revitup Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 Brother,You keep trickle truthing us here! Your W never worked,same situation before with leave and "Find herself",FB ina a freaking relationship with nasty dude? If you call this woman I will hunt you down and turn your underware around backwards myself-So the hole will be in the back! Get the point? She is screwing you and renting space in your head for free,believe it. In the next few days or maybe just after Christmas she will call and explain how she has now started to remember all the good things about you.Do not bite. This woman is playing some schmuck for some Christmas gifts and attention,she is playing you without suiting up! All she has to do is check her missed calls and text messages and she knows she has you by the nads. Do whatever feels right or do the right thing and avoid any contact with her or her family until Jan 1 2014. If it fails to produce results....you have lost nothing.I will give your money back. REVITUP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 And no Christmas gifts for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) I hear you. The last text was I'll figure out a time for her to call. It's been almost 48 hours. NC from her either. Christmas gifts?... I ordered most gifts early/mid November before she she left. They've been arriving since. That sucks. Edited December 6, 2013 by burning heart Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Save them for next year. It will probably be better for all of us by then. I hope so. Put them in the closet and give them to another girl next Christmas. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Burning Heart- You will be a better man soon.You will know how strong and confident you can be and you will be grateful for that which hurts today. REV 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 Thank you. I'm readin. I'm still confused. So don't call or answer to let her tell me about OM? If it's to ease her mind or guilt I don't think I should. Unless it was to work to reconcilation. What if she's pregnant? If it was this I think there would've been a message. I know NC is for me but if NC pushes her further away when she is trying to contact me, what then? Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Thank you. I'm readin. I'm still confused. So don't call or answer to let her tell me about OM? If it's to ease her mind or guilt I don't think I should. Unless it was to work to reconcilation. What if she's pregnant? If it was this I think there would've been a message. I know NC is for me but if NC pushes her further away when she is trying to contact me, what then? Don't ask these questions! Look bro it doesn't matter why she is calling,you can't trust yourself now.You certainly can't trust her now. Let it go until New Years Day! See then how you feel.I believe you will have an eye opener by that time. If she is pregnant - who cares? If she wants to "reconcile" it will be because she is worn out and wants a little R&R on your dime! Don't let that happen.She needs to grow up and you are not her parent. NO CONTACT and no searching FB! REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) No FB. No snooping. I want to reconcile. I want to work on our issues. I know I must work on me first. And she needs to face her faults, decisions, and responsibilities. She called as I posted this. No message. I told you she would. Edited December 6, 2013 by burning heart Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 Any more advice? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Call her! Just have a conversation with her and see what she says. Whatever it is you can respond with " I'll give it some thought". Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 6, 2013 Author Share Posted December 6, 2013 If it's affair talk... The avoidance part is ridiculous on both sides. I don't want to hear it but I guess it needs to get done. I do want us to be together again. NC feels like it's showing I don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenhearted1971 Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 If she still loves you and misses you are lucky, mine doesn't. Give her space to breathe, change your ways, and GO to therapy. Don't stalk her, and stay positive. We are in same boat. It's been 4 months of HELL! We have have a 3 year old son who I love very much, and hope and pray she changes her mind. At least mine still has my name name, and is married on the social media page (grateful). I hope we can find happiness either with or without or significant others. Link to post Share on other sites
Split open Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 (edited) My wife left me behind October 25th. So a month and a half ago. She actually forced me out of our home through abusive manipulation. I should have dug in my heels and insisted we go to counseling. But the way I saw it, was either she was gunna file for divorce if I didn't agree with the separation. Last weekend I found out from my 4 year old daughter about the OM in her life. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she's been seeing someone since I left. In her eyes "I walked out." It's total bull****. I know she had feelings for this guy and pushed me out so she could be free to see him in our home. Now we are moving into mediation cause she is way done. She has all the money so I am basically hoping for a handout and half custody at this point. She blames me for everything. Yet she still says she loves me and misses me , but sees a future with this new guy. She says she hasn't been happy for a long time and doesn't think she will ever be with me. She's lost in the fantasy... I have been cycling hard through the grief stages. Trying to move toward acceptance, but fall into denial, anger...depression frequently. I can't sleep well since finding out about OM. This is the worst experience of my life, exacerbated by seeing my poor daughters 3+4 suffer through the loss of losing their daddy from their home. Her parents know about the OM and are giving me sympathy, I am hoping they will help me financially... I dunno if she will ever want me back. I like to hope so, but maybe someday I'll find something better for myself. Right now I am working on going No Contact with her unless it's for the kids. Which she contacts me a lot about something or other... Edited December 7, 2013 by Split open Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 7, 2013 Author Share Posted December 7, 2013 She wants to talk soon. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 She wants to talk soon. So set up a time/day. Like now. Or at the least tomorrow morning first thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Floridapad2 Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 So much great advice you're receiving. I can only add one thing. You are in a horrible situation and facing a mirror of your past actions. You are in a ton of pain but realizing so much about yourself. What do you do now? Continue to look at yourself in the mirror. The single most important thing you can do is to make that pain and fear work in your favor. The books and personal reflection you are doing is truly awesome. Don't stop. But do come to the epiphany that these realizations about your behavior and self are a part of your growth process and developing personal strength in areas you previously lacked. It's not about her. That's pretty cool stuff even if it may not seem as such right now. I know that your love for your wife has created this and in away that might be psychologically anchoring your growth and realizations to her but the truth is your chances of surviving this are slim so use this nc period to focus on yourself and possible future relationships with others. A wise man once told me "sometimes pain is your friend and some day in the future you might actually miss it because it was in that pain you will have grown the most". Or something like that :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 7, 2013 Author Share Posted December 7, 2013 (edited) I tried. No answer. She left a message while I was out a couple hours ago and wanted to talk. I don't know what to expect. I know and I will keep it up. A lot of this I should've done years ago. I will become a better person all around. I miss her and it hurts. She may not come back. I understand this. But what I am doing is for me. It will benefit friendships, I hope this marriage, my family relations, my outlook, etc. Edited December 7, 2013 by burning heart Link to post Share on other sites
Split open Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 (edited) Try not to get too caught up in the pursue/retreat game. If she wants to talk she will call you. Be available but let her call you on her terms when she is ready to talk. Don't read into her not answering. She could have very well just not been in the headspace to have the discussion she wants to have. Don't make assumptions. Edited December 7, 2013 by Split open Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 7, 2013 Author Share Posted December 7, 2013 She expects me to always answer, be available, call back. Not doing that is a 180. I've been doing that for a while. But when we need to talk, or she wants to talk, the phone tag is annoying, avoidance, and confusing. I'm sure the Times of NC bother her. When we had the divorce talk she told me we needed to talk one evening in text. I replied right away, we planned on the next day, she texted often that day wanting to know a good time. Then we talked. Not what I expected or wanted to hear. About a week ago the family friend kept saying show her you love her, that you believe in your marriage, and you will fight for it. And the not calling was looking like I didn't care. She said that several times. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 burning_heart, As I see it, the burden is on you to always be available and pro-active. Forget any silly notion of NC if you want to save this marriage. Do this as long as you are able and until you see that your wife is just not into saving this marriage any longer. Everyone has their limits, so DO YOUR BEST to SHOW her that you are serious. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 7, 2013 Author Share Posted December 7, 2013 This is a hard part. Don't pursue but show I still believe in our marriage, love her, etc. I can tell her but this seems like pursuing. The letter I wrote arrived Monday and she called first thing Tuesday. I was asleep. She was busy later that day. We texted that night. Then I left it alone to organize thoughts and feelings. Yesterday she's calling. Idk if the letter made much differance. She is still in the state and mindframe of hurting, detaching in many ways, and stuck on her decision of divorce, and of course the affair. I'm sure somethings got through but that is up to her. Idk if both spouses cry during divorce talk but it meant something to me that she did. Also then avoidance, halfway trying to talk (she's calls the house when she knows I'm away at work.) She's been trying more lately though. I'm just not sure where we stand and feel like I can't ask right now. If she's in the affair and she wants to tell me, I can't stop that. I can't really show progress and changes because she is a state away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 7, 2013 Author Share Posted December 7, 2013 We are suppose to talk today. It's what to say to not push her away anymore, how to leave the door open, express feelings without pursuing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 Okay. We talked not long ago. She wanted to honest and not hurt me anymore. She told me she just started seeing someone else. They've only talked and email. And he doesn't even live in the same state. She loves me. She doesn't want to hurt me. She doesn't think we can be married anymore. Still wants divorce. She doesn't want me to hate her and she doesn't hate me. She still wants to talk and be there for each other. We talked about our years and time together and before we were together when we saw each other. And the drive I took in the middle of the night to see each other after 13 years. How we shouldn't be in the spot but we are. She cried as she told me to kiss our cats and dogs. She loves me. She thinks she was getting cabin fever out here and felt she lost herself and I did too. She was hurting me and I was hurting her. She is planning to go to school and get a job with a friend. Since she hasn't been an adult or supported herself in so long. She was crying a lot at this time. She loves me. Call anytime. She would like to call too. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 Sad, but I would move on. The marriage is over. Accept it. It sounds like she's doing what she needs to do to better herself and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning heart Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 She said the letter I wrote was very sweet, she knows I meant it and that it was from the heart. She also wants me to mail her somethings. At some point she will be back to get some more things. Doesn't know when (15 hours away) Link to post Share on other sites
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