found my soul mate, I even thanked him for breaking up with me (in my mind of course, I never spoke to him again). What I want to say is, keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. You have to accept that she made her choices and there was NOTHING more or less you could do. Her breaking up with you doesn't equal to you being worthless or a bad partner, it just means she wanted other things than these you had to offer. One day you'll find a girl who will appreciate these things you give her, and with her you will have your own kids, no need to raise someone else's kids. I understand you have to go through this self pity and doubting phase, but get over with it fast and start fixing your life and your soul. You seem like a nice guy and nice guys are never "lost", there is someone out there for you, I assure you. I'm here if you want to talk more and share your thoughts and feelings.

[Iguanna]

Oh one thing I forgot to tell you: you may believe now that the memories and everything you went through in this relationship was for no reason, but I assure you that these are the experiences that make us mature and wise in life. Who you will be will be depended on this relationship as well, so stop thinking it was pointless. This experience helped you be who you are today, helped you be the man another woman will love one day. I'm never sorry for my mistakes in past relationships cause if I were I would be doubting myself and this doesn't make sense. These mistakes made me wiser and made me who I am today. I love my mistakes cause each one of them taught me something about myself and about other people as well.

[nevergoodenough]

Hello everyone, i am new to this site but I have some questions and i'm looking for help as I see many of you have much experience and advice to give so i will try my best to summarize things.

 

My girlfriend of a year and a couple months has broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. We lived together (too soon I think) and she has her own children who care about me very much. I tried my best to be there for them as much as I could and they looked up to me as a father. She is quite a bit older than me. We ended up moving out of the house we lived in because the house had some hidden problems that were not apparent when we moved in. we lived there for about 2 months. Well, we decided it would be best if we lived apart but stayed together when we moved out. I didnt necessarily have the finances to get my own place right away and even before I moved in with her I had a roomate. So I moved back in with my parents to save money and get back on my feet.

 

All was fine, I was okay with this. Well as we were moving out she told me she loved me and still wanted to be my girlfriend and I told her I would give her some space to get her house together and things. The night before she broke up with me her card wouldnt work at a restaurant and she was trying to get food for her and the kids so she asked me if I could give her $40. I did and she told me she would see me the next day to give me back the money and kiss me. Well I said you dont have to pay me back but ill take the kiss. She never came over the next day and so before I went to work I ask if I could swing by for like a minute to just kiss her (not even come inside the house) and she got really upset as she wanted to have her house and herself together. I asked if we were doing okay and she said that I was making her define our relationship. I apologized and told her i loved her and she did the same.

 

an hour later she text me and said she couldnt emotionally handle our relationship and she needed time to think about things. I was so upset, right before my shift and i basically pleaded with her that I was sorry and didnt mean to push her into thinking that. She said she just couldnt do it right now. So i gave her some space for some days and she said we can talk. She texted and told me that I could come to her sons birthday party but when it came to talking about us she said "Well i love you but I really wanna be alone, do you hate me?" I told her how much I loved her and that i wish we could just work things out instead of doing this. She said she was sorry. I gave it more time. The day before the party I ran into her in public and she saw me, we said hello and stared at eachother.She looked broken. She said she would talk to me later.

 

Later rolls around she asked if I wanted to come to the party early and that I looked very handsome today. I agreed and came to the party and put the gifts down. No one was there yet and she hugged and kissed me VERY passionately. I thought things would be good. I saw her son and daughter and they missed me SO MUCH. Well the party was fun and wasnt awkward but at the end i asked if I should leave and she said yeah just so things aren't awkward for you.She hugged and kissed me. I told her son happy birthday and he asked me when i would come see him again. I told him "hopefully soon buddy." I left. and then she text me an hour later saying "thank you for coming to the party, it was really nice to see you. Thank you for the hugs I missed your snuggles"

 

well I was incredibly confused because of her kissing me and I asked if I could speak to her. She called me and I asked if that kiss meant anything. She said "yes it did, I still care about you but I don't want to be in a relationship right now and you shouldnt feel obligated to me either." she told me she has NO plans on dating anyone else and she just wants to get her life together for her and her kids. I tried asking if there was anyway we could do this because I thought us moving apart was so we could fix our relationship with alot less pressure from living together. She wouldn't budge. She told me that she hasnt moved on from me and still loves me very much. but at the same time she isn't trying to fix this.

 

I have text her a few times and now she acts like she doesn't care and has begun ignoring my texts. I don't know if i've made it to where it would be impossible to ever get her back or not. She said it was wrong of her to kiss me but she couldnt help it. I have never once got mad at her during this break up and im hurting really badly because I really love this woman and I wanna be there for her and her kids. I coached her sons football team and everything.

 

She's going to go do fun things this weekend with our mutual friend who is a girl but I just can't have fun right now. It's all I think about guys...Not only did I lose my apartment, I lost her too and now Im living in my parents basement.I never wanted to move back with my parents as I have been self sufficient all this time. I am depressed and I feel like it's impossible to be happy right now. I don't understand why she could be so cold on me like that. Please help me with my situation everyone.. I would appreciate it.

 

She gave you so many hints, you just didn't want to take them. All you can really do is stop contacting her and hope she misses you. She is ignoring you, so texting her more would not make things worse. Let her be and hopefully she comes around.

[Phantomu]

thank you all so much for being here for me. I really appreciate it from you all. I understand when you say it wasn't all for nothing. I feel like I did alot of good things for those kids and even for her.

I need to update you guys

today... I ran into her in the store. It was strange. At first we acknowledged eachother. It was very awkward at first. I asked her about her keys and she said its no big deal. I said well a replacement is expensive. She asked me if I had them on me and unfortunately I didn't. She said well you have them so I'm not worried about it. I said okay and went to hug her.. (I think that was a mistake, but I was trying to be nice) she hugged me back and we went our seperate ways. Is there a reason she doesn't want the keys just yet or am I reading too much into this?

does she think that it could be the last interaction between us? I feel like a fool kinda.. Regretting speaking to her at all. But it didn't makes feel worse or anything

[Iguanna]

Ahhhhh you make me angry. You still try to find hope that a miracle will happen, she will have an "accident", her mind will flip and she will take you back again. I'm repeating for the 10th time, this will NOT happen. She doesn't want it and she has expressed it clearly so you don't have any doubt. The only thing you are doing is make yourself suffer, while what you have to do is try to find another place to live, meet new people, make hobbies, and in general MOVE ON. You spend all this time thinking again and again about an incident that she may have already forgotten. Wake up, life goes by, these days, weeks, months you lose from your life will never come back. Do something for yourself now.

[Phantomu]

:(I'm sorry, it's just so hard.. When I see her I can't help it. My mind starts racing and that longing feeling returns. I know I won't get back this time I've wasted over analyzing things. I just want things back the way they were. I know its not happening I know! But that's hoe vulnerable I feel right now

[Iguanna]

I know it's hard, but the only way to stop it from being hard is to start doing things that will take your mind away from this. There is NOTHING more you can do, she knows you are available and she can have you back whenever she wants and she would ask you back IF she wanted. But she does NOT want to. You have to let things calm down, let them be a little bit and not try to push them to the direction you want. If something is meant to be, it will happen without us pushing it. Start doing something for yourself NOW.

[Phantomu]

I've been trying to be around my friends as much as possible. Hanging out with family, playing my instruments. I updated my resume. I go to work. But these things don't block it out completely. I still find myself thinking about her. I'm handling it better but I would not say I'm okay yet.. But I am trying please believe me. There are memories everywhere because we did so many things.. I find it hard to enjoy certain things I love to do.

[Iguanna]

I assure you, things will get better. You will always remember the things you did etc, but after a while these memories will bring you a smile and not tears. It's really early to ask from you to be totally ok. Continue like you do now, put your mind elsewhere, try to convince yourself that it was not your fault and you could not do anything to avoid the break up and in time you will feel better and better. Friends and family can help you with this cause you will keep your mind busy and you will see that you have people caring for you. In my case my ex bf treated me also bad so that helped me get over him more easily - I realized I deserved better than this and moved on. You are doing good, you are doing better already, I can feel it. Continue like this.

[Phantomu]

you're right. There is really nothing I can do. I feel like I've tried alot of things. Speaking to her today in public was a mistake and I feel like I have to start over again, i probably came off as weak. One minute I'm confident again and the next i feel like it's in pieces. I've let this experience ruin how I feel about myself. I need to regain composure. My friends and you all at loveshack have really made a difference for me here though. Without these people i would probably be even worse than i am now.