tabstabs Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Hi everyone, I've lurked here for months and have always found the advice given spot on. Most of it was so relevant to me when going through a recent break up. But now I could do with some impartial advice. I have recently been receiving facebook messages of an inappropriate nature from an ex of 4 years ago. To give some background on our relationship, we haven't seen eachother since the day I walked out 4 years ago nor spoken. He was my first love but in retrospect the relationship was extremely emotionally abusive and in the end, resulted in me having to leave university to get away from him to clear my head as I was becoming a shell of a person. He was a very controlling person and through him I alienated most of my friends made at university. He was constantly messaging other girls via facebook, chat rooms, text messages, dating websites etc. I would always take him back because I loved him so much but one day I just snapped. Fast forward 4 years on and I've had several boyfriends since, who have not been great either and deep down I believe my experiences with my ex have led me to have extremely low self esteem and self worth when it comes to relationships. My ex and I are not friends on facebook, nor have we spoken since the day I walked out. However in the past few weeks he has sent me at least 1 message a day of an inappropriate nature. I have not replied to one of them. The messages are inappropriate simply because he has a girlfriend. I can see her from his facebook profile picture, and see him in hers. He is, in short, doing exactly what he did to me 4 years ago, to her. Through some snooping around I have also seen he has a profile on an 'adult' dating website, claiming to be single and looking for girls for f-w-b relations. Put it simply, I absolutely hate the guy for what he did to me during our relationship and what I had to give up for him (my degree, my friends at university etc) The question I ask is, do I message his girlfriend -I would do it anonymously - flagging up what he is (still) doing? I don't know her and I don't want to hurt her. However I know that in retrospect, finding out what he was doing was the best thing that ever happened to me in terms of getting out of our relationship. I have a mutual friend who knows his girlfriend - and she says that the girl is genuinely lovely, kind, in her first year as a newly qualified doctor, attractive...this girl seemingly does not deserve this kind of behaviour from this total creep of a "man". However I know I might be just playing with fire, but I can't help but be infuriated every single time this guy messages me with some kind of pathetic attempt to try and get me to talk dirty to him. Any advice welcome, thanks so much. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 He's out of your life. If you want him to stay there, ignore his friend request, forget what you found & go on with your life as though he doesn't exist. I wouldn't contact his GF. You don't know her. Leave it alone. It's not your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Block him. Job done. And change your facebook security settings so that only your friends can send you messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Tell her. She deserves to know. like, WTF. So, people think it is perhaps better for this poor girl to be kept in the dark for possibly years? This guy is a sociopath with very little empathy it seems... Look, this girl sounds like she could find a guy who would NOT flirt with girls behind her back! What if no one tells her? She deserves to know! I would tell her, but in a way that does not reveal it is YOU telling her. Tell her to go to the adult site before she confronts him, so she can see for herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 I'm a little torn. I've been cheated on and I wish someone would have told me if I was with a douchebag. On one hand, I think you should just block him and move on with your life. On the other hand, maybe print it and mail to her anonymously. At least you plant the seed in her head, and then have no more involvement in it. Block him on FB and move on. I feel sorry for the woman. Link to post Share on other sites
fixing Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Yeah tell her. She needs to know, otherwise he will destroy her life too. Absolute scumbag wanker he sounds like to me. Get screenshots of all his messages. Email her them all as concrete proof. Also tell her you are sorry to break such bad news etc, but if that wanker calls you in anyway again, then you will be contacting the police and reporting him as harassing you. Also block the prick. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 This is a moral dilemma and rightfully, you should be having this self-talk to determine what the right thing to do is. If you had heard or if it were another person he was contacting, I would "lean" towards blocking him and leaving things alone. That it's not really any of your business, but he IS contacting YOU and YOU KNOW that he is playing this woman as well. I now "lean" towards you telling this woman to protect her from the hurt that you have experienced. Send printscreen images of the website with his profile, but not your FB. Just tell her that you know he's doing these crazy, sleazy things, but don't mention your FB. You walking away from this is what would be criminal and irresponsible. You know better... Link to post Share on other sites
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