red flags or over thinking?

[confuzed23]

I met a girl online, we get along good and for the most part have fun together. She’s never been married, no children, lived with a guy for 8 years before he died. Maybe not part of the issue but apparently she was aware he was into some shady stuff and he died of his own doing. I have children and have been divorced for about a year and a half. We live about an hour apart, so its kind of long distance, it’s not a big deal for a weekend and once a week visits but is enough distance to make “everyday” kind of things undoable. So I end up going to her place every other weekend and she comes up by me once a week.

 

My concerns are that she told me she had a promiscuous past in her 20’s, we are both now 41. I didn’t ask for details because I didn’t want to know but she can’t remember the names of many of the guys and from some conversations it is obvious it was a lot and very casual. After the death of her live in boyfriend she told me that she had 2 boyfriends she had sex with and was abstinent the last 3 years before I met her, which made me feel better. I was only with my wife and briefly with a woman after my divorce before her, the intimacy is good and is fulfilling for both. However sometimes when we are lying down she will tell me about this or that in the past, in a weird paradox as my feeling for her grow, that past becomes more disappointing to me. On top of this I came to find out that she did have a guy in the last year or two, but in her words couldn’t sleep with him because he had to skinny of a dick. So when I asked I thought it had been 3 years, she said she did not have sex with him. It kind of hit me because it was still more intimacy then I was lead to believe to get to this point and further, the reason she decided not to do anything with him was not for moral but rather shallow reasons. Though it is at least a compliment to me J

 

In addition to this we have had the excusive talk about 2 months ago(4 months total) When I was by her house a couple of weeks ago helping her look stuff up on ebay to sell she had me use her Ipad, when I opened the browser I saw the login page for pof(a dating website) was one of the tabs she had left open) I didn’t say anything, but checked the site and couldn’t find her and forgot about it. A week later I decided to check match with a fake account(this is where we met) I was surprised to find her account active within 2 weeks) I again didn’t say anything and watched it and saw she went online one more time which was the last weekend we were not together. I haven’t seen activity since but this coming weekend would be the next “off” weekend and I am curious to see if she will log in again. One more side note, we were watching a TV show(New Girl) in which a girlfriend was trying to make the boyfriend jealous by getting the attention of another guy, when that guy wanted to sleep with the TV show character she commented that she would sleep with him and forget her boyfriend. Kind of hit me as another red flag, why would someone even say that. Yet she is always telling me how happy I make her, how awesome I am, the best boyfriend she has had, is very happy with the sex, etc. Am I over analyzing thinking she has a past of making bad decisions and its only a matter of time, or am I onto something? Hope the post was clear, thoughts are a little jumbled.

 

edit:I went by her house for my birthday, we had a great time and she was really good to me. Told me how grateful she was for me and how I make her so happy. However this is my weekend with the kids, so I check match with my fake account and low and behold she's been on within 24 hours. That makes 3 "off" weekends in a row I know about that she has logged in, definitely not a daily thing for her, but I do see a pattern here....any thoughts are appreciated I;m just a year divorced and not used to this dating thing

[Spectre]

I see a lot of red flags and you are definitely not over thinking it. First the red flag about her lying about her past when she said she was abstinent for 3 years. Did she actually use the word abstinent? Since I'm pretty sure abstinence applies to any kind of sex..even oral, handjobs, etc. so how could she of been abstinent then? If she didn't fool around with him how does she know he has a skinny dick?

 

Also, the dating sites are red flags. She has absolutely no reason to be on them if she is in a relationship. Also her comment in regards to the tv show about how she'd dump her bf and sleep with another guy is also a red flag. Why say that to your boyfriend?

 

Her still being active on the site you met on says it all. Confront her with what you know. If I caught my gf on dating websites I'd immediately dump her, she can't be that into me if she has to be on there.

[Space Ritual]

Too many red flags to even consider being exclusive with this woman.

 

That statement she made during the TV show was no off handed comment, coupled with her still being active in other dating sites without you knowing, I'd say she is showing you already who she really is...you need to believe her.

 

No need to confront...just tell her this is not working out as you had envisioned and delete her from your life....and get an STD test while you are at it.

[SmartDude]

Good Lord, what is wrong with you people.

 

So what? she had a promiscuous past. Is she any less valuable because of this? Maybe it was a phase in her life and she has changed. Many people are promiscuous in their 20's lol.

 

And if she is logging on to the dating sites maybe it is just curiosity. She wants to make sure she is not missing any thing and made the right choice.

 

I swear that some of yall are just to uptight. Willing to put up a red flag because someone sneezes wrong or looks at you funny. Whatever happened to giving someone a chance in the beginning?

 

Just because there was a promise of exclusivity does not mean that will happen right away. But its no reason to throw everything away either.

[old]

She appears to like you very much.

 

The things she has said suggest that she does not need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. There is nothing wrong with that viewpoint. But if love and sex go together for you then she may not be the one.

 

Some possible reasons for her to be secretly using dating sites are (a) she relaxes by doing so (same way other people might relax by watching YouTube videos or reading a book), (b) she is considering replacing you with someone else at some point or © she is considering seeing someone else at the same time as you, or some combination of the above.

 

My advice would be to live for the day. Just enjoy the time you spend together. Don't make plans or dream about commitment or marriage. If they come, fine. If not, you enjoyed the times you had together. Even if they come, the joys of commitment and exclusivity are often short lived. So be cautious, be slow, don't commit your heart (at least not for many years) and enjoy each moment for what it is and not for what it might lead to.

[anna121]

To be honest it sounds like you aren't a great match. Your sexual histories are too different, and clearly a source of anxiety for you.

 

You live apart and while she refers to you as her "boyfriend", how serious do you consider the relationship? Perhaps you are in a grey zone and the relationship has not been clearly delineated. If it has, then the dating sites are unacceptable and grounds to break up.

 

Are you in love with her? What about her?

[confuzed23]

Thank You for all your thoughts, while the sexual history is not something that I agree with, the fact that it was long ago and that she said she had been abstinent the last 3 is what made me feel better. We have all done things we regret and the fact that I preform well with someone that has had such experience does make me feel confident.

 

The fact that she is on the dating site, made the comment about cheating on the show and some of the information not adding up about her past is what concerns me. That's where the history comes in and causes me to have more scrutiny to all of the above.

 

I do think she likes me allot and acts that way, she even says she thanks god for me everyday as she spent allot of time on the dating site and had many bad dates before meeting me. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in most things, it's just all this behind the scenes stuff that has me wondering if it's an act or genuine. It is definitely has been clearly delineated as a relationship as ana121 asked. For now I am not going to confront her for the time being and just live for the day and see what pans out with or without her as old suggested. I have received that same advice from other friends as well. Its just all confusing with some of what is said and what is done.

[karnak]

Its just all confusing with some of what is said and what is done.

 

Just a word of advice: never pay attention to what a woman says.

 

Pay attention to what a woman does!

 

I'm no mysoginist. But I know what I'm talking about. And I'm sure that most ladies who read this post also know what I mean.

 

Actions speak louder than words. And it's very easy to say "I love you". Yet sometimes it's very hard for some people to really love anyone but themselves.

[Oldspiceywolf]

You are too hung up on her past sex life. This might be a nice relationship but if she isn't cheating now I could easily see your insecurity pushing her that way. You seem possessive and you might not be ready for this so fresh after your marriage. You have some pretty specific ideas about what you feel is an appropriate sex life/history for a woman you wish to pursue a relationship with and this women seems more of a free-thinker who has walked enough different paths in life to be 41 and never married. Do yourself a favor and explain hepuret to her honestly and if it doesn't work out you saved yourself some time. Sometimes it's close but not close enough, you do t have to believe every relationship you have has to go somewhere. Good luck buddy(open your mind too)!