Elderly father

[blind_otter]

I was just ranting on another thread and realized I needed to talk about this. I barely have time for all the OTHER stuff with my therapist, now.

 

My father was 50 when I was born. He's 75, now. My Mom is only 53. I don't get along with my mother at all. She was physically abusive when I was growing up. She did apologize recently. I am still working out the kinks in our relationship.

 

Anyways, I am frustrated dealing with my Dad. I love him to death. I love him more than anyone in the world. We used to have hours-long conversations about politics and philosophy and religion. He has been on every continent on this planet, except the arctic, and has lived in so many different cultures. He even went back to college when he was 53 and finally got his degree, just for ****s and giggles. He worked in meat packing plants, hitchhiked across this country after Korea, and he's even published a book (it was an instruction manual, but whatever, I still have a copy!!!)

 

I am so proud of my father. He is a great man, they don't make them like him any more. But in the last 3-4 years, his mind has been going. He forgot that I was pregnant when I had to go to the ER for my miscarriage. I called and he was like, WHAT? You're PREGNANT? --- He was so confused.

 

It sucks. He was my rock. For my whole life, if anything - ANYTHING was wrong, I ran to him. He would fix everything. He always knew what to do. He always knew exactly what to say. He never, in my life, ever, yelled at me or raised his hand to me. He helped me kick drugs cold turkey. He has helped me my whole life, if not with money - with advice, wisdom, serenity, inner strength.

 

I talked to him yesterday. We used to talk for hours. Now, our conversations are stilted and one sided. I can tell he is compensating, poorly, for the fact that his mind is mush. He barely remembers important details. Sometimes he doesn't recognize his grandchildren. He moves in a halting manner, like he is looking around for approval in our eyes to make sure he isn't making mistakes. It breaks my heart. He is becoming like a child. And I am left without the one person who was always, always there for me no matter what.

 

He used to like to sit and listen to me play the piano for him for hours, as well. He doesn't have the patience, or doesn't recognize the old songs I play and sing for him anymore.

 

I went to a support group once, for senile parents. I didn't relate to anyone. All the people there were in their late 40s and 50s - and I'm only 25. I still need my Dad in ways that those people haven't for a long time. I need him to finish teaching me!!

 

It's selfish. I know. I miss my Dad, though. It's hard to watch this happen so slowly.

[Stone]

I'm sorry honey, My father is slowly getting ill as well he isn't as old as yours but he is very sick and it hurts very bad to see your parents grow old and become less independant. The one thing I noticed that you said was that "he was your rock", maby now it's time for you to be his rock dear.

[tiki]

Your story is very touching. Embrace all that you have, while you have it. Always continue to remember the important things. He made you into what you are today. You will always carry his legacy, what an awesome gift. He sounds like a spectacular man. Enjoy every minute of his presence.

[lexnmike4enomore]

I know how you feel sweetheart. My father died of cancer last year and slowly, i watched him slip away from me. He was my best friend. We did everything together. He even lit up my first joint for me! But when he was gone it was like i have nothing left. Like you blind, my relationship with my mother isn't all that great either, mostly because she hated my dad and he was the most important thing in my life. All you have to know is that you did have the most wonderful relationship with him and that nothing is regrettable. If there's something you need to know and talk about, do it now. Or else you will regret that. Do everything you can do now. Dont let anything go unsaid and questions unanswered. I regret not saying i love him more that i already did. Say it everyday. Then i would start fixing things with your mother. Remember she's the last one left after your father. I realize that now and like you, we are working on the loose ends. The worst part, tho, is watching him get worse and you cant do a damn thing about it.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your dad. I know how it is. My mother and I are very close -- she was always my safe-place and now she lives with me and I help her bathe and eat and watch her frustration when she can't finish a sentence or become afraid and embarrassed over her failing body and mind.

 

Something you said did strike a chord with me -- you said about people in their 40's and 50's in the support group "I still need my Dad in ways that those people haven't for a long time. I need him to finish teaching me!!"

 

My mother still teaches me - what I learn are difficult lessons about aging parents, but I still need her in my life just as I did when I was in my teens and 20's. There may be someone at a support group that you can share with and who will feel the same as you, maybe someone can bring one of their children to a meeting -- one that is closer in age to you and you can relate better.

 

It is very hard to see a once strong person become frail and weak. But if we are lucky enough to love and be loved by our parents then its something many of us must go through. Be strong, hug your dad often, tell him you love him, and tell him that you know he loves you. Talk about happy times, discuss your life now -- even if he doesn't remember and you get tired of saying the same things over and over again - it will be new to him.

 

Sometimes I just sit on the couch in my mom's room and watch her sleep. She doesn't know I'm there. I don't know what is more difficult - missing your parents when they are in front of you but withered and frail; or missing your parents after they have passed on and you will never have any interaction with them again, but you no longer see them in pain and mentally failing.

 

Stay strong and just love him. He's teaching you lessons now that he never intended to teach you at all. Just like my mom is for me.

[Elmo]

Hey B.O....

 

Glad to see you posting. I've thought about you.

 

Sorry about WHY you are posting, though. I don't have anything of real value to tell you. I think the other posters gave good advice.

 

Here is my input: I saw a commercial on TV the other day. I can't even remember the name of the disorder, dang it. However, it showed an old man that couldn't even function...then it showed him actually coming on screen and helping himself. All the while he described a common ailment of old folk that not many know about. It has three letters, I think.

 

Anyway....maybe someone else saw the commercial and can add to this.

 

I know it's a one in a million shot. But I think you deserve a miracle about now.

 

Elmo

[RowanRavyn]

Oh sweetie,

 

I do so relate. I was a Daddy's girl. We debated, ranted, raved, sat in the porch swing for hours talking or just sitting. We watched storms together, it was my daddy that took me to my doctors appointments when I was pregnant with my kids, he baby sat for me, just so I could nap during the day.

 

My daddy was my rock. When I lost him, it was like my whole life fell away. My husband became more abusive, my mother lost her mind, and my siblings became selfish.

 

I miss him so much. I lost him over night to a heart attack. I think as hard as that was, it was easier than watching him slip away.

[blind_otter]

It's difficult - sorry if it came off as me being dismissive of people who are older than me dealing with this. I'm just frustrated, I guess. We had lunch yesterday together, just me and my Dad. It was upsetting, we just sat there in silence. He was eating busily. It was like I was sitting next to a stranger.

 

It's like the grieving process is stretched out.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by blind_otter

It's difficult - sorry if it came off as me being dismissive of people who are older than me dealing with this. I'm just frustrated, I guess. We had lunch yesterday together, just me and my Dad. It was upsetting, we just sat there in silence. He was eating busily. It was like I was sitting next to a stranger.

 

It's like the grieving process is stretched out.

 

 

No, no hun. You are allowed to grieve! And thats what it is. An extended grieving process.

 

Be warned you might actually feel relieved when things are done. There is nothing wrong with that either.

[blind_otter]

Thanks, Rowan. You touched on the biggest part of my problem - the guilt. Ah, the joys of being raised Catholic. I already catch myself, sometimes, wondering what life will be like after he dies. I even talk about it with my Mom. She seems slightly lost. Her whole life revolves around him, and I am pretty sure her mental stability is due to my Dad more than anything.

 

I find myself getting angry at my Dad, too, and distancing myself from him. He doesn't really understand or realize what I'm doing anymore, it's more just my personal thing to deal with - he is gentle and never angry with me, or blaming me, he makes more of an effort to understand how it feels to deal with him than I make in trying to figure out HOW to deal with him.

 

I'm so crazy anyways. I can't be anyone's rock. I'm a feather in the wind, most of the time...

[RowanRavyn]

Sweetie,

 

I promise you, this is all 'normal' whatever that means. =-)

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by blind_otter

It's difficult - sorry if it came off as me being dismissive of people who are older than me dealing with this. I'm just frustrated, I guess. We had lunch yesterday together, just me and my Dad. It was upsetting, we just sat there in silence. He was eating busily. It was like I was sitting next to a stranger.

 

It's like the grieving process is stretched out.

 

Not at all! I didn't think that at all. I understand that you need to have people you can relate to when you are grieving. It is frustrating and living grief is horrible to go through. It drains your energy and your spirit. I know.

 

Have you tried any websites for grief help? http://www.beyondindigo.com is one place I went to a lot when my kids passed and there you may find some inspiration or consolation. Everything you are going through is normal and expected in your situation.

 

I spent a week sitting by my mothers bedside in the hospital ICU last spring. A week of work missed (unpaid) and there were times when I was angry that she didn't let go and let me go. I don't want to lose her, but I know I will someday and I want to get on with it already! And yet, I grasp at any and all hope for her survival. She could live with me forever if I had my way. (Hubby probably wouldn't like that! She's been with us for six years next March)

 

So yes, anger and resentment are perfectly normal and you should not feel guilty. My mother does not want to put me through this - she hates it. She will be more relieved than anyone when she goes because she will free me from joining her suffering and allow me to grieve and move forward. Right now we are on a death-watch that has lasted six years already. She loves me and doesn't want that for me. Knowing that, and holding on to that is what has helped me assuage the guilt of anger.

 

I'll warrant that your dad does not want to put you through this either and would prefer to just go and let you move on with your life. Our parents didn't raise us to be stagnant and exist on the outskirts of life. That's not what they want for us, but sometimes it happens for reasons beyond anyone's control or influence.

 

Don't second-guess your emotions in this case, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no starting point or ending point to grief. It simply IS. No guilt involved.

[RowanRavyn]

Nicely done, Hokey.

 

Listen to her Sugar, she knows what she is talking about.

[Gala]

Blind Otter --

 

I can relate to this situation of yours in a couple of ways. I'm 39 now, and my mother is 86. She is AMAZING for that age -- still drives, has a big retriever she walks every day, and gets through much of her life pretty well. But her memory has begun to slip in very unpredictable and sporadic ways. Like you, I feel like I'm too young to be going through this. None of my peers has quite my situation with their parents (tho some have grandparents who are experiencing worse), and I feel both alone and cheated...although I am beginning to wonder if somewhere down the road I might find a revenue stream in all the knowledge and experience I'm gaining!

 

Moreover, my dad died (at 71) when I was 26 -- just slightly older than you now. I was just beginning the second year of a Ph.D. program, and the loss was like being hit with a giant andiron...not conducive to dealing with graduate coursework!! Even worse, when this happened my mother immediately went into massive grieving and absolutely was not there for me as a parent. She didn't exactly have a breakdown, but she did lean on me a lot -- and I'm the only child. I was the one picking out the casket, choosing clothes to bury him in, and figuring out who all to phone about the death and the funeral. I could not have imagined being in that role previously -- my mother had always been pretty authoritative. But she just crumpled in an instant...and I took over. More surreal still, my dad had stashed all this cash in his effects...like many tens of thousands of dollars, so I literally couldn't clear out a jacket without finding a few thousand. My mother was completely ovewhelmed by this, too...so I was counting CA$H along with everything else. Once all of that was over, I dealt by fleeing back to grad school 450 miles away, and going on with that life. I went on part-time status for a quarter, and somehow got back into the groove. But it took me a long time to grieve for my dad...and longer to understand that -- in a way -- I lost both parents that day.

 

But back to your situation. I know that there are now drugs that help with the type of memory loss you're describing. A friend's mother who is in her late 60's has begun taking them, and I know they are helping her. I know that you have had many sad and dreadful things happen to you in recent weeks, and it may seem like a lot to take on the task of getting some answers about this issue. My mother just recently -- on her own -- admitted to some short-term memory loss, and that was a huge step forward. Sometime in the next few months (a year at the most) I anticipate some kind of doctor's consultation about it.

 

I am more OK now with my custodial role than I was for many years, when I was angry and resentful and rather rebellious. I still get angry, and think quite a bit about what life might be like when my mother's gone. In the last year, I have longed for that time more than once. More recently, I have been able to focus on enjoying who she is in her best moments. Perhaps, in a similar spirit, you will be able to spur your dad to get some help to be the most of who he is.