Should I keep the baby?

[leavethepieces]

Wow, what a difficult situation to be in. To me it sounds like you are having deep regret and feeling guilty for having the affair. Do you think that abortion with help alleviate that or make it worse?

 

I hope you find peace in all of this!

[bentleychic]

I have several children (more than you) and I have had three men VERY serious about being with me since my divorce. Don't let the thought of a future man not wanting you to have ANY input on whether or not you keep this baby. A man should not be the deciding factor on keeping or ending a life.

[Cinnimon]

I know you don't know what to do and that ultimately you will be the one that has to make the decision. I just wanted to address a few things. I had 4 children by my husband who decided to walk out of my life when my youngest was only 1 month old.Never saw him again. I had no problem with men wanting to be in my life or had any issues with me having 4 kids. I actually took my kids on a few lunch dates with me to see if I could scare them off (cause as we know talk is cheap- 4 kids, sure no problem) but they didn't go anywhere. As far as the child feeling unwanted, that won't be an issue if handled right. My kids grew up happy and healthy knowing they were both wanted and loved by me and that was plenty for them. As far as their father, now that they are grown, they see him for exactly the a$$ he was, that it never was about them, it was about him, and I never said one disparaging word to them about him.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

With all due respect, comments like this:

 

A man should not be the deciding factor on keeping or ending a life.

 

does not help the OP. Without even getting into the argument about when a life begins or ends (because lets face it NO ONE has the answer to that), it only creates undue stress and lays guilt on the OP who is already facing a difficult decision and pushes your own beliefs and agenda.

 

I dont know ANYONE who enters into this decision lightly, and so these comments are unhelpful and heavily biased.

 

To add to my on story also, my termination did not affect my fertility. 4 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at a time and in a situation where we were ready and able to fit her into our family.

[bentleychic]

I have no "agenda" at all in this situation nor am I pushing my beliefs. My point was to caution her against making a decision based on a possible future man's opinion. I'm sorry that you do not care for or agree in how I phrased it.

[HollyGolightlly]

I really don't know what magic words I need to hear. I'm afraid time is running out ( well, i'm only 4 weeks) But, I can't believe it's taken me this long and I still haven't gotten to any decision.

 

I'm currently at 50% keeping it and aborting the baby.

 

When I read the encouraging posts about life as a single mother and being able to find love again I feel alright. By the way..I'm 24. I will be 25 in Jan.

 

But, I just looked through a gallery of photos around the world and thought "I'll never be able to see that sight in person if I have this baby"...

 

Luckily my other two daughters have a GREAT dad and step mom and they take my daughters enough for me to do what I want and vice versa. This time..I'm alone.

 

Then my mind battles..Well, the child support he's paying may let me have a nanny at least and maybe I can have a nanny?

 

I'm also lucky enough that I have some experience in the field I work in and I'm getting better and better. I don't make a LOT right now ( 40k... ) but, it's more than some. I know with time, I'll make more...

 

Thank you all for the answers, ALL of them help..even the negative ones. Pro abortion ones, too.

[bentleychic]

(((Holly))) I, for one, plan to travel once my kids are older. My youngest is still not old enough to be in school so I've got a while, but it'll be worth it.

 

I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right decision for your family and ultimately, you ARE the only one that can decide.

 

I will say that I *think* if you put the baby up for adoption, the birth father probably has to sign to adoption agreement as well unless you pretend you don't know who it is.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

(((Holly)))

 

I will say that I *think* if you put the baby up for adoption, the birth father probably has to sign to adoption agreement as well unless you pretend you don't know who it is.

 

Sounds like MM wouldnt have a problem with that

[thinkingofhim]

Then my mind battles..Well, the child support he's paying may let me have a nanny at least and maybe I can have a nanny?

 

DON'T go into this expecting ANYTHING from him! You don't know how long it would take to begin receiving it, you don't know how much it will be and you don't know if he will even pay or if it will be a long drawn out issue.

 

The only thing you know is you can't count on him...

[Helen A]

I really don't know what magic words I need to hear. I'm afraid time is running out ( well, i'm only 4 weeks) But, I can't believe it's taken me this long and I still haven't gotten to any decision.

 

I'm currently at 50% keeping it and aborting the baby.

 

When I read the encouraging posts about life as a single mother and being able to find love again I feel alright. By the way..I'm 24. I will be 25 in Jan.

 

But, I just looked through a gallery of photos around the world and thought "I'll never be able to see that sight in person if I have this baby"...

 

Luckily my other two daughters have a GREAT dad and step mom and they take my daughters enough for me to do what I want and vice versa. This time..I'm alone.

 

Then my mind battles..Well, the child support he's paying may let me have a nanny at least and maybe I can have a nanny?

 

I'm also lucky enough that I have some experience in the field I work in and I'm getting better and better. I don't make a LOT right now ( 40k... ) but, it's more than some. I know with time, I'll make more...

 

Thank you all for the answers, ALL of them help..even the negative ones. Pro abortion ones, too.

 

 

40k is loads IMO. You are young plenty of time ahead of you.

A baby is a blessing you are so so lucky.....

You don't need any money from him. He's a scumbag. You can do this without any of his money / help you don't need him.

 

You can always pick up with a career once your children have grown... Another good saying is you never regret the children you do have only the ones you don't.

 

Good luck to you though whatever you decide.

[bentleychic]

Sounds like MM wouldnt have a problem with that

Probably not, but just letting her know that he may still have to be given the option. It may not be as "cut and dried" as a "regular" adoption and he could make it harder on her than it has to be if he chose to be a dick.

[threelaurels]

Then my mind battles..Well, the child support he's paying may let me have a nanny at least and maybe I can have a nanny?

 

I'm also lucky enough that I have some experience in the field I work in and I'm getting better and better. I don't make a LOT right now ( 40k... ) but, it's more than some. I know with time, I'll make more...

 

With all due respect, you need to base the decision on your finances alone, not on what you could do with possible financial support from him. As others have pointed out, having a court order for child support does not mean you will ever see a penny of it. You also have to consider the possibility that his W will leave (especially when she finds out that roughly 25-30% of his income is going to you). If she leaves, retains custody of their kids, and files for support as well, you may not see much money at all.

 

I think 40k is a very good starting salary for someone your age, and I think it would be possible to raise a child on that amount if you budget well. Do you have family that would help you? Relatives may be able to babysit for free.

[awkward]

Make your decision without regards to him. He is gone. I'm sorry that you have to make such a difficult choice. Perhaps speaking with a counselor before making a final decision might be beneficial. Hugs for you tonight.

[BrokenPrincess]

After reading more about your situation Holly, I'm actually now leaning towards not keeping it. You're young, you have 2 kids already, never been married. Your job although 40k might be able to get you by, it doesn't sound like it's all that stable either. Your boss is completely unprofessional if you think he's going to fire you for hearing you're pregnant. Given that he knows the couple you were a surrogate for (which sounds like it was its own dramatic situation), did your boss just give you this job through connections of the church group? You've said you've mostly been able to get by on your looks...now you're pregnant by a MM who's advising you through a 3rd party to get an abortion.

 

How are you going to get on a steady & stable path on your own merit? Like others said, I would not assume you'll see any child support, even if he's ordered to pay it.

 

I know this isn't the popular opinion on the thread, but given what you've to us so far, I would either pursue adoption or terminate the pregnancy.

 

If you decide to keep it, I'd really really hope that you will immediately start assessing what positive, stabilizing changes you could make in your life NOW so that when that baby comes, you're in a more secure position (be it financially, emotionally, physically, whatever) because it's going be tough given the circumstances.

[unicorn farts]

Holly, I'm very sorry you're going through this. I think talking to a therapist might help you more than an anonymous board. Best of luck with your chosen path.

[janedoe67]

Holly, when you get privileges I invite you to PM me. I don't feel comfortable posting it, but I may be able to encourage you.

[HollyGolightlly]

Holly, when you get privileges I invite you to PM me. I don't feel comfortable posting it, but I may be able to encourage you.

I don't know how to PM you..I don't use this forum often. can you tell me how?

[violet1]

I just keep thinking about how this could be your last shot getting pregnant. You're still young and I worry that you'll regret your decision in the future if you abort. Note: This is only MY opinion, I'm not trying to influence you one way or the other. I still stand by that YOU have to do what you feel is right. Don't let anyone influence your decision. I had an abortion in my early 20's. The guy pushed and pushed me until I caved and did it. I was depressed and struggled for years because it wasn't what I wanted to do. I was very angry with myself for allowing another person to influence my decision. It literally took me years to get over it and forgive myself.

 

With child support, they take it pretty quick. My husband pays child support and is a bit behind. The ORS takes our tax return to pay back child support. The government doesn't play around when it comes to child support. They can put the guy in jail, take his 401k, savings, assets to get their money if they have to. I know this for fact because my H's ex wife pushed for her back child support after he and I got married. She took him to court, the judge threatened to put him in jail and all sorts of things.

 

Would it be legal to fire you because your pregnant? In my company it's not. In fact, a few years back, a girl at my work missed a few days because of her pregnancy. They fired her for it. She got a doctor's note and got an attorney. They had to give her job back. If it's medical reasons, there's laws.

 

One more thing, single parents are a common thing now. Hell...back in the 60's my grandma gave birth to my uncle who was a product of an affair. She was in a very similar situation as you. She met my grandpa a year later and he adopted my uncle. He turned out just fine. My brother married a woman with 3 kids under the age of 7. You won't have a problem meeting the right guy because of the amount of kids you have. Now, If you do have the abortion that's understandable as well. Just please make sure it's your decision and your decision alone.

Edited November 22, 2013 by violet1

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how to PM you..I don't use this forum often. can you tell me how?

 

You can either buy in to become a supporting member or wait until you reach 100 posts and been here a month, then you get pm access.

 

My suggestion for you (while it's great you've reached out on here asking for help) is to seek counseling. This is a huge decision for you to make and only you can decide what is best for you and what you can/can't handle. Weigh the pros and cons, but let a therapist help guide you, as well as your gut instinct.

[MuddyFootprints]

For those who have read my other thread- I am pregnant with my MM's baby. He, of course, ran and begged his wife for forgiveness and she's the happy dictator of the house. She ordered NO contact with me and he was texting me through friends to tell me to get an abortion.

 

I stood strong and refused to speak to them, or through Email and he said he convinced her that meeting me was the right thing to do.

 

So we met, and we spent 1.5 hours talking about love and what happened and how his current kids are more important than the one I have in my stomach since it's only 4 weeks old, etc. Also, that she is the ruler of his life now and has to be her bitch pretty much. He said he will be willing to talk to me now, though. He said he still loves me, and all that mess. He said that even if we were together he'd tell me to have the abortion.

 

 

 

I've never been so conflicted in my entire life, I have NO idea what to do. I never,ever thought I'd be pregnant again. I'm totally blindsided. Part of me wonders if this is my karama.

 

I'm no longer concerned with the MM, I see his face and I know how unhappy he was and how she looks and acts and if he was unhappy before I just have a sense of pity for him..much more pity than any romantic feelings now that I've seen that he left me pregnant.

 

 

Anyways, I'm torn. I keep going back and forward between all three options- Adoption, Abortion, and keeping it. Every one of them has their good and bad. I just started my career with my new job a few months ago and people are telling me i'm ruining my life. But, I think about God and how I've been so far from him by doing my dirty deeds that maybe this is just supposed to save me into being a better person.

 

 

What I'm wanting to ask you guys- Would you keep the baby? Knowing that you'll be alone, the possibilities of the wife trying to make life a living hell. I have absolutely no criminal record, I'm educated, and I have a good job so I can't imagine them doing this but I've wondered if they would try to take my baby from me? (This only being because he makes much, much more money than I do, he's an engineer)

 

Sigh, but I think about how I'd be okay with the child support I'd be getting. Part of me wants to ask him if having the baby with financial support but NO contact from him would be an option?

 

Selfish...but I thought about it.

 

 

Anyways, i'm done ranting. I really have no idea what to do and the days are counting down and it's getting more, and more serious.

 

 

Holly, talk to a lawyer.

 

I was in a similar position. Where I reside, in order for the "father" to claim paternal rights in any decision that you make (adoption or custodial rights after birth) he has to support you during pregnancy. If he doesn't, he, by law, has relinquished any rights to that child.

 

I needed to make a sworn affidavit that he made no attempt to support me during pregnancy and that forfeited any parental right he had and any decisions I made were solely mine. Legally, he was not the father.

 

I highly suggest you speak to someone with legal expertise in this area.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I just keep thinking about how this could be your last shot getting pregnant. You're still young and I worry that you'll regret your decision in the future if you abort. Note: This is only MY opinion, I'm not trying to influence you one way or the other. I still stand by that YOU have to do what you feel is right. Don't let anyone influence your decision. I had an abortion in my early 20's. The guy pushed and pushed me until I caved and did it. I was depressed and struggled for years because it wasn't what I wanted to do. I was very angry with myself for allowing another person to influence my decision. It literally took me years to get over it and forgive myself.

 

With child support, they take it pretty quick. My husband pays child support and is a bit behind. The ORS takes our tax return to pay back child support. The government doesn't play around when it comes to child support. They can put the guy in jail, take his 401k, savings, assets to get their money if they have to. I know this for fact because my H's ex wife pushed for her back child support after he and I got married. She took him to court, the judge threatened to put him in jail and all sorts of things.

 

Would it be legal to fire you because your pregnant? In my company it's not. In fact, a few years back, a girl at my work missed a few days because of her pregnancy. They fired her for it. She got a doctor's note and got an attorney. They had to give her job back. If it's medical reasons, there's laws.

 

One more thing, single parents are a common thing now. Hell...back in the 60's my grandma gave birth to my uncle who was a product of an affair. She was in a very similar situation as you. She met my grandpa a year later and he adopted my uncle. He turned out just fine. My brother married a woman with 3 kids under the age of 7. You won't have a problem meeting the right guy because of the amount of kids you have. Now, If you do have the abortion that's understandable as well. Just please make sure it's your decision and your decision alone.

 

 

This is just a big bunch of anectodal scaremongering,

 

She's 24!! She has plenty of time to meet new people and have more children! I didnt have my FIRST until 30.

 

And sure the stigma of being a single parent doesnt exist like it used to, but the stigma of AFFAIR does. And just because sole parenting is more common doesnt mean its any easier. I THANK GOD I have a partner who is a great dad to support me raising my kids. And its awesome that my kids have 2 parents, married or not, that care for their well-being. And the OPs other 2 children have great support in their father and step mother - but how does Holly explain to baby #3 why the other 2 go off to see their Dad every week and the baby does not. Sure, money and child support helps, but it wont buy the kids emotional well-being after being so abjectly rejected by the father.

 

And yeah, sacking you for being pregnant is illegal. But the break you take from your career, especially at a time that you are on a trajectory, can really set you back. Depends on how much time off work you can realistically afford to have seeing as you have to support 3 children. Whats your support network like? Who will be there to help you adjust in those first weeks?Who will care for baby when you are at work? How old will baby be before they are away from mother for long periods because of work (ie long daycare)? Can you afford child care? Not sure what the norm is for you. Im in Aus, so the government funds lots of our maternity leave and child care which means we can at least take 4 months after birth. What kind of savings do you have to support you through maternity leave? Who can you call when you are sick and need someone to care for baby? Or if you just need a break.

 

Knowing what you know now about MM, do you want to be attached to this man forever. Because keeping this baby will likely make him more angry and resentful, and that is what you will be dealing with. Im not saying let him influence your decision. What Im saying is ask yourself if you want that kind of permanent attachment, knowing how little he wants to be involved. And Im not even saying to the best thing for you. Im saying make the best decision for this potential child which you yourself can live with.

 

I strongly suggest getting some counselling to help you work through this decision.

[violet1]

This is just a big bunch of anectodal scaremongering,

 

She's 24!! She has plenty of time to meet new people and have more children!

 

She stated in her other thread that she had complications from being a surrogate mother and the doctor said she was infertile. In her case, she might not have the chance to get pregnant again. That is why I stated what I did. I'm pro choice as long as the woman isn't pushed into something she's unsure about or doesn't want to do. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that having an affair child is the end of the world. I don't believe it's the best or ideal situation, but it doesn't mean the child will grow up messed up. Again, it's just my opinion and the OP certain ly doesn't have to agree or follow it.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

This is just a big bunch of anectodal scaremongering,

 

She's 24!! She has plenty of time to meet new people and have more children!

 

She stated in her other thread that she had complications from being a surrogate mother and the doctor said she was infertile. In her case, she might not have the chance to get pregnant again. That is why I stated what I did. I'm pro choice as long as the woman isn't pushed into something she's unsure about or doesn't want to do. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that having an affair child is the end of the world. I don't believe it's the best or ideal situation, but it doesn't mean the child will grow up messed up. Again, it's just my opinion and the OP certain ly doesn't have to agree or follow it.

 

Well, all evidence to the contrary. Clearly she isnt infertile, and getting pregnant IS possible.

[lollipopspot]

Whats your support network like? Who will be there to help you adjust in those first weeks?Who will care for baby when you are at work? How old will baby be before they are away from mother for long periods because of work (ie long daycare)? Can you afford child care? Not sure what the norm is for you. Im in Aus, so the government funds lots of our maternity leave and child care which means we can at least take 4 months after birth. What kind of savings do you have to support you through maternity leave? Who can you call when you are sick and need someone to care for baby?

 

Not sure where the OP is from, but in the US there are 12 weeks of UNpaid maternity leave (with restrictions), and seldom paid maternity leave

Parental leave - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

OP, do you have family who can care for the child? The biggest concern I would have is 40+ hr/week daycare for a baby/toddler. I know some people get put into a position where they have to do it, but if you go into this knowing that you would have to do that, I personally don't think that's best for a child. I know I wouldn't want to hand a baby over to a stranger for 40+ hours/week for them to raise him/her. I've seen people do that, and they have a couple waking hours with their child per day during the week, while they're making dinner, etc. For the sake of the child, I would sooner recommend scaling back on work and going on some kind of public assistance if it's available, which also isn't great. And what if the child has some kind of learning disability or ADD or something that makes them a more challenging child to raise? Think about the well-being of the child, not what you think "God" or "karma" want for you.

[lollipopspot]

In her case, she might not have the chance to get pregnant again.

 

Why is that a big deal? She already has two children. She already has the average number of children American women have in a lifetime.

Edited November 22, 2013 by lollipopspot