??? 5 year affair going on a 2 month break

[Sadgirl5555]

So we are nearing our 5 year mark in an affair. We are both married. We went crazy at first, fell head over heels and planned to be together. He changed his mind and started a long process of what felt like stringing me along. He wasn't honest about how he felt, that he might actually not follow through, etc. I was blind sided because we were so open with each other and I would have understood and been compassionate if he had just said he wasn't sure and was starting to face guilt, financial ruin, etc... he just kept seeing me and waited till I started asking questions. It was bad.

 

That caused me to lose trust in him and I did some bad things. I broke into his email one time. I told him immediately. I never appreciated the things he did for me, and there were a lot. He made a ton of effort to make me happy in the affair, but I didn't want it to be an affair, so I totally didn't appreciate him, instead crying, begging, complaining, and making time with me miserable for him.

 

When he would get cold and withdraw (which he sometimes said was due to guilt but I think it was because he couldn't make me happy and that made him feel lousy) I would panic and push him more, being needy and desperate. He would only get colder and then sometimes mean, and it would end with a big fight, where sometimes I went as far as to threaten to tell his wife. I think he knew I would never have done that. I never would hurt him. But even though I knew he was hurt by the threats, I would resort to them when it seemed I had no other way to gain any control of the situation. It seemed to me that I had to make him talk to me, to explain himself, etc, so I did't feel worthless or bad...which I thought he should want to do... I realized later that no matter how anyone treats me, my self worth is what matters. No one can make me unhappy. I am responsible to myself and for myself. I also realized that i drove him to treat me in the ways that caused the fights that culminated in a threat. I think he acted like a monster some of time, but it was a monster I created by being a spoiled, selfish, non-compassionate bitch. I totally failed as a lover, a friend, a person. He is really a very kind, generous, caring person at heart. He is no monster.

 

So fast forward to now. We still see each other but not often due to a move. We have struggled with definitions for a long time, "are we friends" "f buddies" etc... and when together we have a great time. For the last several months he has been more and more distant and less friendly. I have to make all the effort to contact him and he seems mildly interested at best to talk to me. I can't blame him. I was awful and unfair and he has every right to hate me.

 

So today we are talking and he tells me he started to believe me a few months ago when I was apologizing for the way I behaved in the past and that he was glad that I had gotten to a place where I no longer wanted a future with him, I am happy in my life, and he is just a little side piece. But we had a big argument that I think was a bit out of character for him. He provoked me and seemed to want to fight. It got as ugly as our fights ever did and I threatened him again. I didn't threaten that day to get control. I did it because I was angry. Plain and simple. He was being extremely hurtful and i couldn't see anything I had done this time to provoke him. I got angry after 8 hours of text / email fighting.. Looking back I think it was a test and I failed. I never should have engaged in any more than 5 minutes of text arguing and just said forget it till you can call me.

 

So as we are talking, a lot of good is coming out. I felt I was able to really say what I meant and apologize for the behaviors of the past. For the most part, these happened from 2009 - 2011, with a lot of good times mixed in. I was hitting on him, I mean, sex is what I am after here.... (before you say anything, I have a husband who has sexual issues and we have had sex zero times in our 9 years of marriage... I love him and we are working on it. I was celibate for a very long time so please do not preach at me here to leave him, etc..)

 

So MM said to me today that we could be intimate if we then have no contact for 2 months. At first, my feelings were hurt and my girlfriend says she would be hurt. But as I look at the big picture, I think this is a test too. I genuinely don't think that he is after just sex. That would actually be great to me. Sex, phone sex and skip the part where we have to care about each other's lives... I could deal with that and have suggested it. He did not agree to that.

 

I think it has to do with him feeling like he isn't respected. I did not respect him for a long time and I see that now. For example, if he had asked me not to text him on a weekend, it would have resulted in a huge fight, me arguing with him. Today I would totally react differently, sanely.

 

So my theory is that if I don't do the two months, I may have his kisses again, but it will be a big pain to get. He won't trust me anymore, he will loose any chance of having faith in me and the chaos we go through will continue until we lose every bit of friendship or passion we have left. If I make it through the two months and give him the space he asked for, I think he may start to see that I do respect him finally. I think if I can do the two months, he will start to let down this wall of anger and distrust he has built up.

 

I don't think this is about controlling me, demeaning me or not caring about me. I think it is really the opposite. If he didn't care about me, he would either take me up on the sex with absolutely no friendship piece or find sex elsewhere. He is a handsome, charming man. I guess what I am saying is that the fact that he wants to do this 2 month NC is because he cares about me and he wants to be able to trust me and keep each other part of our lives.

 

That being said, it sounds crazy. What are your thoughts? When you let someone down for a long time, when you treat them poorly and make them feel bad about themselves, and they still want to find a way to trust you, then you are lucky right? I think the break is the one last chance he is giving me.

 

Am I nuts?

[Cinnimon]

We went crazy at first, fell head over heels and planned to be together. He changed his mind and started a long process of what felt like stringing me along. He wasn't honest about how he felt, that he might actually not follow through, etc. I was blind sided because we were so open with each other and I would have understood and been compassionate if he had just said he wasn't sure and was starting to face guilt, financial ruin, etc... he just kept seeing me and waited till I started asking questions. It was bad.

 

This happened in my A and it made me feel lied to and deceived. I became very angry and did the same thing you did except the breaking into the email part. I felt like a crazy person (I can only imagine that this is only a teeny tiny feeling compared to what the BS must feel when they discover all the lies). I never regained my trust in him. Do I think your crazy? No. I think that A will make you question your own sanity though. Sex and then a 2 month break? Sounds like a game to me. Sorry

[yellowmaverick]

but it was a monster I created by being a spoiled, selfish, non-compassionate bitch.

 

Hence the reason he does not want to be with you. He is probably trying to get out of the affair.

 

that he was glad that I had gotten to a place where I no longer wanted a future with him

 

Again, he is too much of a coward to break it off - better to have you do it.

 

I don't think this is about controlling me, demeaning me or not caring about me. I think it is really the opposite

 

Nope - it's about not wanting to continue the affair with you.

 

Am I nuts?

 

Yes.

[Sadgirl5555]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I don't think it is about ending it. I think it he wanted to end it, he would end it. I also don't think he would meet up with me today if he wanted to end it. It wasn't easy for him today but it was our only chance and he grabbed it. He told me himself he knows I would never seek out a way to hurt him, humiliate him or ruin his marriage. I know he doesn't fear me.

 

I forgot to mention that he said No Contact Except to talk about where we are traveling in case we could meet up. I don't tend to travel in winter much so I am guessing that it wouldn't happen before the two months.

 

Honestly, I have asked about having sex and nothing else several times. No pressure to ask how things are or care about work, life, etc... Our sex is the best he has ever had he says, and I believe him because we have tried anything and everything either of us ever wanted to... the chemistry and attraction is crazy. It is our best piece.

[Sadgirl5555]

I did the same thing, became very emotional, him too, the breaks made us stronger at first, and then more breaks. It was a continuous round of breaks for him to get his head together. several years and now we have had a massive bust up and NC. It drives you crazy when your relationship does not move forward. It cannot stay the same. Basically MM become adjusted to two lives after this period of time, no matter how dysfunctional,the double life becomes liveable in a way, but something has to give inevitably.

 

Hi Too Sensitive - Were you wanting your relationship to go further? I did but only for the first couple of years. I realized that I love my life as is. I started to work with my husband on his sexual issues and though we haven't been able to have sex, it has made us closer. I came into my affair just looking for sex after several years in my late 20s and early 30s being completely celibate. I didn't mean to fall for him and I did. But I got back to that point, but sadly, after making so many mistakes and treating him poorly. I think if we both can trust each other to respect each other, then we both want the same thing.

 

I am sorry you are in NC and for the pain you are in.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Honestly? Hes just not that into you.

 

A bit on the side is supposed to be exactly that - on the side.

 

You have been more high maintenance than a marriage. And far more risky.

 

He wants the sex, without the drama.

[RickFox]

How you describe yourself and everything that went on I can't help but think he has the perfect doormat. He can use you every now and then to wipe the dirt off his feet and go away until he wants to romp thru the mud once again. He's picking fights with you to push you away, but keeping you at arms length and just within reach for when/if he wants to excitement.

 

You can say you're happy with it being a side piece, but let's face it, you won't stay satisfied for long and will once again demand more.

[Sadgirl5555]

How you describe yourself and everything that went on I can't help but think he has the perfect doormat. He can use you every now and then to wipe the dirt off his feet and go away until he wants to romp thru the mud once again. He's picking fights with you to push you away, but keeping you at arms length and just within reach for when/if he wants to excitement.

 

You can say you're happy with it being a side piece, but let's face it, you won't stay satisfied for long and will once again demand more.

 

Well, I am happy with that. I don't want to be married to him for many reasons I couldn't see back in the day. If he were single, I would not leave to be with him. He and I don't have the same desires for our futures. I think he has been doing a push / pull thing and it used to drive me crazy, when I wanted him. Now it just frustrates me because I am after the sex. I have honestly thought about replacing him but I just feel like starting something sexual with a new person is a pain. My attraction to him physically is so strong, the sex out of the this world, and he is fun to be around.

 

I was a doormat to him for a long time. But now, am I? If he had jumped into bed with me today, then left, I would have been fine. I am confused because of the sitting down for tea, the talking before and after about just life stuff, then the 2 months.

[Sadgirl5555]

Honestly? Hes just not that into you.

 

A bit on the side is supposed to be exactly that - on the side.

 

You have been more high maintenance than a marriage. And far more risky.

 

He wants the sex, without the drama.

 

 

I have been more high maintenance and I was truly awful to him. I made him feel like nothing he could ever do was good enough. I regret it so much.

 

Are you saying he feels like he has to give me this NC rule to stop the drama? That could very well be true. I think that having to put rules on me to control the situation made way more sense when I was literally going crazy years ago. I think he doesn't trust me now, hence the rules. At this point, all I want is sex with no drama. I feel like he is the drama king. He would say I am. Maybe NC is the only way get there.

[awkward]

When was the last time you fought and threatened to tell his wife?

[Sadgirl5555]

The last real fight and threat would have been in spring 2012... Last July we had a fight where I sarcastically said, why are you provoking me so much? Why are you pushing me and being so personal? What do you want? You want a threat?

 

So he would say July 2013... I don't think that counts really though.

[hopewild]

Sad girl, I just want to commend you for owning up to everything you did and that you are honest with yourself about the kind of person that has made you.

 

Honestly - in my A I couldn't ever dream of threatening like that. How could you expect that person to ever trust you in the same way again? You crossed a line that can't be uncrossed and while it's beyond awesome that you are owning up to your mistakes I don't think that this A can continue in the way that you want it to.

 

The whole sleep together and NC for 2 months seems ridiculous to me. You guys are adults.....have sex and move on or just move on without the sex.

 

Deep down you know what you should do.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I have been more high maintenance and I was truly awful to him. I made him feel like nothing he could ever do was good enough. I regret it so much.

 

Are you saying he feels like he has to give me this NC rule to stop the drama? That could very well be true. I think that having to put rules on me to control the situation made way more sense when I was literally going crazy years ago. I think he doesn't trust me now, hence the rules. At this point, all I want is sex with no drama. I feel like he is the drama king. He would say I am. Maybe NC is the only way get there.

 

Im saying he wants to F**k you, but not talk to you or have anything else to do with you. Personally, Id take that as a big fat slap in the face. You might as well be a live, breathing blow up doll for all the respect he has for you. He is using you. And being very clear about it.

[Speakingofwhich]

Deep down you know what you should do.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This.

 

You probably have a pretty good handle on what's going on. There is so much information in any R that exists beyond the facts of the R that I've found no matter how many really good opinions I get on any R after sharing the facts, the one I know in my soul to be true is the one that always turns out to be accurate.

 

Unless, I share the facts with someone who has spent a lot of time in the presence of myself and the party who make up the R together. And who is a perceptive person. Those are the only people who seem to be able to make a proper assessment of my Rs with people I'm close to in my life.

 

Your assessment of the sitch seems way off to me. But, I have only the facts you've given us to go by in order to assess. You have much more than facts. I think you understand exactly what is going on.

 

Now, here's the caution I have for you: Be sure to be honest with yourself about what's truly going on here. I'm not suggesting you're not being honest, merely cautioning you be sure you are!

 

And, must add, you seem to be making progress with your H. Why not focus your attention there and see where it leads? Seems you have far more to gain by putting your efforts in with him than with MM.

[Sadgirl5555]

I know the threats were deplorable. I was terrible. He should hate me. I don't know why he would not. Yes, he did a lot of bad too. Yes, there is more to the story than I can write in here. But overall, I was the biggest failure of the relationship and I regret it immensely.

 

To the person who says he is using me for the sex, I don't think that is it. I know it may seem so clear to you, but we don't get to see each other that often, he could find another woman for sex, and I think he is happy enough with sex at home. I want him for sex. I use him as a live blow up doll. He doesn't seem to mind that part of me...lol.

 

He always said that over time, maybe the bad memories would fade, that he had forgiven me but not forgotten. He has resentment and anger built up. It was a nice conversation today. I got the feeling he was trying hard to believe me as I apologized and finally admitted everything I regret. I got the feeling he wants to get passed it. It was emotional for both of us... watering eyes.

 

Maybe the time and space is to get over it? Maybe he is just using me. It is not like him to do something just to cause me pain, so I think there is more to it than him being selfish.

[hopewild]

I know the threats were deplorable. I was terrible. He should hate me. I don't know why he would not. Yes, he did a lot of bad too. Yes, there is more to the story than I can write in here. But overall, I was the biggest failure of the relationship and I regret it immensely.

 

To the person who says he is using me for the sex, I don't think that is it. I know it may seem so clear to you, but we don't get to see each other that often, he could find another woman for sex, and I think he is happy enough with sex at home. I want him for sex. I use him as a live blow up doll. He doesn't seem to mind that part of me...lol.

 

He always said that over time, maybe the bad memories would fade, that he had forgiven me but not forgotten. He has resentment and anger built up. It was a nice conversation today. I got the feeling he was trying hard to believe me as I apologized and finally admitted everything I regret. I got the feeling he wants to get passed it. It was emotional for both of us... watering eyes.

 

Maybe the time and space is to get over it? Maybe he is just using me. It is not like him to do something just to cause me pain, so I think there is more to it than him being selfish.

 

Seriously??? If that is what you are after than why not just seek it elsewhere? Why go through all this trouble? You say the idea of seeking someone else seems like too much trouble. Probably not more trouble than all of this craziness over the span of 5 years.

 

And if you feel this way what makes you so sure he doesn't feel the same way? It's likely that he just wants to have sex with you - despite all of the crap you went through - out of convenience. Honestly, if you could admit that to each other and make an attempt to simplify all the drama you'd be a lot better off.

 

Otherwise......be prepared for more drama.....something tells me you don't mind it all that much.

[Sadgirl5555]

Hopewild, I have everything I want at home except absolutely no physical life. No sex in 9 years and it is a complicated problem, so even though we are working on it, it won't be fixed overnight. Hopefully someday.

 

It is complicated to me to find someone else for a lot of reasons. First, this was supposed to be just sex from the start. I had no intention of anything else. I had spent years completely celibate and was attracted to MM like no one I had ever met. Being near him did things to me I had never experienced. I have been that attracted to maybe two men in life. But look what happened? We fell in love. We made plans. We told our spouses and we separated. Life was messy, sad, torture for all. He didn't follow through and we started going through this hell for a few years. Finally I realized the big picture. We are not meant for each other. I love my husband and my life with him. He loves me too, which was hard to come to realize. I had a lot of anger and resentment towards him for not working on the sexual health issues so we could have a sex life.

 

Once I realized that I don't want MM full time, that we are not matched well to be married, I focused on the sex only. We are close friends, the sex is incredible. I do not want love or romance. I want what we normally have, a long day laying in bed talking about everyrhing, laughing, going to lunch or dinner and having lots of the best sex I have ever had.

 

I used to have this. He used to do so much for me. Plan trips for us, take me out and do fun stuff...he was awesome. Then, I was too focused on wanting a real life with him to appprecaite it.

 

Someone new scares me. Where do I meet him? How do I find that attraction? How do I know of he is a good man? I cannot take being hurt by someone new, lied too. I don't want to be with someone who sleeps around. I want a special friend who I can trust and respect and enjoy. I cannot handle falling for another man. The pain was terrible and I don't want to love anyone but my husband.

 

I think MM and I are perfect for using each other and being friends. The problem is that he thinks I want more, is angry at me, doesn't trust me not to fight with him. If I had my current mindset back in the day, instead of wanting more, I never would have hurt him.

[hopewild]

Hopewild, I have everything I want at home except absolutely no physical life. No sex in 9 years and it is a complicated problem, so even though we are working on it, it won't be fixed overnight. Hopefully someday.

 

It is complicated to me to find someone else for a lot of reasons. First, this was supposed to be just sex from the start. I had no intention of anything else. I had spent years completely celibate and was attracted to MM like no one I had ever met. Being near him did things to me I had never experienced. I have been that attracted to maybe two men in life. But look what happened? We fell in love. We made plans. We told our spouses and we separated. Life was messy, sad, torture for all. He didn't follow through and we started going through this hell for a few years. Finally I realized the big picture. We are not meant for each other. I love my husband and my life with him. He loves me too, which was hard to come to realize. I had a lot of anger and resentment towards him for not working on the sexual health issues so we could have a sex life.

 

Once I realized that I don't want MM full time, that we are not matched well to be married, I focused on the sex only. We are close friends, the sex is incredible. I do not want love or romance. I want what we normally have, a long day laying in bed talking about everyrhing, laughing, going to lunch or dinner and having lots of the best sex I have ever had.

 

I used to have this. He used to do so much for me. Plan trips for us, take me out and do fun stuff...he was awesome. Then, I was too focused on wanting a real life with him to appprecaite it.

 

Someone new scares me. Where do I meet him? How do I find that attraction? How do I know of he is a good man? I cannot take being hurt by someone new, lied too. I don't want to be with someone who sleeps around. I want a special friend who I can trust and respect and enjoy. I cannot handle falling for another man. The pain was terrible and I don't want to love anyone but my husband.

 

I think MM and I are perfect for using each other and being friends. The problem is that he thinks I want more, is angry at me, doesn't trust me not to fight with him. If I had my current mindset back in the day, instead of wanting more, I never would have hurt him.

 

1. Admit, understand, and accept the fact that because you crossed those emotional lines with MM that the relationship is tainted. You can't undo all those years. Whether or not you are still in love with him doesn't matter. The relationship will always be complicated. Which you say is the problem.

 

2. I can sympathize with the struggle of loving your husband and yet being unsatisfied in such a CRUCIAL area of life/love. Do you have children together? What are the stakes? Is there anyway he would consider an open relationship type situation with you? If not - I think you need to start seriously thinking about finding someone else who satisfies you and is willing to work at things. Or go back to celibacy. Otherwise you are just going to continue hurting innocent people and yourself. You have to make the choice.......