My Situation w/ "The Boss"

[SixthSt.Girl]

I've been working as a salesperson for a small store since I graduated college, about 8 months. I have spent a lot of alone time with my boss, the owner, since Saturday is the day the manager has off. It's usually just me in store, or my boss and I - he runs two other businesses and is in and out frequently during the weekends. For the past few months, I have noticed him watching me intently when he thinks I'm not looking, or grabbing my arm or touching me when he talks to me (which he doesn't do with any of the other employees). I think it all started with a conversation: the manager said something to my boss about his moustache and commented that he'd look good w/a beard. She asked my opinion and I just said "yeah" and smiled at him since I really wasn't paying attention to the conversation. He smiled and stared at me for what seemed like a long time with this look in his eyes - hard to describe, but I think you get the picture.

 

Since then, he's been acting more flirtacious toward me. It's not crossed the line yet, though he offered to get me a second job waitressing at this bar he goes to all the time - everyone thought that was strange, but I figured he was just trying to help me financially since he couldn't increase my hours at the store and he knew I was struggling to find a better job. I didn't take him up on it, and have been working very hard to find a good job so I can get away from the store and him. He has been a great boss for the most part, but spending this much time with him hurts because I am attracted to him. I tried to deny it for a long time, but I can't anymore and part of me really wants him to make a move.

 

He's married, but seems discontent with the relationship, and doesn't spend much time with her. I really don't want to get into the drama of being with a married man, but these feelings I have are driving me crazy. With Christmastime, it's been more hectic at the store so it's been easier - we're not alone as much and have no time to concentrate on anything else but sales. This won't be the case for much longer, though. I have tried to be as professional as I can, but the tension is mounting, and I don't know what to do. He gets close to me, then when he feels he is too close, he gives me the cold shoulder for awhile. Even other employees are starting to notice and are wondering what is going on. Other than find a new job, which I'm trying to do, I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just looking for advice and commiseration here. I've been stressed financially and emotionally, I live alone and feel alone, and have no one to discuss this with.

[Owl]

It's sexual harassment. The touching and grabbing your arm and progressively more flirty comments are him feeling out his boundaries with you. Draw a line in the sand. The next time he does something like that...let him know that you don't appreciate it or want it...and if he does it again, repeat yourself loudly enough that the other employees (who apparently see this too) can hear. It should scare him off, at least in the short term.

 

If he threatens to fire you over this...threaten to sue for harassment. No reason why anyone, male or female, should have to put up with that kind of crap.

[alphamale]

be very careful, you are about to fall into a trap

 

find a new job pronto!

[tiki]

Get another job. You're playing with fire.

 

If you're up for a relationship, do it with a single man. You get more out of the deal, I promise you.

 

Start looking for another job today! This tells a lot about his personality to screw his wife over like this. He'd do the same to you. Run!

[Max Zoom]

Sexual harrassment? What are you? On helium?

 

Look, 6th Street, you are in an age old situation. You have the hots for your boss. Max doesn't want to tell you what to do except to say that whatever you do this will not end well. But please, feel free to ignore good advice and do what you want as most people do anyway in your situation.

[blind_otter]

Now, other employees can file a sexual harrassment suit if THEY feel uncomfortable with the sexual innuendo in the atmosphere. At least, that's how it is at the university I work at. I just had to take a stupid sexual harrassment seminar where we argued about whether same-sex individuals can sexually harass each other. Anyways, that's the policy where I work so I assume it's a federal or at least a state thing. This is a dangerous situation. Speak with him if you have to, let him know this is not appropriate.

 

start an extra marital affair with him if you want, whatever, we all know that the consequences of that will be devestating to at least one individual no matter how you rig it. But at least end your working relationship prior to that. In-a-ppro-priate.

[Owl]

Hey Max-

 

"Sexual harassment may be definced as unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors and other unwelcome verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. It occurs when:

 

A) the victim's submission to such conduct is made explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of employment, or:

B) the victim's submission to or rejection of the conduct by the harasser is used as a basis for employment decisions and/or retaliation, or:

C) the conduct has the effect of unreasonably interfering with the victim's work performance or otherwise acts to create an objectively hostile or abusive work environment- a work environment that a reasonable person would find hostile or abusive

 

Owl thinks Max needs to check his Funk & Wagnel's.

[moimeme]

Maxie dear, bosses are 'posed to keep their mitts off the help. Putting mitts on the hired hands is, like it or not, harrassment. It is so precisely because people like this poster are worried that their jobs will suffer if they tell bosses to go stuff themselves and nobody should be under that sort of pressure to allow self to be pawed.

[SixthSt.Girl]

[color=indigo]It's sexual harassment. The touching and grabbing your arm and progressively more flirty comments are him feeling out his boundaries with you. [/color]

 

There are no comments that he's made that I'd call harrassment. He once asked me if I liked to drink and then started talking about the bar he goes to, kind of hinting around I guess - it didn't get very far because we got a customer and got sidetracked. He is pretty subtle thus far, probably because I haven't given him much of a response.

[moimeme]

It's the touching that is the harrassment.

[Owl]

Then give him a very clear negative response....such as "Mr Speedyhands(sic), I really enjoy working here. But I'm not comfortable with how you just touched me. You're married, you're my boss, and I'm not interested in taking things further if that's what you're feeling may happen."

 

If he keeps it up after that, a scream, a swift kick to the groin, and a call to the lawyer may be appropriate (just kidding!).

[Leaf]

wait... does she like the boss? Is that why this is in here? I'm confused (no shock.. I know)...

[Max Zoom]

Hey Owl . read your own def of sex harrassment. Then find for yourself where this definition fits with the text of 6th street's post. Moimeme and Owl: what members of the general public would like to qualify as sexual harrassment and what would be accepted as such at a hearing or arbitration Max thinks, are two wildly different things.

 

Oh yeah, and physical touching that is harrasment: shouldn't it be unwanted? Max thinks 6th "wants it."

[tiki]

That's what I was wondering. You guys are fighting over what sexual harassment is, and she 'digs' him. WTF?! Shouldn't the fact that she's into him and he's into her be the sitchie we address? Not the definition of sexual harassment, but maybe the definition of responsibility?

[whichwayisup]

Either way, verbal or physical flirting is WRONG for someone in his position!! Start carrying a tape recorder with you and NEVER be alone with this man. People are starting to talk and wonder WTF is going on. You are definately playing with fire on this one...So don't give in to this attraction. Bad idea and if you end up doing it...I don't mean to sound harsh, but you will be a fool. Just don't talk to him in any way other than professional and let him know you are NOT interested.

[moimeme]

Oh Maxie, Maxie. Unless 6th has made it perfectly clear she 'wants it', yes it is inappropriate. And decent fellows know that.

 

Merry once had a boss who was a very warm human and liked to give shoulder rubs. However, Merry didn't feel she knew the fellow that well and did not enjoy the shoulder rubs. She mentioned that she was not comfortable and fellow ceased immediately. He was a good guy. Later, after fellow and Merry and other co-workers socialized quite a bit, Merry considered 'boss' more a friend and welcomed the shoulder rubs.

 

Merry suspects Maxie has yet to attend a sexual harrassment awareness class else Maxie would know this stuff.

[tiki]

Maxie and Merry are fun-nay.

[Barby]

Originally posted by SixthSt.Girl

I think it's assumed that the OW gets involved with the MM because she loves him and wants to break up the marriage in order to be with him. Well, I wonder how many women get involved with MM for reasons other than love, such as, they just want a fling. It's hard to believe that all OW are out to break up marriages and create an explosive drama.

 

I took these words you wrote from another thread...my question is....why WOULD YOU get involved with a MM KNOWING he's married? What purpose would it serve for you??!!

 

 

I believe you need to keep yourself from getting involved, be a DECENT unselfish human being, be a REAL WOMAN and CHOOSE NOT to get involved when you KNOW he's deceiving his wife, I'm sure she's done nothing to you to warrant you aiding in the break-up of her marriage (AIDING not creating).

 

 

Find a single man, keep yourself out of a drama filled situation!

[Leaf]

6th.. trust me... You really dont want the life of the OW.. its not worth it.

[Max Zoom]

Okay, Merry, Max will look into sexual harrassment classes but Max suspects he's probably pretty good at harrassing people sexually already.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Barby

I took these words you wrote from another thread...my question is....why WOULD YOU get involved with a MM KNOWING he's married? What purpose would it serve for you??!!

 

Find a single man, keep yourself out of a drama filled situation!

 

 

let me give you some valid reasons (although irrational) why some women like to be involved with Married Men:

 

1) financial gain

2) excitement and drama

3) low self esteem issues (i.e. why would any decent single man want me, i'm worthless)

4) commitment issues (contratry to popular opinion, just as many women cannot commit as men)

5) to have someone but also to NOT have someone

6) forbidden fruit, to have or steal a betrothed man

 

and there are others too...

[SixthSt.Girl]

[color=green]Oh yeah, and physical touching that is harrasment: shouldn't it be unwanted? Max thinks 6th "wants it."[/color]

 

 

I am uncomfortable when he touches me at work in front of people - for example, he was talking to one of our vendors the other day, then he turned to me and asked me to remind him to do so-so later on while grabbing onto my arm the whole time. The vendor was looking at us like wtf is that? I'm not sure I consider the touching to be harrassment - I studied communication in college and learned that touch in the workplace is very common - when a boss touches an employee, it conveys dominance and superiority. My boss is somewhat a control freak so that makes sense. It does make me uncomfortable though, since he doesn't do it with anyone else. I'm not sure if it has as much to do with attraction as it does my age and position. I'm the youngest person there by several years and low on the totem pole. ETA: it's the looks he's given me that are more of a warning sign - that's what started it to begin with. I honestly don't know whether he wants it to go past that or if he has any planned intent - sometimes I think he's unaware that he's doing it. That's what has me a little worried.

[SixthSt.Girl]

Thank you for that list, alphamale - also in my area for example, there is a major lack of younger people. I know hardly anyone below 25, and mostly date older men. It's very hard to find anyone in the 30+ range that isn't already married, so for a lot of people there's not much choice unless you want to move far away or be alone forever, lol.