NC Works, but how do you get success out of it????

[cugo999]

Originally posted by alphamale

CUGO999: you did exactly whut I told you NOT to do. I told you not to leave a msg if you called her and I told you not to bring up why she did not leave messages. I also told you to keep it non-serious and be cool as a cucumber.

 

Instead you have, once again, come off as desperate and insecure. Women hate dudes like this.

 

You have done the exact opposite of what I said. This is bad.

 

And by the way, everyone has caller ID, and everyone KNOWS that everyone has caller ID.

 

You're in a big hole now.

 

It might appear as serious but the truth it was not that. Actually we were laughing about the whole thing, She was laughing too, It was fun. I might look here as I was desperate, but I was not desperate, If I was desperate she couldn't have called after 5 minutes the second time.

 

Well you say i am in the whole, so what can I do now???

[Groovy]

My 2 cents is that she just isn't for you. If a voice mail "put you in the hole", ruined everything then it doesn't sound like you had much going between the two of you in the first place. It was blown away like dust in the wind.

 

I strongly disagree with AlphaMale. I don't dig guys who don't call or leave a message. They come off as disinterested and I therefore feel I shouldn't waste my time reconciling, beginning a new thing, etc. Women like being pursued, not men who sit on their A$$ and play little games or act like whimps hiding unable to express emotion. You can take his advice or the advice of a woman. It sounds like she may need someone to help her with this.

 

One of the things people do when they get rejected is look at everything they did wrong and blame themselves. My advice is to start looking at what she was offering you in the first place and what her actions have said. You have carried yourself in a way that shows respect, interest and maturity. She has not done that.

 

So therefore, why look at what you change or how you blundered when she has caused it to fall apart? I've said this in many posts, you are only half of the relationship and her half is the ingredient for success. But she is not giving her part. You've done what you can, the balls in her court. Just wait and see. Don't hound her with phone calls but maybe keep in touch with Holiday cards or an occassional hello. I wouldn't hold my breath for her though.

 

Good Luck!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Groovy

I strongly disagree with AlphaMale. I don't dig guys who don't call or leave a message. They come off as disinterested and I therefore feel I shouldn't waste my time reconciling, beginning a new thing, etc. Women like being pursued, not men who sit on their A$$ and play little games or act like whimps hiding unable to express emotion. You can take his advice or the advice of a woman.

 

women ALWAYS say the above...but their actions in real life do not support what they say.

[Groovy]

O.K, so I wouldn't want a man crying his eyes out getting my lap wet and screaming he needs me. And I certainkly want them to have their own life out of me or yes, they do seem pathetic.

 

But a phone call just to say he cares and is thinking of her? I expect that of friends, whether I am dating them or not. I can tell you someone who calls a month later, or even past 3 days later doesn't get to talk to me.

 

How would a man ever start anything lasting if he does not show he cares? Disinterest and a lack of caring is not the way to get things off the ground. If that works with people I probably wouldn't want to know them, no offense. It just seems inmature and like a game. Someone my life would be happier without anyway.

[cugo999]

Groovy

 

I strongly believe with your advice. I have done my part, I have given her time, I asked her out for a coffee, so we might talk. All she did was act immaturely , calling without leaving a message. There is nothing left I can do about this otherwise I'll be seen as desperate. I'll keep in touch with her occassionally. If she opens up, we will talk.

 

Thanks a lot for your advice.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by cugo999

I have given her time

 

I asked her out for a coffee, so we might talk.

 

If she opens up, we will talk.

 

Sorry CUGO999 but you don't have a leg to stand on here. She is in the drivers seat in this situation cause you have put her there.

 

- she should be giving YOU time

- she should be asking YOU out for coffee

- she should be waiting for YOU to open up and talk

[cugo999]

alpha,

You are crazy sometimes.

 

You are forgetting she called me four times. What were the intentions.

You are forgetting that in the last three months of my NC, she has called more than 10 times initiating everything by herself.

You are forgetting that, no matter what, she will still call back

You are forgetting that if i leave her in the driver seat with some NC, she will loose it not later

 

This ex seems to be confused, talking to my best friend thinking i'll do something about it. To me by talking to by best friend, she has lost the game and the driver seat all together.

 

Sometimes, you analyse what we tell in writings and not what you hear from our exes, how they sound when they call or their faces when we meet them. Tell me that is it is over for me and I'll believe you coz i know it is not over yet .

[Groovy]

Agreed,

 

Oh please Alphamale it would crack me up if we hung out together. Sometimes tells me neither one of us would give up our opinions.

[cugo999]

Ok, I am meeting my ex on tuesday at 6 this week.

I just don't wanna blow this out. I know we have been told we should look calm and should never bring the relationship up unless they do so.

 

Here is my problem with this gal, she likes sitting on the fence. I f I wait that she will bring the relationship up, she will never do it. I know if I start talking about us, she will really be up to it and think, everything will just b ok. I have a feeling that I should talk to her about it.

 

I don't know how to bring it up without looking desperate though. Could someone help me with some lines that I can use in a fun way so we may talk about this. I know she likes me still, but she is either a proud b or insecure after all, look at how she call with no messages.

 

I'll be happy for any advice.

Thanks

[Groovy]

Just remember some gals have committment or intimacy issues too and it sounds like she has some if she likes you and is acting this way. As well as not wanting to be desperate to her, you defintely don't want to come off as demanding either.

 

You could just say "I just began dating someone but am curious how you feel about me". Or you could just simply ask her what's between you two. Men tend to get scared off easily by questions like this that almost seem confrontational. But for women I think it helps us realize how we feel.

 

Now, if she wants to date you or she says there is a romantic element or attraction between you two then you can tell her how you feel, without going overboard. Just reciprocate interest that you'd like to date her too, that you are attracted to her too. Say the area between you two is unclear. If she says she just wants to be friends you can just say "Great, let's not lose that", even if you were hoping for another answer. Just don't get dissapointed a great deal in front of her.

 

Don't tell her about the web forum for advice, you think about her all much of your time, or you feel like you have to be with her or are suffering, anything that indicates an overwhelming interest that may make her feel smothered is to be avoided.

 

And if it doesn't go well, just remember this is someone who hit on your friend! Do what you need to do to get resoluton. I never do NC and always talk about the break up for a while (but then do NC). I usually don't sit around focused on my ex for that reason, I got my answers and moved on. It sounds like any answer may be better than where you are at.

[cugo999]

We met this week on tuesday. It was fun, she started asking me about my life, my family and to say hi to my Mum. She told me that I should know she is still single and she is not looking. She tried to explain to me the deal between her and my best friend. I could see she was feeling guilty about it. She was like we have been friends for long and we can still work things out.

 

I could see she was not looking at me straight in the eye. I wonder if she was hiding something and why tell me she is still single. I could see there is still that fire btween us. The talk was fine, no arguments and no finger pointing. She was thankful for the evening. I told her I was willing to work things out and take them slow this time.

 

I called her two days later..left a message that it I called and wished her a good nite.

 

Three days now, she has not called back.

 

Could somebody explain to me what is going in her head right now. I am kinda confused right now.

 

What I can get from all these... is probably she was feeling guilty about my best friend and now that she has explained to me everything, she can walk.

 

OR

 

I am just a safety net and again, she has come to know that I am still available for her.

 

What should I do from here. I was thinking of setting another date with her. Explain to her my terms and if she can't handle them she can walk. I am just getting fed up with her and the relationship all together.

[Groovy]

I would say she is probably playing games and you should ditch her. That you are a safety net. However, if she was rejected by your friend and slept with him, she may just feel awkward enough to not want to be a part of either of you. Or she is just playing a game with your head she thinks is fun. The whole thing of her not making eye contact is any of the above.

 

If you want to set up another date, do so. But be aware that she likely is jerking you around and it may just get worse based on the patterns she is showing. Sorry it didn't work out, but at least know you know and can move on!

[firefly_76]

The minute you stopped following his advice is the minute you began losing control over this situation. You have to realize someting: ALL men and women play games. It is instinctual. Your problem is that you sound like a genuinely nice fellow, and you would rather put your women's feelings first, but I would argue you do that to a fault.

 

It is my strong advice that you try to change your perceptions and ways of thinking about your role in a relationship, and in women. Women are people, just like men, and they have many of the same faults. Although they hide it better, they are just as apt to have strong sexual urges outside of a relationship. Some women would never follow through with it, but that is a fact.

 

No Contact works only because you are not showing an interest in her as you were before. She begins having self doubt, and questions whether you have more to offer than she previously thought. She is not trying to be mean... she is following a natural instinct. She may SAY she wants emotional connection, a loving honest relationship, commotiment etc... but that is only partially true. She wants that in a man that she has strong emotions for. Sometimes negative emotions. Sometimes good. She wants that from what she perceives as a dominant male. And that's why no contact works. She is thinking you must have better things to do rather than cry over her, so she thinks she underestimated you. I doubt any of these thoughts are concious, but they DO exist.

 

Now I'm not saying you can't reveal feelings to her in time, but I am saying that you should not be emotional about it. Change your expections about women, abot relationships. They are about feeling excited and fun together. To feel as though you are free to do as you will... but that your partner chooses you everyday, not just once when you get together and now you guys a stuck together out of obligation. Free yourself from this person. If she talks to you fine, enjoy the good things about her, reject the negative - don't whine yo her to change the negative. Tell her that it hurt you or angered you, then separate yourself for awhile... no big emotional discussion needed. This will have a much more immediate and effective change on your partner.

 

You have to change yourself first. Stop needing things from her, or any other women. Relationship is not about need, it's about joy together. It's about freedom. They more you meditate about letting go of this need, the more you will find self-fulfillment and control over your relationships. The key is not to act out the steps of no contact, but to practice and accept the life and inner beliefs that naturally lead you to behave that way.

 

This situation is not hopeless. You have extended the timeline though. You have to let her go now. If you really love her then you can do that. You can love someone and let them be free... that's the truest form of love. Contact her WHEN YOU TRULY FEEL BETTER IF YOU WISH. Keep an open mind for new friends or lovers along the way.

 

Any if ever in doubt... listen to alphamale!

[cugo999]

well i just wanted to post an update and also to seek further guidance. As you can read above i met my ex some weeks ago. the talk was good and we left it that, no major discussions all she did was to clerify that she has no interest in my best friend.

 

After three days I called her back of which she never responded. I went NC for further two weeks. She called me towards the end of the third week. All along my best friend has been telling me how much they talk and all that. I kept it cool. I never responded for her fone. She called three more times leaving no message. I learnt later that she was looking for me asking my best friend. She was asking him where I was, and whether I am out of state. I decided to call her one night at 11pm. I was disappointed with her responce , she was so withdrawn and was not willing to talk so she ask me to call the next day.

 

I called her the following day ta about 12 pm and she was like she just wanted to say hi and nothing serious. I felt this was the right time to tell her to stop her games or otherwise she leave me a lone. So I told her the following:

 

..."Hey ex, it seems to me that you have been playing a lot of games with me and I want to tell you that I am tired of them. I would like you to think about what you want and when you stop playing these games, you can call me so we may talk.."

 

She was like that is ok and we hang up. 10 minutes later she called back and she was like, so can I call as a friend?. and I was like NO, i can't be your friend right now coz I still do have feelings for you and I don't think i can be a good friend right now. So I would be glad if you stop calling mwe so ican get over what we had. and we hang up.

 

Fifteen minutes later, she called me and was very nice to me asking what I am doing and that we may talk. I told her I can't talk with you over the phone. If you feel like talking we need to set a time and meet and talk and not over the phone. She all over sudden got so defensive like I am trying to force her to be in a relationship with her. That she doesn't feel like she knows me anymore..and she was thinking we could be friends so we start all over again and see where we can end up. I told her I would be glad to start over again but I don't wanna be your friend..just friend you know what i mean,

 

It has been two weeks since we had this talk. I have not heard anything from her. She still talks to my best friend and he tells me everything coz he doesn't know that I was dating this gal. He tells me every time he try to ask her whether she managed to get hold me, she gets so defensive and it is like she doesn't wanna talk about it. To him, he feels like the lady had a crush on me and that is why she behaves like that.

 

Now my problem is what should i do at this time.? Should I just keep up with NC and see what happens. Do you think she will ever get the courage and call??. She has broken NC three times but this time i have feeling she might not call. I don't regret telling her all these coz for sure she has been playing games with me. I realy love her though and I know she still loves me. Please help me??

[davecity]

It seems as though you only have half of the NC down. You are good at starting the NC and keeping up with it but when she reinitiates conversation, you fall apart. For instance, if she says call me tomorrow. Call in three days...actually scratch that, wait a week to call her back. Even if she calls you 4 times in a week, by you calling her immediate when SHE requests you are giving her power and showing her that you are at her every beckoning call. Furthermore, you keep bringing up emotional aspects of the relationship back. There is no point to tell her "I'm sick and tired of you playing games". A girl just doesn't want to hear that. Whenever you talk to her from now on keep it positive and let her know that you are having fun, going out, keeping busy. Don't tell her you miss her or love her, don't do ANYTHING emotional. If she brings it up you can talk about it but don't open up. Answer her questions with brief responses and bring the ball back in your court. Seriously, if you had listened to alphamale than you would be better off.

 

dave

[LucreziaBorgia]

She all over sudden got so defensive like I am trying to force her to be in a relationship with her. That she doesn't feel like she knows me anymore..and she was thinking we could be friends so we start all over again and see where we can end up.

 

... in other words, it will be all on her terms or not at all, it sounds like. You did the right thing by not agreeing to be what I call "fake friends" - where one person only wants to give a minimum of emotional investment to someone who wants more emotional investment and calls that "friends".

 

I do agree with Alphamale's advice here to a great extent - following his advice would have left her with no room to manipulate you. She did what she did to you, because she could. She knows she has the upper hand here - she is telling you "if you do not agree to my terms for this, you cannot have me at all". Note that your feelings, expectations, and hopes for a relationship are seen by her as a "trap", something that she has to be "forced into" - and she refuses to consider them at all in her "plan for friendship".

 

I think she has the idea that if you really care for her, you'll turn off all of your emotions and agree to downgrade to "friends". I say keep up the NC, firm solid NC - as in not allowing her to contact you in any way, shape or form - and during this NC time, try to work her out of your heart in the process. This NC should act as an exorcism, rather than an attempt to get her back. Its not sounding like you will be able to have the relationship you want with her.

[cugo999]

thanks very much LucreziaBorgia for your responce. i was thinking a kinda made a mistake by talking to her that way. Now I feel rejuvinated and ready for more NC.

 

So why is she defencive when my friend try to ask her about me??. Is she bitter at me or what??.

[upsetnhurt]

Cujo,

 

Why are you playing this game? Why do you want this woman so bad? It seems to me that you say she has such a kind heart, loves you to death and wants the yet she recipricates your feelings for her by having mostly NC and by coming on to your best friend (who I don't understand how he doesn't know you both were dating if he is your best friend). Isn't easier to realize that she isnt the right one for you and it is time to go out there and meet a better person? I can assure you that this is not a game to her, this is a character flaw that you never noticed while you were together. She will not change and if you think you can change her you are only setting yourself up for a bigger loss in the future. All relationships don't end in success and people wind up dating lots of other people. Until you are ready to move on and accept she is not the right one...you will be stuck in this game. NC is not a game! It is to give you time to focus on getting yourself back emotionally and mentally. It should have nothing to do with winning her back!

[cugo999]

Originally posted by upsetnhurt

Cujo,

 

I can assure you that this is not a game to her, this is a character flaw that you never noticed while you were together. She will not change and if you think you can change her you are only setting yourself up for a bigger loss in the future. All relationships don't end in success and people wind up dating lots of other people. Until you are ready to move on and accept she is not the right one...you will be stuck in this game. NC is not a game! It is to give you time to focus on getting yourself back emotionally and mentally. It should have nothing to do with winning her back!

 

i have been thinking about this for a long time and i am pleased you brought it up. may be this is a character. may be i was so much in love with her that i could not notice this. but now i am sure she is not good person after all. I know i am gonna be aight. this is my year to forget about her and move on. I don't think i'll want her in any form if she does not contact me in the next two weeks. I promise my self this and i will do it. Thanks for pointing this out.

[upsetnhurt]

Cujo,

 

I did not want to insinuate to you that your ex is not a good person. Deep down I am sure she is a great person and one that truly thinks you are a great person. That in itself does not mean you both are meant to be together. She obviously has some issues she has to deal with and very well those issues have nothing to do with you. She is actually doing you a favor by pushing you away as she realizes that if she does not do it now then the likehood exists that it will happen in the future sometime when feelings are even more involved. Keep the good thoughts about the characteristics that you enjoyed and transfer them to someone else who is willing to give you what you need in a person. Good luck.

 

BTW, putting a timetable of two weeks never works........you are just prolonging your recuperation. Start now!

[cugo999]

well, it is been three weeks since we last talked when i told her to call me only if she stops playing her games and that i can't be her friend for now coz i still have feelings for her. she has not contacted and i have not contacted her. I still feel strongly in love with her and I know she does too, but because of pride she can't admit it.

 

Is there anything i can do right now??. I know i have been told to move on, but i feel we can still work this out. Don't you guys think it will be good to confront her and put everything down and talk to her and if she says it cannot work then I leave her alone. Untill now i have not done something like that. Please help

[upsetnhurt]

Cugo,

 

Please stop saying that you know that she loves you. How do you know that? Do her actions dictate that? Does she have a gun to her head telling her not to talk with you? Come on buddy......snap out of it. Three weeks is a great start and I would hate for you to mess that up by confronting her because you will fall right back to the starting point. Her response will be the same as you experienced in the past month or so......she is not ready nor may never be ready to be with you. If you confront her, she will run as quickly as possible. Stop saying you never told her how you feel. You have many times and you see the results.....you have to remember that this is not your problem, its hers.