So many lies

[BlueBobby]

I'm in an affair with my friends wife. I've been reading on here since she told me about this place. So many women and men having complete pity party's for themselves or coming here for support only to have a bunch of bitter people telling then lies to make them feel worse about themselves.

 

I do the whole push pull thing or whatever the fk that's called. It's not intentional at least didnt start that way. I like the excitement it's the whole point of the affair, why would I risk my wife,my kids my home if I wasn't getting something out of this? I'm getting excitement and great sex and a great friendship out of it but if I talked to her every single day it would be a relationship right?

We are married, and women fall in love and get real attached real easy, but I do too, I can just deal with it better. If I don't see her I don't feel guilty at all but I see her lots. I don't feel guilty as much as excited but I can't see her everyday if I want to keep it exciting too so that's a real thing to.

 

I care about my affair partner a lot. She's sexy, she's funny she makes me smile. I don't tell her that every single day. We don't say I love you or anything like that but she knows how much I think about her because I've told her. Do women need to hear that every single day to keep believing it? I'm not lying just because I don't constantly repeat how I feel.

 

If I didn't care about her I'd go screw someone else

 

I care about her as a person. I am married though and I have a life I need to keep balanced.

 

In the beginning I loved texting all day and meeting whenever we could , just as much as she did. I couldn't keep doing that though because I've been caught cheating before and when you see the person every day or talk to them or even text every day you start acting weird at home. You get angry and frustrated more and it's just not something you can do forever. The affair either at that point needs to end or slow down. The last time I ended it by getting sloppy and my wife caught me. That was a one time sex thing and mostly just texting. She found the texts but I was over that girl by then so not covering it up good. She wasn't married, wasn't someone I was real close to, I cared about her but I got over it real fast.

 

This girl is different.

We had to slow down.

It does not mean my feelings for her changed. I want the affair to last, that's the point.

 

The longer I go between seeing or talking to her, the more excited I am when I do get to see her. She likes lots of attention, so in order to keep it exciting I pull away and then come back. I figured out I do that, I didn't do it to manage her or manipulate her. I just wanted to keep it fun. That's what she says she wants too but I can tell she wants more and I'd like to be able to give that to her but in all honesty I can't and she needs to be ok with it or it would have to end. We are both married and her husband would kill me, my wife would flip out and leave and ya custody would be shared but she'd get more and make life a living hell. She would move away and I would never see them and I love my wife and my life is a good life right now.

 

Do you think the person you are in an affair with doesn't care at all just because they dont want to text everyday or get caught. That's bull****. They would go get sex somewhere else then. Unless they are ugly or messed up but if they are married and have a side piece, you know they can get laid, they'd get it from somewhere else unless something is unique about the one they are with.

That's what I think.

[Owl]

I get why you are having an affair from your post...what I don't get is why you've remained married?

[ShakeItLikeAGiovanna]

I am a wife that is being cheated on......

 

That being said, I have no sympathy for you or your friend's wife. If you have such strong feelings for your friends wife, you should divorce your wife and she divorce her husband.

 

Your wife should be able to find a man that will truly love her a not cheat. Same goes for your mistress's husband.

 

Cheaters are sickening......

 

I think you know deep down if you left both of your spouses the relationship would not last. Relationships built on lies and secrets will be full of lies and secrets. There will be no trust.

 

The old adage "If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you."

 

Be faithful or get a divorce.

[goodyblue]

Oh pshaw. If he cheats with you he will cheat in you. So someone can never change, evolve? Gimme a break.

[Mascara]

So to summarise - you love your wife, you care about the OW but not enough to be with her fulltime, and you're pretty much in it for the excitement (but it's nice that the excitement is with someone you like and enjoy being with)

 

Sounds about right. Unfortunately to many OW, that equals going off into the sunset together if only the wife would let you go. So just be careful how that "I really like being with you" translates in her head.

[Owl]

Oh pshaw. If he cheats with you he will cheat in you. So someone can never change, evolve? Gimme a break.

 

Can someone change? Of course.

 

Are they LIKELY to change? That's another question. Especially if the behavior "got them what they wanted"...they never learned a painful lesson from that behavior, so in that circumstance, I can see why it's likely that the behavior might be repeated again.

 

Which is why this phrase is so common. Because it tends to be TRUE.

[BlueBobby]

I get why you are having an affair from your post...what I don't get is why you've remained married?

 

I said I love my wife and we have a pretty good life. We are not rich though far from it and I don't want to split anything in half or have her move away with my kids. I'd still have to live here to work I'd never see them and she's crazy sometimes. Would make life living hell. I said that. Besides that I love her, she is a good mom and a pretty good wife.

[tired girl]

I think you are mistaking loving your wife for loving what your wife can offer you. That is two different things. You may want to examine how much you really love your wife. If you did, this wouldn't be happening. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't feel the need to betray yourself and your family like this.

[BlueBobby]

So to summarise - you love your wife, you care about the OW but not enough to be with her fulltime, and you're pretty much in it for the excitement (but it's nice that the excitement is with someone you like and enjoy being with)

 

Sounds about right. Unfortunately to many OW, that equals going off into the sunset together if only the wife would let you go. So just be careful how that "I really like being with you" translates in her head.

 

If I had met her first we would probably be together. Not an option now though. She's friends with my wife and I'm friends with her husband and I like them both I love my wife and this is how we are together.

Ya she says she is cool with no I love you's that was her that made that rule. I can see she's fallen for me but I have for her too but we both know what it is. We aren't getting divorces.

[tired girl]

Ahhh, so it is more of " I don't want to divorce because it is a PITA." I can guarantee when you get caught again, it will be far worse than if you just get a divorce and then go do what you want.

[BlueBobby]

I think you are mistaking loving your wife for loving what your wife can offer you. That is two different things. You may want to examine how much you really love your wife. If you did, this wouldn't be happening. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't feel the need to betray yourself and your family like this.

 

She's my wife. I love her. But I'm a sexual person she's not. I wouldn't have gotten married if we hadnt had kids probably but we did. Ill always take care of her but I need more than that too. That's it. I don't get caught.

[tired girl]

So then either tell your wife that she needs to step up or you need to get out. I am sure she would rather live an honest life than live with what her life is like right now. She deserves to know what is happening in her life. You are making choices for her life that she has no idea about and that is not your right. Let her either step up or get out.

[Daisy2013]

Wow. You sound almost verbatim like my OM/friend, my relationship, whatever he/it is. Except he tells me he loves me abd we're not friends with each other's spouses. There are no fantasies bc he won't leave his M, but loves me nonetheless. Nothing to say here except it is good to see the other side view point. We've talked it through, but to read it and it sounds so similar. Just wow.

[BlueBobby]

Ahhh, so it is more of " I don't want to divorce because it is a PITA." I can guarantee when you get caught again, it will be far worse than if you just get a divorce and then go do what you want.

 

What does PITA mean?

I don't want to get a divorce because why would I? I have two happy kids, she's a good mom and I don't want to be without her I am home all the time I don't leave to cheat its just when she's gone or not even awake. Sounds bad but what she doesn't know doesn't hurt her. That's true.

I'm not risking her health and we are careful we won't get caught. It's exciting knowing we could but I'm careful.

[BlueBobby]

So then either tell your wife that she needs to step up or you need to get out. I am sure she would rather live an honest life than live with what her life is like right now. She deserves to know what is happening in her life. You are making choices for her life that she has no idea about and that is not your right. Let her either step up or get out.

 

She has said she would leave. I've told her exactly what I think in the beginning and she flipped out. It's easier to just act like I don't have the same urges anymore. It works this way. We have good sex but not often and she doesn't experiment or have the same interests. Her friend and me do. It works.

[tired girl]

PITA=pain in the ass, and yes what she doesn't know does hurt her. She knows on some level, I guarantee it. Since she caught you once, she has zero trust now. And she is watching you. My husband thought I didn't know and I always knew. Just took me a bit to bust him, but I did. And before you say anything, I cheated as well, I was just up front and told him before I did it. See I hate liars. That is so cowardly.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is clear in your posts, that you know what you want and how to get it. You understand how to keep the affair fresh and not like a committed relationship. You are clear, that you will get sex from someone else if your AP does not want to toe the party line of keeping it sex only. All of that is fine. For YOU.

 

Everyone...including yourself has the right to live their life as they see fit. What you don't have the right to do, is force others through lies, manipulation and deceit to forfeit how they want to live their lives.

 

Your wife wants a relationship that is monogamous and your OW wants more of a commitment. If you are unable/unwilling to do that...then say so. And let them make their own choices.

[tired girl]

Your forcing your wife to have sex with someone she didn't agree to have sex with every time you do that. She should at least have the option to say no. If your wife was out there having sex with some strange man, wouldn't you want the option of whether you wanted to have sex with your wife again after some guy had been there?

[Mascara]

Do you know what cheating is? It's effectively saying to your spouse "you do not have the right to decide you want a monogamous relationship. I am keeping this from you because I know you wouldn't like it, and because I believe you have no right to decide that you only want to be with someone who will be faithful"

 

So this why you need to tell your wife what is wrong for you in your marriage and what the consequences are, so that she can make an informed decision.

 

She has the right to decide she does not want to be married to a cheater.

[KathyM]

Is the extra sex really worth losing your wife, the respect/love of your children, half or more of your finances, not to mention your integrity and self respect? I would hope you would value those things above the extra sex, but you delude yourself into thinking you can have both the wife/children/finances and the side action. Is it really worth the gamble though? You stand to lose so much. She'll likely find out eventually, especially if she already is on alert because of what she already discovered previously. Pretty much everybody who enters into an affair thinks the affair won't be discovered, and then when it is, they are devastated by the consequences. Are you really prepared to lose everything, because that is what you will be facing.

[Lola Roberts]

Okay, how would you feel if either of your women went elsewhere for it? And why isn't your wife into sex? Is it intimacy with you she doesn't like after finding out you cheated before or just her? How do you know she's not getting it from somewhere else? You describe your wife as if she's so middle of the road - like you don't really appreciate her at all. Sounds like she'd be better off without you. Also, the way you describe your OW falling for you but you being better at controlling your feelings is just really ego-centric. What's so special about you? Some might say you're a cheat who lacks integrity and therefore not a good catch for any woman. One thing I'm pretty sure about is that sooner or later this will come and bite you on the ass and it won't be pretty. I'd make a decision to leave or end the affair, be honest with your wife and go for counselling.

[blue963]

Women do not lost interest in sex if they love you are they are being treated properly. When women are taken for granted and relationships are not added to, they will lose interest. They don't want to constantly take care of you and receive nothing in return. This is what kills interest and loss of sexual desire. Sometimes I dont think men realize that if they compliment their wife, help their wife, treat their wife as an equal and someone they respect (not as someone thats trying to control them) there would be more happy marriages.

[blue963]

as far as how you treat the other woman, I dont think she will be around long. It sounds as like you regard her as more of a challenge or a game.

[Sub]

I'm confused by the title of the thread. Is the issue that the MOW isn't being honest?

[Owl]

She has said she would leave. I've told her exactly what I think in the beginning and she flipped out. It's easier to just act like I don't have the same urges anymore. It works this way. We have good sex but not often and she doesn't experiment or have the same interests. Her friend and me do. It works.

 

OK...I get it. You love her.

 

Just not enough to respect her. Or to be honest with her. Or to give her the choice to live with you or not, in the full truth of what's going on.

 

She's a great wife...as long as she's kept in the dark about what's going on.

 

You don't want to lose her...but you'll risk it every time you choose to be with OW.

 

She is a wonderful partner...but not enough for you since she's not experimental like you want her to be, and you're not willing to give her the choice to change or find someone more compatible for herself.

 

Perhaps she'd be happier with someone less experimental, more compatible? Why not give her that option?

 

I'm telling you...your posts scream that you want to claim to be in love with her...but your actions clearly spell out that you don't care for her enough to treat her the way she should be treated.

 

If she's lucky, perhaps someone will come along and give her what SHE deserves, and she'll free you to be with OW?