Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability

[Pearl27]

I have an intense fear of sex, and I think it is more than likely tied to my fear of vulnerability.

 

I am so convinced that everyone around me, particularly guys, are out to hurt me. I see guys as subhuman beings who want to destroy and manipulate every woman around. This maybe because of the lousy relationship with my father, or from the paranoia I developed in high school when you see what a**holes guys can be. It also could very well be linked to all the bullying I received growing up. I learned that if you're weak, anyone would look to hurt you. So-called friends will manipulate and stab you in the back. I learned not to trust anyone, and since I'm geared towards men, I developed a stronger barrier between me and them so I wouldn't have to worry about being hurt by them. I mean, why not? By being heterosexual, I'm naturally going to be emotionally attached and vulnerable to guys, so I need to protect myself from falling into a trap and caught in a spiderweb of lies, deceit and possibly abuse.

 

Unfortunately, the results have made me despise sex. I can't get turned on when watching sex scenes in movies. I'm practically asexual now, and I was interested very much in sex as a young teen, before paranoia set in. I feel like a freak but no way in hell am I going to vulnerable to someone who will only hurt me.

 

I need to find ways to fight back. Instead of closing myself off, putting thick walls around me, and being avoidant, I need to learn new ways of interacting with people. I never learned how to navigate the complexity of socializing with others, hence why I was bullied. I don't want to be a hermit or a virgin forever, so I need advice on how to protect myself better. I realize vulnerability comes into play here, and that really sucks because you are bound to get hurt, but if I can avoid vulnerability as much as possible while still being able to socialize and eventually have sex, that would be great.

[d0nnivain]

Most men grow up & are much better than the high school boys they used to be.

 

You need to find some techniques to see the good in people.

 

If you think part of your delimma comes from your relationship with your father growing up, get some therapy to help you work through it.

[Pearl27]

Most men grow up & are much better than the high school boys they used to be.

 

You need to find some techniques to see the good in people.

 

If you think part of your delimma comes from your relationship with your father growing up, get some therapy to help you work through it.

 

I am in therapy over my relationship with my dad.

 

As for seeing the good in people, how can you be sure that the "goodness" is not all an act in order to make people think they are good when they really are not? Some people are very manipulative and deceitful.

[mikei880]

The two people in your life that can harm you the most emotionally are your mother and father. Or maybe how you interpret the lessons they teach you.... in your case add on some bad experiences with men later in life and you find yourself at this point... I have a firm belief in therapy coupled with self improvement outside of therapy. Try to find a therapist that specializes in female empowerment , you may have to search around to find one that meshes well with you. Give it time and work on yourself. There are plenty of good guys out there! Good luck Pearl....

[d0nnivain]

I am in therapy over my relationship with my dad.

 

As for seeing the good in people, how can you be sure that the "goodness" is not all an act in order to make people think they are good when they really are not? Some people are very manipulative and deceitful.

 

I believe that more people are fundamentally good. I think the ones who are manipulative & deceitful are the minority. Also once I detect those qualities in someone, I get them out of my life as quickly as possible.

[Pearl27]

The two people in your life that can harm you the most emotionally are your mother and father. Or maybe how you interpret the lessons they teach you.... in your case add on some bad experiences with men later in life and you find yourself at this point... I have a firm belief in therapy coupled with self improvement outside of therapy. Try to find a therapist that specializes in female empowerment , you may have to search around to find one that meshes well with you. Give it time and work on yourself. There are plenty of good guys out there! Good luck Pearl....

 

They harmed me by not emotionally equipping me for life. They never taught me how to socialize or deal with bullies. They told me it was my fault that I was being teased. Never did they ever teach me self-esteem, confidence or anything to strengthen me in life. It also didn't help that my dad especially was/is emotionally abusive. Because of him, I fear any sense of anger in men (we all get angry, of course, but any hint of frustration or annoyance in men scares me). Also because of him, any time a guy tells me how to dress, how to wear my hair, etc. I dump him immediately. My dad still tries to dictate how I look or how I live my life, so I can't tolerate any suggestion from a guy. Actually, I don't think I can tell the difference between a suggestion or an order.

[Pearl27]

I believe that more people are fundamentally good. I think the ones who are manipulative & deceitful are the minority. Also once I detect those qualities in someone, I get them out of my life as quickly as possible.

 

Yeah, I still see the world in a black and white sense, from a child's point of view. There are huge shades of gray in the world. That's where I have trouble being around people.

[Weezy1973]

Unfortunately, one can't experience the joys of being in an intimate relationship (and I don't just mean sex) without being vulnerable. What you are going to have to learn is that even if you do get hurt, you will survive. If someone treats you badly, it absolutely does not mean you're a bad person. That is on them.

 

Therapy is a good place to start, but eventually you're going to have to start putting yourself out there and taking some risks. It's really the only way to overcome a fear - any fear - including fear of intimacy or vulnerability.

[SpiralOut]

so I need advice on how to protect myself better.

 

You already know what you need to do, which is half the battle.

 

Is your therapist teaching you assertiveness techniques, or has he/she directed you to other organizations that teach assertiveness?

 

Have you read any books on boundaries? This one is good.

 

Have you read any books for adult survivors of emotional abuse? I can't suggest any, since my emotional abuser was my mother not my father, but I found it hugely validating to read a book on it.

 

Aaand not to keep throwing books at you (even though that's kind of what I'm doing) I'll also recommend Women Who Run with the Wolves. It is not a self-help book exactly, but it talks about the female soul, how to know if it has been damaged, and how to fix the damage. If you don't want to buy it, check the library to see if they have a copy.

 

Do you do any exercise? Yoga or meditation are good. It encourages us to be kind to ourselves. When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, we learn what sort of treatment we deserve from others and our judgement of others improves.

Edited November 23, 2013 by SpiralOut

[FitChick]

There are asexual men and people on here have mentioned asexual forums where you can meet them. You can have a gay man as a friend, especially if he is Christian and not out of the closet. Might work out well as a couple.

[Pearl27]

Unfortunately, one can't experience the joys of being in an intimate relationship (and I don't just mean sex) without being vulnerable. What you are going to have to learn is that even if you do get hurt, you will survive. If someone treats you badly, it absolutely does not mean you're a bad person. That is on them.

 

Therapy is a good place to start, but eventually you're going to have to start putting yourself out there and taking some risks. It's really the only way to overcome a fear - any fear - including fear of intimacy or vulnerability.

 

I've heard that everyone is vulnerable no matter what, and the only way to avoid vulnerability is to be house-bound and never interact with anyone.

 

I just need to work on boundaries and realize I have a right to say no when it works for me.

[Pearl27]

You already know what you need to do, which is half the battle.

 

Is your therapist teaching you assertiveness techniques, or has he/she directed you to other organizations that teach assertiveness?

 

Have you read any books on boundaries? This one is good.

 

Have you read any books for adult survivors of emotional abuse? I can't suggest any, since my emotional abuser was my mother not my father, but I found it hugely validating to read a book on it.

 

Aaand not to keep throwing books at you (even though that's kind of what I'm doing) I'll also recommend Women Who Run with the Wolves. It is not a self-help book exactly, but it talks about the female soul, how to know if it has been damaged, and how to fix the damage. If you don't want to buy it, check the library to see if they have a copy.

 

Do you do any exercise? Yoga or meditation are good. It encourages us to be kind to ourselves. When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, we learn what sort of treatment we deserve from others and our judgement of others improves.

 

True, I need to establish boundaries. I'm realizing that a lot lately.

 

I do yoga sometimes. But sometimes, I'm too pissed to even concentrate or go with the peaceful session. It can little things that irritate me. Also, the studio I go to gets crowded and its hard to move and it gets hot quick (and its not bikram yoga).

 

 

There are asexual men and people on here have mentioned asexual forums where you can meet them. You can have a gay man as a friend, especially if he is Christian and not out of the closet. Might work out well as a couple.

 

But I'm not asexual, and I've said so in my first post. My sexual interest has been ruined by fear and distrust in people, particularly guys. I also wouldn't want a gay friend to be afraid to come out of the closet. Were you suggesting that I take advantage of his situation?

[todreaminblue]

I am not afraid if sex......maybe i should eb but i am not...i have an intense fear of making love because only then am i vulnerable i am there with the person who i smakign love with me.....my technique for not fearing sex was rather easy to develop ....alcohol and the ability to disassociate my body from my spirit i go elsewhere when i have sex...or someone rapes me.....unfortunately i have no control on this it happens fast i joked to a therapist once that i dont have to worry about being murdered because i know without a doubt my spirit wont be feeling it.......

 

 

i remember when i gave birth i wasnt making any noise while having contractions and a nurse was saying doctor is she all right she isnt doing anything she is goign through a major contraction he just said she is in lalala land dotn worry ...i was there .....i just wasnt feeling the pain.......seems unreal doesnt it....but its true......i dont feel pain comes from having times through my life i have had multiple abuse...sexual trauma.....

 

i do understand what you feel as in fear of making love as i said the time a guy gets to me is when i am vulnerable and if i love them i am vulnerable because when i love soemone i care about them deeply when they touch me kiss me....i melt.......

 

 

i do trust people i have found people who hurt others are as another poster said in the minority adn everyone gets scared when they love someone if you didnt it wouldnet be natural.....its nto natural what happens to me when i am abused or feel threatened.........my body freezes......especially in situations where i have to mediate a fight between aggressive men......i normally get hit because my body is just a shell.....i can hear what is going on i am sometimes even trying to talk them around to stand down......but i am numb waiting for the hit to come its why i dont really fear guys with knives ....something takes over and something in me leaves.......i think its gods way of helping me out........

 

therapy is key........you can work on this.....determine whether it is the act or the emotion of intimacy that you have problems with, i dont suggest you disassociate couldnt tell you how to anyway i dont know myself how i do it......it is actually a pretty risky way to be...i have no fear of sex or men who could actually hurt me physically more men who can hurt my heart.....its one of the reasons i believe they have misdiagnosed me........as schizo affective...i think i am a multiple........i actually dont think i am crazy i think i am one big coping mechanism due to trauma repeated over and over again somewhere in there or here or wherever i am ....my inner child is protected and surrounded in loving arms...protect your inner child...talk it out with a compassionate therapist.....i do believe i can love soemone ...in fact .....i am loyal to a fault.........and making love to me once i trust someone...there isnt anything more beautiful in how i am or how they are with me.............

 

 

you need to find what it is that you fear the act or the emotion...........deb

Edited November 23, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Nikki Sahagin]

I used to think like you.

 

I had a MASSIVE sex drive, but believed 'all men are a waste of time and none of them are worth me. None of them deserve to have sex with me because they are evil and nasty'.

 

I basically masturbated a whole lot. You don't need another person to experience pleasure. There are so many ways a woman can pleasure herself alone and it's definitely fun and there is no vulnerability/trust/exploitation involved. This might be a good way for you to express your repressed sexuality (that you have repressed because you see it as a threat to you). You do not NEED to share your sexuality with another person, EVER, if you so choose, but you should express it with yourself

 

If you decide you want to have a sexual relationship, it might be useful to have some therapy.

 

I don't blame you for feeling this way. Sex can and has been used as one of the most destructive to ols against people: rape, abuse, humiliation, shame, unwanted pregnancy, disease....HOWEVER....this is only ONE side. You do NOT need to engage in sexuality of this kind.

 

It will take time for you to find a male partner whom you may feel comfortable to trust in this way. Do not be rushed into this. Until then, enjoy your sexuality yourself. As I said, it's not something that NEEDS to be shared with a partner if you do not want to.

[Pearl27]

I've calmed down since this morning. I do have a lot of rage in me because of all the pain I've been through. But blaming the whole world for being a mess and everyone being an a**hole isn't the wisest move.

 

Believe it or not, I went on a date last week and this week, the guy and I a meetup group we are both part of, though we arrived separately and didn't make it too obvious that we went on a date. However, I felt the guy was a little. I told him earlier this week that I'm only looking for something casual. He said he wants something serious but accepts what I want. He is polite and a gentleman, and seems well-liked by some of the other women.

 

But I'm not really ready to get serious with anyone. I still have serious trust issues and I'm strong enough to be vulnerable with anyone. I feel bad that I may have to break this off altogether because he seems like a nice guy. I can only have this as casual and if he pushes for us to be more exclusive, then I'll break it off.

 

I don't know what I want in a guy or in a relationship. I feel like the best guy for me is someone struggling to overcome personal issues myself, though not addiction or legal problems or whatever. I don't know about this one, but I feel he doesn't have the same issues, though who knows? I probably shouldn't date at all, but that would make me a hermit. And how do I turn down dates? "Sorry, I'm messed up!" I certainly don't want to make it known I'm working out some problems. I also don't think anyone with problems should date until they got those problems sorted out because a) you won't make wise dating choices and b) not everyone is kind to those with issues. I've had guys reject me once I told them I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety.

 

So I don't know what to do. Time is passing me by but I'm still a mess.

[FitChick]

Telling a guy you are only looking for something casual is dating code for you only want sex, not a serious boyfriend. What you should have said was that you are only looking for platonic friends. No sex = platonic.

[Pearl27]

Telling a guy you are only looking for something casual is dating code for you only want sex, not a serious boyfriend. What you should have said was that you are only looking for platonic friends. No sex = platonic.

 

Yeah I realize that. I realized I was only kidding myself yesterday and this morning I woke up hating all intimacy. Now it looks like I got myself stuck in a rut now with this guy.

 

ETA: come to think of it, I'm a little confused with him. I said I wanted this to be casual, and he said he accepted it. Yet, he spent most of tonight next to me and talking to me. Is that a sign he is not going to accept that this won't be serious?

Edited November 24, 2013 by Pearl27

[goldengirl11]

Hi OP - I felt that I had to drop you a line. I feel for you so much, I really do. And can also identify myself with you too. I'm now 35 and although things aren't so bad now I guess (still single though), it's coming up to about 3 years ago, when I regretted getting intimate with someone who I really liked as quickly, mainly because I tensed up sexually (v embarrassing) because I didn't trust him. Shortly after, he started dating someone else from college and seemed to keep me as a back up plan via text and e-mail, until they were going out - what I feared. Please don't feel forced to get intimate with someone like I did in fear of losing them if you don't. It will no doubt cause more harm than good, particularly to your self esteem. I hope you can talk to your future partner/date about these feelings if you wanted to. Wishing you lots of luck.

[Pearl27]

Hi OP - I felt that I had to drop you a line. I feel for you so much, I really do. And can also identify myself with you too. I'm now 35 and although things aren't so bad now I guess (still single though), it's coming up to about 3 years ago, when I regretted getting intimate with someone who I really liked as quickly, mainly because I tensed up sexually (v embarrassing) because I didn't trust him. Shortly after, he started dating someone else from college and seemed to keep me as a back up plan via text and e-mail, until they were going out - what I feared. Please don't feel forced to get intimate with someone like I did in fear of losing them if you don't. It will no doubt cause more harm than good, particularly to your self esteem. I hope you can talk to your future partner/date about these feelings if you wanted to. Wishing you lots of luck.

 

I actually don't feel the need to have sex to keep anyone; I've never felt that way before or did such a thing. I've been a loner for most of my life anyway.

 

 

Today, I kind of realized that I need to let go of my hurt and begin to heal. I'm not sure how to let go of my pain though, but I'm checking out websites to find ways to do so. I can't go on like this forever.

[Kansas87]

As for seeing the good in people, how can you be sure that the "goodness" is not all an act in order to make people think they are good when they really are not? Some people are very manipulative and deceitful.

 

Sometimes when I start to think things like this I just put myself in their shoes. Would I, a normal person, do something like that? No, I wouldn't. There are WAY more good people than nasty people in the world, despite what you see on the news. The majority of people out there are actually pretty nice. They're more like you than you think.

 

I would really advise you to bring this up with your therapist. You're definitely not describing a normal level of emotional paranoia here. Your therapist can help you as long as you are open to receiving help

[Pearl27]

 

your therapist should be asking you questions like 'pearl, do you feel worthy of love?' if you ask that voice that wants to live these kinds of questions, it will get the attention needed, & get strong enough to make a way for you out of this mess, toward seeking love with the confidence, the belief in yourself, that you can & will survive & manage whatever heartache comes.

 

j

 

I don't know I feel worthy of love. Probably not because I never felt that way. I am slowly starting to realize that I am a good person and people see me as such. Its kind of strange that I'm slowly seeing myself in a positive light. I've always saw myself as a failure, a bad person, a crazy bitch who couldn't do anything right. Scary and strange as it feels, it does feel good to see myself in a positive light, however small.

 

I am taking small steps to being a stronger, mentally sound person. My setbacks make me feel as if I'm getting nowhere. And sometimes it feels like when I am improving, I discover another problem that I have. Like this week, I took major steps in asserting myself more. Yet, I realized that I don't know how to truly give and take, at least at work. I'm not a full on team player, and more of one of the sidelines. I guess this is what happens when you get over one hurdle, another challenge comes along to teach more life lessons.

 

On a personal level, I'm actually fathoming the idea of choosing friends not on how nice they are and considerate, but what they can do for me. Basically, create a support circle for myself, one I could always count on and really invest myself into.

 

However, it is frustrating dealing with my demons. Sometimes I wonder if I need my demons to drawn out of me in an almost exorcism, though not the religious kind. I guess what I mean there is I need some serious healing to do, though I don't how or who to rely on for that. But do I need to heal? Or do I just need to grow up, get a life and get a grip?

 

I think the confusion here is a problem.

[msat]

Whats interesting is that you have described a situation that to a certain extent mirrors my own personal struggle. My mother and I were estranged for 13 years from the time I was 15 yrs old. I had discovered she was cheating on my father and this really did a number on my perception of women. Here stood the leading woman figure in my life totally letting me down. I felt betrayed and I began to hate women.

We have since re-established a relationship, however, I still carry a lot of that baggage today. I am currently engaged in a celibate/asexual lifestyle and quite frankly I intend on keeping it this way for the foreseeable future. I've come to recognize that I am in fact not a very nice person. I am selfish, vain, incredibly terse and have little to no emotional maturity.For a lack of better words, I am a dick/*******. I too am terrified of being intimate with someone and I also find the idea of me having sex, revolting!