wife cheated 12 years ago

[nabelp]

I am new to this site and I am 25 days past D-Day and this is my story:

 

I found out through her own admission while she was texting it up with another guy that my wife had an emotional affair with a guy she worked with from the fall of 99 to the spring of 00. He quit his job and it ended but then phone calls started. The calls didn't last long and they stopped also. Fast forward to July 01 and he resurfaces at my wifes work place and they hit if off again. In Sept of 01 she asks (she was the aggressor) him to meet her at a local park. They end up having sex in the park bathroom. A week later, it was in a cheap motel that rents rooms by the hour. Then it was in his car behind a restaurant and oral sex while he was driving another time. Things cooled down in November of 01 and all contact was stopped by January of 02. He resurfaces again in August of 02 and my wife meets him one more time in October of 02 for one last romp in his car in another local park.

It took me 23 days to get my wife to come clean. Her story kept changing daily. 23 of the worst days of my life. I know in my heart that she is now told me the whole story and has left nothing to my imagination. She always said a lot she "couldn't remember" or "didn't know" because it was so long ago. To me though, it happened 25 days ago. I had to pry and prod and pry some more to get her to remember details I needed to know. It always seem that when I got angry she would suddenly remember more of it. So I stayed angry for 6 days. If I was loving then she would think I was getting over it.

I haven't found anyone in my situation on the internet yet. This happened so long ago and even though its new to me, its ancient history to her. She got over it although I don't believe she ever regretted it. She had 12 years to feel remorseful and forgive herself. I haven't had that luxury. Right now, I am in the stage of sadness. Sadness that my wife was capable of doing something like this. The stories I know would blow your mind. Just the story of how I found out would blow your mind. Its so bizarre that sometimes I don't believe it.

Anyways, is there anyone that found out about an affair years after the fact? I know I want to stay married and she is doing everything possible to get me through this. I am getting tired of her telling me that she "loves me" every 5 minutes though. I feel like she now wants to smother me. Im dealing with this in my own way and I have told her all my thoughts and feelings. I write her a daily email of what my feelings are that day. In fact, I have written her tons of emails because my thoughts come out better in writing.

Im just not sure how to handle this. She thinks that because it was so long ago that I should just be ready to move on and continue like nothing happened.

Thanks for listening...there is so much more to this story but I didn't want to write a book. Any ideas on how to deal with finding out 12 years later? Or is time my enemy right now? I need lots of it but unfortunately there are only 24 hours in a day. The mind movies wont stop. Ive lost 14 pounds already and im getting about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. My imagination takes over and I am suffering at work. I met this guy once during their affair. He was over my house once. There are just so many emotions going on that im wondering if I should just leave.

 

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[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Why did she do it?

 

What was her reason for not telling you about it?

 

What was your relationship with her like prior to finding out?

 

Do you have any kids?

[harrybrown]

So she did all these things for the OM?

 

Where is he now? What can she do for you that she did not do for him?

 

Have her put the affair in writing on a timeline for you. So has she been tested for stds? Why did she not leave you for him?

 

It is all new for you, like it happened yesterday. Has she had any other affairs?

 

Ask her why are you her backup plan? Did she use protection? I doubt it.

 

Sorry you are here.

[nabelp]

Thanks for the quick replies....

 

Ill try to answer your questions.

 

After many days, I found out she did it for fun and fun only. Although she said told him she loved him. Doesn't make sense I know.

 

She told me that she was going to take this to her grave. She gave no reason for not telling me.

 

We have two kids. Our son is 21 and our daughter is 7 tomorrow. Crazy I know.

 

She did all these things for fun and excitement. Although she told me he was a "two pump chump"

 

The guy still lives in the area. She says she has not had contact with him since Dec of 02. Although, he wasn't a Facebook friend of hers, she did like a couple of pictures of him in 2012

 

She promises she had no other affairs but I busted her because she was texting another guy. I believe they did not do anything because of what I read.

 

Our relationship was good. We have been married 23 years and I didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

 

She admitted to not using protection once (which means 100 times to me). I have been tested a few years ago with a problem I was having. I know she was tested too.

 

I like the timeline idea. I was the one who had to piece the puzzle together and I came up with my own timeline. I wrote it out and it took me almost two hours to read it to her. I was spot on with a lot of things I said that I thought. I know my wife and I know how she thinks.

[twosadthings]

If she is still texting other men she learned nothing from her affair and quite likely has had other extra-marital encounters of one sort or another. I would not want to quibble with you but your relationship has not been as good as you think it was. 23 days probably was all you could take but it wasn't enough to get the full truth. Keep digging and at least suggest a polygraph. If she refuses start the 180 and explore all of your options.

 

Don't be sad or afraid because that quickly turns to anger and anger will cause you to do stupid things.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[bubbaganoosh]

[quote=nabelp;5356375

Our relationship was good. We have been married 23 years and I didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

 

 

How could you say that your relationship has been good when she did this to you "For the fun of it"?

 

Having sex in a public restroom in a park. A pay by the hour motel and in his car.

 

It's obvious that she really didn't have the same kind of feelings for you that you had for her. It seems that the cheaper is was and the more seedy the sex was tells me that you never really knew this woman. Then you catch her on line with another guy?

 

If it was me, I would tell her to get a good attorney because you are and if she thinks the sex was nice and dirty, she hasn't seen nothing yet. I would throw her ass out and tell her to set up shop at that cheap motel where she got her thrills and not to come back.

 

The woman disrespected you and her family and thought nothing of it so why would you even think about giving her a second chance. She gave no thought about the chances of giving you a STD. Why? because it was fun. Nothing else. That in it's self should tell you right there.

 

IMO she doesn't deserve a second chance. What she told you was that her lust came first and her husband and family came in second and that to me is unforgivable.

[Realist3]

So this happened 12 year ago. She is still with you. And yet this is such decision of make or break? Not following you here.

[atreides]

It's your life, but going off information given, she has not learned a thing, still text... really!? If it were me, i would bail in a heart beat, there could be more A's you have no knowledge of.

Terrible situation.... best of luck.

[Bryanp]

Holy smokes....what your wife did is so very trashy and low class. Her only excuse was she did it for fun. Either she is a total idiot or she simply never cared that much for the marriage and was ready to lose it.

 

The fact years later you now catch her currently texting another guy and it did not go anywhere because you caught it early says a great deal.

1. It shows that the chances are great that she has engaged in other affairs.

2. She continued to lie to you and change her story time and again and somehow you immediately believe her that she has not engaged in other affairs? What is wrong with this picture?

3. Your wife clearly has learned nothing from her previous cheating that you know about since you just caught her again texting another man.

4. Your wife clearly has no problem lying to your face and playing you for a fool.

5. It may be a good idea to have your 7 year old tested for paternity.

 

Again it is pretty unlikely that she has had only one affair if you just caught her texting another man again. You sound like a good guy but you also sound like you are in denial. I have a hunch that she is a serial cheater.

 

In addition, she admitted that she did not use protection and after her trashy behavior you know that there had to be times that she would come home to you and be intimate with you. What excuse did she give you for texting this new man? I truly feel sorry for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know in my heart that she is now told me the whole story and has left nothing to my imagination.

Most likely not true. You know the parts of the "whole story" that have become unclassified 12 years later. Trust me, plenty still redacted.

I found out through her own admission while she was texting it up with another guy

Are you prepared to believe the she strayed "for fun" over the course of 4 years ending 2002 - and then no more "fun" until today ???

 

I feel for you. You've seen the tip of the iceberg. Keep posting as there's tough times ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Artie Lang]

Im just not sure how to handle this. She thinks that because it was so long that I should just be ready to move on and continue like nothing

happened.

 

the affair might've been over long ago(from her perspective, but this is all news to you.

 

do not sweep this under the rug!

[tom670]

DNA test the 7 year old please.

 

Then you can make an informed decision.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She told me that she was going to take this to her grave. She gave no reason for not telling me.

 

She promises she had no other affairs but I busted her because she was texting another guy. I believe they did not do anything because of what I read.

 

This is pretty much all I would need to know.

 

She clearly has a long pattern of dishonesty and no remorse.

 

What do you plan to do?

[Grumpybutfun]

How could you say that your relationship has been good when she did this to you "For the fun of it"?

 

Having sex in a public restroom in a park. A pay by the hour motel and in his car.

 

It's obvious that she really didn't have the same kind of feelings for you that you had for her. It seems that the cheaper is was and the more seedy the sex was tells me that you never really knew this woman. Then you catch her on line with another guy?

 

If it was me, I would tell her to get a good attorney because you are and if she thinks the sex was nice and dirty, she hasn't seen nothing yet. I would throw her ass out and tell her to set up shop at that cheap motel where she got her thrills and not to come back.

 

The woman disrespected you and her family and thought nothing of it so why would you even think about giving her a second chance. She gave no thought about the chances of giving you a STD. Why? because it was fun. Nothing else. That in it's self should tell you right there.

 

IMO she doesn't deserve a second chance. What she told you was that her lust came first and her husband and family came in second and that to me is unforgivable.

 

I wish I could like bubbaganoosh's post 1 million times. Nailed it!

G

[Spectre]

Ok you need to divorce her immediately. Not only does she seem skanky, but her recent behavior also has many red flags.

 

First, this woman never loved you..period. She doesn't respect you. If she did she would of never done this..and especially not just "for fun". Also, the facebook thing is more red flags and more utter disrespect. Why the hell is she checking his facebook? Why is she liking his pictures? This woman has no respect for you at all. Please do not stay with her, even though you have kids..leave! Do not waste another 12 yrs of your life with this tramp.

 

Not to mention you caught her texting another friggin guy! How can you think about staying? You also said you found out about the affair by seeing her texts to this guy. What did they say? Why was she talking about cheating with this guy? Was she bragging about it? Expressing remorse?

 

Also what kinds of things was she saying to this guy in the text? Were they talking sexually? Did they talk about meeting up?

 

I'm curious to know those things about the texts, but you still absolutely need to dump her. Oh and one more thing: her not telling you certain things she did with him because she doesn't remember is pure BS. She remembers, she just doesn't want to say. So in conclusion man she cheats on you and shows you she has zero love for you. She checks out the facebook page of the guy she cheated with and likes his photos. She was texting some other dude on the phone and talking to him about how she had affairs. She also admits she never would of told you and has the balls to say you should get over this because it happened a long time ago.

 

There is no way this woman has even a shred of love for you. I urge you to leave. Also as someone said GET A DNA TEST FOR YOUR 7 YR. OLD! Your wife is trampy and not to be trusted, make sure the kid is yours. Even if the kid is yours you still need to divorce her. Unless you truly do hate yourself..you will leave her.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Iguanna]

Oh my. This story destroyed my day (it's morning here). All men started saying that he should leave her, but I'm wondering, what about the 7years old kid? Will the mother keep it? So the OP will lose both his wife and his kid for a mistake his wife made?

 

Other than that you don't give us important details like, how is your relationship other than the affair she had years ago? Is she a caring, loving wife? Is she a good mother? Did she ever imply that she needed something more from you? Does she seem like she really has regretted it now? And why was she texting another guy? Do you believe her she has regretted now or do you think she's angry with herself that she got busted?

 

I can't stop wondering, what was the purpose that you knew all the details about her affair, like where and when they had sex? What did it change?

 

I suggest that you stay some time apart. This way you can both think and consider your actions. There is no reason to go over and over the story again and searching for the details. Your wife cheated on you, she was never going to tell you and now you found out. Leave the sad details aside and try to understand what her feelings are now about you, if she has regretted, what she will do to win you back and in general what are the options.

[Spectre]

Oh my. This story destroyed my day (it's morning here). All men started saying that he should leave her, but I'm wondering, what about the 7years old kid? Will the mother keep it? So the OP will lose both his wife and his kid for a mistake his wife made?

 

It's a tough situation, but they could get joint custody of the 7 yr. old. It is true he doesn't deserve to lose his kids over a mistake she made..but he also doesn't deserve to suffer staying married to someone who has zero respect or love for him and being forced to stay in a relationship merely because of a child. Kid will be 18 in 11 years, which means this guy has to waste pretty much another 12 years of his life with this woman if they stay for the kid.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I know exactly what you are feeling. My wife waited 8 years to confess her affair. I got a lot "I don't remember" answers on the details. The delay creates a whole set of challenges. The years passed doesn't diminish the pain or betrayal. It is fresh as if it happened yesterday for the BS!

 

My wife's affair was the the same period: Fall '99, early '00. She confessed March 2008.

 

You can read about my story by searching through my profile.

[Spectre]

I know exactly what you are feeling. My wife waited 8 years to confess her affair. I got a lot "I don't remember" answers on the details. The delay creates a whole set of challenges. The years passed doesn't diminish the pain or betrayal. It is fresh as if it happened yesterday for the BS!

 

My wife's affair was the the same period: Fall '99, early '00. She confessed March 2008.

 

You can read about my story by searching through my profile.

 

At least tell me you dumped her, since she can't be in love with you to do that. Especially to look you in the eyes for 8 years..telling you she loved you, all the while knowing this?

[crederer]

Yah I'm curious as to what the conversation was with this guy online. My advice would be pivotal on that.

[road]

daughter is 7 tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

DNA test daughter.

 

She did all these things for fun and excitement. Although she told me he was a "two pump chump"

 

 

Damage control statement. Claiming to show she did not love OM. He sucked in bed. Then why did she keep doing him? Ask her that.

 

 

The guy still lives in the area. She says she has not had contact with him since Dec of 02. Although, he wasn't a Facebook friend of hers, she did like a couple of pictures of him in 2012

 

 

This is proof that contact has continued and the reason why you must DNA test your DD. Why like a photo when the affair is ended and she is NC with the OM?

 

 

She promises she had no other affairs but I busted her because she was texting another guy. I believe they did not do anything because of what I read.

 

 

 

WW's lie. Polygraph her.

 

She admitted to not using protection once (which means 100 times to me). I have been tested a few years ago with a problem I was having. I know she was tested too.

 

 

 

WW's lie. They are known to never use protection during an affair. Another reason to polygraph.

[road]

So this happened 12 year ago. She is still with you. And yet this is such decision of make or break? Not following you here.

 

 

 

It is 12 year old news to the OM and WW.

 

 

Brand new news to this BH. His response is normal and appropriate.

[aliveagain]

You posted that your wife was the aggressor 12 years ago, why would you believe anything she says specially if the same traits are discovered now, emotional affair than physical. You caught her in her latest emotional affair, sounds like she has no problem letting it get physical. Why do you believe no other affairs happened, because she told you so? She is not a very good source of truth. If you want the truth book the polygraph, you may have just discovered that your wife has been cheating all through your marriage, she may be a serial cheater.

 

You have just discovered her infidelity, you still don't know how deep the rabbit hole is. I am not telling you to start divorce proceedings but you do need to talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights because once you know about the infidelity the Courts deem you to have forgiven her if you take no action. Public bathrooms, parks and cheap hotels that rent rooms by the hour, sounds romantic, is she a sex addict? If she did this for just sex you have to wonder if there are other issues.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Oh my. This story destroyed my day (it's morning here). All men started saying that he should leave her, but I'm wondering, what about the 7years old kid? Will the mother keep it? So the OP will lose both his wife and his kid for a mistake his wife made?

 

I can't stop wondering, what was the purpose that you knew all the details about her affair, like where and when they had sex? What did it change?

 

Past cheating + current cheating. Who cares how well she does the dishes or pretends to love you?

 

If the family breaks up that is 100% on her. He won't lose his daughter... Unless his wife is a true scumbag and tries to use the child to hurt him.

 

You may not understand but when you get cheated and lied to on that level it creates a massive emotional need for details. It's a way to compensate for feeling fooled, and an attempt to understand why.

[Spectre]

It is 12 year old news to the OM and WW.

 

 

Brand new news to this BH. His response is normal and appropriate.

 

Also the thing is she was viewing this other dude on facebook and liking his pictures. So this isn't just something that is solely in the past, even before the husband found out. Like I said if she was even remotely sorry for what she had done she would never of been on FB checking out this dudes profile and viewing his pictures and even going so far as to "like" them. Especially since if someone "likes" a picture of yours can't you see who did it? So what message is that going to tell this guy when he see's her doing that? If I was him I'd think "ok she's checking me out, another hookup is a definite possibility".

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre