Will the images go away??

[Spectre]

I know she is still in love with me, by the way we've been these past couple of months, it is evident to me and the people around us.

I wouldn't stay with a disrespectful person, sometimes good people make big mistakes. Believe me she is paying for this and admits she deserves all I give her.

 

I think you are kidding yourself by saying she is still in love with me. Actions speak louder then words, and her actions currently are drowned out by her past actions.

 

Also the "sometimes people make big mistakes" is the wrong attitude to have. No, cheating isn't a mistake..it's a choice. Just like it was a choice for her to not even tell you about it. It would still be going on right now if you hadn't found out, you do realize that right?

 

So again I would wonder why you want to stay with a person who could disrespect you so badly. It seems pretty obvious you are going to make the mistake of staying with her and I know nothing else I say will be able to convince you of the huge mistake you are making.

 

All I can say is I wish you luck and I hope and pray one day you realize you deserve better.

[road]

If your WW is still working where the OM is this affair is not over. Your WW must leave this job today.

 

 

WW's lie. Your WW is lying that the OM never got it up. WW is doing damage control.

 

 

This is why you must get her to take a polygraph.

 

 

As to when this affair started. It is very possible that they were cheating back when she first worked there. Then upon working there again.

 

 

Another reason for a poly and a DNA test.

[Spectre]

One of the biggest red flags for me is the fact that this would still be going on had he not found out.

[road]

They still work for the same company, his wife is forcing him to quit.No STD needed, was truly an EA.

She would hate if it were me, the timeline was in person, in front of her long time therapist, who knew of the affair for 2 months and confirmed all. I've been with her for 16 years, married for 9

 

 

 

It was a EA because a proven liar is telling you this.

 

 

Polygraph time. After all your WW will not complain because the poly will prove she is not lying anymore.

[Confused48]

Beezer - I can totally understand you wanting to try to reconcile. I also think your WW is in damage control mode. She want to recon too. She is afraid if she tells you the whole truth that you will change your mind. You should both read the post pinned to the top of this section entitled, "What Every Wayward Needs To Know." You need to read it too.

[Beezer16]

Beezer - I can totally understand you wanting to try to reconcile. I also think your WW is in damage control mode. She want to recon too. She is afraid if she tells you the whole truth that you will change your mind. You should both read the post pinned to the top of this section entitled, "What Every Wayward Needs To Know." You need to read it too.

 

Yes,

Read this yesterday & sent her a copy to read.

I told her that it contained a lot of what I'm feeling and we had a good long talk about it last night. Thanks for the suggestion, I believe this will help us both.

[Confused48]

To the point of your thread though. The images are there b/c you are still in danger. Once you are no longer in danger there are ways to make them short and infrequent. But that only works once you are not in danger. You will be for a long while yet.

[beach]

She continued her affair after the other MM's wife found out.

 

Then the MM's wife told you.

 

Then you ignored the info in front of you.

 

Then your WW went missing for a few hours.

 

That set you in motion...

 

 

She hasn't quit her job. She was willing to continue the A while HIS W knew.

 

 

So one would assume she is WILLING to continue her A while you know as well.

 

 

Don't assume her A isn't alive and well - she's probably just hiding it from you better.

[Confused48]

Yes,

Read this yesterday & sent her a copy to read.

I told her that it contained a lot of what I'm feeling and we had a good long talk about it last night. Thanks for the suggestion, I believe this will help us both.

 

That is a good sign. But make sure to see if she does follow through. My WS read it and said the right things but then didn't follow through very well. At first. After I did a 180 (look it up) then WS had a dramatic change in the level of follow through.

 

If you read posts by other repentant WW (coolit, lilmisscantbewrong, compulsivedancer) you will see that even if she despises her OM now, she still is feeling the loss of the relationship. She may be over selling the negative feelings for the OM to again, spare you and save herself from losing you. If she is, her follow through on what she should do is going to be weak.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I started to blame myself, because there were times that she approached me in the past and said we need to do something about this rut. It only took a real eye opening conversation for me to realize I need to pay attention to her emotions. The conversation was her saying she would not rule out the thought of a split if things don't improve. (This happened after her affair ended, and before I found out). I now know it is not my fault and she takes full responsibility for her own actions.

Like I said before, wether or not sex (intercourse) happened was not what hurt me ultimately, of course there was some acts of sex that took place. As she told me "it was a colossal failure", both times they tried.

 

Its natural to blame yourself at first.

 

I suppose what really bothered me in your original post was that you said she gave you a hard time or ridiculed you for struggling to get a new job. I went through that too, and I feel that disrespect had a big role in why the affair took place. A wife that respects you doesn't cheat.

 

Calling it a colossal failure seems like spin, but I suppose it doesn't matter if it was crap or the best sex of her life. Either way she came back to you, so I can see how it doesn't hurt you.

 

Are you getting what you need from her to heal? What do you think will be required to put this behind you?

 

Also... Is she in No Contact with the OM and do you have unrestricted access to her cell phone and email?

[Beezer16]

Its natural to blame yourself at first.

 

I suppose what really bothered me in your original post was that you said she gave you a hard time or ridiculed you for struggling to get a new job. I went through that too, and I feel that disrespect had a big role in why the affair took place. A wife that respects you doesn't cheat.

 

Calling it a colossal failure seems like spin, but I suppose it doesn't matter if it was crap or the best sex of her life. Either way she came back to you, so I can see how it doesn't hurt you.

 

Are you getting what you need from her to heal? What do you think will be required to put this behind you?

 

Also... Is she in No Contact with the OM and do you have unrestricted access to her cell phone and email?

 

I saw it as ridicule, but I did basically spend 1/2 my severance on Golf, thinking I would land a job quick, that didn't happen.

I am getting what I need to heal, answers to any question I have, I have access to all communication of hers, I randomly check (every day then every few days).

[beach]

Did she quit the job?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I saw it as ridicule, but I did basically spend 1/2 my severance on Golf, thinking I would land a job quick, that didn't happen.

I am getting what I need to heal, answers to any question I have, I have access to all communication of hers, I randomly check (every day then every few days).

 

Do you think it played any role in her having an affair?

 

Er... Does she still work with him?

[Beezer16]

Do you think it played any role in her having an affair?

 

Er... Does she still work with him?

 

 

A lot of things lead to the affair, that wasn't the factor, the factor was I wasn't giving the support she wanted/needed, she found it elsewhere. I was just as unhappy just didn't go astray.

And unfortunately we all work for the same company, different locations, but there is opportunity to run into each other. She is looking to transfer, his wife is forcing him to leave, I'm looking for a better paying job so she can go elsewhere.

[beach]

A lot of things lead to the affair, that wasn't the factor, the factor was I wasn't giving the support she wanted/needed, she found it elsewhere. I was just as unhappy just didn't go astray.

And unfortunately we all work for the same company, different locations, but there is opportunity to run into each other. She is looking to transfer, his wife is forcing him to leave, I'm looking for a better paying job so she can go elsewhere.

 

SHE chose to cheat.

 

Let's make it clear - it wasn't YOUR fault she decided to cheat.

[Untouchable_Fire]

A lot of things lead to the affair, that wasn't the factor, the factor was I wasn't giving the support she wanted/needed, she found it elsewhere. I was just as unhappy just didn't go astray.

And unfortunately we all work for the same company, different locations, but there is opportunity to run into each other. She is looking to transfer, his wife is forcing him to leave, I'm looking for a better paying job so she can go elsewhere.

 

Honestly, if you can hold her to no contact... Then you have a good chance of surviving this together.

 

Remember this phrase - "trust but verify". Make that your new motto.

[Beezer16]

Honestly, if you can hold her to no contact... Then you have a good chance of surviving this together.

 

Remember this phrase - "trust but verify". Make that your new motto.

 

My "head is on a swivel" I'm cognizant of all going on and love the motto!

[Oldspiceywolf]

You don't seem like a guy who doesn't do what he doesn't want to do and if you want to reconcile I bet you are pretty confident in the success. Don't worry about the images they fade but if they don't maybe you can twist them into something hot. Either way best of luck I think you can truly make this work(not usually my belief for most BS's).

[sidney2718]

My "head is on a swivel" I'm cognizant of all going on and love the motto!

 

Don't let it swivel too much. This is an excellent place to get help and advice. But as you must recognize we all come from different places with different experiences. Some of us have had it pretty bad and are fairly jaundiced.

 

My impression is that you and your wife are doing well. It would help if she was not working at the same place as the OM. Beyond that I think that you have made clear to her where the boundaries are. And I admire your ability to forgive.

 

Keep up the good work and please report back as to how things are going.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

How the

natural progression turned into a couple of Hotel visits, that never

were consummated, because he couldn't "rise to the occasion" (here he is

with the most beautiful woman I know and he couldn't get hard, this I

take a tiny bit of pleasure in). I also thought this was going to be

the most hurtful thing I heard, It was not. The fact that my wife

actually was, and still is, in love with this other guy is pure

devastation. I was not ready to feel that emotion, I am still feeling

this emotion, I am still visualizing Bill touching my wife, there are

still acts that were probably done to be sure he could not perform, if not the first time, then most likely the second, I cannot get this

replay out of my head.

 

 

They still work for the same company, his wife is forcing him to quit.No STD needed, was truly an EA.

She would hate if it were me, the timeline was in person, in front of her long time therapist, who knew of the affair for 2 months and confirmed all. I've been with her for 16 years, married for 9

 

 

During therapy, Katie agreed to answer every question openly and honestly, I do believe she did.

 

 

Sex happened is really not the issue. I've come to terms before confronting her that it was happening. The bigger blow was finding out she loved him.

 

 

She currently HATES him, she fell in love with the idea of the person he was being (that I was not) began to hate him when I started showing affection and she started to see through his BS. When I ask her if she still loves him, her answer is "I'm in love with the type of person he pretended to be, the type you (me) are". This may not read well, but I believe her to be genuine.

 

 

 

Beezer, some of the stuff you posted is contradictory. You are not expressing yourself well, that's why other posters think your wife still is lying. Like no STD test was needed, but you acknowledge they probably did physical stuff to make sure he could not perform (the stuff I'm thinking about could still give her an STD).

 

 

You post that your wife was, and still is, in love with him, then that she HATES him, but does not actually say that she hates him, just that she is "in love with the type of person he pretended to be."

 

 

What was your wife in therapy for?

[Beezer16]

Don't let it swivel too much. This is an excellent place to get help and advice. But as you must recognize we all come from different places with different experiences. Some of us have had it pretty bad and are fairly jaundiced.

 

My impression is that you and your wife are doing well. It would help if she was not working at the same place as the OM. Beyond that I think that you have made clear to her where the boundaries are. And I admire your ability to forgive.

 

Keep up the good work and please report back as to how things are going.

 

Thank you,

Actually just got in from MC and a quick bite afterwards. I got straight answers, filling the void, on the way to & during MC. But our conversation, what was said and how it was said by her, after, that made me feel like I truly forgive. I know this is still fresh and my thought of the A is 24/7, but I believe I passed the anger stage.

And I agree about the job (we are working on this).

[Ap22]

Beezer - I can totally understand you wanting to try to reconcile. I also think your WW is in damage control mode. She want to recon too. She is afraid if she tells you the whole truth that you will change your mind. You should both read the post pinned to the top of this section entitled, "What Every Wayward Needs To Know." You need to read it too.

 

I read that and loved it. I printed out a copy for my wife to read and she says she reads it over and over when she gets worried about me leaving.

 

Those damn thoughts though will never go away. They come at the weirdest times and if I allow myself to dwell on them, I get overcome with anger. Anything triggers them. Anything. Needless to say I cant even watch a man and woman kiss on tv without picturing them too. Sex scenes in movies/tv? Forget about it. I have to turn the channel. Yesterday someone on facebook posted a picture of a model in lingerie and that triggered it. I started picturing my wife wearing that for him.

 

Its hell. Its the hardest part about getting over the affair.

[Beezer16]

I read that and loved it. I printed out a copy for my wife to read and she says she reads it over and over when she gets worried about me leaving.

 

Those damn thoughts though will never go away. They come at the weirdest times and if I allow myself to dwell on them, I get overcome with anger. Anything triggers them. Anything. Needless to say I cant even watch a man and woman kiss on tv without picturing them too. Sex scenes in movies/tv? Forget about it. I have to turn the channel. Yesterday someone on facebook posted a picture of a model in lingerie and that triggered it. I started picturing my wife wearing that for him.

 

Its hell. Its the hardest part about getting over the affair.

 

AGREED!

It's so prevalent on TV (affairs), I never noticed before.

- since this post, I've gotten many more answers to follow up questions regarding the A, she has been completely transperant and genuinely answers anything I ask, either one on one, or in MC. I'm on the road to forgiveness, but will never forget.

-I hope you get through this, and the triggers subside.

[beach]

We are working on the job...

 

That's the problem - IT IS UP TO HER to change her job!

 

 

Stop thinking you are part of the work only she can change!

 

And IF she isn't changing the things that COULD be HELPING your M to heal - then she simply isn't CHANGING enough!

[Ap22]

Ha! I was just reading a interview about The Walking Dead. I finished reading and at the bottom of the page was another story about some other show. The thumbnail for the link showed the upper body of a woman in bed with a man behind her, his face near hers.

 

The instant I saw it I pictured them two together. Funny thing is I stared at it for a while because the anger and rage that was building inside me almost felt good in a weird way. Its like I want to hate my wife, I want to rage at her. I had to stop though because I started getting way to mad for my own good