Wife wants Divorce. I do Not.

[burning heart]

Hello. I'm looking for advice, help, and guidance.

 

My wife and I have been having trouble for sometime. I haven't been living up to my duties as a husband. I haven't respected, acknowlwdged, complimented, given bad looks, upset when I feel she wasn't doing enough for the house, haven't satisfied emotion needs, listened, etc.

 

I have hurt her so much. These behaviors have occured before. We would talk, work it out, and I would return to old behaviors after some months. She feels lonely and extremely hurt. I allow myself to get to stressed out from work and other things. I've lost sight of what's important and took this out on her. Our communication had turned into me complaining constantly. Putting my stress and worry on her. Another problem.

 

She has left our house to stay at her parents. She wanted a break. At the time it wasn't a break from our marriage but a break from our surroundings and me. Time to think and find herself again. It hurt but I understood she wanted time and space.

 

After a week of being away (a few days ago) she called to have a talk. She imformed me that she wanted a divorce. She was too hurt by my actions and behavior once again. I expressed that I do not want a divorce, I want to work things out. I let her know what I have been doing since she left. She noticed. She wanted me to respect her decision and that she doesn't feel like trying again. I have caused too much pain. She has tried to tell me she was hurting and what I was doing and how I wasn't hearing her. I proceeded to tell her that I know I have hurt her, the damage I caused, and believe we could repair our marriage, fix bad behaviors and so on, and that I love her. She knows how I feel about her, repairing our marriage, and I don't want a divorce. That's all I could do. She was done talking about it. She said she loves me and misses me. She feels like she has lost herself, is suffocating, and hurt by the pain I caused.

 

Since then she has taken off her Married staus on a social media outlet and changed to her maiden name. This hurt my heart. I let it go and didn't say anything about it. Later in the day I sent a short, simple, somewhat funny message. Nothing about us or our relationship other than it was something with the house. Her response was that I was upsetting her. She wants me to leave her alone. Since then I have not posted anything.

 

It appears that she is friends again with a girlfriend she had a falling out with, listening to music and doing things she hasn't done for sometime, visiting friends and places she hasn't been able to. I thought this was a good thing for her but I also believe some of these friends may be pushing her to the decision of divorce. I also believe she may have entertained the thought herself. I hurt her and wasn't changing when she tried to tell me. She felt it and is serious enough to tell me she wanted one.

 

I've been doing a lot of self help, reading marriage books as well, keeping busy, and working on myself. During this process I have accepted my faults, what I've done to damage our marriage, my bad behaviors, and how much I hurt her. I would like counseling, for myself and us, I don't want to divorce but try again. She doesn't want to talk or have contact. I have to respect that but feel I have take action before it all is too late. But I am trying remain calm and give her this freedom and space.

[burning heart]

Also,

 

We have been married nearly 3 years. No children, just pets.

 

I have found through my research and reading that I could write a letter stating I know what I did wrong but not focusing on me, how she hurt, wait on the divorce, actions to take, therapy, validate her feelings and if no way of reconciliation then maybe divorce is the way.

 

If there is no hope then this will end in the divorce or open up communication to move forward together.

 

I have mixed feelings on the letter but it may be a good idea. A problem we have is that she feels that I do not fully listen to her and her feelings. This letter would state that I do and know my wrong. Leaving it up to her to decide if this is what she wants. Then give more time and space.

[d0nnivain]

Beg her to go to marraige counseling. Enlist the help of family members if you must.

 

Unlike a dating relationship, I don't think you should give up on marriage without a fight (unless there was abuse involved)

[burning heart]

Thank you.

 

I do not want to give up.

 

I am working on the letter but unsure it'll help or worsen things.

 

I'm not sure if she would be open to marriage counseling.

 

My mother-in-law called to see how I was doing and she was thinking of me. I was out of the house and haven't returned her call. Wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I need to call out of respect for my in law though.

[d0nnivain]

call the mother in law. You may have an ally

[burning heart]

I will build up the courage today. She doesn't like to stay on the phone very long so I think I would have to get quick to the point. Not sure exactly why she called. I thought I shouldn't talk to her about our marriage...

 

She always thought I was good for her daughter and I believe she will give me the time. She knows our situation. They are in the same house so she may talk to her. I don't want my wife to be angry at me for calling her mom.

[RightThere]

Google up the "walk away wife syndrome". It will give you a bit better perspective on what she's going through.

[burning heart]

I see. I am worried about giving too much time and space that it may be too late to reconcile.

 

She seems to be emotionally disconnecting from me and our marriage.

[carhill]

IMO, if all this, meaning the moving to parents and conversations, were done in a calm manner, then she's been checked out emotionally for some time.

 

Personally, having gone through MC and a divorce, if faced with this, I'd simply call my lawyer, file, have her served and request mediation, then listen to her response. If she was amenable to MC, then that. Otherwise, mediation and get her down the road. Concurrently, if I was identifying personal issues like you have, I'd engage our MC to work on those. We did that, in MC, but I'd do it alone if my spouse wasn't interested. She has her life and I have mine and neither is more important than the other.

 

Good luck.

[BlametheIrish]

Be proactive. Get into.counceling yourself to find out why you keep sabatoging the relationship. It's one thing to.say you're going to.change and quite another to.actually work towards a permanent one.

 

This might show her you're really serious about changing this time.

[burning heart]

She was very emotional on the phone when she said she wants a divorce. We both cried and some talking about the situation was done. She expressed her pain and that she tried to tell me. She loves and misses me.

 

Now she doesn't want to talk so I don't know how to get through other than her mother. I still think she will be pissed if I call her. I have written a letter to her. I want to edit it before sending it but I'm not sure on time period.

[burning heart]

We decided to have a family and work on a baby. That was a few months ago. We have tried.

 

I will be looking for a therapist soon. I would like to be able to ask her to join me in MC.

 

I'd like to get her mother's opinion and think that will help me to drop it or keep wanting to reconcile.

[revitup]

Hello. I'm looking for advice, help, and guidance.

 

My wife and I have been having trouble for sometime. I haven't been living up to my duties as a husband. I haven't respected, acknowlwdged, complimented, given bad looks, upset when I feel she wasn't doing enough for the house, haven't satisfied emotion needs, listened, etc.

 

I have hurt her so much. These behaviors have occured before. We would talk, work it out, and I would return to old behaviors after some months. She feels lonely and extremely hurt. I allow myself to get to stressed out from work and other things. I've lost sight of what's important and took this out on her. Our communication had turned into me complaining constantly. Putting my stress and worry on her. Another problem.

 

She has left our house to stay at her parents. She wanted a break. At the time it wasn't a break from our marriage but a break from our surroundings and me. Time to think and find herself again. It hurt but I understood she wanted time and space.

 

After a week of being away (a few days ago) she called to have a talk. She imformed me that she wanted a divorce. She was too hurt by my actions and behavior once again. I expressed that I do not want a divorce, I want to work things out. I let her know what I have been doing since she left. She noticed. She wanted me to respect her decision and that she doesn't feel like trying again. I have caused too much pain. She has tried to tell me she was hurting and what I was doing and how I wasn't hearing her. I proceeded to tell her that I know I have hurt her, the damage I caused, and believe we could repair our marriage, fix bad behaviors and so on, and that I love her. She knows how I feel about her, repairing our marriage, and I don't want a divorce. That's all I could do. She was done talking about it. She said she loves me and misses me. She feels like she has lost herself, is suffocating, and hurt by the pain I caused.

 

Since then she has taken off her Married staus on a social media outlet and changed to her maiden name. This hurt my heart. I let it go and didn't say anything about it. Later in the day I sent a short, simple, somewhat funny message. Nothing about us or our relationship other than it was something with the house. Her response was that I was upsetting her. She wants me to leave her alone. Since then I have not posted anything.

 

It appears that she is friends again with a girlfriend she had a falling out with, listening to music and doing things she hasn't done for sometime, visiting friends and places she hasn't been able to. I thought this was a good thing for her but I also believe some of these friends may be pushing her to the decision of divorce. I also believe she may have entertained the thought herself. I hurt her and wasn't changing when she tried to tell me. She felt it and is serious enough to tell me she wanted one.

 

I've been doing a lot of self help, reading marriage books as well, keeping busy, and working on myself. During this process I have accepted my faults, what I've done to damage our marriage, my bad behaviors, and how much I hurt her. I would like counseling, for myself and us, I don't want to divorce but try again. She doesn't want to talk or have contact. I have to respect that but feel I have take action before it all is too late. But I am trying remain calm and give her this freedom and space.

 

 

Wish it didn't happen to you brother.

 

The FB status switch and leave me alone is a HUGE deal for me in your story.

 

My bet is she has a "friend" and sometime soon he will come up in this conversation.Hopefully that's not the case but most likely it is just that simple.

 

You haven't really explained how things were in your marriage before this happened.How did your W behave in the beginning and when exactly do you feel you caused all of this to begin going downhill?

 

I ask because you are taking all of the blame in this and really being hard on yourself.Wayward Wives (I know) have a way of blame shifting and making the spouse feel it's all their fault.

 

Hang in there and know it's NEVER ONLY one persons fault when things fall apart.

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

I'm stuck.

 

Some say give it another week.

I still feel I need to call my in law back out of respect. Not knowing if we'll talk about our marriage or not. I probably shouldn't ask anything just answer questions. But I would like her take on the situation as well.

 

I feel she's being talked into the divorce by friends. Ones that don't really like me. Ones that don't have any good relationships themselves. To cut me off and out of her life.

[revitup]

We decided to have a family and work on a baby. That was a few months ago. We have tried.

 

I will be looking for a therapist soon. I would like to be able to ask her to join me in MC.

 

I'd like to get her mother's opinion and think that will help me to drop it or keep wanting to reconcile.

 

 

NOPE...........

 

Make your decision based on what YOU and YOU alone think and stick with it.

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

Our marriage had been a great one. Just every so often because of work and other stress I put on myself would close me off. Then she would close off. Then we would talk, take a short vacation and everything would be great again. But it would repeat. My bad behaviors would come back, etc.

 

I really doubt there is a OM but realise it may be so. Trying to prepare for that.

 

She's been gone for ten days. The 7th day she told me about divorcing. There seemed to be a not so sure sound to her voice. Then again she is so hurt.

 

She's tried and tried to talk to me and I wasn't hearing what she was asking of me. She was too afraid to say anything and I was only complaining about everything else. Our communication failed. She is fed up. I believe it's workable but she has to want it too.

[Grumpybutfun]

burning heart:

What exactly (specifically) are her complaints in her words because this seems like an overreaction from her at only 3 years into a marriage?

Grumps

[revitup]

Our marriage had been a great one. Just every so often because of work and other stress I put on myself would close me off. Then she would close off. Then we would talk, take a short vacation and everything would be great again. But it would repeat. My bad behaviors would come back, etc.

 

I really doubt there is a OM but realise it may be so. Trying to prepare for that.

 

She's been gone for ten days. The 7th day she told me about divorcing. There seemed to be a not so sure sound to her voice. Then again she is so hurt.

 

She's tried and tried to talk to me and I wasn't hearing what she was asking of me. She was too afraid to say anything and I was only complaining about everything else. Our communication failed. She is fed up. I believe it's workable but she has to want it too.

 

 

Okay brother,The bold statements are the hidden factors in your wood pile.

 

What do these things mean?

What are you not telling us?

Why was she afraid?

Why were you complaining and about what?

Why is she so hurt?

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

She thought I resented her, thought I was mad if she didn't help with the housework, I would give mean looks at times, I stopped being affectionate, less sex but we talked about a baby, I never listen, she didn't think I was attracted to her anymore, I don't respect her or her fellings, we mostly did the things I wanted and I would be grumpy otherwise, she needs more alone time and time with friends, we stopped talking about anything of importance, no real dates anymore-plans but didn't do, and all the husband duties I should've been doing. And this is why she is so hurt.

 

This has been going on a few times in our marriage.

 

I worked a lot and stress about it. We both would be exhausted. After a vacation things were good again.

 

She was afraid of telling me anything in case we fought or I wouldn't listen because I didn't before. Or I would start a change but then fall back again.

Edited November 23, 2013 by burning heart

[revitup]

She thought I resented her, thought I was mad if she didn't help with the housework, I would give mean looks at times, I stopped being affectionate, less sex but we talked about a baby, I never listen, she didn't think I was attracted to her anymore, I don't respect her or her fellings, we mostly did the things I wanted and I would be grumpy otherwise, she needs more alone time and time with friends, we stopped talking about anything of importance, no real dates anymore-plans but didn't do, and all the husband duties I should've been doing. And this is why she is so hurt.

 

This has been going on a few times in our marriage.

 

I worked a lot and stress about it. We both would be exhausted. After a vacation things were good again.

 

She was afraid of telling me anything in case we fought or I wouldn't listen because I didn't before. Or I would start a change but then fall back again.

 

You need to read my original thread......

 

It seems that you,like many of us men,worked hard and were MEN.You see as one of these MEN we don't always do everything perfectly and then we are hard on ourselves about it when confronted by a WOMAN who evidently (My STBXWW anyway) is PERFECT.

 

The hindsight of a very insecure W who is going Wayward on a man is 20/20....If you were at home and always doing exactly what she "thought" you should be doing,it would be a matter of your "not providing" as your duty as a MAN dictates.

 

I see things in this which say your W has some problems all her own.

 

Just because "SHE THOUGHT" doesn't necessarily mean anything.

 

That being said,the word "FEELINGS" will or can be a trap in and of themselves.When the STBXWW wanted to avoid conversation about a screw up on her part or how I needed anything.....her FEELINGS would always trump any LOGIC and or FACT.

 

Hey,maybe you are a jackwad,I don't know.I just know you worked hard,paid for vacations,provided financially,made plans and did the housework!

 

I also know my STBXWW used a very similar "I didn't tell you because........" strategy on me and it worked,for many years,not now!

 

That's just a way of lying by omission and that's all it is!!

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

Ahh. Well, that's what was said. And was said before and I didn't stick with changing my ways.

 

When she first left it was just a break. A mini vacation for her. I was not expecting the divorce call at all. I knew we had things to work on but it took me back.

 

There has been little to no contact since she left. I did try to call my in law but no answer. I know her mom wants us to happy and she will defend her daughter. I'm sure she also knows I didn't mean to act this way.

 

I thought if she went away she would find herself, see friends, and have fun. Returning refreshed and ready to work on us. Now I think it has all worked against me or worked for her to get out.

 

I want to be together again. I believe we can work it out.

[revitup]

Brother, you have to go covert now.Just stay silent and do not contact or get online and search endlessly for hints as to her "feelings".

 

If she ever loved you,you will see it her eyes but on her terms.

 

She may or may not be up to anything.It doesn't matter at this point,you are PRESSED.

 

You do realize a woman will not LOVE a man she doesn't respect and she will NEVER respect a man who bows down and takes the fall for what appears to be her fault as well as yours.

 

Go a different direction and be very hard to find for a while.

 

REVITUP

[Grumpybutfun]

bh:

Does your wife work a job? Is she younger than you? Ages?

G

[lollipopspot]

You do realize a woman will not LOVE a man she doesn't respect and she will NEVER respect a man who bows down and takes the fall for what appears to be her fault as well as yours.

 

Go a different direction and be very hard to find for a while.

 

Your posts are reading a lot into his situation. I don't think he's said enough to indicate that his situation is like yours. What he says about the way he treated her is in fact pretty negative and I wouldn't necessarily want to stay around for it either. Unless I was really screwing up too, he'd have to show me that he had changed. Going no contact would show me nothing.

[burning heart]

I'm 35, she's 34. She does not work.

 

So No contact, or very little contact? That's a problem I'm having.

 

She is suppose to miss me and everything we had. Seems like she's trying to forget. Even a funny text sets her off. So how could I show any progress or change that I'm actually doing, or that I'm serious?

 

I have been pretty negative. I understand that hurts.