Will the images go away??

[Beezer16]

So my wife of 9 years cheated on me. For the past 3-4 years we've grown

apart, more and more. The reasoning behind this is job loss, the loss

of her dad, an unplanned pregnancy, depression on both of our parts.

Katie had left a job at COMPANY A, in which she had a ton of flexibility

and a job she truly liked to pursue a better opportunity in 2010. While

at this new job, she was not as happy, we found out that her father had

cancer, and I was laid off from a position I held for 13 years. When I

got laid off it was devastating, I could not find a job anywhere & I

was, and still am, ridiculed about my efforts in finding another job.

Katie got pregnant shortly after, not planned of course, we were happy,

yet scared about finances. Once Katie went back to work she was laid

off herself, she quickly got a job she loved, yet that was a short

endeavor, as she was, again, laid off. During this time (I recently

learned) she was in contact with her old boss, Bill, from COMPANY A. He

quickly got the wheels turning to get her back to COMPANY A, she indeed

was hired very quickly. Katie started working in April of 2013, and

Bill, her old boss/friend, offered her a ride into Manhattan for the

first day to help get her things in and to get acclimated with the

commute. Anyway after this first day, Bill continued to pick up / drop

off my wife pretty much daily. Of course I had a thought that something

was up, he was her boss years ago & since I was working for the same

company I'd visit that area and I saw how he looked at her (she is

stunning). These rides continued, I never said anything about my

suspicions, I justified it as a money saver, and we were not in a place

to be spending $300+ more a month on commuting. Then it happened, 1:30

am September 19th the phone rang, my answering machine picked up and I

heard, what I thought was a recorded political message or sales call, in

my half-awake state. I then got up out of bed, picked up the kitchen

phone and said "hello", "Hello"! Only to be greeted by Bill's wife,

going off about how Bill and Katie have been going on with an affair for

the past few months and possibly the past 3-4 years since she found

"sexting" between them at that time. I immediately confronted her by

waking her up and she denied everything, said that Stephanie was just

nuts and that the "sexting" was all fun and games. I thought I believed

her, but deep down I knew, I knew for a very long time. We spoke

extensively and Katie continued to deny all, sticking to her story, I

told her I believed her and believed all of the justification, that's

what a spouse does, they believe. One night a few weeks later Katie

went out shopping, which was not out of the norm, except about 10-10:30

PM I awoke to not have her in bed, so I called & she didn't pick up, I

called again, went right to voice mail, I looked up the mall's hours,

they closed at 9:30 that night. Where was she for the past hour, dead?

I was worried, called again and at this point it was 11PM and she

answered, she said she was on the phone with her aunt, she was having a

meltdown and would be home soon. The mall is 10 minutes away, I called

back at 11:30 and she said she was on her way now...she pulled in the

driveway at 12:30.

The following day, I looked at Katie's phone and saw no recent calls to

or from her aunt. I didn't confront her. A few days later I looked

again, as maybe I missed something and I saw texts from Bill's wife.

These texts were about having a meeting, and that they couldn't stay as

long as the last one (street cleaners in the mall lot). Another couple

of days later (Halloween) I stayed up all night going through hundreds

of texts between Stephanie & Katie, with incriminating words like

"affair" "my husband's ex-lover"... I spent that Friday thinking how I

was going to confront her and what my reaction would be.

I continued to visualize another man touching my wife, someone I had a

trust in, convincing my wife to violate our wedding vows. The following

day, at my daughter's soccer game, Katie walked away for some time and

left her phone back, in which I peeked at her phone and just broke down,

Katie returned and knew I was upset and demanded to know what was wrong

with me, I said nothing. Sunday, the next day I asked Katie's aunts if

they could watch our kids in the afternoon, while I talked with Katie.

We went to lunch and then took a walk on the beach, Katie was ecstatic

that I arranged for a sitter and took her to these places, this is what

she wanted. Then we sat, I said "ok, 3 people know the real story, how

about telling the fourth", she turned white. She then continued to tell

me the story of her affair with Bill. I thought I was prepared to hear

about all the sexcapades between them. What I did hear was how their

friendship turned into a loving relationship and how what Bill was

offering was exactly what I was not giving her, emotionally. How the

natural progression turned into a couple of Hotel visits, that never

were consummated, because he couldn't "rise to the occasion" (here he is

with the most beautiful woman I know and he couldn't get hard, this I

take a tiny bit of pleasure in). I also thought this was going to be

the most hurtful thing I heard, It was not. The fact that my wife

actually was, and still is, in love with this other guy is pure

devastation. I was not ready to feel that emotion, I am still feeling

this emotion, I am still visualizing Bill touching my wife, there are

still acts that were probably done to be sure he could not perform, if

not the first time, then most likely the second, I cannot get this

replay out of my head. Katie asked if I wanted to come to her therapy

session the following Tuesday, I said yes.

The following day, Monday, it continued to haunt me, my manager actually

send me home because I looked nauseous...I was. I went for a drive, to

think, to sort out all my questions and put them on paper for our

session the following day, I had 2 notebook pages worth. During

therapy, Katie agreed to answer every question openly and honestly, I do

believe she did.

What was next was confronting Bill, by phone of course because I'm sure

to go "ape$h!t" on him if in person. I called his cell phone, no

answer, called again 2 hours later, no answer, then called right back

and left a message stating that I deserve the courtesy of a conversation

at the very least and the next time I call him, I expect him to pick up.

Later that night, I called, he didn't answer. My next move was

contacting my wife to give her an earful about the coward she had an

affair with! Finally the next day after my 2nd call, he picked up. Now

I basically scripted my conversation, and followed it since I didn't

want to forget anything. He started by saying how remorseful he was

that he deceived, and hurt many people and truly sorry he was...I

stopped him right there and said your only sorry you got caught. I

then, calmly and collectively told him what I thought of him, how he

preyed on a friend that confided in him with her own troubles and he

took advantage of a friend of 10 years. How anyone could do this, look

at their husband each morning and even accept hugs from my daughter, I

told him I hope this haunts you for life & hoped his daughter does not

fall for a P.O.S. like her father. I think I got my point across, as

her sounded as if he wanted to walk in front of the next truck that sped

by (this would not sadden me).

So my wife and I are working this out. We go to therapy as a couple and

alone. She has been completely transparent, I'm trying to give her the

emotional support I believe she wants & she is being more loving then

before. I do truly love her and want to work this out. My problem is I

still see him touching her, I want 5 minutes with him! I want to trust

her again & be as we were in the beginning of our relationship. I told

him that I hope he is haunted by what he did, but I am...daily. I know

this is still fresh but when will this end?

[harrybrown]

Are they still working together? Has your wife gone NC with him?

 

Has she been tested for stds? How would she feel if you had the affair?

 

I do not believe that he never got it up. Together to many times.

 

So she did so much for him. What will she do for you that she did not do for him? You are her backup plan. She is still TT.

 

Has she written you a timeline of the affair?

[Beezer16]

They still work for the same company, his wife is forcing him to quit.No STD needed, was truly an EA.

She would hate if it were me, the timeline was in person, in front of her long time therapist, who knew of the affair for 2 months and confirmed all. I've been with her for 16 years, married for 9

[Beezer16]

& I'm sorry, as a newbie, I don't recognize some abbreviation ( TT, NC )

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but it sounds like your wife is in damage control. Your wife had no problem for a long time lying and cheating on you behind your back and going to hotels with the OM. Somehow you believe her when she says he never got it up?.....Are you kidding me? I think I have a bridge to sell you. If he could not get it up why did they continue to go to hotels?

 

She fell in love with him and did not care that he could not get it up? Get serious. Most women would immediately be angry and feel that the OM did not find her attractive but she continued this for a very long time and you still believe he just could not get it up. My friend you are in big time denial. You believe this ridiculous story because you wish to believe it. It simply is not logical.

 

If the roles were reversed and you told your wife that you feel in love with another beautiful woman and spent a great deal of time going to hotels and trying to make love to her but couldn't....do you honestly believe that your wife would believe such a story from you?

 

Your wife cheats on you and humiliates you by having the OM pick her up to work and drive her home and he continues meeting your family all the time and somehow based on your post it is all your fault for not meeting all of her emotional needs? What have been the consequences to her actions? I am sorry but she clearly has very little respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Untouchable_Fire]

They still work for the same company, his wife is forcing him to quit.No STD needed, was truly an EA.

She would hate if it were me, the timeline was in person, in front of her long time therapist, who knew of the affair for 2 months and confirmed all. I've been with her for 16 years, married for 9

 

Wait... You really believe they never had sex? Why do you believe this?

[Stillscared]

I'm sorry to hear your story. It saddens me.

 

Even if it was only an emotional affair (which I doubt), it was still a violation of your marriage, with the lying, deception and flaunting him in front of your face IMHO being the worst part.

 

I don't think you can begin to forgive, heal and put this behind you until you know the truth about the affair in the first place. It sounds like she's still hiding quite a bit of information.

 

I wish you luck with that and hope you will take care of yourself through this process.

[Beezer16]

Sex happened is really not the issue. I've come to terms before confronting her that it was happening. The bigger blow was finding out she loved him. It is over and was shortly before I confronted her, yes it pains me that there is a convenient factor there (job) but WS has been transparent. We are both working hard on reconciling, actually we haven't been as close as we are in years! It's ironic that what I thought I would never stand for and leave at the drop of a hat is the very thing bringing us closer. Thank you for the opinions and do appreciate the support.

[whatatangledweb]

I was haunted by the images. Heck I would get them while my husband and I were having sex and start crying. They fade over time. The first six months I saw them a lot. It has been almost three years now and I no longer see them. They fade as you heal. Talk to your wife tell her how you are feeling. You need to be able to pour it out. It will fester inside if you hide your hurt and the images will be worse. I'm sorry you are hurting.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Sex happened is really not the issue. I've come to terms before confronting her that it was happening. The bigger blow was finding out she loved him. It is over and was shortly before I confronted her, yes it pains me that there is a convenient factor there (job) but WS has been transparent. We are both working hard on reconciling, actually we haven't been as close as we are in years! It's ironic that what I thought I would never stand for and leave at the drop of a hat is the very thing bringing us closer. Thank you for the opinions and do appreciate the support.

 

Ok. I have To say I've been through this, and I'm glad you are not currently in denial. That puts you on a better step to recovery.

 

I don't see how you can or should proceed forward while she is still in love with him and just playing house with you. How do you plan to fix this?

[Beezer16]

I talk to her, a lot. I talk to her alone and I talk AT her in therapy. She knows what is going through my head all the time (again the irony, my non-communication was what lead her to stray). It feels good to let her know what I feel and why I feel it. I read a lot of blogs/stories and forward to her if there are similarities in how I feel, so she can see it, I then talk about the feelings. We are moving in the right direction, but it is still fresh.

I'm glad the images have faded for you, and am sorry you went through what you did. Thank you for sharing.

[Beezer16]

Ok. I have To say I've been through this, and I'm glad you are not currently in denial. That puts you on a better step to recovery.

 

I don't see how you can or should proceed forward while she is still in love with him and just playing house with you. How do you plan to fix this?

________________________

 

She currently HATES him, she fell in love with the idea of the person he was being (that I was not) began to hate him when I started showing affection and she started to see through his BS. When I ask her if she still loves him, her answer is "I'm in love with the type of person he pretended to be, the type you (me) are". This may not read well, but I believe her to be genuine.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I talk to her, a lot. I talk to her alone and I talk AT her in therapy. She knows what is going through my head all the time (again the irony, my non-communication was what lead her to stray). It feels good to let her know what I feel and why I feel it. I read a lot of blogs/stories and forward to her if there are similarities in how I feel, so she can see it, I then talk about the feelings. We are moving in the right direction, but it is still fresh.

I'm glad the images have faded for you, and am sorry you went through what you did. Thank you for sharing.

 

Images fade and then come back depending on the situation. For me every time she did something that reminded me of the lies and deciept it all came back like day 1.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you. How much do you blame yourself? I fell into a big self blame, shame trap that prevented any healing.

 

Part of what has to happen is for her to fully take responsibility and do whatever it takes to fix... Staring with NO Contact with the OM and allowing you full access to cell phone, email, and no unaccounted for time.

 

________________________

She currently HATES him, she fell in love with the idea of the person he was being (that I was not) began to hate him when I started showing affection and she started to see through his BS. When I ask her if she still loves him, her answer is "I'm in love with the type of person he pretended to be, the type you (me) are". This may not read well, but I believe her to be genuine.

 

There is a certain fog that comes with an affair. You can tell that she is genuine by what she does not what she says. If she proves no contact with OM then you have a good shot.

 

Does she still claim no sex was involved?

[drifter777]

I talk to her, a lot. I talk to her alone and I talk AT her in therapy. She knows what is going through my head all the time (again the irony, my non-communication was what lead her to stray). It feels good to let her know what I feel and why I feel it. I read a lot of blogs/stories and forward to her if there are similarities in how I feel, so she can see it, I then talk about the feelings. We are moving in the right direction, but it is still fresh.

I'm glad the images have faded for you, and am sorry you went through what you did. Thank you for sharing.

Images of your wife having sex with the OM do not always simply "fade". In my case they occur less often as time goes on but are just as clear, disgusting, and painful as they were many years ago. Don't count on the passage of time alone to make this all better - it won't.

 

You say the sex isn't the issue yet the only thing you asked us for was feedback about when the mental images of the sex will end. Like most of your story, this doesn't add up.

 

You are still in shock over this. You feel as if you are drowning and believing she didn't actually screw him and it only lasted a short time and it isn't still going on is a life raft that you can cling to. You are also in denial regarding how much damage her betrayal has actually done to your relationship. Maybe it's too painful to accept right now - I get that - but make sure you work on facing the truth and the emotional pain you are stuffing into the back of your mind. It won't stay there long.

 

As others have pointed out, your wife is lying to you about everything that she believes you cannot verify to be true. She has worked out the "story" with this other guy and will stick to it until certain truths begin to come to light. At that time you will get little pieces of the truth; something we call Trickle Truth. She will never tell you the full truth and you just need to accept that fact, but that doesn't mean you can't get the truth about the things that you are most concerned with. Those things that hurt you the most and you need to try to work through. Those mental images are high on the list of things you need the truth about in order to help you deal with them. However dirty and disgusting the sex she had with him actually was (is?) you imagination of what they did is much worse. The painful truth about the sex really can help.

[Spectre]

Sex happened is really not the issue. I've come to terms before confronting her that it was happening. The bigger blow was finding out she loved him. It is over and was shortly before I confronted her, yes it pains me that there is a convenient factor there (job) but WS has been transparent. We are both working hard on reconciling, actually we haven't been as close as we are in years! It's ironic that what I thought I would never stand for and leave at the drop of a hat is the very thing bringing us closer. Thank you for the opinions and do appreciate the support.

 

Dude I'm sorry, but whether or not sex happened is VERY MUCH the issue. I realize that the emotions hurt more, but here is the problem: if sex happened she is lying to you about it, which means she has zero respect for you and isn't really that committed to making you guys work.

 

I'm just plain flabbergasted here. I've seen some people try to work it out with a cheater, but you just said her continuing to lie to you is not an issue. I can't comprehend this, and I can comprehend a lot of things.

 

This woman doesn't love you and I think you need to get away from her. Especially because you have a very unhealthy attitude about this, I think you might benefit from some solo counseling, because it is one thing to try to work things out, but another to do it knowing they are lying to you still. I think you need to work out why on Earth you would consider staying with such a disrespectful person.

[Beezer16]

Images fade and then come back depending on the situation. For me every time she did something that reminded me of the lies and deciept it all came back like day 1.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you. How much do you blame yourself? I fell into a big self blame, shame trap that prevented any healing.

 

Part of what has to happen is for her to fully take responsibility and do whatever it takes to fix... Staring with NO Contact with the OM and allowing you full access to cell phone, email, and no unaccounted for time.

 

 

 

There is a certain fog that comes with an affair. You can tell that she is genuine by what she does not what she says. If she proves no contact with OM then you have a good shot.

 

Does she still claim no sex was involved?

 

 

I started to blame myself, because there were times that she approached me in the past and said we need to do something about this rut. It only took a real eye opening conversation for me to realize I need to pay attention to her emotions. The conversation was her saying she would not rule out the thought of a split if things don't improve. (This happened after her affair ended, and before I found out). I now know it is not my fault and she takes full responsibility for her own actions.

Like I said before, wether or not sex (intercourse) happened was not what hurt me ultimately, of course there was some acts of sex that took place. As she told me "it was a colossal failure", both times they tried.

[Spectre]

Dude like I said it doesn't matter if sex wouldn't hurt as much. The fact is she is claiming to you it didn't happen. If it did(and it most certainly did) she is still lying to you. She also says she hates this man now? More bull, if she was in love with him that wouldn't just change over night, sorry.

 

I'm sorry, but unless you like being a doormat you need to leave this woman. You also need to think about why you would even consider letting yourself be treated this way.

 

Let me tell you something: I have read a lot of topics here over the years. I have seen a lot of people forgive cheating when they shouldn't and it really shocks me. However, yours has been the most shocking of all just given the fact you know she is lying still and don't seem to care.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Beezer16]

I never said her continuing to lie to me was ok, and I'm certainly no doormat.

 

I am in counseling on my own and if you consider me trying to forgive this affair and attempt to strengthen my 16 yr relationship as having an "unhealthy attitude" so be it.

[beach]

Yes, she's had a full on affair with Bill.

 

I can't see what consequences your wife has had.

 

I can't see what she's changed within herself that would indicate she's not going to consider cheating again.

 

 

What are you changing? Have you filed for D? Seen a counselor? Gotten a job?

 

 

It may be useful to look at the real possibility that you may need to divorce her!

 

 

Has she been resentful that you haven't worked to provide for the family?

[Spectre]

I never said her continuing to lie to me was ok, and I'm certainly no doormat.

 

You said it wasn't really the issue though. Not only is it an issue, it is a major issue.

 

I am in counseling on my own and if you consider me trying to forgive this affair and attempt to strengthen my 16 yr relationship as having an "unhealthy attitude" so be it.

 

I do find it unhealthy, but only because of the context of what you are going through. Mainly, the fact you know she is still lying to you.

 

It is very obvious this meant a lot to you and you want to work on it, but trust me man if her heart was truly in it then she wouldn't still be lying to you.

 

It's one thing to try to forgive a cheater, but forgiving one who you know is still deceiving you is a hard pill to swallow. That is when you truly cross the line from "person really trying to make this work" and "person who is just a doormat for their spouse". Forgiving her is letting her know she can get away with it. You think this won't ever happen again? She will, especially now that she knows you won't leave her over it.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[beach]

Look, the A would still be happening if you hadn't confronted her, right?

 

So she not sorry she did it - she's only sorry she got caught! BIG difference!

[Spectre]

Also now that she knows how he found out she can go about taking measures to make sure she hides it better next time.

 

I urge you to not waste anymore time with this woman. Do not waste anymore time or money on couples counseling. If you feel you need to talk to someone, do it solo.

[Beezer16]

You said it wasn't really the issue though. Not only is it an issue, it is a major issue.

 

 

 

I do find it unhealthy, but only because of the context of what you are going through. Mainly, the fact you know she is still lying to you.

 

It is very obvious this meant a lot to you and you want to work on it, but trust me man if her heart was truly in it then she wouldn't still be lying to you.

 

It's one thing to try to forgive a cheater, but forgiving one who you know is still deceiving you is a hard pill to swallow. That is when you truly cross the line from "person really trying to make this work" and "person who is just a doormat for their spouse". Forgiving her is letting her know she can get away with it. You think this won't ever happen again? She will, especially now that she knows you won't leave her over it.

 

You misread, what was not the issue was the sex, I came to terms it was happening before I confronted her with the whole thing.

She knows I will not tolerate this if it happens again, she's actually shocked I'm still here and OM is not in a ditch.

[Spectre]

You misread, what was not the issue was the sex, I came to terms it was happening before I confronted her with the whole thing.

She knows I will not tolerate this if it happens again, she's actually shocked I'm still here and OM is not in a ditch.

 

Ok, but we still circle around to the fact that she is still lying to you about two things. First she is lying about the sex, she is also definitely lying about how she now hates this guy too. Not if she was as into him as you say.

 

She's still lying to you man, that is a clear sign she doesn't respect you and can't want to save the marriage that badly. So why would you want to stay with a person like this?

 

Serious question: do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who isn't in love with you? Her actions clearly show she can't be. She also didn't even confess to this cheating, you caught her. If she was serious about you she would of come clean all on her own.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Beezer16]

I know she is still in love with me, by the way we've been these past couple of months, it is evident to me and the people around us.

I wouldn't stay with a disrespectful person, sometimes good people make big mistakes. Believe me she is paying for this and admits she deserves all I give her.