newly betrayed

[lady]

ok, I am new to the forum and in need of some help. My husband and I have been together 18 yrs in Feb. we have had our problems along the way but I thought we really had a strong unbreakable marriage.wrong it can be broken.

I found out on the 23 rd of this month that my husband has been having an affair for about 6 months now. During these six months i have known something was wrong but dummy me never even suspected another women.

He makes frequent trip for work and I have actually begged him to let me go with him and he would always tell me I would be bored because he would be working the whole time. in the last 2 months he has taken 3 of these trips and she has been with him.

OK, my deal is this if he could promise not to have any contact with her I can get past it and work on fixing the problems we have. but he can't make that promise, things that has been said makes me feel he is protecting her, where he should be trying to protect me or at least our marriage and our children.

He keeps saying he would like to keep her as just a friend, well it may be, untill the first time he gets upset with me then is he going to go running to her?

She lives several hundred miles from us so I can't easiely find her but he refuses to tell me who she is.

But you know computers are awsome creatures, I already have that info if I want her a*s I could find her. anyway, I don't really blame her, what woman in there right mind is going to turn down a weekend away every few weeks, with a good looking man.

I don't know where to go from here. I still love him with all my being and don't want to loose him or what we had and could possibly have together. But I can't and wont wait for the other ax to fall.

So what do I do, where do I find the strength to worry about just me? How do I not ask myself what I did or could have done to prevent this from happening?

My kids no matter what will be taken care of.

[Owl]

Lady-

 

Very sorry to hear of your problems...I've been through something similar myself, so I can really relate to what you're feeling right now.

 

Take a look at my thread here on the board if you're interested in my story.

 

Bluntly, you're in a hard part of things right now. Until he makes the decision to end it with the OW, there's not much you're going to be able to do to save your marriage at the moment.

 

I would seriously lay down the law with him at this point, but that is just my way. He needs to make a choice to work on your marriage, or to end your marriage. If he decides to work on your marriage...he needs to absolutely break off all contact with her. Period. And typically once that is done, it takes 3-6 weeks for him to get over the "addiction" of the affair. He'll quite literally go through the withdrawl of the loss of that relationship. Hard to hear, I know, but it's how it is friend.

 

You need to make some hard choices now too. Do you stay and try to work it out, or do you decide to end the marriage? Not easy, and the choices don't have to be made right this second, but soon.

 

I'd seriously suggest counseling...both individual for both of you, and joint marriage counseling as well. Hang in there friend...andwhile I (like you) wish you'd never had a reason to post here, welcome to the forum!

[indigo_moon]

How is it that you came to find out about the affair (on Dec 23rd)? Did you find the info in his computer (emails, etc) or did he just come right out and admit it to you?

 

There's a good chance she's naive and doesn't even KNOW he's married. There's a million guys out there who travel for business and string women along and profess to be "separated" or "going through a divorce" or hell, some just say they're single/never married. I'm not telling you what to do but if I were in your shoes, I'd sure be tempted to make contact with her and ensure she's aware that you are his WIFE, in case she had no idea. But do something rash like this until you've had a chance to think this through.........because if he's saying he wants to remain "friends" with her and you contact her, that could be the catalyst to him leaving....because he's so hooked on her and doesn't want to lose her.

 

If there's ANY hope of your marriage surviving this, he has to STOP all contact with her (that should be a no-brainer on HIS part) because common sense would dictate that remaining in contact with your mistress while trying to repair your marriage isn't a good constructive thing to do.

 

Has he apologized? Does he seem remorseful for what he's done to you? For his lies? Or does he merely seem sorry that he's been busted?

 

Would he be willing to go for marriage counselling?

[brashgal]

He keeps saying he would like to keep her as just a friend

 

Been there, done that - now divorced. Trust me, it doesn't work.

 

what woman in there right mind is going to turn down a weekend away every few weeks, with a good looking man.

 

A woman who wants a real relationship with a man, not a series of one night stands. I don't care how good looking he is, if he comes with a wife and kids or just a wife or a live-in girlfriend - no thank you. I know there are plenty of other women out there who feel the same way.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

NO Contact is a must. This is a key element in marriagebuilders. You cannot and should not keep a lover as a friend after the affair. It is totally disrespecting to you and totally destructive to the recovery in the marriage. This should be a deal breaker for you. I would suggest that you contact a lawyer and then present this information to your husband. His choice is either No Contact totally or Divorce.

Trust me this is the way to go. I wish you luck.

[only1life]

Lady,

 

Sorry you have had to join those of us in this lousy situation.

 

First of all, decide if you truly want to keep the marriage, it sounds like you do, but make a complete decision, because it is not going to be easy either way.

 

Then if you want to make it work, think about what he is getting elsewhere. In most cases, the one who strays, does so because he (or in my case, she) found more affection somewhere other than at home. Don't blame yourself, it seems to just happen, particularly in longer marriages (mine was 25 years) and both parties are guilty. Worry about blame later. For now, think about the causes.

 

Then if you want to keep what you have, make EVERY effort to get him back where he was 18 years ago when you were both happy. This will not be easy at all, but you can do it. Woo him, romance him, cook for him, make him feel good about you, give him the affection that he has been getting elsewhere. It will take time, but if there's to be hope for your marriage, you need to prove to both of you that things can be good again, unfortunately it is up to you to do this, until he realizes that he can be happy again with you. For me, it was flowers, daily morning tea in bed, making the bed for her each morning, etc. You'll have to find things that make him realize that he has great thing going with his wife, and he is at risk of loosing it all. Then at that point, you two can start working together to fix the damage.

 

Therapy can be helpful, but it's expensive, and make sure you find a therapist who understand the complexities of an affair - many do not. What helped me was a book called "After the Affair" an easy to read paperback that put everything in perspective.

 

Good luck. Keep in touch. We can be really helpful.

[lady]

ok, let me go back a few more yrs.

a few yrs ago I had a breakdown and then was on meds for depression for several yrs. going thru that was hard on everyone in the family. I did a lot of very hurtful things. some that we are still trying to work thru.

 

in answer to indigo, I pulled a wild card and asked him if there was anyone else hoping that he would reassure me that it was not that, but he looked straight at me and said yes.

 

And yes she knew he was married before it became physical. Yes he has apologized and yes he is truely remorseful for what has happened.

 

There are so many things I feel guilty about, and no I am not saying that I feel it is my fault it has happened, but for the things I did to get us to the point he felt he needed someone else.

 

We have both went thru the motions of just living for so long we forgot to work on us and what we needed from eachother and with eachother.

 

I want and feel that for me and my peace of mind I have to try and work thru so much of this now even tho I know for my own good it would be better let some of it wait.

 

I find myself one minute wanting to go to her and just scratch her eyes out then in the hext minute wanting to thank her for getting me and him to talk more than we have in yrs.

 

I want to make this work, he is my heart and I don't even want to try and live without him but then I will NOT live with another woman in the background.

 

It helps os much just being able to talk to someone, makes me feel less alone right now.

[JenniferN]

I am jumping on the wagon here...

NO he should not, EVER in no way talk to her... if he is... he has the wrong intentions!

Also... once you decide to forgive him, you need to make sure you really do forgive him in your heart... and believe me... you won't just get over it and move on... you will dwell on it and think about it almost every day of your life....

 

My days get better... its been almost 2 years.... I still cry sometimes, it still hurts, every day is alittle easier, we are still married and I tell you my biggest battle is trying not to be to untrusting, I try my darnest to trust him and there are days I just find myself holding on by a thread.

 

I have to say being cheated on is one of the most painful things in life... you lose yourself and everything you have relied on... that basis of blind trust is gone... I went through many stages and really wish I would have had counciling to help me get through it all...So I would suggest that to you and him as well...

 

Now... you need to make sure all contact is broken off... ALL contact. Have a confirmation to the ending or there is little hope left for you and him.

 

I am very very sorry you are going through this.. it's painful... and you and him have a long long road ahead. Prepare yourself.. don't think its going to be easy.... its not...

 

my prayers are with you.

[StillHurtin]

It saddens me to see a new member here that has been betrayed by a spouse. It is the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone (except for the OW that my H had an A while we were seperated).

 

Lady, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You did nothing wrong. He chose to go to the OW when he should of been talking to you and wanting to help your marriage by going to counseling. When my H had an A I blamed myself for it but I was told it wasn't my fault. Just like being verbally or physically abused no one deserves it.

 

If your H wants this marriage to work he needs to end all contact w/ the OW and work on your marriage. Counseling, joint and seperate. I wish you the best and I hope that things work out for you.

[screamingOmelody]

I think you should insist on going to therapy and definitely he can not be friends with her. That would be a sneaky way of having his cake and eating it too. I would forgive him but never forget. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they stop lying and cheating. I have been there.

 

Maybe add some excitement to your relationship, like go on a real date, play games. There are some fun games out there. My favorite one is Lovers touch which was actually made by a sex therapist. It makes both of you communicate.

 

Best wishes.

[indigo_moon]

I only wish that the "other women/other men" and "married women/married men" involved in these affairs who post in the applicable forums here, who have no qualms about carrying on with someone who's committed themself to their partner/spouse, could feel the hurt you folks here feel......having been on the receiving end of an affair. I wish the many young girls who post here, who are all excited about having a fling with their married coworker could feel your pain and that would be enough for them to wake up and have enough respect for themself AND their fellow woman ,and stop with all this painful and selfish behavior.

[lady]

I found out a little while ago that he talked to her today. I knew he would, but I was hopeing it would be for closer but it wasn't. He just told her i knew and she said she did not want to be the cause of conflict betwwen us. Ha big joke there

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl

Bluntly, you're in a hard part of things right now. Until he makes the decision to end it with the OW, there's not much you're going to be able to do to save your marriage at the moment.

 

 

Where are all the "I am woman hear me roar" folks out there?! Why does HE get to make the decision? If she wants her marriage to work, she needs to make the decision to fight for him, at all costs. Go ahead, scratch her eyes out, threaten her, etc.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by lady

I found out a little while ago that he talked to her today. I knew he would, but I was hopeing it would be for closer but it wasn't. He just told her i knew and she said she did not want to be the cause of conflict betwwen us. Ha big joke there

 

She doesn't want to be the cause of conflict? OMG, what a dingbat. She's probably just p*ssin' her panties because now she knows YOU know - and she isn't sure what to expect in terms of fallout from you.

 

How do you know they spoke today? How did you find this out? Did he offer this information? Did you overhear it? Or did you ask him if they'd spoken and he admitted it? Who called who?

 

Are you prepared to sit him down and lay down the law?.........and tell him that if he's truly sorry and has ANY hope of repairing your marriage, that he needs to STOP all contact with her, immediately.............no phonecalls, no text messages, no email, no smoke signals, no notes by carrier pidgeon, no postcards, no snail mail, no Morris code, no communication from work, no chat, no instant messenger, etc. If he cannot understand WHY this is critical then you've really got some problems. For you NOT to lay down the law, it will send him a message that he's somewhat off the hook.....that he's now "fessed up" and is free to maintain this affair out in the open.

 

Some women in your situation have told their cheating husband that he needs to make a final phonecall to the mistress, in their presence (wife's presence)....telling the mistress straight out that he wants to save his marriage and that from that point on, all contact between them must end immediately. Would you be willing to do this? To tell him this?

 

If you're not ready to do so yet, you really need to find yourself a good marriage counsellor............and get some guidance on how to handle this situation of him feeling it's okay to maintain communication with her.

[KissMyTiara]

Lady, how many children do y'all have?

And are you sure OW is REALLY that far away?

[screamingOmelody]

Tell him that you are not going to allow this behavior. He is thinking he can get away with it and he will keep doing this madness. She is trash and he needs to get plugged into the marriage again.

 

 

 

Suggest that he call her in front of you and tell her that he does not want any more contact from her ever, because it is not fair to you and he wants to make his marriage work.

 

If you suspect him still cheating, I would follow him one day, or hire a decoy, or private detective. Life is too short to be in a poisonous relationship. Without trust you have nothing. I have been through all that, and wished I had gotten out when I could have.

 

Sometimes the embarrassment is good enough to get him to quit. Tell your in laws or others that would cause him shame.

 

I hope I don't sound ruthless....

[lady]

I asked him if he had called her, like I said I knew he would and I was hoping for the best.

 

I want to scream, yell, hit, scratch, I want to tear her in half, I want her to feel just a small amount of the tearing burning pain I felt to have him look at me so comly and tell me he had been with someone else.

I want to look her in the eye and tell her exactly what i think of her.

 

when he told me, I didn't at first react or feel anything, and then all the weekends alone and all the nights of him just rolling over and going to sleep fell into place and the world fell out from under me, and then I saw flames. and honestly like I told him if the means had of been in reach he would be a dead man.

No I have not demanded that he cut all tyes with her but I am going to do that tonight.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

Where are all the "I am woman hear me roar" folks out there?! Why does HE get to make the decision? If she wants her marriage to work, she needs to make the decision to fight for him, at all costs. Go ahead, scratch her eyes out, threaten her, etc.

 

No offense but you do realize how ironic and hypocritical it is for you, a woman openly involved with a married man, to come here and tell this woman to fight for her man and stand up to the 'other woman'? Do you think if your MM's wife confronted you and tried to whoop your ass or scratch your eyes out, you'd suddenly just come to your senses and exit stage left?

 

What would it serve for her to scratch out the eyes of her husband's mistress? Sure, it may scare her off and cause her to leave the picture.....but the affair and contact needs to end because the HUSBAND respects his wife enough to be the ONE to end it.................and if the mistress gets scared off and leaves him alone, that doesn't mean he's going to be "over her" - he may become even more obsessed because he wants her even more because he can't have her.

[lady]

we have 4 children 3 still in the home. and yes I am possitive she is that far away because I have her phone numbers I know where she lives I know where she works, I have done my home work.

[DazednConfused]

Hi Lady,

 

I have only a little time, so will post more a little later......

 

Three things......

 

First, I am sorry you are here. Welcome.

 

Second; no far reaching decisions for at least thirty days. You are both too emotional and unstable to make long term decisions at this point.

 

Third; I am with the rest of these fine people who I call my friends, his contact with her must end today. Right now. First, make him call her in front of you and tell her that their relationship is over and that she should no longer try to contact him. When he is finished, you need to speak to her as well.... calmly inform her that if she contacts him again, you will have her arrested and prosecuted as a stalker. Do not echange threats, barbs, whatever, you are above all that nonsense. Lastly, make cheating bastard husband put the demand that she no longer contact him in writing and walk it to the mailbox together.

 

There are ways to force him to end contact if he will not do so on his own, but there may be unpleasant consequences, i will address those shortly.

 

I am sorry for your situation, but take heart, many of us here have been there and can help. You are never alone again.

 

-Dazed

[lady]

I came across this site by accident today and I am so very glad I did.

 

I know in my heart that if he wants it as much as I do then we will make it. we have amde it thru to many other things not too if we both work at it.

 

there are so many things I want to ask and demand of him but at this point I am so very very afraid of pushing him to her and not me. I know if that is the decision he makes it ias not because of anything I do but because it is ultiamtely what he wants. but it does not make me any less afraid of the future

[indigo_moon]

Lady, I'm glad you found this site because you are not alone and there are many here who have been in your shoes or ARE in your shoes......

 

Check out the following website.........I have not used it personally but I know many wise people here have referred people in your shoes to check it out..........and for many who've had affairs, this site has given them the tools to work through the affair and make their marriage even stronger. It's called Marriage Builders. Go check it out, I believe there's sections there for dealing with Affairs/Infidelity..........just have a good look through it.

 

<URL removed>

 

Maybe Quankanne or SoleMate (who I believe have referred people to this helpful site) can give more information on it?

[KissMyTiara]

I don't think you realize the effect you'd have on OW if you contacted her as well. Tell him to tell her GO NC NOW and also call her yourself afterwards and threaten her, or something (I cannot ethically sanction criminal conduct, but you know what I am getting at).

 

FIGHT. FIGHT, FIGHT.

[DazednConfused]

Lady,

 

The marriage builders site can give you plenty of documentation to show your husband that all contact must stop. If he still insists on having her as a friend, (he may say it is what he HAS to do and that you will have to live with it), then you must tell him you have to do what you have to do as well. The procedure that follows is not for the weak of heart or will, and may have the consequence of driving him away for some time. It also promises your best shot at ending their affair without their cooperation.

 

One of the addictive aspects of affairs are their illicit nature, the secrecy; forbidden fruit if you will, etc. While the secret nature is part of the allure, they keep it secret because they are both ashamed. As long as noone knows what they are doing, it feels safe, comfortable even. When you take away the secret nature of their affair and the comfort of no responsibility, things lose their luster very quickly.

 

Exposure to friends and family will help to stop his straying. It may make him angry as hell, but hey, it's his mess right? You can only do this if you can be comfortable knowing that YOU are NOT at fault, nor did you deserve to be treated this way.

 

I wish you the best, keep us posted please!

 

-Dazed

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Exposure to friends and family will help to stop his straying. It may make him angry as hell, but hey, it's his mess right? You can only do this if you can be comfortable knowing that YOU are NOT at fault, nor did you deserve to be treated this way.

 

 

If your goal is to remain with this man, then this is SOOOOO NOT a good idea. He will feel betrayed. Granted, you have been betrayed, but two wrongs do not make a right. He will be livid, hurt, embarrassed, and will never get over that. If you want to push him away, fine, yeah, expose him for the creap that he is right now. If you want to retain intimacy with him, however, for NOW it has got to remain a problem within the marriage that is not discussed with others (other than a counselor, of course, or perhaps your dearest and closest friend whom you can trust to not hold it against your H later). Once you have gotten through it and you can say your marriage is stronger because of it, THEN you can open up to others. But until then, I'd keep as quiet as possible.