Want to Separate: Am I the Bad Guy?

[lostdalmatian]

I've been asking my husband if we could separate for quite a while and he finally left yesterday (not on good terms, after yet another bad argument). I felt so relieved when I heard the door close.

 

I have been wanting to separate because, yes, I am "unhappy." But it seems that on this forum, most of the posts I read are from those whose spouse left them or separated from them. They speak as if they are victims of them leaving and their spouses are separating merely to do bad things outside of the marriage. At least that seems to be the consensus from what I've been reading while lurking.

 

But I don't know where my situation stands and how I fit in here. It basically boils down to this: DH has been emotionally abusive, because of his own demons he has not been able to face, and he was very depressed for a long time and I was certainly experiencing "depression fallout." Went to IC and then baby was born. Over time, he has pulled away and withdraw emotionally, and so have I in response. Marriage has waned to the point of no intimacy, rare sex that is almost always awkward, and DH has a porn addiction now that he has supposedly been working on. We would speak only on the surface, light jokes here and there, In the midst of all this--and I am making a long story really really short--he has broken my trust many times, made promises about making up for this and broke them, and just hasn't been able to bring himself to meet my needs (such as being romantic, taking me out, making up for wrongdoing (I don't know, flowers maybe?), stopping the stonewalling, etc.). He can never quite explain why. Only that he will try in the future.

 

As a result, I have grown extremely resentful. To the point that I am annoyed all the time by everything he does, I can't stand his jokes as if everything is okay, I I've communicated this all to him in one way or another many times, but it always ends up me waiting to see if things will change. At this point, I think resentment is severely impacting my health. I have been sick a lot, stressed out, suffering all types of symptoms. I don't feel he loves me, I feel I'm being used. I finally got fed up to the point that I just wanted him gone. And it feels good now that he has left. Like a stone has lifted from my chest. I don't have to wallow with ridiculous expectations. I don't have to think about whether he loves me, or what his behaviors mean. I've decided I will do for myself all of the things I've wanted him to do for me: I'm going to take myself out, and just pamper and spoil the heck out of myself (I have a long list of things I plan to do). I also want to work on getting rid of my resentment--otherwise I think its literally killing me. I want to take this time to heal myself. I am all messed up inside and need some TLC I will never get from him.

 

Am I wrong for wanting this space? Will it lead to much worse (divorce)? His inaction only burdens me and forces me to constantly live waiting and wanting something that isn't coming. I know this when he says "I will try." But I don't know if its enough of a reason to leave. In all honesty though, if I had the money to be a single mother and pay rent on my own, I think it would have been over. But its impossible for me to live with him without having expectations of him, and those are killing me.

[littlejaz]

You are not alone. My story is very much like yours except I have no kids. I admit that I had a hard time getting out until he started spending all his time on marital affair websites. I don't know if he actually hooked up with someone or not, but I don't care - he cheated as far as I am concerned and that was the final straw. But even before that I was on the verge, I just was tired of living like that and knew that I deserved better. I also understand the resentment and it got so bad that I was being awful to him and couldn't help myself. So I was kind of relieved when he started begging strangers for sex on the internet because it gave me the out I needed.

 

No I don't think you are wrong wanting space, but I do think it will lead to a divorce if he is not willing to work on things. My STBXH has a lot of demons in his head that he refuses to deal with also. He has been in therapy for years now but he doesn't want to let go of anything. His way of life is to dwell on the past and expect people to feel sorry for him - in his eyes it gives him a pass on taking responsibility for his actions. He even told me that he believes he has the right to treat his co-workers like s**t because he grew up without a father and his back hurts. And they have no right to get mad at him for it or hold it against him. If he believes that about his co-workers, what does he think I should be willing to put up with?

 

You either have to decide you are going to live with it or plan on getting a divorce, because there is little chance that he is going to change.

[alonefornow]

Why do you feel like you might be the "bad guy", and to be frank why would that matter? It's your marriage and whether others think so or not you seem justified in wanting the separation. Why does it matter what society's view may be?

 

For what it's worth from my point of view if your spouse is emotionally abusive you should get divorced and get as much distance as possible. Make sure your kid is taken care of, document everything, and get out. I know that leaving abusive relationships is really hard so here is a list of resources:

 

hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

support: Joyful Heart Foundation

 

Good luck.

[M30USA]

Getting back to the heart of the issue, I am still waiting to hear specific reasons why your husband is emotionally abusuve. So far his porn issue is the only real one given. His alleged emotional unavailability could potentially be equally instigated by you. Generally men pull away emotionally when they feel disrespected, unneeded, or unloved in a marriage.

Edited November 24, 2013 by M30USA

[Yasuandio]

Why do you feel like you might be the "bad guy", and to be frank why would that matter? It's your marriage and whether others think so or not you seem justified in wanting the separation. Why does it matter what society's view may be?

 

For what it's worth from my point of view if your spouse is emotionally abusive you should get divorced and get as much distance as possible. Make sure your kid is taken care of, document everything, and get out. I know that leaving abusive relationships is really hard so here is a list of resources:

 

hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

support: Joyful Heart Foundation

 

Good luck.

 

This is excellent information you have provided. Would you be so kind as to make a posting in the PINNED thread at the top of our section entitled "Critical Readings on Separation and Divorce?". There should be a link at my signature line.

 

1. A title heading

2. 250 word or less intro

3. Citations and/or Links

4. Pertinent quotes if you wish

 

We don't have anything on this critical topic yet in the thread. I could not PM you cause you don't have enough numbers. Please excuse the threadjack - it was for a good cause. Yas

[alonefornow]

This is excellent information you have provided. Would you be so kind as to make a posting in the PINNED thread at the top of our section entitled "Critical Readings on Separation and Divorce?". There should be a link at my signature line.

 

1. A title heading

2. 250 word or less intro

3. Citations and/or Links

4. Pertinent quotes if you wish

 

We don't have anything on this critical topic yet in the thread. I could not PM you cause you don't have enough numbers. Please excuse the threadjack - it was for a good cause. Yas

 

I would gladly, but I don't seem to have the option to post there. Am I missing something or is it similar to PM's where I need to post more?

[Yasuandio]

I would gladly, but I don't seem to have the option to post there. Am I missing something or is it similar to PM's where I need to post more?

 

Just go to the end of page 2, and push "Post Reply." Just like a normal thread. Maybe use the thread link from the Separation and Divorce page, it is the TOP thread - it's pinned.

[zoobadger]

You obviously need to get divorced.

[layziejoe775]

People have a way of dealing with their own issues. It can take months to years but as long they are trying, you can't really blame them for that.

It seems like you wanted this for a while and he was just emotional abusing you and making you feel trapped. If you really want to do this then it's up to you, but do it for yourself of course. He can figure it out on his own and as long you take care of your kid and your health, that's all it matters now. Good luck and please take care of yourself, you are not alone.

[lostdalmatian]

Why do you feel like you might be the "bad guy", and to be frank why would that matter? It's your marriage and whether others think so or not you seem justified in wanting the separation. Why does it matter what society's view may be?

 

For what it's worth from my point of view if your spouse is emotionally abusive you should get divorced and get as much distance as possible. Make sure your kid is taken care of, document everything, and get out. I know that leaving abusive relationships is really hard so here is a list of resources:

 

hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

support: Joyful Heart Foundation

 

Good luck.

 

My question isn't much different than anyone else here who are interested in what "society" thinks about them, what they do/have done, etc. by posting questions on an online forum. I'm not sure why it shouldn't matter to me.

 

Divorcing is easier said than done for multiple reasons. And btw, I own Lundy Bancroft's book and have read it from cover to cover. I've just recently revisited it and its one of the reasons I wanted to separate. (In his last chapters he basically explains that abusive men don't change without leaving, and that's only a small percentage of them. I know I made a mistake by not leaving in the past, multiple times, and I think that is why this is happening to me. At the very least, I want to heal myself.)

[lostdalmatian]

Getting back to the heart of the issue, I am still waiting to hear specific reasons why your husband is emotionally abusuve. So far his porn issue is the only real one given. His alleged emotional unavailability could potentially be equally instigated by you. Generally men pull away emotionally when they feel disrespected, unneeded, or unloved in a marriage.

 

Well, its a long story which is why I was avoiding the messy details. DH have been together 10 years. Beautiful at first, then physical abuse came into the picture. He was closed when arguing, gave silent treatment, stonewalling, etc. and the more I pushed he started to hit me. Once, then twice. The fourth time was 5 years in, he blacked my eye, and this time I had him arrested. Police pressed charges, but I invoked "marital privilege" in court to have them dropped under the condition he attended a batterer's intervention program. This was not court-ordered, but he attended and completed the program because I would leave otherwise (but it was the cheapest one we could afford and I'm not sure it was a good one). After this, there have been no physical abuse, but I believe his abuse has simply morphed into emotional abuse. Like he learned other things to do. During this time I also went to IC for the abuse, something they have all the women go through in this program in my state. I was happy he was being more respectful for a short time but then he has grown cold and distant, but I believe in a calculating way.

 

So to boil it down as much as I can: He began the ignoring/stonewalling again, but only different this time. In Bancroft's book, he is the "water torturer" for sure. I became pregnant about a year later and during pregnancy he treated me like crap. He refused to touch me, I guess found me disgusting, and yes, I got emotional and needy and cried a lot when he ignored me. I asked for things that he wasn't willing to do (like foot massages, or even holding me) and sometimes I expected things from him, but I guess I was wrong for thinking he should be a mind-reader. He pretty much ignored me in the third trimester or left me alone in the house. I ended up in the deepest, darkest parts of my soul depressed and I still haven't forgiven him for it. Mostly because he never asked for forgiveness or even bought a freakin' flower...

 

He also stole money from our bank account multiple times and lost it all through gambling. He's chronically unemployed, for longer than I think he has to be each time (unemployed now). And then the porn addiction. He is always unhappy with his life and mopes around like he is the victim of everyone (his father, his ex-boss, etc.). But his response to everything big or small is "Sure, no problem" or "don't worry" or "I promise" and he does nothing. No follow through. Instead he is very passive aggressive and mysteriously "forgets" things or pretends we never had entire conversations. And when I show any anger, irritation, disappointment, or make any request of him, he becomes very cold. He doesn't look me in the eye and always finds other things to do while I talk to him. No matter if I'm yelling or whispering, smiling or crying, if I bring up his inaction, his broken promises, etc. he ignores me or calls me crazy because he doesn't know what I'm talking about, or he will chuckle while I am talking or say "I'm sorry what were you saying." I once poured my heart out to him on the phone crying for AT LEAST 3 MINUTES and he claims he didn't hear it because he dropped the phone and he didn't realize it was still on (for 3 minutes!).

 

He withholds sex unless I ask him for it, but he will NEVER ask me, so we will go two months without sex and he'll say he's fine with it, but he'll do it if I need him to. This is his MO: he likes to express to me and act like he doesn't need me at all for anything, not sex, not food, not conversation, but that if I need him he will "try" to do things for me (but only if I request it, wait patiently for an indeterminate time, and he decides its easy enough for him and I deserve it). I feel I've been duped for years, thinking he was better when he is not. Romance, deep conversations, "surface" things I guess that others find superficial but that I always wanted are out of the question. As a result, I hate myself, my self-esteem is just gone. And I know this may stem from my own childhood, but I secretly feel I am with him and being treated this way by him because I am worthless enough to be treated like I'm worthless. He does say he loves me, but I feel like a mental patient, there is so much cognitive dissonance between his actions and his words. I haven't felt loved by him in years. I've tried, I really have, and I don't see how I've instigated this other than pulling away myself, but this didn't come until much later. I feel like he gets off on me needing him, and feels powerful ignoring me, rejecting me or stringing me along.

 

He resisted separation because he wants me to accept the marriage as is and tells me if its over between us its my choice. That's what made it so hard to do. He refused to leave usually and told me to go instead, but I couldn't leave with a baby and had no where to go. So I just put up with him, hoping that giving him time and helping him out of his depression would help him change. But he finally left, and now he is saying that this is good for us, and he enjoys the space. Unfortunately, we can't afford him to live separately so we started doing in-house separation 4 days later. Before he left he said we should at least finish the MC to see where it goes while separated. After he came back home, I let him know that I was willing to do that. And his response: "Oh, well now I'm in a different mindset." Its like he said this to hurt me. And now he's acting like he is the one that's not sure he wants to be here. He has moved his stuff to the basement (at my request) but now he is saying this is good for us and seems to be enjoying himself while I am struggling with trying to keep myself busy and "pamper" myself alone. I feel silly and I can't help but think its the mind games again. He is also giving me zero help with the baby now, and staying in the basement on his TV. But honestly, I also feel somewhat numb, which I think is the only reason I am getting through this without crying anymore. I either want him to love me or to be free of him. I don't know what else to do.

[SerCay]

I dont know why, but 1 thing came to my mind...(I'm absolutely no professional, it just came to my mind when reading your story)

 

The List of Psychopathy Symptoms: Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare | Psychopathyawareness's Blog

[alonefornow]

Well, its a long story which is why I was avoiding the messy details. DH have been together 10 years. Beautiful at first, then physical abuse came into the picture. He was closed when arguing, gave silent treatment, stonewalling, etc. and the more I pushed he started to hit me. Once, then twice. The fourth time was 5 years in, he blacked my eye, and this time I had him arrested. Police pressed charges, but I invoked "marital privilege" in court to have them dropped under the condition he attended a batterer's intervention program. This was not court-ordered, but he attended and completed the program because I would leave otherwise (but it was the cheapest one we could afford and I'm not sure it was a good one). After this, there have been no physical abuse, but I believe his abuse has simply morphed into emotional abuse. Like he learned other things to do. During this time I also went to IC for the abuse, something they have all the women go through in this program in my state. I was happy he was being more respectful for a short time but then he has grown cold and distant, but I believe in a calculating way.

 

So to boil it down as much as I can: He began the ignoring/stonewalling again, but only different this time. In Bancroft's book, he is the "water torturer" for sure. I became pregnant about a year later and during pregnancy he treated me like crap. He refused to touch me, I guess found me disgusting, and yes, I got emotional and needy and cried a lot when he ignored me. I asked for things that he wasn't willing to do (like foot massages, or even holding me) and sometimes I expected things from him, but I guess I was wrong for thinking he should be a mind-reader. He pretty much ignored me in the third trimester or left me alone in the house. I ended up in the deepest, darkest parts of my soul depressed and I still haven't forgiven him for it. Mostly because he never asked for forgiveness or even bought a freakin' flower...

 

He also stole money from our bank account multiple times and lost it all through gambling. He's chronically unemployed, for longer than I think he has to be each time (unemployed now). And then the porn addiction. He is always unhappy with his life and mopes around like he is the victim of everyone (his father, his ex-boss, etc.). But his response to everything big or small is "Sure, no problem" or "don't worry" or "I promise" and he does nothing. No follow through. Instead he is very passive aggressive and mysteriously "forgets" things or pretends we never had entire conversations. And when I show any anger, irritation, disappointment, or make any request of him, he becomes very cold. He doesn't look me in the eye and always finds other things to do while I talk to him. No matter if I'm yelling or whispering, smiling or crying, if I bring up his inaction, his broken promises, etc. he ignores me or calls me crazy because he doesn't know what I'm talking about, or he will chuckle while I am talking or say "I'm sorry what were you saying." I once poured my heart out to him on the phone crying for AT LEAST 3 MINUTES and he claims he didn't hear it because he dropped the phone and he didn't realize it was still on (for 3 minutes!).

 

He withholds sex unless I ask him for it, but he will NEVER ask me, so we will go two months without sex and he'll say he's fine with it, but he'll do it if I need him to. This is his MO: he likes to express to me and act like he doesn't need me at all for anything, not sex, not food, not conversation, but that if I need him he will "try" to do things for me (but only if I request it, wait patiently for an indeterminate time, and he decides its easy enough for him and I deserve it). I feel I've been duped for years, thinking he was better when he is not. Romance, deep conversations, "surface" things I guess that others find superficial but that I always wanted are out of the question. As a result, I hate myself, my self-esteem is just gone. And I know this may stem from my own childhood, but I secretly feel I am with him and being treated this way by him because I am worthless enough to be treated like I'm worthless. He does say he loves me, but I feel like a mental patient, there is so much cognitive dissonance between his actions and his words. I haven't felt loved by him in years. I've tried, I really have, and I don't see how I've instigated this other than pulling away myself, but this didn't come until much later. I feel like he gets off on me needing him, and feels powerful ignoring me, rejecting me or stringing me along.

 

He resisted separation because he wants me to accept the marriage as is and tells me if its over between us its my choice. That's what made it so hard to do. He refused to leave usually and told me to go instead, but I couldn't leave with a baby and had no where to go. So I just put up with him, hoping that giving him time and helping him out of his depression would help him change. But he finally left, and now he is saying that this is good for us, and he enjoys the space. Unfortunately, we can't afford him to live separately so we started doing in-house separation 4 days later. Before he left he said we should at least finish the MC to see where it goes while separated. After he came back home, I let him know that I was willing to do that. And his response: "Oh, well now I'm in a different mindset." Its like he said this to hurt me. And now he's acting like he is the one that's not sure he wants to be here. He has moved his stuff to the basement (at my request) but now he is saying this is good for us and seems to be enjoying himself while I am struggling with trying to keep myself busy and "pamper" myself alone. I feel silly and I can't help but think its the mind games again. He is also giving me zero help with the baby now, and staying in the basement on his TV. But honestly, I also feel somewhat numb, which I think is the only reason I am getting through this without crying anymore. I either want him to love me or to be free of him. I don't know what else to do.

 

Well since you wanted to know what other people would do in this situation, here's what I would do.

 

1) Make a plan to leave this person.

2) Execute plan

 

You have a child now and that child needs you to be at your best and you are not when you need to cater to such an astonishing person. So he has no job and often doesn't, gives you no help with your child, has hit you in the past and is emotionally abusive to you currently. There is not one single redeeming quality in this man that you have written in any post. In fact everything you've written is by itself a deal-breaker for many people. Combined it's like the Voltron of deal-breakers.

 

There is not one reason that you've written for why you're still with this person. Are there any?

[imtooconfused]

I either want him to love me or to be free of him. I don't know what else to do.

 

lostdalmatian, I will be intentionally blunt... Someone like this is not capable of loving you. And you're certainly not a 'bad guy' for wanting to be loved (and for that matter for wanting not to be abused). Therefore your only option is separation leading to divorce.

[trippi1432]

One site that was left out: Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

It was pinned...does it correlate?

[alonefornow]

One site that was left out: Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

It was pinned...does it correlate?

 

Absolutely. I figured I'd add it to the pinned one, but not here because lost already stated she was emotionally abused.

 

I should also say there are also state resources and city resources in many larger cities. If anyone wants/needs help finding any resources, feel free to PM me.